Transformation, ask for people's experience

[wildrose]

For the past 7 months, something amazing is happening to me. It is like totally changing my personality to two opposite direction. I am wondering if anyone else has this kind of this experience.

7 months ago, I attended a workshop held by an Indian guru, toward the end of the workshop, I felt that God was with me every moment. Also, I was changed totally. I used to be a very self-centered person. However, toward the end of the workshop, I learned that to love is to listen, to understand the need and feeling of the person you are interacting with. Hence, when I am with someone, I am not anxious anymore, I wait, I listen, I try to understand how he/she feels and what he really needs. I don't ask people to act according to my expectation anymore, instead, I accept how they are. I understand that everyone has his limit. If they can be otherwise, they will do it. They didn't do it because they are not able to do it.

Also, after the workshop, I spent quite lots of time meditation, alone with myself. All what I did is just try to be closer to God because I found I need to let myself as empty as possible to have space and time for God.

I felt great during these 5 months. Every morning I woke up, I felt so blessed and guided. I was joyful and had clear mind all the time. I was shining and positive all the time.

Then about 2 month ago, I joined another workshop held by another Guru. This time I experience something totally different, something so worldly, pushed me to the other side.

Before the workshop was finished, I had the overwhelming feeling of sex energy. I felt it is like I was burning. I had the sex desire almost all day long. Also at this moment I understood how male feel about sex drive now, I guess. I was totally attracted to male and I had the strong desire to know lots of male friends. Then I couldn't meditate, couldn't focus on my daily matter. It is like my world was totally shattered. I had the strong feeling to give up everything I already had. I found myself in a state of totally despair, totally dark. It is a very strong energy and it is out of my control. It has been several years I haven't felt so depressed. This energy drove here and there and out of my control. I tried to control the direction in the beginning, however every time I tried to control myself, I had the feeling that I was going to die. Then I let go and follow the flow and observe myself during the whole process and found myself again.

I found before this experience, I never really lived. I had no interest of joining this world, I had no interest of people. I tried to control the flow of my life. I had said to myself that I was going to help people but I had no interest of people at all. I had tried to control my life to be in the direction of totally bright, successful, joyful. Anyway, I didn't allow the other opposite feeling or situation to show up, in other words, I tried to lead my life in the spectrum of security.

This latter part of experience, I experience the lively feeling of life, the whole spectrum of life. I feel I am more integrated. I felt now I live on the earth. I have this feeling that I am really alive. Although I experienced all these painful feeling.

I am thankful for all the experience I had. I am thankful for the heavenly and earthly experience. It made me broaden, more energetic, more courageous and more humble. I am thankful for all.

Thanks for reading my story. I feel very thankful that we have this forum to express our feeling, experience and concern. I feel thankful that there are so many people here willing to help. I feel it is very warm here!

[zeitgeist]

I think I understand where you are coming from, there are many wild mood and energy swings along the spiritual path. Reading your story, perhaps now would be a good time to try traveling your path without any interactions with a guru. You are your own guru now. Enjoy!

Zeitgeist

[wildrose]

Thank you very much for reading my story and reply to me. Actually I travel this path most of time by myself now. However it is fun to join some workshop once a while. Sometimes I still can not clean my own energy so well yet.

However, it feels good that someone knows what you are going through. I used to be a very day person but now i enjoy going out during the night; I used to be a loner but now I enjoying being with people as well; I used to be so simple and pure but now i enjoying being sophisticated as well; I used to like nature so much but now I enjoy living in the city as well; I used to be so good but now I enjoy being bad as well.

I have a rebellion soul and I dare to be different!

[Prinie]

My transformations were very difficult for me in the beginning. I felt like I was peeling away and expanding. And I use to hear a voice in my heart all the time. I've always followed my intuition because it's very strong but at a certain point I began to literally hear and feel a voice in my heart and I found that I was feeling vibrations more strongly than usual. I also had moments of "psychosis" when the energy in my head was pulsing like crazy and even went so far as to have a full blown panic attack believing that something was in the room with me and screaming in my car after having a spiritual high and was returning to earth where I felt I was "being separated from God". I also had moments of splitting where I felt so disconnected from the little girl inside of me and I did things like pray to God to ask for the strength to walk and nurture this little girl so that her needs are met and that she's brought to the light. I left my body about 3 times and was very disconnected from the world and wanted to "go home". I lived in a bubble for a while unable and unwilling to deal with the daily tasks like school, eating, interaction. Moments of suicide, panic attacks, deep depression, hallucinations, headaches, lots of energy vibrations and emotional tantrums, overwhelm from watching the news. I got lost for a while and had to come back, felt toxic...I had to fight to reground after deciding I wanted to be here.

