What should I do ?
Its been for 9 months now. I feel nothing.
I dont have any emotions or anything similar to them.
I feel like I dont have my soul or my self any longer.
thinking about solving my problem and trying to breaking my own "cage" makes me "feel" totally irritating and hopeless, but its still far from emotion.
I simply dont remember this 9 months .. its like I havent really lived them.
and I also dont remember my past.
I can't think, i can't remember.. I try to feel but there is nothing to feel.
Nothing makes sense. I even hardly descriebe all this , since its not like I am I
So should I choose for some medicine **** like antidepressants ?
I know its chemichal ♥♥♥♥ but I heard that a lot of people could feel after taking them
Or should I just wait ? but I don't think that there is matter dark night of the soul of me, since I experienced trauma it is totally diffrent..
or perform shamanic healing instead ? but the problem is, there isnt any shamans in my country and im too young for traveling alone.
I went through a phase of feeling nothing. It had to do with the extreme pain I had in my head from an aggravation in my brain, which was operated on 3 times and radiated for 30 days. I became emotionally cold, because the pain overwhelmed anything I felt. I couldn't even cry, and feeling anything just became harder and harder. I got through it, though.
I found something to live for, I found people to talk to, and I get into therapy. Therapy didn't help much, but I started a full-time job working nights (11P-7:30A) and that helped get me out of the house and doing something other than mope around feeling nothing. I started eating healthier and that seemed to boost my mood as well. I tried to take a holistic approach, and it worked. I started taking a multivitamin, vitamin C, and L-theanine, which is a stress-reducing supplement, and they all seemed to also help. I began getting more sun. Sun has healing properties, but just don't overdo it (i.e. get burned).
You have to try everything that might help in order to truly know what helps. Start with improving your health, exercise, and try meditating as well. Get some sun and try to breathe deeply. Trust me, the oxygen certainly makes things feel better. Best of luck and I hope these suggestions were useful.
Time to head for the mountains and search for your true self :D Just kidding. I had been feeling like you for a long time so I can imagine what a devastating and hopeless experience it seems to be. Thumbs up for acknowledging that.
My advice for you is to at first see if there are no medical reasons for all of this. I'm talking about clinical depression. I'm not sure how that would go but someone at you local hospital must know about this.
If this is not the case than as Steve Pavlina would arguably say it's time to say to yourself that you put yourself in this kind of situation. A good psychologist might help a lot with it.
Now that you know how you feel, don't sit and think more about how bad this whole situation looks. I'm pretty sure that you have infinite potential. Good luck :)
You need to give yourself a jolt.
Just surviving is one thing... but about thriving?
You said, " I feel nothing."
If you want emotion, then you must be in motion. Remember that energy in motion is e-motion.
So here's the deal. Choose two of the biggest items you have been procrastinating with over the past 9 months. It could be your taxes, managing your money, asking someone out on a date, writing a love letter, it doesn't matter what the heck it is... take two of them and WRITE them down.
Then take one of those items and take ONE SMALL action towards it in the next 24 hours. I guaranteed you will alter your bio chemistry and GIVE yourself a jolt of energy. You will feel alive.
You're either moving backwards, forwards or not at all. When you resist change it can begin to feel like a numbness. You are out of the flow. Do something to shake up your life and preferably do it for reasons that will propel you forward into better and bigger things. Resist long enough and change will be thrust upon you.
If things are changing but you still feel nothing you might want to give some serious thought to how you have coped with pain. Sometimes tremendous suppression can lead to a sense of numbness.
I recommend dumping any of the crap you've been telling yourself for the past 9 months. If you know how to meditate, then do that.
If not, then find something that you used to think was beautiful. Something that sparked a sliver of an emotion in you. It could be music, a friend, a pet, or whatever.
Let's say it's a flower. There's a really pretty flower outside your house that you used to look at. It made you happy.
Clear your mind, go outside, and stare at it. Don't think about it, analyze it, or label it. Just go look at it. Forget about everything else. Forget about who you are. See if you can feel something for that flower.
It may sound weird, but try it. I used to be pretty out of touch from my emotions too. It was mainly because I was thinking way too much. This exercise will help you to relax your mind, and enter your emotions.
My head radiate as well, I hear chemichals running trough my brains. So on the Day of the trauma, I heard abd fekt that chemichals seriously changed shape. And after that I entered into "myself" and meet my other self. However after that, all was lost. I was suddenly cut off from the essence and every feelings, memories, joys, pleasures, all dissapeared.
I never wanted them to see what really lies behind me.
I lost all bonds to them. I don't remember almost nothing about them. Its like they are strangers to me. Whenever I am with them I no longer feel this connection to them. I can't think of any ideas about what to talk to them..
Other item would probably be being with my friends.
Its fammiliar as for my fammily.
I lost almost all memories about my friends, understandings of who they are, and how they are. Everything. I am totally unmoved by their presence. I feel nothing, I almost don't have idea about what to talk about.
Time to time I can remember some memory of a past, with a tiny piece of emotion. And It brings tears in my eyes. Altrough it doesn't move my hearth the tears came anyway.
so what should I do ? I simply don't find the solution.. how to heal those bonds and memories ?
