Dreams - window on a changing consciousness

[ChildOfNone]

I don't know which Forum topic to put this thread about dreams but I chose This one because dreams are a revelatory window into consciousness.

I am in transition from a disfunctional, dark life into a productive, joy emminating one. I began this leg of the journey by doing work in I/M. That has lead me into a number of personal "workshops"; first exposing deep seeded, long suppressed anxiety, then limiting, inner critical voices and on and on. As I use techniques to elevate the vibrational level of energy I notice that the quality and nature and subject of my dreams is shifting. I see this as an inward sign of a much welcomed shift and I want to record these shifts here: as a record that will be encouraging and in a forum where others might have contributions that facilitate this shift in consciousness.

Two "issues" or thought energies that are in my present focus, I title, "not good enough/not enough" and "Rejected". The original source of these, intertwined issues are childhood but with much added baggage along the journey.

Last night's dreams had settings with roots in my childhood. One dream sequence was set in a beloved vacation setting where my family spent many treasured summers. I was visiting after many years absence. Things had changed and my footings were unsure but I was with people who had been present during my youth. I was trying to get my bearings as I listened to the talk about people and revisited the places. I was riding in the backseat, a passive passenger.

I wasn't feeling overtly rejected but nor was I an integrated part of the whole. I was trying to find a structure to fit my thoughts and abilities into those thoughts and ideas being discussed. "Not enough/not good enough/rejected" impulses pulsied through my veins creating a specific physical sensation associated with those very feelings. I want in. I want to fit in. I want to belong - integrally. I want my thoughts and actions to flow in a world and environment larger than me. I don't speak - until the impulse overtakes me - I expect the door to slam shut - it doesn't.

We got to a home, parked the car, everyone out, a discussion about fflowers and seeds. Without filter I rose up and

[ChildOfNone]

One dream last night was in a room, a bedroom. I was sitting with my child who was unabble to sleep. Out of a dreamlike, sleepless state i began trying to eliminate the obstacles to sleep.
I moved my child from the plush armchair to the narrow bed.
restlessness
I turned off the rambling television
tossing and turning
I flipped the light switch on the lights in the next room
thrashing and moaning
the dawn light crept in; I shut the black out curtains
no relief
talking and loud conversation pierced the silence from outside

I awoke and began clearing each and every obstacle, leading to images of many more.

[ChildOfNone]

I slept deeply last night and have only mere sensations with a sprinkling of images from my dreams.

It was a struggle but a positive struggle.

I woke with a struggle to explain to someone about the value of a presence. The presence was "Merton."

The other scene I retained was the presence of a child who was pointing out something to a handful of adults. They were dismissive and I was encouraging them to take heed.

A third scene included a romantic lover. He had broken his word and was rejecting me. This person was not an ideal partner but I had taken him on as a safe choice and now he had turned his shoulder. I am alone and on my own.

[ChildOfNone]

Night before last I had a dream in which I walked into a room. Only one person was there sitting on the couch with his feet up. It was a man whom I knew growing up. I sat on the far end of the couch. He sugested that I might not want to sit on the end of the couch near his feet. I laughed and said I would rather sit there than in the armchair.

That simple dream scene I realized was about rejection and acceptance. I chose to sit on the couch because I had a profound longing to connect, to be near, to feel the energy from another human being. This person in real life is not particularly warm or friendly but in the dream all of that distancing faded away.

Last night I had a even odder dream scene. The setting was a kind of camp like rustic place with many people. I went to the bahroom where the main thing was a sink with a counter and cabinet. Each time I went into this bathroom the sink and cabinet seemed to be in a different place and along different walls. When I examined the plumbing however it seemed to be tied to pipes. It was a mystery.

[ChildOfNone]

I had a very illuminating dream last night.

In the dream I was very passive, acting and reacting to events set into motion by others, particularly my mother. I was going along for the ride so to speak.

