I think meditation has left me emotionally blank

[AdoptedOne]

Hi everyone. I wanted to post something and I am hoping at least someone here can relate. Someone who knows what I have been experiening. It is frustrating that I find very few who seem to have this problem. Most signs point towards depression but it doesn't seem to feel like it. More profound emptyness and apathy if anything.

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor. I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first. However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

[Chameleon]

I am certainly NO expert, but I 'm guessing that what has happened is that you have somehow put yourself in a state of detachment that is your ego's interpretation of what "now" consciousness is like. (See the What are the biggies? thread and the Eckert Toll one)

In another thread there has been quite a lot of discussion about this "now" consciousness and what it ifeels like, and I was worried about the very things you are describing. I gathered, though, that actually being in this aware state would feel MORE connected and sharply functional, rather than less.

Perhaps you have indeed left yourself in a slightly "hypnotised" state, not really coming all the way out of your meditation.

I would reccomend "throwing out the book", getting back into mundane affairs like TV or reading (fiction, NOT spiritual stuff) , or magazines, or sports to sort of "reground" yourself.

Just drop the whole "self development" thing for awhile, go do something anti-self-development. :P (get drunk with some friends, maybe?) and catch your breath. It CAN"T be good to be even marginally contemplating suicide!!

[alexplatups]

First of all, everything is fine as it is. Your thoughts that something should
be different are creating the resistance in you. This is simply a transition
from one state into another. Just like Chameleon wrote, you should check
out the thread where you can find a lot about awareness/consciousness
and by reading through the thread you will become aware of what happened
in your experience. Below is a link:

Alexplatups: What are the biggies?

make sure to go through the whole thread, because you will see how it goes
through a transition also, and this will help you tremendously in realizing that
whatever you are experiencing is what you should be experiencing, because
it IS what you are experiencing !!!

[Horizons]

Ok this turned into a bit of an essay lol

I think many people approach meditation as being completely harmless harmless. Meditation is now become so main stream and is being preached as the best thing since sliced bread by many people, including scientists who have studied its effect on the brain, brain waves ect ect. This main stream 'happy go lucky, everyone should be doing it, no harm can come' attitude, while being great in drawing people to meditation - it is also both a limited perspective, and potentially dangerous to the practitioner.

It's funny when I read articles that simply state that meditation has great stress boosting effects blah blah blah and stop at that. And many people's knowledge on meditation and its effects do not go that much further than this perspective.

Meditation has a profound effect on a person's being and can literally change what it means to be a human being. Actually being the being! Your past conditioning does not make this a smooth ride. Your ego will fight, kick and scream. Many problems can arise, which can usually be worked through but you need an UNDERSTANDING of the process. It is not to be taken light heartedly, or you can be left with confusion and undesirable effects. You also need to be doing the correct style of meditation to suit YOU (see the book I recommend).

I really can not advise you one way or another on what to do because I do not know your full circumstance. I ask you to make your own judgement based on the points I make and maybe someone else can elaborate more clearly on the correct course of action.

However - I believe one possibility with this is that this is part of the process. The path of meditation can take you to some very dark places. It is the ultimate tool for facing reality and many obstacles exist along the way as your IDENTITY takes on a different centre of gravity, as you become MORE of who you really are. This happens in stages and every time it happens, its like a death an rebirth into something which encapsulates more of the radiance of your being. But it actually feels like DEATH to the ego so it kicks and screams and you feel like ****. The funny thing is, nothing could be further from the truth. You are becoming more ALIVE not DEAD. The ego does not understand this. It is a survival mechanism.

I have certainly had similar effects from meditation to what you have described. It is not unusual. Meditation slowly moves you away from identification with your ego into the witness. This can make you feel 'disassociated.’. It can make you feel ‘flat.’ However, the peace, love and joy is slowly revealed beyond the ‘flatness.’ The flatness is really a result of not being so caught up in the drama any more, which eventually leads to inner peace. I believe it happens in stages though so the transition can feel bad and unnatural as shifts happen.

I’m not saying this is necessarily what YOU are experiencing, however, it MAY be.

