I think meditation has left me emotionally blank

[Jaiysun4]

Firstly I would like to say that Horizons first post is excellent.

In reply to the above person, I would say that meditation should be the opposite of self-analysis, in the sense of witnessing and judging parts of oneself, analysing them, creating attachments to them (the thoughts and feelings as they arise).

When you meditate it is important to distinguish between this, and the process of simply letting things come into your mind, and swell up, without attaching to them in any way. This way you are reducing your emotional attachments to memories. Of course, many thoughts are negative and therefore you are helping yourself. But the process of reducing attachment to positive memories aswell, will reduce the intensity of those feelings.

Chris Ginsburg has it spot on when he comments that this can lead to a numb feeling, as you realise that all that comes into your mind can be witnessed, creating a barrier between the witnessing and your thoughts and emotions, the witnessed.

This may be a big problem and it is something to be rectified.

For me, the point of meditation is to become less self-conscious and NOT more. The idea of "being in the now" refers to trusting all the emotions and thoughts and feelings that come into your consciousness, and being able to act on them, safe in the comfort that you are operating from a compassionate, humane and intelligent position. This is the trust that comes from purifying your moral outlook through the use of meditation and self-development.

The point of meditation is to remove the critical monkey, not to become a permanent critical monkey witnessing yourself live your life! It is a subtle but important difference.

I would suggest that when not meditating you forget all about the meditative state. Or at least try and focus 100% on what it is you are doing, and NOT the experience of doing it. This is for me, one of the major goals of meditation (and i say it again) - being completely absorbed in experience and having no self-consciousness at all.

So basically, i would recommend absorbing your mind in things and taking a massive chill pill. When you meditate, focus on relaxing your body or your breath, and not your thoughts and emotions. Just allow the thoughts and emotions to rise but don't judge them, go back to the focus on the body/breath each time. It will feel like you are cleansing your mind and you should feel sharper and more alert and more in tune with yourself, not less.

Hope this helps!

And yeh, go out, have fun, and try focusing on things, anything, other than your self - that picture of yourself you have painted that is negative. You have turned meditation into a massive analysis of yourself, rather than allowing the spontaneous ebb and flow of your consciousness to be trusted and connected with (in my opinion).

It is good to feel, crucial to feel and be passionate. The point of meditation is to reduce the negative emotions and allow yourself to act rationally despite of them, whilst at the same time increasing positive emotions and allowing you to relax and revel in them.

[AdoptedOne]

Hi again and thanks for everyone sharing their thoughts on the topic. Well I don't really know what more I can say on this, the blank, numb feeling persists everyday. I know something is wrong when I have no internal reaction to most situations like I once did. For example when my Grandad died recently I felt nothing not even at the funeral, if an attractive woman takes a liking to me and smiles at me again I feel nothing inside. It just seems like I am going through the motions everyday in pretty much all situations of course I can fake being interested in others and the way I react but there is no feeling behind this. If you can believe this I often go for hours at a time even when working with no thoughts at all, a blank mind I don't seem to be able to feel a lot of the emotions I once could or did like jealously, envy, joy, excitement, empathy sadness etc. Unless I force myself to think I have a blank mind, absent of thought. Perhaps I shutdown my "inner chatter" whatever term you want to call it and this has taken an effect on my emotions somehow.

I think I have a lot of less self consciousness as well now that another poster brought it up, people can't really affect my state like before I can be totally calm in most situations so therefore In a way I am more confident because there isn't much internal doubt. It does seem like I am mostly watching the thoughts I have which is less than before I know this sounds strange but I can keeping consciouslly telling myself how great I am or even the opposite how much of a loser I am etc and it doesn't affect me or state emotionally and even If I did feel something it is always short lived. My default state, emotional state seems to be apathy, neutral, indifference.

Now I am really religous at all but this article does explain well about this blank, numb state of mind "Loss of the affective ego"

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

Again I want to stress this state of mind what I have been experiencing what I continue to experience is not depression because I have I been in that dark place before. There is feeling numb because you want to try and block out your "pain" from depression and there is being numb because there is nothing to feel if that makes sense.

