Awakening : Be Afraid be very afraid

[nothuman]

Hi all. I'm new around here & would love to get your take on this experience I have been living with for over a year now.
I have been meditating for about 6 years now & prior to that I reached into
all sorts of disiplines & modalities & religions in my search for the great big whatever.

I had a pretty messed up childhood & early adulthood however I managed to fake it for years & for all intents & purposes created a half decent facade of respectability & financial stability coupled with a loving family & the white picket fence.

So about 16 months ago I started to consciously become aware of the demons lurking in the background that I had yet to entertain. From that point I made a vow or promise or reached out with a prayer of my intention to do whatever I needed to do to liberate from all the unconsciousness & pain & cycles of behavour. I had a deep forboding as I entered into this as something in me knew that this would take. It did.
I was not prepared for what has followed. Nothing can prepare you for that.

Fourteen months down the line I feel like a shell. Firstly a parent died & that spawned the troubled childhood traumas to bubble up & be heard. Then systematically one by one my egoic props & illusions were kicked away thus leaving me to contemplate my life choices in a cold & barren envioroment without the warm & fuzzy stuff that egoic padding brings. I still am in limbo with my career & relationships as I now see all through different eyes. I now find it near impossible to
even contemplate thinking in terms of controlling my life. I could quite easily spent the rest of my days curled up in a hammock ...staring into blue sky.

The intensity of the pain at its worst was intolerable. I would wake trying to think of ways I could whack myself without traumatizing anyone. This went on day after day for about 6 weeks. The emotional pain remained throughout. Normally if you get an emotive response to an event or a person, that emotion will rise & fall over a reasonable period. Not this stuff ....it rises & stays put until you work out how to surrender to it.

I went to spiritual healers, physcologists & zen practitioners for help. Most said the same thing...endure. I have never taken meds & I have done nothing to stifle the process as I figured this is my shot to handle this stuff. Hell I don't even drink or smoke.

But hey ...a jokes a joke...cut me some slack down here Mr Universe. This stuff hurts.

They call it an awakening. I feel as about awakened as a #@$!!?? house brick. I know a lot of others have walked this road & maybe I have a low pain tolerance but wow this process leaves you crying & whining like a baby while it laughs its stupid head off at you.

Make of this what you will. I am way past vanity. I am not even asking for help & yet it is not just venting. Feel free to comment if theres anything that you feel needs clarification...I'll do my best. Thanks.

[Anagogy]

Originally Posted by nothuman

They call it an awakening. I feel as about awakened as a #@$!!?? house brick. I know a lot of others have walked this road & maybe I have a low pain tolerance but wow this process leaves you crying & whining like a baby while it laughs its stupid head off at you.

Make of this what you will. I am way past vanity. I am not even asking for help & yet it is not just venting. Feel free to comment if theres anything that you feel needs clarification...I'll do my best. Thanks.

I would only suggest, as unseemly as it might be, that the pain you are feeling is not a requirement for what you are seeking. I know that can be hard to hear. You've obviously suffered greatly. The pain you are feeling is the result of the intense desire you have for greater awareness, and the subsequent thoughts/beliefs/foci which have yet to achieve congruency with it. Resistance, in other-words.

Personally, I think you are trying too hard. It's only natural because you care so much about achieving it. It means a lot to you.

I know it sounds trite, but you need to focus your attention elsewhere. You have the power to focus. Use it deliberately. Emotions arise in response to what you are focused upon. Listen to your heart. It sounds cliche but this inner guidance really is the best guidance you will ever get. There is a reason you feel like s***. It is the universe telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you are going about this the wrong way. Pain is aversive for a very good reason, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. When you touch a stove with your hand, the pain is your body's way of communicating, in a universally understandable way, via the aversive sensation that what you are doing, in that moment, is destructive to the integrity of your physical well being.

Your emotions are giving you so much valuable feedback about the relationship between what you are desiring and how in harmony your focus (thoughts) are in connection to it. Spiritually speaking, you are touching the hot stove and it is hurting really really bad. And you are ignoring the pain. You are not listening to the universe's answer. Nothing good will come from this. You might eventually teach yourself to become numb to it, but I wouldn't wish that on anybody. You want to feel life flowing through you viscerally and powerfully don't you? Truly, if you listen to the inner guidance that has always been available to you, you will find your way out of this dark place you have coalesced about yourself, and the clear light of awareness will once again reactivate the consciousness of harmony and well being within you.