Alternatively (and to be honest, I think this could be more likely), this could simply be an undesirable 'side effect' meditation is having and is not the result of an opening. What kind of meditation do you do? If this is the case, cut down or choose a different type of meditation to see if that works better. This is where I want to recommend you a great book, which I think every meditator should read. 'The Dangers of Meditation and Yoga' - by Del Pe. Read it cover to cover. Its a balanced, intelligent way of looking at meditation which essentially shows you how to progress SAFELY and CONSCIOUSLY. For example, I want you to look at the chapter on 'Spacey Meditator Syndrome' and 'Mindlessness Syndrome.' You seem to be having similar symptoms to what is described as well as potentially other things in that chapter. The good thing is, he offers SOLUTIONS, such as grounding techniques like squats, stamping feet ect. Please buy this book, it will give you many answers and I believe it will help you with your problems, it did for me.

I am by no means an 'expert' on meditation, just a dedicated practitioner and enthusiast and these are my views. I hope others can expand on them.

Also like someone else’s idea of sacking off the whole thing and just doing ‘normal’ ‘grounding’ stuff for a while to get back into like and re balanced. Then you can come back stronger and with more experience.

I wish you well. Believe me, I know how hard to can be when your in the hole over stuff like this. Let me know how you get on, and feel free to get in touch any time.

Daniel

[Cochonette]

I think it's a common phenomenon, actually. When I first started meditating daily, after a few months I came to a state of not feeling much. It was actually a slightly negative, slightly positive state because on the one hand I was slightly frustrated to not be feeling much, and on the other hand I was slightly glad I wasn't feeling down. It's a temporary state and will pass. Since then I have had many ups and downs. Ups, downs, and in-betweens are all just part of one process. You can choose to interpret them positively, negatively, or something in-between. Of course, if you want to spice up your life, you can always go out and do something crazy, or dare to feel something crazy!

[SethWilliams]

I have been there aswell. Its not permanent. Nothing in life is permanent. Everything always changes, eventually.

The feeling of emptiness is just a metamorphosis stage. There is no reason why you cant feel joy, your just choosing not to at the moment. I dont mean a conscious you, i mean a more unconscious part of you.

The only Advice i can give is ride it out.

Love Seth

[wstein]

Sounds like you have gotten ‘detachment’ via meditation, this is good. All that unnecessary and not really you turmoil of emotion is gone. If you are use to the world of drama and trauma, this will feel weird for a while.

The next step is to work on being present (in the now) without losing detachment. It may seem that these are mutually exclusive but they aren’t. A balance of being present and detachment will allow you to experience the world fully without getting caught in the external turmoil.

[Horizons]

Try and practice not resisting the process. This is KEY. Allow it to all happen and welcome it no matter how bad it feels. Don't take the thoughts too seriously. It's only your mind after all, a pattern forming machine. Just witness the thoughts like 'I feel like ****,' blah blah blah and SMILE :-) It has much more chance of shifting quickly this way if it is just part of the ride, which it may well be and is what the people above believe. Resisting it will REALLY put you in a hole. In fact, I'm going to say that its not the process that hurts, it's the fact that you hate it and your resistance to it. THAT is what makes you feel like death, not the thing itself. Think about that carefully. It's the key with this stuff.

[cylon]

When we are young children we are the most "ourselves" we have ever been. Unable to really comprehend what the future might hold, and too fascinated by what is happening around us to reminisce about the past, we are in the moment, truly and purely ourselves.

As we start to grow up, we begin to think more, and to analyze just about everything, especially what actions we may or may not want to take.

Over time, we start to mistake this "inner world" of thinking, analyzing, and philosophizing, as our "real selves". We think our personality is that never-ending monkey chattering voice we hear in our heads, forgetting that the real, genuine, confident and loving person that we truly are is buried under years of second-guessing and confusion.

In my experience, when you meditate you start to quiet down that critical inner voice, and your true, buried self starts to re-emerge. The interesting thing is, since you've kept it hidden so long, you might not recognize it when it begins coming out of its slumber. Perhaps what you may feel is a bit of separation anxiety from the critical inner voice that you mistakenly took for your true self, your actual personality.

You become someone who is between two worlds: the familiar every day you that you think of as "me" (the voice who is always bringing you down) and the memory of who you used to be when you were younger--but it's been so long that that person might feel like "not me".

You lose your reference point, basically. You're kind of dealing with the weakest parts of yourself. Your genuine, true self has been hidden for so long that it's not strong enough (yet) to face the world on its own, and your mistaken identity (critical inner voice) has run your life for so long that to be away from it for any extended period of time feels scary and can cause anxiety.