[Orca]

Hi AdoptedOne,

I don't know if this will help at all, but I thought I'd offer it. I've seen this happen one time before. It was as if somehow the person's etheric body got stuck outside their physical body and could not make it back in, for whatever reason. It was like it had gone so far out into the ethers that it had gotten a bit lost or something. It was like key looking for the keyhole. The person was rather blank, almost like emotionless. It took some shamanic work to go out and retrieve this part of them. And then the person was ok again. Literally, the blood started to animate again.

Perhaps that might help you. It's a different approach, I know. But it seems that if you could have found a way back into yourself via centering or doing stuff or exercises by yourself, you would have already. So maybe it is time to consider some extra support to help you?

Hope this helps.

Kind Regards,

Orca

[spacecadetglow]

I suggest prayer. Not kidding.

[josh123]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Hi everyone. I wanted to post something and I am hoping at least someone here can relate. Someone who knows what I have been experiening. It is frustrating that I find very few who seem to have this problem. Most signs point towards depression but it doesn't seem to feel like it. More profound emptyness and apathy if anything.

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor. I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first. However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

I have actually had much the same thing happen to me. I used to meditate everyday for a period of about several months. I used CDs that were supposed to dramatically quicken the rate that you achieve results.

Anyway, at first things seemed to be going great. It felt like I could watch my thoughts and control them better.

Therefore, I no longer had the negative thoughts I used to. If I did, I could catch them much faster.

This makes sense, since one of becoming more self aware-controlling your thoughts more. However, the next stage-realizing nothing has any meaning-was where I started to lose my feelings.

This is actually what’s supposed to happen. At first things are great because you start becoming aware of how your thoughts create reality. Then, you realize that reality doesn’t matter-it’s all how you perceive it.

It is pretty hard to feel joy if you know that nothing really means anything. I soon found that all the things I had wanted so badly… money, girlfriend, etc-really meant NOTHING.

It was funny, because the initial reason I had started meditating was so I could control my thoughts and get more positive outcomes. However, now I realized there was no such thing as positive outcomes.

This was pretty depressing, and it is at this point that I started losing my zeal for life. I really missed being able to feel joy when something good happened.

My experience was slightly different from yours, because I didn’t necessarily feel “detached from my thoughts”. It was more the knowledge that my thoughts didn’t really matter in the first place.

When you think about it, that is exactly what is supposed to happen. Since the goal of enlightenment is to realize that life has no meaning and that we are simply at one with everything, it is kind of hard to really feel any excitement or joy anymore. After all, you know you are just creating the feeling by attaching a false meaning to something.

The truth is, there really are three theories to the origins of the earth, and only one of them can give you meaning, and thus joy and excitement.

One is evolution, where the earth started with a big bang. In this case we only get one life, and then cease to exist. Spirituality of any sort does not exist.

Two, it happened because “god” or a ball of energy, created the earth and we are all a part of that energy. In this scenario, our ultimate goal is to realize we are actually “god” because we are a part of the energy source. Most people here seem to subscribe to that theory.

The last one is that there is a personal God who created this earth and put us here for a reason. That’s the only one that gives life any meaning.

If you really want your life to mean something, you have to believe in a personal God. Otherwise, you just have to attach a fake meaning to something to artificially give yourself joy and excitement.

Obviously I’m not suggesting you just blindly start believing in God to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning. I’m suggesting that you investigate whether God really exists.

I know I’m going to get tarred and feathered being one of the few Christians here, but my suggestion is to come to Jesus. That’s what I did, and I can honestly say I have never been happier-ever. He’s truly fixed my life.

I’m not going to go into the reasons I know believe in Him. However, I did thoroughly investigate it and come to that conclusion after intensely investigating the evidence.

In other words, I didn’t just believe in Him because I wanted Him to be true, or because I was afraid of Hell. I almost wanted Hell to be real, just so it would give life some sort of purpose.

