Death of a parent, tying up loose ends, moving on ...

[Ne Cede Malis]

My father died in June last year, and he left an equal share of his worldly worth to all his children. This was handled by executors and monies are now being distributed to all beneficiaries.

Those are the facts.

But there are emotions and memories wrapped up in all of that.

I find myself feeling a little sad once more at this time. Remembering his suffering before he died, and the 'lost years' in between an acromonious divorce, attempts to maintain a relationship with him and his death.

Although I'm grateful for his gift - I'm mindful that between having a lump sum of money or having had a meaningful relationship with him - I would have chosen the latter.

But we can't re-write history, and (in my humble opinion) - it's impossible to go through life without regrets. (Someone posted on this forum, regrets are psychological cancer. So be it - but who doesn't have them?)

So, does anyone have any experiences of losing a parent they wish to share with me? What were your coping mechanisms. Did you have a lot of mixed feelings and how did you deal with them?

I'm posting in this board - but I'm not looking for perspectives on notions of spirituality, more on the emotional and psychological - in the here and now, so to speak.

Thanks in advance.

Ne Cede Malis (a.k.a. Dave)

[raykilleen]

"There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands." ~John Mellencamp

I don't think my father would have minded me feeling sad or sentimental about his passing but I know he would not have wanted me to suffer over it, so I don’t.

[wildrose]

Hi Dave,

I think it is very natural to have conflict feeling with your father. I think it is ok to have any feeling you are experiencing now. This is your truth now. I will treat it like flow of energy try to purify me if you are brave enough to experience it.

It is ok to feel sad and anything you are feeling now. Just let it be. If you really care about someone, it is so natural to feel sad or painful when he is not there anymore. It is like the price you need to pay for being connected with someone. Just let it be, just let it flow. If you feel so sad and you can not cry, try to watch a sad movie and let your energy flow, after several times, you will feel much better. And then, you will have space for happiness and new things to happen; and then you can start to remember there were some wonderful moments between you and your father; and you will also remember how much you really love him.....

Regarding regret, I think we all experience regret. As a human being, we are here to learn and make mistakes. If we could have done better that time, we would. We didn't because we were not able to. So try to forgive yourself for not being able to do better, if you could that time, you would have chosen to do it. We thought we are able to make this choice and that choice, but as a matter of fact, lots of time, we are conditioned. Through all these mistakes we made and by admitting them, we learn to be more humble and more human becasue we know that is how human is. We become more accepting because we know we can make the same mistakes too.

Try to observe your self, when you regret, you want to punish yourself. You won't allow yourself to have good life, or even you try to finish yourself. However, just imagine this, will your father be happy that you do this to yourself? What would he want? I am sure he wants you to have a good life and make good use of your life and glorify him.

Hope this helps you and we are here for you always!

[Greek Dog]

My father died in February.
As a child I loved him boundlessly but he was not able to receive nor to give.
Over the years he shut the door to my brothers and me though he pretended that he had not.

His death brings a kind of sorrow that I cannot name. It is subtle and yet profound. I would have given anything to have been able to share great love with him. But that was never possible.

I am interested in hearing more about what you are going through.
I still long for a giving relationship with "father".
Ironically I am raising a child whose father died.
I was fatherless in a different way but the absence is glaring.
I firmly believe that we humans need the love of a father and a mother.
I had neither and am seeking healing from that loss.

[Andras]

I have lost both of my parents and no matter how you intellectualize or explain the trite "death not being 'death' at all", new agey, feel good response I have almost given you; the truth being, you only truly heal from losing a parent once you become a parent yourself, thus take the baton from their generation and continue yourself with a new one. Once you have the responsibility of a child, your other "issues" go to the back burner -this is no other way but perhaps time - more time is needed to pass than the few months you have if you are single.

[MovingForward]

I have lost both my mom and dad far too young.
My mom most recently this past year. I can relate to having mixed feelings.
I try very hard to focus on the positive my parents brought to my life. I try to understand that they were doing the best they could with what they had. I try very hard to let go of the pain. I respect their life struggles, but resolving not to repeat them.
Love your father for you are a part of him.