Essentially, it turns you into a zombie. For awhile. You don't really know who you are any more, or what you like, or dislike, what your values are, what your preferences should be, etc. The reason it feels this way is your frame of reference (your inner world you are learning to quiet down) has been removed--and with it the reasons for all the things you do and believe.

But-- just hang on. Ride it out. Because what will start to replace this "liminal space" you are in is the emergence of a regular feeling of joy... a clear signal you have made consistent contact with that submerged, genuine self. The more you meditate, and quiet down that inner critical voice, the more your genuine nature comes to the surface, and the better you will feel.

But it's a process, it's not over night, and there will be a bit of back and forth. You may feel tempted to just say "screw it", and return to your previous way of life--where everything made sense and you had very clear cut reasons for doing things. That sense of the familiar will sound very good to you.

So that's all the advice I would give--ride it out, and whatever you choose to do with your meditation practice, stay consistent--even if yucky stuff comes up and you'd rather not deal with it. It's like an inner cleanse and if you want the good stuff, you just have to get rid of the gunk first. Price for admission is a period of time where you really don't know if you're coming or going, or why you're doing anything, or if you should even care.

Good luck.

[Bobisashortname]

I stumbled across this thread and site by chance or fortune in an attempt to see if anyone else has experienced 'emotional blankness.' I have never practiced meditation, but had arrived at this blank state through years of self analysis... and maybe that is what meditation is, I'm not sure. Either way, I spent quite a while in your shoes. I even declared to myself id rather die than feel nothing. It was probably the lowest point in my life. What I arrived at (for me) is that I had embarked on a journey of self discovery that most people never do.. and was still holding myself to 'normal people standards' .. as in comparing this new (lack of feeling) to people around me who seemed to be happier.. andthat was largely due to the uncharted territory I had entered with nothing to compare it to. I took a step back and looked at the bigger picture, arriving at thebroader question 'why' instead of 'why is this lack of feeling bad'. Somewhere in doing so, I found an understanding of myself again on a deeper level. None of this may make any sense to you, so my cliffnote version is.. where you're at isn't the only place that you're going to be.. its only where you are right now! Take a step back and figure out why you're there and why you think its bad to be there. I can't convey the transformation in any coherent way, but literally everything you said (apathy, suicide, social skills diminishing) I can relate to and it makes me smile to know when you come to the next place this ones gonna feel like the final frustrating days in a coccoon(sp?). I hope this helps.sorry I've typed it all on a phone and not a computer. R.

[Jaiysun4]

Firstly I would like to say that Horizons first post is excellent.

In reply to the above person, I would say that meditation should be the opposite of self-analysis, in the sense of witnessing and judging parts of oneself, analysing them, creating attachments to them (the thoughts and feelings as they arise).

When you meditate it is important to distinguish between this, and the process of simply letting things come into your mind, and swell up, without attaching to them in any way. This way you are reducing your emotional attachments to memories. Of course, many thoughts are negative and therefore you are helping yourself. But the process of reducing attachment to positive memories aswell, will reduce the intensity of those feelings.

Chris Ginsburg has it spot on when he comments that this can lead to a numb feeling, as you realise that all that comes into your mind can be witnessed, creating a barrier between the witnessing and your thoughts and emotions, the witnessed.

This may be a big problem and it is something to be rectified.

For me, the point of meditation is to become less self-conscious and NOT more. The idea of "being in the now" refers to trusting all the emotions and thoughts and feelings that come into your consciousness, and being able to act on them, safe in the comfort that you are operating from a compassionate, humane and intelligent position. This is the trust that comes from purifying your moral outlook through the use of meditation and self-development.

The point of meditation is to remove the critical monkey, not to become a permanent critical monkey witnessing yourself live your life! It is a subtle but important difference.

I would suggest that when not meditating you forget all about the meditative state. Or at least try and focus 100% on what it is you are doing, and NOT the experience of doing it. This is for me, one of the major goals of meditation (and i say it again) - being completely absorbed in experience and having no self-consciousness at all.

So basically, i would recommend absorbing your mind in things and taking a massive chill pill. When you meditate, focus on relaxing your body or your breath, and not your thoughts and emotions. Just allow the thoughts and emotions to rise but don't judge them, go back to the focus on the body/breath each time. It will feel like you are cleansing your mind and you should feel sharper and more alert and more in tune with yourself, not less.