When I awoke I saw immediately that the message was that I am living my life utterly passive, letting life set the agenda. Clearly it is time to take the bull by the horns and set my own goals. The instant I saw this and had the thought to set my own agenda I was flummoxed. I haven't a clue about doing this. That realization made the point of the dream more solid still.

And suprising to myself, I have a resistance to doing this most obvious step. I cannot begin to write about how caught off guard I am by this realization. I have been completely unaware that I was not in charge of my life.

I do know what I need to do. But I am further surprised about how scary this is. I have been living my life from the backseat. I must have believed that I was in command of the driver like a chaffeur. But that has been a delusion.

So I have a double duty: get over the fear and set my own life's agenda. What a wake up!

[ChildOfNone]

Yesterday I had a bizarre dream. In one segment there was an odd post with chutes emminating, like some kind of mini-waterpark ride. I was climbing the post like a tree in order to get to a level where some other people were. There was some traffic going up and going down this post but the climb was complicated and difficult. I had a feeling of great accomplishment in getting through this particular junction.

Last night, in one dream segment, my father gave me a small gift wrapped loosely in paper like newsprint. People encouraged me to open it. It was clearly a photograph and for some reason there was an expectation that it was a picture of me. When I opened it the frame was empty. I turned it over and there were nested two or more pictures of my father. The pictures were taken at different ages but set in the exact same setting on the porch of a rustic building. There are some small architechtural ;differences in the buildings doorways.

[ChildOfNone]

I dreamt about a family with whom I am aquainted. But the clencher came from a scene with a son who does not exist. It is so weird how the dream mind uses facts from reality and then throws other things in.

In short, the father of this family is an attorney, who has a hearing coming up about a charge of lying before a judge. I know something about it which could be jeopardizing to him. I am at a small gathering with his daughter who is talking about the allegations with her mother when the father arrives. I do not want to let on what I know so I keep my mouth shut.

Next scene is at a real estate development which they own. There are sizeable condominiums which are leased and for sale. The brother is involved in some form of deception regarding the real estate. I am in another conversation where the family is present. It becomes clear that there is some for of nascent relationship between the son and me. I put my head on hs shoulder. But the rub is that I am torn into: longing for belonging and intimacy while clearly aware that the possibility for a meaningful relationship here is nil.

That is when I woke up. That tension is where the spotllight shines to reveal where some part of my being has lived - always longing for a connection, a belonging but void of a vision about that existing without giving up the very thing that gives it real value - a true loving and belonging sans compromise.

I awoke with a deep, painful stomach ache.

There is a hopelessness - a resignation.
It is that resignation that I must address. I am currently living in that state of resignation.

[Greek Dog]

Difficult dreams last night. Revealing dark issues that need to be dealt with.

Part of the dream was a recurring theme (recurring for years and years) in which I am in a car driven by someone else. Something disastrous is about to happen and I am trying to communicate the empending event and a solution but no one is listening. I am panicked, frustrated and fearful.

As I struggled with this image before I got up I realized a few things that I absolutely must address: 1) is that I am going through life passively allowing others to be in the driver's seat, 2) I am afraid of what life is bringing, afraid of what is about to happen, 3) I feel marginalized, devalued, not exactly invisible but rejected.

The result of this is a stomach turning feeling which I have been doing anything and everything to avoid. I have been passively living life in avoidance, able to deal with time sensitive emergencies but not able or willing to deal with day to day. It has all felt too overwhelming.

Dealing with daily emergencies has meant that I could focus short term on what was at hand and let all other slide until they became an emergency of sorts.

This dream is screaming out to me to take control and get in the driver's seat of my life. Even though I see this clearly, I have no idea how to do this and part of me really does not want to do it. Though I cannot see the full length of the path on "how" I do see where to take a step or two and I am actually on that path. I must have the courage to continue down it even without seeing the end. but it is the issue about "part of me really does not want to do it" that is the biggest issue. That is the resistance that I am experiencing. That is the obstacle that is in my way. This absolutely must be addressed.