The bottom line is, all I know is that Jesus changed my life. My life is now full of meaning, and I cannot describe to you the joy I get whenever I’m in His presence.

I firmly believe that accepting He is real and the only way to salvation is the only way you can ever feel joy or excitement again. I know He has changed my life.

[BeyondtheWrap]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

I have been like this already for almost a year. I haven't done any sort of meditation since nearly a year ago.

Since you haven't been meditating regularly, I don't think that is the cause of this. I know you consider yourself to have changed a lot from this, but maybe you just were never much of a feeling person to begin with?

Or maybe something else happened about a year ago that you've been running from and that made you numb.

I'm just speculating.

[legendarymidget]

What type of meditation were you doing? Focal, void etc.

[theuprising]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheWrap

Since you haven't been meditating regularly, I don't think that is the cause of this. I know you consider yourself to have changed a lot from this, but maybe you just were never much of a feeling person to begin with?

Or maybe something else happened about a year ago that you've been running from and that made you numb.

I'm just speculating.

yup, this stage happens to me after meditation and its really cool since I am "of this world but not in it". Its not a final stage by any means, the final stage is being detatched, but also in this world at the same time, like Deida says, in the room yet outside of it. Letting go of your ego fully so you can experience unlimited happiness and love in the present.

But it shouldn't happen after a year, the stage goes away when I get caught up in something and my old ego takes over, if this isn't happening to you, either you have ascended to a new state or something is chemically wrong with you, and if I were you I would get myself checked out by a psychologist

[AdoptedOne]

Originally Posted by theuprising

yup, this stage happens to me after meditation and its really cool since I am "of this world but not in it". Its not a final stage by any means, the final stage is being detatched, but also in this world at the same time, like Deida says, in the room yet outside of it. Letting go of your ego fully so you can experience unlimited happiness and love in the present.

But it shouldn't happen after a year, the stage goes away when I get caught up in something and my old ego takes over, if this isn't happening to you, either you have ascended to a new state or something is chemically wrong with you, and if I were you I would get myself checked out by a psychologist

Now you have brought this up about the "new state" of mind one time a man pointed out I was quiet (this was in a bar) okay this isn't anything new and he said about me being psychic. What do you think he meant by this? Do you think he may of been hinting about me being involved in Spirituality?

My mind feels numb like I have said in an emotional sense I remember I had thoughts all the time whether I wanted to or not I find it disturbing that my thoughts (when I force myself to think about things) don't leave any real affect on me like I have said previously I can't feel normal emotions, the normal range of emotions I once could feel I don't experience anymore. The question is why?

A lack of soul describes it well when I listen to music it barely effects me, it doesn't uplift my spirits, seeing a hot woman doesn't produce any "attraction" or "fireworks" feelings inside me either, I can't even feel anything at a family member's funeral. Yet if you saw me I probably appear fine, smiling etc however I know how to react to situations but like I said there is no feeling there.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps my mind evolved and as a result I have lost my ability to feel things.

[Kishka]

Sounds to me like you have connected to Source in a more lasting way, through your meditation practice. What you describe is what other enlightened persons feel. Here is a link to the book 'All That Is'. Peruse at your leisure:

Preview of the famous book - I am That - by Nisargadatta Maharaj

[wstein]

Originally Posted by Jaiysun4

The idea of "being in the now" refers to trusting all the emotions and thoughts and feelings that come into your consciousness, and being able to act on them, safe in the comfort that you are operating from a compassionate, humane and intelligent position. This is the trust that comes from purifying your moral outlook through the use of meditation and self-development.

My understanding of being in the 'now' is very different than this.

Being in the now is actually much like meditating. Instead of merely watching thoughts, when being in the now you are merely watching [all]. You will find that you take action, witness this in the same way you would thoughts in meditation. The emotions, thoughts, and feelings may be there or not. Trust is not involved, you are merely allowing your authentic self to respond to (act on) events when they actually occur without all the externally generated stuff getting in the way.