Tangible experiences:

• My old self wrapped her identity around being kind, loving, caring, counseling, "being nice", and giving advice. I was very confident and an incredibly proud person. The new me doesn't even like to receive advice let alone give it. I'm very independent and self-reliant. I don't do things to be seen as kind, loving, caring, or because I want to "help people" anymore. I do it because my heart prompts me to.
• My life is guided almost completely by my heart now.
• The love I have for myself is like nothing I ever expected. I imagined it. But I didn't think it would be like this. I accept myself as I am and I've found that change kinda creeps up on me now. lol It's like being in flow.
• My relationship with God is different now. He's a friend and I talk and write to him with an honesty that in the past I was afraid to. I let it all out when I speak to him. Hatred, blame, disappointments,resentment, love, happiness, enthusiasm, inspiration, romance, sexual feelings, spiritual questions, my shame, my mistakes, my apologies, everything! I love Him because now my relationship with Him is true and very personal and intimate. I don't try to hide my heart from Him. He sees it and knows.
• I'm very present and detached.
• I have less staunch answers, more questions, and have become more accepting of mystery, people, family. I lost my pride somewhere along the path and so I make amends more quickly, and rebound more quickly from failure. I welcome change. And I also lead a more subjective life.
• I feel my successes and failures more strongly because I'm leading a more genuine life (I never thought I could be more genuine) following my heart.
• When I think deeply, the only question is about the meaning of life and why I was plucked from the vine at such a young age. That occupies most of my thoughts when a thought occupies my mind. Many think it's silly and maybe I'll come to that conclusion over time. But it'll be in my time.
  

[wildrose]

Hi Prinie,

Thank you very much for spending lots of time and made your effort to write down your own experience and share with me.

I feel that you are so lucky. It seems that you are changing yourself by walking on this path. I am curious if you attend any workshop or follow any mentor on this path.

I've followed several mentor on this path and learned lots from them. They gave healing and brought me back to the present. Sometimes I just indulged myself in the past or past life, I guess. I lost myself in these moments so I don't need to deal with my present.

I am happy we both are genuine to ourselves and dare to be ourselves now. Also, I am happy to find this forum so that I can connect with so many people who also walk on this path and get advice from them.

We are not alone!

[Prinie]

Originally Posted by wildrose

Hi Prinie,

Thank you very much for spending lots of time and made your effort to write down your own experience and share with me.

No biggie. I love writing!

I feel that you are so lucky. It seems that you are changing yourself by walking on this path. I am curious if you attend any workshop or follow any mentor on this path.


I don't know if luck as anything to do with it to be honest. I ask "why me" alot lately but I feel like that's me trying to be superior. Really, I feel that if we decide to allow our hearts to enter into as many of our choices as possible we'll find our way. We'll feel everything more intensely, but we'll find our way.


I've followed several mentor on this path and learned lots from them. They gave healing and brought me back to the present. Sometimes I just indulged myself in the past or past life, I guess. I lost myself in these moments so I don't need to deal with my present.

I've had many mentors, yeah. Fiction books, autobiographies, stories (paulocoelhoblog.com has very nice stories), people who are living their lives and they tell me about their experiences, people I've stalked online , research, pieces of random conversations at just the right moment...but seldom experts on anything. Direct advice always falls through for me. I've never been to a spiritual or self development workshop a day in my life.

I am happy we both are genuine to ourselves and dare to be ourselves now. Also, I am happy to find this forum so that I can connect with so many people who also walk on this path and get advice from them.

It's nice to meet you too wild one. I hope you have a good experience while here.

We are not alone!

[Cheese Consumer]

Wildrose- did you get a release when this happened? A light bubbly feeling like you are a Champaign glass with little bubbles tickling their way to the surface and you can't stop smiling. Did you contact your higher mind? It may have a rather flat male voice inside or it may just give conceptual or pictorial information that isn't yours. Did you have meaningful dreams after the experience?