Now when I meditate I cant deepen for good. I have no sense of myself or my spirit. I was cut off. I am in cage, I am limited. I cant move further, since its always content. Always the same.
All what changes during meditation is my chemichals in my brain.
Yea, I am doing just like that. I stare at a tree, I don't think about anything. I just stare. I can stare long and I wouldn't think of anything. The more I just stare the more I get aware that there is nothing to think or feel about.
So I guess now you are lacking spontaneity whilst amongst friends and loved ones, while you see everything around you like if you were watching a bad movie, since you donít really feel being a part of it all any longer.
Since you are considering to take medication I assume you are caught inside a depression too.
I can also figure out, you are not in denial of your actual state of being, which is very positive!
The fact you are very young is positive too, do know, nothing is lost!
The main reason why you are just sitting while meditating is probably
because you are lingering in a low vibration.
Do know, you are not dealing with a problem, rather a situation which you can and will overcome.
Shamans are cool but if they are not at hand, you will need to rely upon your own for the time being.
I ignore the nature of your trauma, have you ever considered to write down in detail what you have experienced?
In many cases this can cause/help the healing process to recover from it. It might be very painful having to go through your mind in order to recall all which has taken place, but it can possibly free you from which is affecting you.
If you would like to know how, I will be more than willing to help you around.
Hope this made some sense!
pieces of memories
Let me tell you that I am not remembering my past very good. Actually I remember it in tiny tiny pieces without any emotional content.
I will try my best to descriebe what was happening during trauma and I will add some details before trauma too.
Me and my friends was smoking some weed in the nature.
We talked about life and stuff , laugh a lot too :)
Then from some reason I just started to meditate , I don't know why, I was relaxing deeper and deeper.
More and more I got relaxed, more and more I got egoic thoughts towards my friends , thinking about how much he hurt me and how many times. And then I looked pity at him, laughing inside of my mind , saying : you are piece of trash, I am smarter than you , handsomer than you , bla bla..
Those thoughts were totallly UN me , but I honored them in some way.. I really regret that.
Well after sometime , my mind stopped still. ( I was still meditating )
My chemichals in my brains changed shape ( I could and can hear them )
Suddenly I appeared In the " chamber of my soul " where I meet my other Self, or higher self , I dont know.
When I looked into his eyes I felt very blissfull and loved.
But this lasted only for few secounds, after that look a wooden cage appeared from nowhere and sealed me within. I felt how my inner connections were cut of immidiatley, striped away from my hearth.
I experienced immense fear and panic. I also experienced feelings that I couldn't resolve. They were totally diffrent, totally EVIL , I never felt anything like this before. I cried out to my friend that I want to go home so he took me home. It was around 9 PM then. I went to bed immidietly, crying till I fell asleep.
Next morning I woke up.. As I opened my eyes I was crying, I didn't know why at first ( I was sleepy ). But then I recognized. I was cut off from my essence. I couldn't think , feel , remember. Nothing. I felt massive ammout of pain inside of my hearth. I knew that this is real, this is no after stoned state. This was diffrent.
For next 2 weeks my energy decreassed more and more. With new day when I woke up I felt like Died over and over. But unfortennly I was still alive..
Every new day I felt emptiness in my hearth and my mind. My self was gone. I couldnt do a thing to Retrieve back my essential self nor myself.
After 2 months this emptiness faded away too. I was totally emotionless.
Those memories are just pieces, I almost dont remember anything from that day on and even beyond ( past ).
I hope I wrote this understandable, I m sorry if its confuseful.
I also had unwanted sex relationship few days before trauma, after that damn thing everything changed, but not essential.
Trauma took away everything.
Love and Bliss
Hello David, I'm sorry to hear you are still going through this. In my experience with trauma, it changes who you are. You are never the same and cannot go back. The struggle is in not accepting this transformation. The new self can never be the old self, but the good news is that you can be a new self over and over again. Warmest wishes to you, Paula
In the meanwhile I guess you could take some time to visit the website of Hank Wesselman, either he or his wife Jill could offer you better advise upon what you are dealing with.
You can send him and her email too, depending on where they are and there schedule it might take some time before you get an answer, but they do reply eventually.
Be genuine, detailed and honest regarding what you send them, so make sure they receive detailed information about your profile and what is troubling you.
Don’t forget to mention your age either, in relation to your drug (cannabis) consumption age is an important factor.
I will get back to you in a few days, already know, I won’t be able to help you, but on the other hand, I’m most positive to believe something can be done to bring relief of what you are suffering from.
Take care for now, and I do encourage you to take a look at their website,
Check this out... below there is a link to the website.
YouTube - Symptoms of Soul Loss
Yes it changes you for sure, but that is not what's bothering me.
The true problem is that I no longer have a Self , nor I have my higher Self.
All conections were and are cut. I am like "watcher" of my life. I live beyond my own stories but thats all. I don't feel SINGLE thing inside of me. I can not think or remember. Its not that I would want to do so badly, but due to this I am loosing my relationships with people.