Best regards.

[elucidate]

It's not fun. I've been going through the same thing for years now, and even trying to come up with ways to die that won't leave my family hurt. It's not something you can escape, but it's good you are going through it and not just pressing it down with substances.

I wish I could tell you it gets better or easier, but in my experience over the last 8 years, it didn't, though I do feel lighter these days, and cope much better, when the pain hits, it's unbearable and it feels just stupid to even put myself through it.

I've come too far to give up now though, and that's something you may come to a point of realizing too? I would also go with what Anagogy is saying, to a certain degree. It's good to give yourself a break and put the focus somewhere else, so you can have a chance to process everything and also just give yourself a break. I could never find anything useful about all that pain, especially when it was severe. I've been putting focus in other directions, and it does help, but it's still always there I know.

Again, this might not be the most helpful thing to say, but at least you're not the only one going through it, which always feels helpful to me, even if it's only a little bit, and you would never want anyone to go through it.

It's courageous what you are doing though, so keep going. Do you keep a journal? It can help to release stuff that builds up.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by Anagogy

I would only suggest, as unseemly as it might be, that the pain you are feeling is not a requirement for what you are seeking. I know that can be hard to hear. You've obviously suffered greatly. The pain you are feeling is the result of the intense desire you have for greater awareness, and the subsequent thoughts/beliefs/foci which have yet to achieve congruency with it. Resistance, in other-words.

Personally, I think you are trying too hard. It's only natural because you care so much about achieving it. It means a lot to you.

I know it sounds trite, but you need to focus your attention elsewhere. You have the power to focus. Use it deliberately. Emotions arise in response to what you are focused upon. Listen to your heart. It sounds cliche but this inner guidance really is the best guidance you will ever get. There is a reason you feel like s***. It is the universe telling you, in no uncertain terms, that you are going about this the wrong way. Pain is aversive for a very good reason, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. When you touch a stove with your hand, the pain is your body's way of communicating, in a universally understandable way, via the aversive sensation that what you are doing, in that moment, is destructive to the integrity of your physical well being.

Your emotions are giving you so much valuable feedback about the relationship between what you are desiring and how in harmony your focus (thoughts) are in connection to it. Spiritually speaking, you are touching the hot stove and it is hurting really really bad. And you are ignoring the pain. You are not listening to the universe's answer. Nothing good will come from this. You might eventually teach yourself to become numb to it, but I wouldn't wish that on anybody. You want to feel life flowing through you viscerally and powerfully don't you? Truly, if you listen to the inner guidance that has always been available to you, you will find your way out of this dark place you have coalesced about yourself, and the clear light of awareness will once again reactivate the consciousness of harmony and well being within you.

Best regards.

What you say is true regarding resistance. Thats why learning to surrender has become such an issue during this.
Yes there is a call to arms to live life a different way and that is through the heart. Layer after layer has shead & quite frankly I don't feel like I have another option other than living through the heart.
I don't feel I am trying too hard any longer. Yes in the early days that was definetly a factor but that gets knocked out after a few months ...you just simply can't keep it up. Also the concept of actually attaining something doesn't exist. this process seems to be about the losing rather than the attaining if that makes sense. Any technique I had is long gone.
Thank you for your input that just sparked my instincts regarding resistance.

[zeitgeist]

You are not alone my friend, though I do not want to compare the intensity of my path with yours, it does seem that you are pretty shaken up. I have said this often in this forum, a spiritual path traveler is a hero in the sense that she is willing to face the demons of the past; no plastering over with the help of addictions, medications or hiding behind some pretense persona.

The peace that you remember of your initial journey will return, as will your powers do deal with your environment. I always compare this part of the journey with an airplane taking off and making it through a thunder storm with lots of turbulence, but before you know it you will reach blue sky and limitless sunshine.

But then, if your coming clean period is just too frightening, request some time-outs, this is in your power too. All the spiritual opportunities to make it to the next level will come back.

God says in Neale Walsch's Conversations with God "I does get easier", and based on my personal journey I can only echo that. Hang in there my friend and all the best,

Christian

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

It's not fun. I've been going through the same thing for years now, and even trying to come up with ways to die that won't leave my family hurt. It's not something you can escape, but it's good you are going through it and not just pressing it down with substances.