The sex energy thing is something we have experienced a lot over the last four years work. Sex energy is one of the most easily damaged forms of energy we have and you may experience a lot of it if you take the path to enlightenment, depending on your upbringing. It is all reactive so don't buy into it if you can. Listen to the meaning of your thoughts and question absolutely everything you get. Write down any dreams you have first thing in the morning as they are very relevant on a conceptual level. You can also ask your mind questions before going to sleep but don’t ignore the really odd answers as they are all relevant.

Can I ask that you note down every time you get annoyed or have a strong dislike for something as this is very important? We all have a safe zone that we operate in comfortably and outside that triggers the Standard Response which turns on automatically whenever an external influence tries to steer us outside what we are comfortable with. The path to enlightenment, stage one is simply breaking down all aspects of the Standard Response until it doesn't exist. Then you have completely uninstalled all of your environmental programming and are ready for stage two which is activating the higher mind functions.

I would be interested in where you place on the Autism Spectrum. Google it if you aren't aware, there are a number of online questionnaires you can take to get an indication. HFA or Aspergers are definitely a good prerequisite for the path to enlightenment.


CC

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Prinie

I felt like I was peeling away

I can identify with that. It was like being an onion, and layer after layer was peeled away, until, at the end, it became clear that I didn't exist at all.

Originally Posted by Prinie

I lived in a bubble for a while unable and unwilling to deal with the daily tasks like school, eating, interaction. Moments of suicide, panic attacks, deep depression, hallucinations, headaches, lots of energy vibrations and emotional tantrums, overwhelm from watching the news. I got lost for a while and had to come back, felt toxic...I had to fight to reground after deciding I wanted to be here.

Wow, I can identify with all of that.

In all honesty, I can't list all the changes I've undergone. It's like the "old me" is just a distant memory. I can recall some stuff about her, of course, and we have a shared story, but she is so NOT me (and neither of us are real, anyway ). She was so astoundingly different from me, I generally feel that she's NOT me. Her name is not my name, her nationality is not my nationality. I can only barely remember being her, which is a good thing (she was a real piece of work).

I can easily refer to her as "me", and use her story as my own (since "my" story only started in the nineties and hers started in the sixties and there's some overlap as she was receding and I was emerging), and I generally do because people don't understand what you're talking about if you refer to your past self as if it's someone else entirely.

But she's not me. And I'm not her. We are very, very different personalities.

I'm not the only person who has had a transformation so profound that it seemed like a completely different person emerged. Just most people don't talk about it in quite the same terms (for obvious reasons; people think you're a nutjob ).

[Prinie]

Originally Posted by ButterflyWoman

I can identify with that. It was like being an onion, and layer after layer was peeled away, until, at the end, it became clear that I didn't exist at all.


Wow, I can identify with all of that.

In all honesty, I can't list all the changes I've undergone. It's like the "old me" is just a distant memory. I can recall some stuff about her, of course, and we have a shared story, but she is so NOT me (and neither of us are real, anyway ). She was so astoundingly different from me, I generally feel that she's NOT me. Her name is not my name, her nationality is not my nationality. I can only barely remember being her, which is a good thing (she was a real piece of work).

I can easily refer to her as "me", and use her story as my own (since "my" story only started in the nineties and hers started in the sixties and there's some overlap as she was receding and I was emerging), and I generally do because people don't understand what you're talking about if you refer to your past self as if it's someone else entirely.

But she's not me. And I'm not her. We are very, very different personalities.

I'm not the only person who has had a transformation so profound that it seemed like a completely different person emerged. Just most people don't talk about it in quite the same terms (for obvious reasons; people think you're a nutjob ).

Oh yeah! I had to do a 7 week clinical in a psych ward earlier this semester and I remember I was sooo nervous because of my experiences, you know? I could've easily ended up there had I not had the wonderful mother that I have. Some other parents might've put me on meds or have me committed ASAP!

Person vs. Persona I guess.

[wildrose]

Originally Posted by Cheese Consumer

Wildrose- did you get a release when this happened? A light bubbly feeling like you are a Champaign glass with little bubbles tickling their way to the surface and you can't stop smiling.