[old dead wood]

I don't know anything. I agree with a lot of what this guy says:

Dangers of Meditation

Here's a group of "hardcore meditators" who seem to think the "dark nights" are inevitable and repeatable. Reading these posts makes me wonder if the "benefits" are worth the trouble:

www.dharmaoverground.org - Discussion

I guess I'll just stumble along as usual, beginning again every night.

[Anagogy]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Now you have brought this up about the "new state" of mind one time a man pointed out I was quiet (this was in a bar) okay this isn't anything new and he said about me being psychic. What do you think he meant by this? Do you think he may of been hinting about me being involved in Spirituality?

My mind feels numb like I have said in an emotional sense I remember I had thoughts all the time whether I wanted to or not I find it disturbing that my thoughts (when I force myself to think about things) don't leave any real affect on me like I have said previously I can't feel normal emotions, the normal range of emotions I once could feel I don't experience anymore. The question is why?

A lack of soul describes it well when I listen to music it barely effects me, it doesn't uplift my spirits, seeing a hot woman doesn't produce any "attraction" or "fireworks" feelings inside me either, I can't even feel anything at a family member's funeral. Yet if you saw me I probably appear fine, smiling etc however I know how to react to situations but like I said there is no feeling there.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I really don't know what to do anymore. Perhaps my mind evolved and as a result I have lost my ability to feel things.

I think that this numb emotionless state you are experiencing is the result of accidental self programming. I think your meditation practice, whatever it consisted of, resulted in more than just detachment from the miasma of illusion, which, in my opinion, is the greatest benefit of meditation.

From my perspective, the goal of meditation is to open oneself to be a more receptive channel for the life force of the universe. Initially, this does involve detachment from our regular patterns of thought and behavior, but this detachment is really just the separation from distortions in consciousness, and when we detach ourselves from these distortions, we conversely become more attached to the real world (the reality devoid of distortions). In effect, we become more connected to the oneness of life. In other-words, you gain a greater capacity to appreciate a higher intensity of life-energy.

I bring this up because my experience has been that detachment is not the goal of meditation but rather the means to a more genuine connection. And it is also my experience that when you actually do release distortions in consciousness you feel more life force flowing through you, not less. And I must say that the feeling of LIFE flowing through you is *NOT* (cannot stress this enough) a cold, sterile, thoughtless, emotionless state of existence. In fact, it is QUITE the opposite. You feel passion, enthusiasm, you literally bask in the sublime experience of ALL things, and you see the goodness and deliciousness and appropriateness of all things you encounter. You don't exist in a neutral state that is neither good or bad, but rather, you recognize that "negativity" is simply resistance to what is. The default state of things is pure, positive energy. The realization of non-duality is rooted in the understanding that the darkness was a lie. There is no opposite to existence, just resistance to the flow of awareness or allowance of the flow of consciousness. One results in the illusion of disconnection, and the other results in the unimpeded flow of life energy.

You feel creative energy flowing through you when you open your consciousness to this. It feels almost sexual in nature (sexual pleasure itself being a lower level reflection of the state of being we all continually exist in but is hidden from our conscious minds by our egoic concerns). It is libidinous energy -- sometimes called the kundalini. The removal of illusions/knots in energy result in the unimpeded flow such energy.

I'm not sure how to help you except to echo the words of Joseph Campbell and say "follow your bliss". Find the closest thing to passion to you in this moment and keep looking for it and encouraging it. Eventually, you will train yourself out of this pattern of numbness you are presently experiencing.

[AdoptedOne]

Hi again sorry to dig up this old topic but I think I may go crazy if I don't express my thoughts. (Perhaps I am a bit crazy) What I talked about before, 7 months or so ago and still I feel the same and sense this "blank" dullness of my mind. I have tried and continue to try different things like eat better, exercisng, lifting weights be more social etc. Still the same. The good news is that I have been able to somehwhat feel at times but it's still odd and I don't understand it. For example If I feel anxiety I will feel the nervous energy in my body or embarrasement yet there are still no thoughts in my mind. It seems now any feeling I experience is the result of external factors that are outside of myself (my mind). Does this make sense? The best way I can explain this is that any thoughts I have seem like they have no substance compared to before, my thoughts don't create feelings or emotions which is why I don't seem to be able to feel much emotions anymore. It like the affective energy through my thinking has died or something. I have looked into depression, chemical inbalances, mental disorders etc and I don't identitfy with most of the symptoms. Something is off I can't understand what honestly I haven't been able to feel much strong feelings or emotion for over a year now.