I wish I could tell you it gets better or easier, but in my experience over the last 8 years, it didn't, though I do feel lighter these days, and cope much better, when the pain hits, it's unbearable and it feels just stupid to even put myself through it.

I've come too far to give up now though, and that's something you may come to a point of realizing too? I would also go with what Anagogy is saying, to a certain degree. It's good to give yourself a break and put the focus somewhere else, so you can have a chance to process everything and also just give yourself a break. I could never find anything useful about all that pain, especially when it was severe. I've been putting focus in other directions, and it does help, but it's still always there I know.

Again, this might not be the most helpful thing to say, but at least you're not the only one going through it, which always feels helpful to me, even if it's only a little bit, and you would never want anyone to go through it.

It's courageous what you are doing though, so keep going. Do you keep a journal? It can help to release stuff that builds up.

8 years!!!!! What is it with us Aussies......we must be gluttens for punishment haha. Thank you for that & yes it is always good to know one has company..... particually when you have trained professionals scratching their heads.
No I haven't thought of keeping a journal ... the closest I have done is written outflow at times but of late I have melted into a pool of pulsating jelly....that isn't really capable of much beyond getting myself dressed.
This seems to be a classic case of watch what you wish for........the ironic thing is that somewhere within me I know I would do it all again

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by zeitgeist

You are not alone my friend, though I do not want to compare the intensity of my path with yours, it does seem that you are pretty shaken up. I have said this often in this forum, a spiritual path traveler is a hero in the sense that she is willing to face the demons of the past; no plastering over with the help of addictions, medications or hiding behind some pretense persona.

The peace that you remember of your initial journey will return, as will your powers do deal with your environment. I always compare this part of the journey with an airplane taking off and making it through a thunder storm with lots of turbulence, but before you know it you will reach blue sky and limitless sunshine.

But then, if your coming clean period is just too frightening, request some time-outs, this is in your power too. All the spiritual opportunities to make it to the next level will come back.

God says in Neale Walsch's Conversations with God "I does get easier", and based on my personal journey I can only echo that. Hang in there my friend and all the best,

Christian

Thank you. Time out seems like a great idea. I will ask. Even though God & I seem to be at each others throats of late

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

8 years!!!!! What is it with us Aussies......we must be gluttens for punishment haha.

Believe me, I've wondered that myself. Am I a secret masochist? Not the emotional realm masochist, that's for sure.

I had been through a lot of pretty severe trauma though prior to this, so I've been in recovery from ptsd as well. Double dose you could say...yay.

Thank you for that & yes it is always good to know one has company..... particually when you have trained professionals scratching their heads.
No I haven't thought of keeping a journal ... the closest I have done is written outflow at times but of late I have melted into a pool of pulsating jelly....that isn't really capable of much beyond getting myself dressed.
This seems to be a classic case of watch what you wish for........the ironic thing is that somewhere within me I know I would do it all again

I've had times where I've just wanted to go "♥♥♥♥ it" and take as many drugs as possible and just go that route, but I wouldn't be able to live very long like that either, knowing that I'm just making matters worse by pushing it all down and covering over it. It really is a case of "better out than in".

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Believe me, I've wondered that myself. Am I a secret masochist? Not the emotional realm masochist, that's for sure.

I had been through a lot of pretty severe trauma though prior to this, so I've been in recovery from ptsd as well. Double dose you could say...yay.



I've had times where I've just wanted to go "♥♥♥♥ it" and take as many drugs as possible and just go that route, but I wouldn't be able to live very long like that either, knowing that I'm just making matters worse by pushing it all down and covering over it. It really is a case of "better out than in".

Well its good to be on the same page with someone. I have had spiritual healers offering me meds. Society isn't that tolerant when you start to go down roads like this...it would prefer you stay doped up & contained rather than go whacky trying to confront this stuff. You are made of stern stuff to go through it for so long & not to lose your resolve I only hope I can match that.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Well its good to be on the same page with someone. I have had spiritual healers offering me meds. Society isn't that tolerant when you start to go down roads like this...it would prefer you stay doped up & contained rather than go whacky trying to confront this stuff. You are made of stern stuff to go through it for so long & not to lose your resolve I only hope I can match that.