I will say I definitely released some. Actually it was wonderful experience. I never had such great sex before. However, if you wish to have sex all day long for quite a long period, it is kind of awkward for me. Maybe I thought I shouldn't have to make any effort to get sex.

Before this change happened, there were already several things happened.

First, my physical appearance was changing. I already had very good body shape before the change but it is even better after this happened. It is like some force was changing me without me doing anything. My hair gets so smooth and beautiful that no one can possible misses it. I got so energetic which I never been so energetic before.

Physically, I couldn't help dressing myself very sexy. I had this potential but I hided it. I used to dress like a girl next door but now I dress like ladies in the " Sex and City".

Second, before this happened, I had lots of flirting messages from quite lots of strangers from Facebook but I ignored them all. Now I couldn't help wishing to make friends with them all.

It is like some force is getting ready for this change too.

Did you contact your higher mind? It may have a rather flat male voice inside or it may just give conceptual or pictorial information that isn't yours. Did you have meaningful dreams after the experience?


I don't know how to contact my higher mind but I do keeping thinking of looking for someone with special characters. I didn't have any meaningful dream after this experience. I was in a chaos for almost 2 months.


The sex energy thing is something we have experienced a lot over the last four years work. Sex energy is one of the most easily damaged forms of energy we have and you may experience a lot of it if you take the path to enlightenment, depending on your upbringing. It is all reactive so don't buy into it if you can. Listen to the meaning of your thoughts and question absolutely everything you get. Write down any dreams you have first thing in the morning as they are very relevant on a conceptual level. You can also ask your mind questions before going to sleep but don’t ignore the really odd answers as they are all relevant.

Yes, I agree with you that sex energy is one of the most destructive energy I have ever came across. I have walked on this path about 6 years now. I learned to manage most of energy. It is no problem for me to deal with anger, depress, anxiety, sadness, or even joy energy, but this sex energy really drives me crazy. I won't have sex with someone easily. Also, I will say my job, or my social profile won't allow me to experience it as much as I want. For ordinary people this is OK as long as no one knows it, for me, I can't afford secret. I work for government.

As paying attention to my dream, I did it before and had quite amazing effect, I would get the information before it happened. I got so scared so I stopped. This lasted for about one year. I knew everything before it happened.

As not to become reactive, I will say, if I hadn't know anything about observing my feeling instead of acting on them, I would say I were probably even more miserable now. However, there were still some moments which I couldn't do it. I felt I was going to die and it was totally chaos. It was like someone was tearing you apart and you couldn't do anything.

I did practice some deep breathing technique though and I found it quite helpful. I try to do it everyday now to manage this energy flow in a way not so destructive for me.

Can I ask that you note down every time you get annoyed or have a strong dislike for something as this is very important? We all have a safe zone that we operate in comfortably and outside that triggers the Standard Response which turns on automatically whenever an external influence tries to steer us outside what we are comfortable with. The path to enlightenment, stage one is simply breaking down all aspects of the Standard Response until it doesn't exist. Then you have completely uninstalled all of your environmental programming and are ready for stage two which is activating the higher mind functions.

I will say maybe this is what I am experiencing now. I feel this whole process is trying to break down my programming, that is why I feel I am expanding and more integrated and whole now.

I would be interested in where you place on the Autism Spectrum. Google it if you aren't aware, there are a number of online questionnaires you can take to get an indication. HFA or Aspergers are definitely a good prerequisite for the path to enlightenment.

I am very surprised you asking me this question. I didn't do the questionnaire. However, 4 years back, there was a guru said I have autism and I don't believe him. However, I will say, I was not interested in human at all since I was a little girl, I was not interested in joining human society at all. I work now and it is a very big step for me.

I don't know if I answer all your questions or understand your questions correctly because English is not my native language as you can see I probably made some mistakes in my answers. Just ask me more if I didn't answer you or I misunderstood you.

It seems you are working on some project related to this topic. Can you tell me more?