Hope this helps!

And yeh, go out, have fun, and try focusing on things, anything, other than your self - that picture of yourself you have painted that is negative. You have turned meditation into a massive analysis of yourself, rather than allowing the spontaneous ebb and flow of your consciousness to be trusted and connected with (in my opinion).

It is good to feel, crucial to feel and be passionate. The point of meditation is to reduce the negative emotions and allow yourself to act rationally despite of them, whilst at the same time increasing positive emotions and allowing you to relax and revel in them.

[AdoptedOne]

Hi again and thanks for everyone sharing their thoughts on the topic. Well I don't really know what more I can say on this, the blank, numb feeling persists everyday. I know something is wrong when I have no internal reaction to most situations like I once did. For example when my Grandad died recently I felt nothing not even at the funeral, if an attractive woman takes a liking to me and smiles at me again I feel nothing inside. It just seems like I am going through the motions everyday in pretty much all situations of course I can fake being interested in others and the way I react but there is no feeling behind this. If you can believe this I often go for hours at a time even when working with no thoughts at all, a blank mind I don't seem to be able to feel a lot of the emotions I once could or did like jealously, envy, joy, excitement, empathy sadness etc. Unless I force myself to think I have a blank mind, absent of thought. Perhaps I shutdown my "inner chatter" whatever term you want to call it and this has taken an effect on my emotions somehow.

I think I have a lot of less self consciousness as well now that another poster brought it up, people can't really affect my state like before I can be totally calm in most situations so therefore In a way I am more confident because there isn't much internal doubt. It does seem like I am mostly watching the thoughts I have which is less than before I know this sounds strange but I can keeping consciouslly telling myself how great I am or even the opposite how much of a loser I am etc and it doesn't affect me or state emotionally and even If I did feel something it is always short lived. My default state, emotional state seems to be apathy, neutral, indifference.

Now I am really religous at all but this article does explain well about this blank, numb state of mind "Loss of the affective ego"

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

Again I want to stress this state of mind what I have been experiencing what I continue to experience is not depression because I have I been in that dark place before. There is feeling numb because you want to try and block out your "pain" from depression and there is being numb because there is nothing to feel if that makes sense.

[Orca]

Hi AdoptedOne,

I don't know if this will help at all, but I thought I'd offer it. I've seen this happen one time before. It was as if somehow the person's etheric body got stuck outside their physical body and could not make it back in, for whatever reason. It was like it had gone so far out into the ethers that it had gotten a bit lost or something. It was like key looking for the keyhole. The person was rather blank, almost like emotionless. It took some shamanic work to go out and retrieve this part of them. And then the person was ok again. Literally, the blood started to animate again.

Perhaps that might help you. It's a different approach, I know. But it seems that if you could have found a way back into yourself via centering or doing stuff or exercises by yourself, you would have already. So maybe it is time to consider some extra support to help you?

Hope this helps.

Kind Regards,

Orca

[spacecadetglow]

I suggest prayer. Not kidding.

[wstein]

Originally Posted by Jaiysun4

The idea of "being in the now" refers to trusting all the emotions and thoughts and feelings that come into your consciousness, and being able to act on them, safe in the comfort that you are operating from a compassionate, humane and intelligent position. This is the trust that comes from purifying your moral outlook through the use of meditation and self-development.

My understanding of being in the 'now' is very different than this.

Being in the now is actually much like meditating. Instead of merely watching thoughts, when being in the now you are merely watching [all]. You will find that you take action, witness this in the same way you would thoughts in meditation. The emotions, thoughts, and feelings may be there or not. Trust is not involved, you are merely allowing your authentic self to respond to (act on) events when they actually occur without all the externally generated stuff getting in the way.

[DeepGrowth]

I can completely relate to your experience because it is something that has happened to me as a direct result of meditation. That is, my emotions seem more tuned out or reduced.

The first thing I noticed was that I no longer experienced the state of boredom. I no longer feel bored because what could be more boring than sitting in silence for an hour?

Onward to the blankness of emotion - it is a centered state where your emotions are held in control, where they don't wildly jump up and down. To me, it provides me with an inner warmth and slight internal happiness that is difficult to break.

I believe meditation may be bringing you into states of increased inner-knowing and awareness where your 'insides' are more exposed and you are in a more vulnerable position. You are in the process of understanding and learning - and it will make you stronger. You will radiate more beauty and love in a comfortable and safe way.