Well, I should probably admit at this stage that I did give into living with my parents, though I initially only went back there to help them move house, and while I was there, got sexually assaulted and ended up suicidally depressed.

They then convinced me to go on zoloft because I was so desperately depressed to be back living with them, and after what happened, so it wasn't entirely without any 'help', and I was staunch about not going on them for years before that even though I was going through a very rough "spiritual emergence" period.

I didn't stay on them very long and ended up making matters worse for myself by suddenly going off them, which caused some pretty crazy behavior on my part and subsequently I got kicked out of home, and a whole bunch of craziness which didn't make my situation any easier.

I've since been on meds one other time, during a very difficult period, but I never felt like they really numbed me. I did find it hard to cry for a couple of years, but I've been off them for over 3 years now, so...but just for the record...it hasn't been completely drug free for me, and I've smoked a few doobies here and there.

But yes, I am a pretty strong person.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Well, I should probably admit at this stage that I did give into living with my parents, though I initially only went back there to help them move house, and while I was there, got sexually assaulted and ended up suicidally depressed.

They then convinced me to go on zoloft because I was so desperately depressed to be back living with them, and after what happened, so it wasn't entirely without any 'help', and I was staunch about not going on them for years before that even though I was going through a very rough "spiritual emergence" period.

I didn't stay on them very long and ended up making matters worse for myself by suddenly going off them, which caused some pretty crazy behavior on my part and subsequently I got kicked out of home, and a whole bunch of craziness which didn't make my situation any easier.

I've since been on meds one other time, during a very difficult period, but I never felt like they really numbed me. I did find it hard to cry for a couple of years, but I've been off them for over 3 years now, so...but just for the record...it hasn't been completely drug free for me, and I've smoked a few doobies here and there.

But yes, I am a pretty strong person.

I don't seem to have any problems crying. I'm a guy & I've got my own building business....so crying is kind of unnatural in this environment.
But as a result of an opening of the heart I can cry on demand. Hell, I can put most girls to shame with my emotional outbursts. I've had to stop listening to Leonard Cohen...but I kind of worked out years ago that me & meds didn't mix so its a no brainer now for me to stay away from them.
But the mind does entertain all sorts of weird & whacky thoughts at times looking for a way to bail out........

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

I don't seem to have any problems crying. I'm a guy & I've got my own building business....so crying is kind of unnatural in this environment.
But as a result of an opening of the heart I can cry on demand. Hell, I can put most girls to shame with my emotional outbursts. I've had to stop listening to Leonard Cohen...but I kind of worked out years ago that me & meds didn't mix so its a no brainer now for me to stay away from them.
But the mind does entertain all sorts of weird & whacky thoughts at times looking for a way to bail out........

Oh god, Leonard Cohen. Yep, I'd be removing him from my playlist if I were suicidal.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

Oh god, Leonard Cohen. Yep, I'd be removing him from my playlist if I were suicidal.

Yep....Nick Cave had to go as well hahaha having said that though with this opening there is a deep clensing where everything is just whooooshed out at times & to a passer by you would appear certifiable but within you ....well you just seem to know its needed......and you let it go whenever it arises

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Yep....Nick Cave had to go as well hahaha having said that though with this opening there is a deep clensing where everything is just whooooshed out at times & to a passer by you would appear certifiable but within you ....well you just seem to know its needed......and you let it go whenever it arises

If I listen to Nick, I try to listen to the more upbeat, comical pieces of his, like the ones that have a story about a woman who is seeing about 5 guys at once and they all happen to be in the same bar one night while she is there, and they're all in love with her and she hides under the table while they all fight over her, for her honor, even though she isn't really honorable because she is screwing 5 men at once. That at least evokes a grin.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

If I listen to Nick, I try to listen to the more upbeat, comical pieces of his, like the ones that have a story about a woman who is seeing about 5 guys at once and they all happen to be in the same bar one night while she is there, and they're all in love with her and she hides under the table while they all fight over her, for her honor, even though she isn't really honorable because she is screwing 5 men at once. That at least evokes a grin.