Perhaps I did meditation wrong or maybe I went to deep into it? Resulting in my mind becoming forever still?

Here is website with other members who claim they are going through the same thing and yes I am the poster "Calm" on the website.

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

[Anagogy]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Hi again sorry to dig up this old topic but I think I may go crazy if I don't express my thoughts. (Perhaps I am a bit crazy) What I talked about before, 7 months or so ago and still I feel the same and sense this "blank" dullness of my mind. I have tried and continue to try different things like eat better, exercisng, lifting weights be more social etc. Still the same. The good news is that I have been able to somehwhat feel at times but it's still odd and I don't understand it. For example If I feel anxiety I will feel the nervous energy in my body or embarrasement yet there are still no thoughts in my mind. It seems now any feeling I experience is the result of external factors that are outside of myself (my mind). Does this make sense? The best way I can explain this is that any thoughts I have seem like they have no substance compared to before, my thoughts don't create feelings or emotions which is why I don't seem to be able to feel much emotions anymore. It like the affective energy through my thinking has died or something. I have looked into depression, chemical inbalances, mental disorders etc and I don't identitfy with most of the symptoms. Something is off I can't understand what honestly I haven't been able to feel much strong feelings or emotion for over a year now.

Perhaps I did meditation wrong or maybe I went to deep into it? Resulting in my mind becoming forever still?

Here is website with other members who claim they are going through the same thing and yes I am the poster "Calm" on the website.

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Are you still meditating?

[taylor]

Have you tried dancing around wildly while smiling and loudly laughing maniacally for at least 30 seconds? If it feels awkward that means you were resisting high energy emotional expression and probably needed it. I do over-the-top exercises like that from time to time just to get myself unstifled or else I find it a little difficult to be expressive after meditating because I'm just so calm that I don't feel like speaking. I think what happens is that if you meditate regularly you can get addicted to being calm and that can lead to suppressing emotions.

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

For example If I feel anxiety I will feel the nervous energy in my body or embarrasement yet there are still no thoughts in my mind.[/url]

I was sitting there in Toastmasters waiting for my turn to speak off the top of my head. I'm new and still get nervous doing extemporaneous public speaking. I was just feeling the nervous sensations in my body and wondering why I felt nervous since I wasn't really thinking.

I thought my mind was blank, but actually what preceded me feeling that way was a lot of thoughts and beliefs. Basically I noticed that I have a fear of humiliation and a desire for others to accept me. Even though I'm not thinking thoughts right at the moment I'm feeling nervous, I was thinking thoughts leading up to that, and my perception of the moment is based on those thoughts and beliefs. Those thoughts reinforce an anxiety causing perception which my body reacts to. So you might examine if you were thinking thoughts prior to that moment you felt anxious, or if you have a belief about something that your body is reacting to based on memory. Either will elicit emotional responses from the body.

[AdoptedOne]

Hi again guys no I haven't meditated in a longtime, I don't meditate anymore not for at least a year or so. Call me crazy but I swear I only have conscious thoughts now I know something is off because I can't seem to experience emotions (especially strong ones) in any real depth or with feeling anymore. I don't feel I am really suppressing my emotions to be honest I don't seem to experience them much period in the first place so the way I see it there isn't much emotion to suppress. I'm not joking when I say I often work wihtout thinking anything or feeling much in terms of thoughts through out the day it's the strangest thing and this is and has be my reality for sometime. Although I can feel some emotion say if I watch a good comedy or I am having fun with other people but outside of that and basically when I am alone I feel blank inside, in my mind, placid etc. I have had depression before (mild) and this isn't depression becasue for one I don't feel "down" or "sad" I'm actually quite optimistic most of the time this is something different althogther. Again call me crazy but perhaps through doing medtation before I quiet my mind so much that it just became permanant to have a still mind which somehow resutled in experiencing less emotion.