A random question: What makes you really happy and joyful these days?
Do you love seeing your best friends and being happy with them?
Do you enjoy an inspirational movie or book?
Do you play in a team sport?

We are here to assist you and love you because ultimately, we are all family. Share your feelings with us and we'll be ready, waiting to listen.

[AdoptedOne]

Originally Posted by DeepGrowth

I can completely relate to your experience because it is something that has happened to me as a direct result of meditation. That is, my emotions seem more tuned out or reduced.

Onward to the blankness of emotion - it is a centered state where your emotions are held in control, where they don't wildly jump up and down. To me, it provides me with an inner warmth and slight internal happiness that is difficult to break.

This sounds similar to what I experience I would say it's a state of unflappability which is undoubtedly related to having a still/silenced mind. I have noticed others have made some comments about my state saying I'm placid, "so calm all the time" one guy said I was psychic. It certainly takes some getting used to because where as before I would think constantly hang onto my thoughts and feelings (live inside my head etc) now it's total the opposite in that that my mind silenced all the time, thoughts occasionally will come and go but naturally I don't really think about anything I find I rarely ever daydream anymore.

Originally Posted by DeepGrowth

A random question: What makes you really happy and joyful these days?
Do you love seeing your best friends and being happy with them?
Do you enjoy an inspirational movie or book?
Do you play in a team sport?

I can't honestly say most of the time I feel really happy but I rarely feel sadness or depression either. I find with this state of "emptiness" (no mind) comes indifference but not in an arrogant way. Since this shift of state of mind there is rarely any real ups or downs (unlike before).

Well I don't really have that many friends certainly not best friends. I find I do get on well with most people but I don't tend to get that close to them. Having said that I like doing social things with others who I really like and who like my company as well. I like spending time with my family and enjoying the moment.

I don't play sports no Why? Well partly because I haven't been that much into them but also as I have mild Dyspraxia it has often made playing sports more difficult. This was definitely the case growing up in school etc.

[ChrisGinsburg]

I would like to add that meditation is not just an overwhelmingly positive experience. Meditation will frequently dig up old thoughts and feelings we had long since suppressed. Kind of like kicking up mud on the bottom of a lake. Sometimes if we are not emotionally able to handle some of that repressed pain it can be blocked from entering our consciousness. We experience to a great degree only what we are able to currently handle. I think it is quite within the realm of possibility that some people step away from meditation feeling numb because a great amount of discomfort has been brought up that exists just below the surface. Until our subconscious is able to sort it out it's almost like you're on autopilot so you don't get too upset and it all comes surging up at once.

[josh123]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Hi everyone. I wanted to post something and I am hoping at least someone here can relate. Someone who knows what I have been experiening. It is frustrating that I find very few who seem to have this problem. Most signs point towards depression but it doesn't seem to feel like it. More profound emptyness and apathy if anything.

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor. I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first. However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

I have actually had much the same thing happen to me. I used to meditate everyday for a period of about several months. I used CDs that were supposed to dramatically quicken the rate that you achieve results.

Anyway, at first things seemed to be going great. It felt like I could watch my thoughts and control them better.

Therefore, I no longer had the negative thoughts I used to. If I did, I could catch them much faster.

This makes sense, since one of becoming more self aware-controlling your thoughts more. However, the next stage-realizing nothing has any meaning-was where I started to lose my feelings.

This is actually what’s supposed to happen. At first things are great because you start becoming aware of how your thoughts create reality. Then, you realize that reality doesn’t matter-it’s all how you perceive it.

It is pretty hard to feel joy if you know that nothing really means anything. I soon found that all the things I had wanted so badly… money, girlfriend, etc-really meant NOTHING.

It was funny, because the initial reason I had started meditating was so I could control my thoughts and get more positive outcomes. However, now I realized there was no such thing as positive outcomes.

This was pretty depressing, and it is at this point that I started losing my zeal for life. I really missed being able to feel joy when something good happened.

My experience was slightly different from yours, because I didn’t necessarily feel “detached from my thoughts”. It was more the knowledge that my thoughts didn’t really matter in the first place.

When you think about it, that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Since the goal of enlightenment is to realize that life has no meaning and that we are simply at one with everything, it is kind of hard to really feel any excitement or joy anymore. After all, you know you are just creating the feeling by attaching a false meaning to something.