Since he gave up smack he has gotten less dark so yeah......the later stuff is a bit easier to handle in this frame of mind .....haha this is turning into 'what to listen to when you are experiencing suicidal tendencies during awakening 101'

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Since he gave up smack he has gotten less dark so yeah......the later stuff is a bit easier to handle in this frame of mind .....haha this is turning into 'what to listen to when you are experiencing suicidal tendencies during awakening 101'

It's a good distraction though, ent it?

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by elucidate

It's a good distraction though, ent it?

hahaha there is methedone in your madness ....I could talk about music all night long ....maybe thats the time out that is required........

[ButterflyWoman]

I can directly identify with pretty much everything you wrote. In other words (and I don't want to be flippant, but) been there, done that.

Originally Posted by nothuman

But hey ...a jokes a joke...cut me some slack down here Mr Universe. This stuff hurts.

And when I worked out that my universe and I are one and the same... well, by that time I'd healed enough that not a lot surprised me, but all I could do was look at the things that led me to believe that pain was the only way to heal, and that transformation had to be lengthy and painful.

Originally Posted by nothuman

They call it an awakening. I feel as about awakened as a #@$!!?? house brick. I know a lot of others have walked this road & maybe I have a low pain tolerance but wow this process leaves you crying & whining like a baby while it laughs its stupid head off at you.

In your case, you're processing all the pain and difficulty of your childhood and early adulthood in the span of, what, a couple of years? Consider the implications.

Originally Posted by nothuman

I am not even asking for help & yet it is not just venting. Feel free to comment if theres anything that you feel needs clarification...I'll do my best. Thanks.

Don't struggle. The more you struggle, the worse it is, and the longer it takes. I know, you think, "yeah, lady, easy for you to say," and I would probably have thought the same, but I really have been there, I really have done that, and with the benefit of hindsight, I know for sure that resisting and struggling just prolonged the process.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

Don't struggle. The more you struggle, the worse it is, and the longer it takes. I know, you think, "yeah, lady, easy for you to say," and I would probably have thought the same, but I really have been there, I really have done that, and with the benefit of hindsight, I know for sure that resisting and struggling just prolonged the process.

I think this is what made mine so prolonged, so yeah, I'd agree with what you say here.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

I can directly identify with pretty much everything you wrote. In other words (and I don't want to be flippant, but) been there, done that.


And when I worked out that my universe and I are one and the same... well, by that time I'd healed enough that not a lot surprised me, but all I could do was look at the things that led me to believe that pain was the only way to heal, and that transformation had to be lengthy and painful.


In your case, you're processing all the pain and difficulty of your childhood and early adulthood in the span of, what, a couple of years? Consider the implications.


Don't struggle. The more you struggle, the worse it is, and the longer it takes. I know, you think, "yeah, lady, easy for you to say," and I would probably have thought the same, but I really have been there, I really have done that, and with the benefit of hindsight, I know for sure that resisting and struggling just prolonged the process.

If you build it...they will come. And no lady....I have travelled enough to realize that there is no magic solution or words of wisdom other than what you have said. I thank you for that.
I just get overwhelmed by how merciless this process can be. It doesn't care if you have bills to pay or relationships that need nurturing....you get given what you get given at any one time.
For months I have barely had enough energy to get out of bed...it is these stark contrasts from what used to be me that continue to amaze & scare me. It is only the fear that I need to maintain appearances that scares me...if I could hide away in a monastry for a while I would probably be more at ease. But hey wherever you are...there you be.

[nothuman]

I guess for me the hardest area is maintaining any level of distance from the pain at times. So to decide to not struggle or to surrender becomes a mental exercise at times & not a natural response to the emotions or thoughts. Most of the time I flail about trying to not resist or pretending not to struggle ...but to be honest I wouldn't have a clue the best I can try and do is not to conceptualize the experience.....

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by nothuman

I have travelled enough to realize that there is no magic solution or words of wisdom other than what you have said. I thank you for that.

Glad to help, when I can.

Originally Posted by nothuman

I just get overwhelmed by how merciless this process can be. It doesn't care if you have bills to pay or relationships that need nurturing....you get given what you get given at any one time.

Yes. I lost everything. Marriage, family, everything that I thought was important. Even ended up in the looney bin for a while (not that long; I wasn't crazy enough for them to keep me more than three days, and I didn't have health insurance, so they weren't keen to do so, anyway).