Probably one of the most frustrating things is I can't seem to find many people (if anyone) who has experienced the samething which then makes me believe either It's all my head (paranoid) but I know how things were before and being void of much emotion 99% of the time isn't normal. Or I maybe developing or have some minor mental disorder or something and is undiagnosed.

I think all this started to happen when my "inner voice" (monkey mind) stopped (probably thought meditating) and died and I have been left with only conscious thoughts since. There used to be part of my mind that would think non stop I couldn't control the thoughts then they kind of stopped, resulting in a still mind with reduced mental affectivety. What little thoughts or thinking I do through out the day now does not affect me in terms of emotion. Thoughts create emotions right? Well they don't for me anymore. What do you guys think I am crazy? Could I have some mnor brain damage?

[Illuminatus]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

I will try and keep things short. Basically in the last few years I got into self improvement just basic affirmations at first mainly to combat my low self esteem and self image which were poor.

Affirmations SUCK -- telling yourself a bunch of lies not even you believe. Better to work with reality instead of delusion.

Affirmation worldview: "I'm a dork I will tell myself I'm GREAT instead and hope I believe it"

Acceptance/equanimity worldview: "I'm a dork. So what? I'm going to do my thing and be a dork anyway! " (that makes you not a dork because you are accepting yourself and having fun with it, better known as being yourself, which is eminently more attractive to others than fakery).

I started to notice after a while I really did start feeling great and more alive and I was even finding women flirting with me and hitting on me for no apparent reason which never used to happen previously I became more sociable etc.

You gave yourself permission to feel good, then attributed feeling good to the affirmations. Giving yourself permission to feel good was the important factor however. Read this for more information: Feeling Good: Tying it all together

However for some reason I started to delve into Spirtuality and meditation at first it was just Hypnosis MP3's on my Ipod which put me into a meditation state. Then I started trying basic meditation while listening to music. I remember feeling very overwelmed with emotion listening to a certain song and I felt a very brief feeling of energy shoot up my back. It felt odd to say the least. I don't really believe in a lot of this New Age stuff but apparently it may of been Kundalini energy I felt. At this time I started to notice I was much clearer in my mind and I felt great at first.

Permission to feel good again. I recommend ignoring kundalini and all that egoic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and instead just watching thoughts and emotions with non-judgment (the original Buddha meditation). I write more about this here, and I really think you should check it out as it seems relevant to what you're experiencing: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making

However I don't know when I noticed it but it was becoming apparent over time that I had a feeling of emptyness in me emotionally I felt detached from my thinking and thoughts It felt hard to feel much emotion at all. I later heard of Eckhart Tolle and it freaked me out from listening to his material that I may of put myself in a permanent "being" or "now" state of pure prescence. I feel like I am not 100% with it most of the time during the day. Almost like I am walking around in a daze with no thoughts. It's like my thoughts have lost their substance. Even If I do think it's hard to daydream anymore (I honestly can't remember the last time I had a daydream) and when I do have thoughts I just feel blank emotionally. Whether I think something positive or negative this seems to have no real affect on my state emotionally. Why? I don't know but it really concerns me and I doubt I have slowly turned into a Psychopath.

I think you have been suppressing thoughts rather than allowing them to arise and seeing through them. This suppression does indeed leave you feeling cloudy and dead inside. I write about this here: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making (same link as I just posted)

This is becoming a frustrating state to be in and I feel "stuck" like this one theory I have is perhaps I accidentely put myself in a Hypnosis state and my conscious mind slowed down/ feel asleep. I have been considering suicide because I feel so numb, dull and blank emotionally. Trust me this isn't depression I have been in that state before this is something else entirely. I am finding it very difficult to relate to others socially more than before because of being so numb and most of the time I feel at a loss of what to say to people. I seem incapable of feeling the emotions I once could such as anger, joy, excitement (which I miss the most), jeasously, depression etc. The only emotion I seem to really feel theese days is laughter. Okay at times my mind drove me mad and sometimes the negative thoughts made me miserable but now I feel so blank it's scary I barely feel human anymore if this is "Enlightenment" I don't want it I would rather be dead. What is the point of even continuing to live If I can no longer seem to really feel anything?