The truth is, there really are three theories to the origins of the earth, and only one of them can give you meaning, and thus joy and excitement.

One is evolution, where the earth started with a big bang. In this case we only get one life, and then cease to exist. Spirituality of any sort does not exist.

Two, it happened because “god” or a ball of energy, created the earth and we are all a part of that energy. In this scenario, our ultimate goal is to realize we are actually “god” because we are a part of the energy source. Most people here seem to subscribe to that theory.

The last one is that there is a personal God who created this earth and put us here for a reason. That’s the only one that gives life any meaning.

If you really want your life to mean something, you have to believe in a personal God. Otherwise, you just have to attach a fake meaning to something to artificially give yourself joy and excitement.

Obviously I’m not suggesting you just blindly start believing in God to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning. I’m suggesting that you investigate whether God really exists.

I know I’m going to get tarred and feathered being one of the few Christians here, but my suggestion is to come to Jesus. That’s what I did, and I can honestly say I have never been happier-ever. He’s truly fixed my life.

I’m not going to go into the reasons I know believe in Him. However, I did thoroughly investigate it and come to that conclusion after intensely investigating the evidence.

In other words, I didn’t just believe in Him because I wanted Him to be true, or because I was afraid of Hell. I almost wanted Hell to be real, just so it would give life some sort of purpose.

The bottom line is, all I know is that Jesus changed my life. My life is now full of meaning, and I cannot describe to you the joy I get whenever I’m in His presence.

I firmly believe that accepting He is real and the only way to salvation is the only way you can ever feel joy or excitement again. I know He has changed my life.

[old dead wood]

I don't know anything. I agree with a lot of what this guy says:

Dangers of Meditation

Here's a group of "hardcore meditators" who seem to think the "dark nights" are inevitable and repeatable. Reading these posts makes me wonder if the "benefits" are worth the trouble:

www.dharmaoverground.org - Discussion

I guess I'll just stumble along as usual, beginning again every night.

[Illuminatus]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor.

Affirmations SUCK -- telling yourself a bunch of lies not even you believe. Better to work with reality instead of delusion.

Affirmation worldview: "I'm a dork I will tell myself I'm GREAT instead and hope I believe it"

Acceptance/equanimity worldview: "I'm a dork. So what? I'm going to do my thing and be a dork anyway! " (that makes you not a dork because you are accepting yourself and having fun with it, better known as being yourself, which is eminently more attractive to others than fakery).

I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

You gave yourself permission to feel good, then attributed feeling good to the affirmations. Giving yourself permission to feel good was the important factor however. Read this for more information: Feeling Good: Tying it all together

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first.

Permission to feel good again. I recommend ignoring kundalini and all that egoic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and instead just watching thoughts and emotions with non-judgment (the original Buddha meditation). I write more about this here, and I really think you should check it out as it seems relevant to what you're experiencing: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making

However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

I think you have been suppressing thoughts rather than allowing them to arise and seeing through them. This suppression does indeed leave you feeling cloudy and dead inside. I write about this here: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making (same link as I just posted)

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

This all sounds like suppression of thoughts and emotions. I think, like me, you misinterpreted the goal of meditation as being to walk around with no thoughts and emotions, as a blank slate really, and that is what you are now experiencing. And yes it is a dreary, self-imposed state to live in. The good news is that you can allow yourself to feel again by removing the suppression. The link again where I talk about this: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making

[taylor]

AdoptedOne, I went through and read your earlier posts and your new comments made more sense.

Could you describe how your inner voice death experience came to pass? Specifically what practice you were doing the moment it died.

And could you also explain what you identify with now? Because I think most of us identify with our minds, so if you don't have a chatter box, what are you identified with? I always assumed that if you quit thinking, you'd identify with the witness, but if that were the case you'd feel amazing, not numb.

[AdoptedOne]

Originally Posted by taylor

AdoptedOne, I went through and read your earlier posts and your new comments made more sense.

Could you describe how your inner voice death experience came to pass? Specifically what practice you were doing the moment it died.

And could you also explain what you identify with now? Because I think most of us identify with our minds, so if you don't have a chatter box, what are you identified with? I always assumed that if you quit thinking, you'd identify with the witness, but if that were the case you'd feel amazing, not numb.

Hi again thanks for your reply. Okay I try and explain this as best as I can I don't know If sound mad or what but I would like to clear some things up.