CC

[Cheese Consumer]

Hi Wildrose,

Thanks for your replies, it sounds like you had an interesting experience. Breaking down our programming is actually all that is required to achieve the first stages of enlightenment but it takes a very, very long time using existing technology. Whether we had good, bad or otherwise formative years, the fact is that we didn’t ask for any of it. It was put on us without our consultation and we absorbed it without realizing. There is lots of airy fairy stuff out there about what is enlightenment but there is nothing more complex required, just dedication and persistence to resolve and release all of our programming. The rest comes from within, we all have it inside us but it is so contaminated and corrupted by our experiences and emotions.

Actually, you don't contact your higher mind so much, it contacts you when you are ready. For us it was around the half way mark and it now makes a semi-regular appearance marking the end of each major reactive block. Haven't had it for a few months now because there is a very strong block around "can't do anything" I've been trying to break for what seems like forever. Got a big realisation today but there is more to it still.

Being autistic to some degree is a good thing. It isn't so complicated either, it's just a fairly wide range of programming that is different to the usual. All the people I have met who have autistic conditions had very reactively driven parents. Their parents behave/d in predetermined patterns that prevented the child-parent bonding process occurring. Because autistic people are missing the veneer that makes up 'being social' they tend to be awkward and spend time alone lost in thought. This is the good part, a mind left to think a lot is like a body that is exercised a lot- it works so much better. Autistic types often have some of their higher functions available although generally are scared of them and go to great lengths to hide the fact in order to appear normal.

I think what we are doing differently in this project is doing it together as equals rather than as an individual or guru/student relationship. We don't seek any outside teachings other than to confirm what the higher mind has supplied exists outside of our discussions.

If you are interested to try working with another person, you need somebody you trust completely and who comes from a very different culture than your own. This is important because the things that you react to can't be the same as the things he/she reacts to otherwise you’ll both react at the same time and that doesn’t work. They can’t be a ‘nice’ person or somebody who tries to please everyone. The social disconnect that people with Aspergers have works very well in this instance. They need to be able to take a conversation past your Standard Response, i.e. out of your comfort zone until you are completely reactive, then just a little more. That is the point of realisation- understanding that the person who a minute ago was being the biggest a5540le in the world was deliberately making you upset in exactly the same way as your father/mother/brother/whoever did in your formative years, and whatever reactive rule you may have made at the time to deal with the immediate situation is out of date and can be let go. Iterate that about a thousand times and the rest is supplied from within as you transition from reactive control to higher function. Very clumsy but it works.

All human suffering comes from our reactive though processes and so with resolving them comes enlightenment and the end of suffering. And with that comes the end of commerce, law, governance, mental health, hatred, fear, conflict, belief, opinion and so on and so on.

CC

[wildrose]

Why the past two months was so difficult for me? I think most of it is related to my head, or to say how I thought of whole situation. First, my head thought it was really good to be this way, to be so energetic; look so sexy, beautiful and attractive; feel so good about sex. My head likes this appearance and wants to keep it forever and is resistant to change and creates the tension. Second, my head thinks my current life is very good, the material side, and is resistant to change. My head wants to keep both but thinks these two could create conflict. My head thought first one could destroy the second one and hence creates lots of conflict feeling and consumes lots of my energy. The thinking triggers the emotion. So, actually, everything is just illusion.

I could change my thinking. I could have both and I trust God will bring me something good. I trust God and not worry what is going to happen. Every happening is good happening.

I am not my body. I could not control how my body is going to change. I could only enjoy it and appreciate it. The head tried to control how it goes and created suffering. Also, here, I don’t trust the God, instead, I trust my ego. I don’t trust God is going to bring me something even better than this. My ego interferes whole process and creates suffering.

I am not who I am. I am identified with my social status and tried to protect it from breaking down and hence created suffering. Nothing really happened, just my head, or said my ego, created the whole drama, I identified with everything and took it for real and suffered from it.

It is such a joke. I see it and I am free from it.

I am so free now. I am free from suffering.

Thank you everyone, thank you for giving this time and forum for me to express myself and observe myself and free from the suffering. Thank you for everyone's good intention and I appreciate it!

Thank you, Cheese Consumer for your good intention and I will wirte you a private message to talk about it.

Thank you for everyone reading my story and going through this with me together, I really appreciate it!

Wish you guys all have a nice day!

[wildrose]

I am not my body.
I am not my thinking.
I am not my feeling.
I am not my experience.
I am.