Has anyone, anyone at all been through this?

Thanks

This all sounds like suppression of thoughts and emotions. I think, like me, you misinterpreted the goal of meditation as being to walk around with no thoughts and emotions, as a blank slate really, and that is what you are now experiencing. And yes it is a dreary, self-imposed state to live in. The good news is that you can allow yourself to feel again by removing the suppression. The link again where I talk about this: Two enormous meditation mistakes I had been making

[taylor]

AdoptedOne, I went through and read your earlier posts and your new comments made more sense.

Could you describe how your inner voice death experience came to pass? Specifically what practice you were doing the moment it died.

And could you also explain what you identify with now? Because I think most of us identify with our minds, so if you don't have a chatter box, what are you identified with? I always assumed that if you quit thinking, you'd identify with the witness, but if that were the case you'd feel amazing, not numb.

[AdoptedOne]

Originally Posted by taylor

AdoptedOne, I went through and read your earlier posts and your new comments made more sense.

Could you describe how your inner voice death experience came to pass? Specifically what practice you were doing the moment it died.

And could you also explain what you identify with now? Because I think most of us identify with our minds, so if you don't have a chatter box, what are you identified with? I always assumed that if you quit thinking, you'd identify with the witness, but if that were the case you'd feel amazing, not numb.

Hi again thanks for your reply. Okay I try and explain this as best as I can I don't know If sound mad or what but I would like to clear some things up.

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

I am void of emotion or feelings unless something (an event or whatever) triggers some reaction in me. I know I probably don't make sense . Check out the 2 links below a member could "Numb" and a seperate article on "Loss of Affective ego" explain (quite close to what I am takling about here)

Here are the links:

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

[inri]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Hi again thanks for your reply. Okay I try and explain this as best as I can I don't know If sound mad or what but I would like to clear some things up.

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

I am void of emotion or feelings unless something (an event or whatever) triggers some reaction in me. I know I probably don't make sense . Check out the 2 links below a member could "Numb" and a seperate article on "Loss of Affective ego" explain (quite close to what I am takling about here)

Here are the links:

Is meditation about making your mind go blank? | Wildmind Buddhist Meditation

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

It sounds like you and "Darkly" are experiencing a similar thing. Have you checked out his thread? I can only imagine it would be helpful to discuss your state of being with someone going through the same.

What should I do ?

[taylor]

This sounds more like abnormal psychology to me which is out of my domain of expertise. Maybe a veteran meditation teacher or psychologist would know about this sort of thing.

All advice I could think of giving is only based on normal psychology. I'm not sure if you could use this dysfunction as a stepping stone to enlightenment (identity as witness), since addiction to thinking is the delay for most people. Or if you have to correct what went wrong somehow just to get yourself back to normal. If it's ruining your life, and it sounds like it is, consider seeking out a professional and see if they know what this is exactly.

[Pietko]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

Basically (from my understanding) we have 2 thinking processes right? The subconscious which I believe is what is responisble for all the automatic thoughts (which we can't control) and thinking that goes on with the "inner voice" etc. Then we have the Conscious mind where obviously we are consciously in control of our thinking. I believe somehow I stopped or shutdown my subconscious thought process (some kind of "ego death"?) and since then I only have Conscious thoughts. For example I used to do affirmations and believe in that junk but anyway I would tell myself on a daily basis how confident and attractive I was and of course a voice in my head automatically said "yeah right". "you're a loser" etc even If I consciously said these things in my mind that "inner critic" would put me down and I couldn't control those thoughts. However I think I shutdown part of my mind which may explain why my conscious thoughts don't affect my mental or emotion state. I mean am crazy? Hopefully not.