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

I am void of emotion or feelings unless something (an event or whatever) triggers some reaction in me. I know I probably don't make sense . Check out the 2 links below a member could "Numb" and a seperate article on "Loss of Affective ego" explain (quite close to what I am takling about here)

Here are the links:

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

[inri]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Hi again thanks for your reply. Okay I try and explain this as best as I can I don't know If sound mad or what but I would like to clear some things up.

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

I am void of emotion or feelings unless something (an event or whatever) triggers some reaction in me. I know I probably don't make sense . Check out the 2 links below a member could "Numb" and a seperate article on "Loss of Affective ego" explain (quite close to what I am takling about here)

Here are the links:

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

It sounds like you and "Darkly" are experiencing a similar thing. Have you checked out his thread? I can only imagine it would be helpful to discuss your state of being with someone going through the same.

What should I do ?

[taylor]

This sounds more like abnormal psychology to me which is out of my domain of expertise. Maybe a veteran meditation teacher or psychologist would know about this sort of thing.

All advice I could think of giving is only based on normal psychology. I'm not sure if you could use this dysfunction as a stepping stone to enlightenment (identity as witness), since addiction to thinking is the delay for most people. Or if you have to correct what went wrong somehow just to get yourself back to normal. If it's ruining your life, and it sounds like it is, consider seeking out a professional and see if they know what this is exactly.

[Pietko]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

Interesting... You went long way since your first post.

If something, for me the meditations seems to enhance my memories... I remembered things long forgotten...
Blank mind during meditations? Sure. But there is something else there... For me it seems like thoughts are transformed somehow... Maybe subconscious become conscious??? It is like blank mind filled with attention and emotions deep and very soothing(after their mollification), very quiet and neutral everything in peace. If there is will to reach solution of something during meditation, for example when there is inner contradiction or problem, it is active process but equally it is passive at the same time.
It is quite hard to describe state of meditation, even more so because english is not my mother language. But when I'm writing in english, I'm thinking in english... and my english is not very good... And even in my mother language I can describe what I live during meditation by allegories... and they may look like they are contradicting...

I'm daydreaming very often. Maybe it is not daydreaming like you were used to have, but I would call it daydreaming. If I have to do monotonous work, I could place my mind out of "reality" and go into "mindscape" to solve problems I often do retrospective, researching memories to relive some moments of my life to see, to observe causalities.

[AdoptedOne]

Well guys I guess I should accept this way of being and embrace it. Perhaps like taylor said I have reached a state of "Enlightenment" or something because essentially I can control my thinking (have thoughts or have none) and this is normal for me and has been for sometime. I have been in this state for well over a year now and I'm convinced my mind somehow changed since then and it hasn't gone back like before and I doubt it ever will. I use to have thoughts constantly all the time now it's the tota opposite complete stillness of my thinking and clear mind. What I don't understand though is the loss of affectively behind my thoughts I have when I talk to myself. Seriously I can talk bad about myself or try and build myself up (self esteem wise) through my self talk or affirmations but it does nothing it doesn't affect my emotions or mental state at all. Not anymore. It would be wrong to say I don't experience any emotions because I do but they're not as strong as before and they're short lived and to be honest I think at times I have to fake emotions especially when with my family at events or when working although despite the fact I get on well with just about everyone I sense others at work know something is "off" with me and on that note I think conversations are actually a bit more difficult with others because my mind is so still and silent naturally I don't have very much in mind to talk about if that makes sense. I can do small talk and have a hard time getting past that a lot of the time. The noise and chatter of mind stopped sometime ago. I don't know if my family have noticed a change probably not because they always knew I was quiet and placid often I have been described before as having "Autistic tendencies".

Anyway I don't see much point questioning this anymore, I guess with this permamant inner peace (still mind) I have somehow attainted (probably through meditation) comes a loss of emotion to a degree but I will try and enjoy life and constant mental peace and calm of my mind.

[marinaRedhead]

Hey adopted one...I came across ur posts through a google search and I decided to join this forum just so I could say one thing.

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW U FEEL....because I feel exactly the same! Only difference is I have never meditated. I tried sending u a personal mgs but being new to this forum I didn't know how to...I'm not a great help because I haven't found a cure but I thought it might be nice to know ur not alone! Feel free to send me an email or wateva...

Marina