My inner energy is fading away or to say, it already has faded..
I can not love anybody
Nor I can love myself.
I also gone back on weed, but I allready recognized again that this is way way worser thing for me, now in this state than ever. So I quit it again. I am without pot for 6 days now.
But I have side sense that everything is gonna be allright, so I wont doubt it anymore. I also decieded today not to think about anything about me from this day on.
I wish you Love Paula, Thank you for "watching over me" :P
Best wishes, HUG
Thank you so much for your words. Thank you for the youtube link. This dude really seems to understand the Thing ( Soul Loss )
I will do As you said. Thank you againe !
Love to you *
This does sound rather like a "Soul Loss" experience (where parts of the Soul flee in order to escape the pain when a traumatic event happens in life) Many people get this, some less -some more- than others. But Shamanic Healing could help a lot. You could contact an organisation called shamanism.org (online) to see if there is anyone at all near where you live who is registered and able to practice Soul Retrieval. Otherwise -do check this out. There may even be someone in another country who could help you at a distance.
The soul does not care about international boundaries....it is in an alternate level. Someone maybe could help you.
Remember -nothing is lost forever. Your Immortal Soul is yours and if you have lost connection temporarily, it doesn't mean it's forever! Work can be done to bring back what you wish to be.
Just recently I was reduced to a 'nobody'. Absolutely no connection to anything or anyone. Just completely isolated in my small world. Unable to sustain surface relationships and unable to find meaning.
However, I know at this point I am free from my past. Free from who I used to be. Free from interference of the outside world. Freedom to be who I wish to be.
It has been a long hard slog for me to facilitate my own transformation and I'm yet to experience the fruits of my labour but I have faith, trust and belief in myself that the best is yet to come.
I do think about you and I do care about you. I truly believe you are on your way and indeed, everything will be alright. :) with love, Paula
How do you experience desire? Do you have the experience of wanting things?
Do you enjoy eating?
I checked shamanism.org and wrote an email to Zora. She is in Austria, I am from Slovenia.
Thank you for your advices.
Love to you
What I also think is that I get in touch with my Higher Self in very early's chiilhood.
Now that that connection is loss, I can not form any new self, nor I have need to have a self. I just want inner connection back. I somehow know that everything else is simply an Illusion of the mind.
Love to you.
I can totally be in the Present moment but there is always this background "reminder" that I am wounded from the inside.
Yes, I enjoy eating. But its totally diffrent that it was 1 year ago.
What are you dreaming?
I have a question, I was wondering, are you still smoking weed?
Since it is weed which got you in the mind cage, I believe music might maybe
be an answer to get you out of it.
Just let me know ;-)
I couldn't bear the lost of the Presence which I was feeling and been aware of since I was little kid.
No, I am not smoking it now for 1 week and 3 days.
I can also hear Chemichals running trough my brain.
I could hear them even before trauma.
Well on the traumatic event Chemichals were changing rapidly, and had PLASTIC feeling. I dont know how to descriebe..
What do you mean that the music can get me out of the cage ?
I am listening to all kind of relaxing music when i "meditate" or go to sleep.
I had no experience of emotion all of my childhood, and I've broken out of it. I definitely experienced feeling "disconnected", and thinking there was something I needed to reconnect to.
What's different about eating? Do you eat less? I asked because I got to the point where eating was kind of annoyance, and not something I enjoyed. I would just not eat for days, because I didn't have any drive to eat. If you're experiencing hunger, I think that's at least one good sign.
Well some years ago I experienced a major shift in consciousness, major in the sense everything changed.
I will not go in detail, but music played a more than important role within the mental process I was experiencing. Not only was it of great help, but it literally pulled me through while opened up new ways of understanding which I needed.
To be more precise it was classic music which did a great job on me, it somehow helped me out to deal with painful trauma’s which I had suffered during childhood, classic music somehow provided me a way to bring out all the hurt inside, thanks to classic music I could heal myself like if it where therapy.
Still it demands a strong will and willingness to enable oneself to focus upon what you are listening, in some way I regard it to be a form of meditation in which the goal is to reach the very core and essence of that which the composer is trying to bridge throughout the use of an orchestra.
If you listen to the music of a genius composer while reach to evoke affinity or affection towards his work, this might open up possibilities which like in my situation, were stunningly life changing in their effect.
If you are willing to give it a go, I will be more than willing to assist you in finding a genius composer, one which might suit you best. I will feed you music, while depending on what you like best we can continue until you find and receive that energy from the music itself to continue your way.
It might not sound all that much an appetite to start with, but believe me when I say, I have been bending my head around your situation in order to come up with a way (therefore maybe not solution) which is not threatening for either yourself and me, I’m not a doctor ;-)
Like I said before, the situation you are dealing with is far and out of my league, but considering my lived experience I’m positive to believe this approach might bring you relief.
If you carry no interest, well, that’s just fine, I can easily understand you might not fancy classic music or this approach to it, all fine.
Other than that, just let me know if you have question, I will await your opinion and work or not from there.
Take care ;-)
and I also have some reiki Music. I will try to meditate on it.
Thank you :)
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