Originally Posted by nothuman

For months I have barely had enough energy to get out of bed...it is these stark contrasts from what used to be me that continue to amaze & scare me. It is only the fear that I need to maintain appearances that scares me...if I could hide away in a monastry for a while I would probably be more at ease. But hey wherever you are...there you be.

Yeah, you'll get heartily sick of yourself by the end of the process. I did (of me, not of you ).

I think ashrams and certain monasteries actually were conceived for this purpose, actually. Food is provided, you have a quiet place to rest and people to look after you if you need it, you do some chores but otherwise are left alone to contemplate... I wished for one, too, but instead I isolated myself in a two bedroom apartment and just didn't come out of it for a couple of years (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but not much of one!). I don't really recommend it, for what it's worth. Maybe a nice convent would have done the job, but the self-isolation thing... not that great, actually.

I really do know the pain you're in. I know it intimately. One more thing I'll share is something that happened many years ago, when I was isolated in the aforementioned two-bedroom apartment. I developed a severe toothache in one of my molars. I was so out of it in other ways that I didn't even think to go to a doctor (who could have at least prescribed an anti-biotic and strong pain relief), let alone a dentist. So I just had this terrible pain, I mean horrendous. If I'd had a gun, I would have put it on the tooth and pulled the trigger, just to get the pain to stop (I'm not even kidding). After about two days of this, I was in a pretty sorry state, and I went to lie down on my couch with my face pressed against the cushions to try to get some relief and I went into a kind of trance state spontaneously, and I heard: Embrace the pain.

And I thought, WTF?

But at that point, I was exhausted and had been in severe pain for a long time and I thought I'd try anything, so I did that. I lay down, closed my eyes, and let the pain be what it was, and I just stopped resisting and walked right into it (I can't explain "how", I just did it in my mind). Once I did that, I found that pain is nothing more than a strong sensation, and that it was only my interpretation of it and my resistance to it that made it so intolerable. I'm not saying it wasn't "painful", but after that it became tolerable, rather than "seeking to blow my jaw apart with a pistol" kind of pain.

And, probably not coincidentally, shortly after that, the infection started to recede on its own. (Some years after that incident, I finally ended up getting the tooth removed after multiple infections and other woes with it; I kept it, though, as a kind of reminder.)

So, when the pain seems beyond your ability to tolerate and you're thinking how you'd like to blow out your brains or similar, try to embrace the pain. Seems counterintuitive, but it once you learn the knack, it's an extremely useful ability to have. Works for all kinds of pain, emotional, mental, physical, etc. When you get good at it, it can make some kinds of pain diminish so you're kind of "riding above" it, aware of it, but not engaged with it, but at first, well, it just helps you to stop resiting, and that, in turn, makes the pain more tolerable, or, at least, less intolerable.

The fact that you're still here and still standing (more or less) says a great deal about your character and your ability to survive. When you're through the worst of it and healing and growing in cool new directions, you'll be glad you went through this. I can pretty much guarantee that one.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

I think ashrams and certain monasteries actually were conceived for this purpose, actually. Food is provided, you have a quiet place to rest and people to look after you if you need it, you do some chores but otherwise are left alone to contemplate... I wished for one, too, but instead I isolated myself in a two bedroom apartment and just didn't come out of it for a couple of years (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but not much of one!). I don't really recommend it, for what it's worth. Maybe a nice convent would have done the job, but the self-isolation thing... not that great, actually.

Yeah, I wanted to go to a monestary for a while there, but I did the self-isolation thing too. Not that great I agree.

I developed a severe toothache in one of my molars. I was so out of it in other ways that I didn't even think to go to a doctor (who could have at least prescribed an anti-biotic and strong pain relief), let alone a dentist. So I just had this terrible pain, I mean horrendous. If I'd had a gun, I would have put it on the tooth and pulled the trigger, just to get the pain to stop (I'm not even kidding). After about two days of this, I was in a pretty sorry state, and I went to lie down on my couch with my face pressed against the cushions to try to get some relief and I went into a kind of trance state spontaneously, and I heard: Embrace the pain.

I went through the exact same thing. It's like the emotional pain manifested in the form of an extremely extremely painful toothache, which nothing could help. Painkillers would only last a certain time and one time I was in so much pain I didn't think I would sleep at all and this guy who I thought was deluded as he claimed to be Archangel Gabriel disappeared into the toilet while I was moaning to friends to find me a panadol or something so I could sleep, and he came out and handed me a plastic marshmallow man, the one from the movie "Ghostbusters"...and I'm not even kidding, I thought he was joking and swore at him in my head, but when I lay back with it, in a matter of seconds the pain was simply...gone? I fell asleep and the next morning it came back but at least I could make it to a chemist and slept.

I had the teeth removed a week later, complete with abseces. It's interesting that emotional pain manifests this way in some people, via the teeth.

But at that point, I was exhausted and had been in severe pain for a long time and I thought I'd try anything, so I did that. I lay down, closed my eyes, and let the pain be what it was, and I just stopped resisting and walked right into it (I can't explain "how", I just did it in my mind). Once I did that, I found that pain is nothing more than a strong sensation, and that it was only my interpretation of it and my resistance to it that made it so intolerable. I'm not saying it wasn't "painful", but after that it became tolerable, rather than "seeking to blow my jaw apart with a pistol" kind of pain.

Yeah, this really works.

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

Glad to help, when I can.


Yes. I lost everything. Marriage, family, everything that I thought was important. Even ended up in the looney bin for a while (not that long; I wasn't crazy enough for them to keep me more than three days, and I didn't have health insurance, so they weren't keen to do so, anyway).


Yeah, you'll get heartily sick of yourself by the end of the process. I did (of me, not of you ).

I think ashrams and certain monasteries actually were conceived for this purpose, actually. Food is provided, you have a quiet place to rest and people to look after you if you need it, you do some chores but otherwise are left alone to contemplate... I wished for one, too, but instead I isolated myself in a two bedroom apartment and just didn't come out of it for a couple of years (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but not much of one!). I don't really recommend it, for what it's worth. Maybe a nice convent would have done the job, but the self-isolation thing... not that great, actually.

I really do know the pain you're in. I know it intimately. One more thing I'll share is something that happened many years ago, when I was isolated in the aforementioned two-bedroom apartment. I developed a severe toothache in one of my molars. I was so out of it in other ways that I didn't even think to go to a doctor (who could have at least prescribed an anti-biotic and strong pain relief), let alone a dentist. So I just had this terrible pain, I mean horrendous. If I'd had a gun, I would have put it on the tooth and pulled the trigger, just to get the pain to stop (I'm not even kidding). After about two days of this, I was in a pretty sorry state, and I went to lie down on my couch with my face pressed against the cushions to try to get some relief and I went into a kind of trance state spontaneously, and I heard: Embrace the pain.

And I thought, WTF?

But at that point, I was exhausted and had been in severe pain for a long time and I thought I'd try anything, so I did that. I lay down, closed my eyes, and let the pain be what it was, and I just stopped resisting and walked right into it (I can't explain "how", I just did it in my mind). Once I did that, I found that pain is nothing more than a strong sensation, and that it was only my interpretation of it and my resistance to it that made it so intolerable. I'm not saying it wasn't "painful", but after that it became tolerable, rather than "seeking to blow my jaw apart with a pistol" kind of pain.

And, probably not coincidentally, shortly after that, the infection started to recede on its own. (Some years after that incident, I finally ended up getting the tooth removed after multiple infections and other woes with it; I kept it, though, as a kind of reminder.)

So, when the pain seems beyond your ability to tolerate and you're thinking how you'd like to blow out your brains or similar, try to embrace the pain. Seems counterintuitive, but it once you learn the knack, it's an extremely useful ability to have. Works for all kinds of pain, emotional, mental, physical, etc. When you get good at it, it can make some kinds of pain diminish so you're kind of "riding above" it, aware of it, but not engaged with it, but at first, well, it just helps you to stop resiting, and that, in turn, makes the pain more tolerable, or, at least, less intolerable.

The fact that you're still here and still standing (more or less) says a great deal about your character and your ability to survive. When you're through the worst of it and healing and growing in cool new directions, you'll be glad you went through this. I can pretty much guarantee that one.

Well that all hits home to me.....I have just wanted to isolate from the world over this time......I am lucky that I have got people that work for me so there is still some income coming in. Just as well because all desire to make money has left me. At this stage I can barely keep things together to maintain a business I just continue to let it run itself & try not to mess it up with my presence.
Yes I am way passed being sick of myself. Even maintaining me seems all too hard these days I get little cracks in the curtain from time to time & feelings of great love & euphoria & then back to the grindstone.....thanks again

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Well that all hits home to me.....I have just wanted to isolate from the world over this time......I am lucky that I have got people that work for me so there is still some income coming in. Just as well because all desire to make money has left me. At this stage I can barely keep things together to maintain a business I just continue to let it run itself & try not to mess it up with my presence.
Yes I am way passed being sick of myself. Even maintaining me seems all too hard these days I get little cracks in the curtain from time to time & feelings of great love & euphoria & then back to the grindstone.....thanks again

I've just read the whole thread and I relate to it all from personal experience too. It's damn tough. Unbelievably tough. It seems like a spiritual journey but what is it all about? I know it has opened my eyes, stretched my awareness to bursting point, ripped my heart out, shook me to the very core time and again, changed my perspective on the human race and my view of the world. It has changed me in lots of ways so I know how it is transformative but is it more than a personal transformation? What do you believe you are awakening to? regards

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by Maguru

I've just read the whole thread and I relate to it all from personal experience too. It's damn tough. Unbelievably tough. It seems like a spiritual journey but what is it all about? I know it has opened my eyes, stretched my awareness to bursting point, ripped my heart out, shook me to the very core time and again, changed my perspective on the human race and my view of the world. It has changed me in lots of ways so I know how it is transformative but is it more than a personal transformation? What do you believe you are awakening to? regards

At this moment...a steaming pile of dog turd I completely throw my hands up in the air over this. If you asked me anything else I could most probably give you a half decent concept of a goal....but with this, it in itself drives out illusion & concept there is really no way for me to know....someone here said " God make me as you would... do with me as you see fit" that just about nails it for me. It is like there is nothing in me that even feels like I can mould this experience into anything other than where it will take me.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by nothuman

At this moment...a steaming pile of dog turd I completely throw my hands up in the air over this. If you asked me anything else I could most probably give you a half decent concept of a goal....but with this, it in itself drives out illusion & concept there is really no way for me to know....someone here said " God make me as you would... do with me as you see fit" that just about nails it for me. It is like there is nothing in me that even feels like I can mould this experience into anything other than where it will take me.

I kinda, sorta asked for this but hadn't a clue what I was in for. At this point I think it best not to have expectations or pre-conceived ideas of what is to come for the simple reason that it will not be fresh, unique and new. regards

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by nothuman

It is like there is nothing in me that even feels like I can mould this experience into anything other than where it will take me.

That's actually a good thing. It feels like crap, though.

Originally Posted by Maguru

I kinda, sorta asked for this but hadn't a clue what I was in for.

Does anyone? I sure as hell didn't. And if I had, I never would have asked, so I'm glad I didn't know. Y'know?

[nothuman]

Yes. I think my words where along the lines of .... I'll do whatever I need to do , endure whatever I need to endure, if it means I am sleeping in cardboard boxes ..... so be it. C'mon guy I was only joking!!!!!
Its a whole different proposition sitting aware in meditation & pulling this in consciously and then having to live it your every waking moment for God knows how long.
Oh well I did ask....

[sk8joyful]

Originally Posted by nothuman

Hi all.
I'm new around here & would love to get your take on this :
I have been meditating for about 6 years now & prior to that I reached into
all sorts of disiplines & modalities & religions in my search for the great big whatever.

I had a pretty messed up childhood & early adulthood

I have never taken meds & I have done nothing to stifle the process
as I figured this is my shot to handle this stuff. Hell I don't even drink or smoke.

I went to spiritual healers, physcologists & zen practitioners for help. Most said the same thing...endure.

They call it an awakening.

Well,
You only made one mistake, fortunately EASY to correct:
(You went to other humans for advice; and they don't have any,
evidenced in the fact that they told you to merely ENDURE. <- what a crock of poop!)

Want the way out of the hell? others put you thru: Go to GOD.
why?
Simple: HE that is INyou, is Greater !!! than (the world's poop) any day.

See, GOD OVERCAME the world; so you don't have to.

Give any poop to GOD, (for He knows what to do with it). And LIVE the EASY life, IN HIM.

PRAISE God!