Other things I have noticed is a poor recall of my past, my memories etc of myself and my family. (which are linked to the subconscious)

Blank mind

I rarely ever daydream anymore.

I have no automatic thoughts when talking to anyone before or after.

No real ups or downs anymore, I experience indifference, feel neutral to most of the time. I can react to certain stimuli and situations and experience some emotion (but again not through my thinkning or mind). Like I will laugh watching a good comedy, hearing a good joke etc. After though it's like nothing happended I am in a constant state of contentness and numbness.

Interesting... You went long way since your first post.

If something, for me the meditations seems to enhance my memories... I remembered things long forgotten...
Blank mind during meditations? Sure. But there is something else there... For me it seems like thoughts are transformed somehow... Maybe subconscious become conscious??? It is like blank mind filled with attention and emotions deep and very soothing(after their mollification), very quiet and neutral everything in peace. If there is will to reach solution of something during meditation, for example when there is inner contradiction or problem, it is active process but equally it is passive at the same time.
It is quite hard to describe state of meditation, even more so because english is not my mother language. But when I'm writing in english, I'm thinking in english... and my english is not very good... And even in my mother language I can describe what I live during meditation by allegories... and they may look like they are contradicting...

I'm daydreaming very often. Maybe it is not daydreaming like you were used to have, but I would call it daydreaming. If I have to do monotonous work, I could place my mind out of "reality" and go into "mindscape" to solve problems I often do retrospective, researching memories to relive some moments of my life to see, to observe causalities.

[AdoptedOne]

Well guys I guess I should accept this way of being and embrace it. Perhaps like taylor said I have reached a state of "Enlightenment" or something because essentially I can control my thinking (have thoughts or have none) and this is normal for me and has been for sometime. I have been in this state for well over a year now and I'm convinced my mind somehow changed since then and it hasn't gone back like before and I doubt it ever will. I use to have thoughts constantly all the time now it's the tota opposite complete stillness of my thinking and clear mind. What I don't understand though is the loss of affectively behind my thoughts I have when I talk to myself. Seriously I can talk bad about myself or try and build myself up (self esteem wise) through my self talk or affirmations but it does nothing it doesn't affect my emotions or mental state at all. Not anymore. It would be wrong to say I don't experience any emotions because I do but they're not as strong as before and they're short lived and to be honest I think at times I have to fake emotions especially when with my family at events or when working although despite the fact I get on well with just about everyone I sense others at work know something is "off" with me and on that note I think conversations are actually a bit more difficult with others because my mind is so still and silent naturally I don't have very much in mind to talk about if that makes sense. I can do small talk and have a hard time getting past that a lot of the time. The noise and chatter of mind stopped sometime ago. I don't know if my family have noticed a change probably not because they always knew I was quiet and placid often I have been described before as having "Autistic tendencies".

Anyway I don't see much point questioning this anymore, I guess with this permamant inner peace (still mind) I have somehow attainted (probably through meditation) comes a loss of emotion to a degree but I will try and enjoy life and constant mental peace and calm of my mind.

[SethWilliams]

People, people.

You havent lost emotion. Your human. Emotions are always a part of you. You've just stoppped being emotionally re-active. You now have the choice to feel any emotion you want at any time, instead of automatically feeling emotions in response to your outer world.

You cant lose them. You've just... changed relationship with them.

[AdoptedOne]

You're right I do experience emotions but not so much through my thinking and thoughts anymore. I can think "good" or "bad" thoughts and I feel nothing about them. There is no emotion behind my thinking anymore. No matter how much I want to feel my thoughts I can't the affective energy behind my thinking is gone it just isn't there anymore like it used to be. Before this change or "Enlightened state". I know it might seem impossible for some but I often have no thoughts what so ever during the day even working 8 hours a day I have little to no thoughts at all and not really feeling anything either. It's not something I can really show anyone though but trust me that's how things are.

[SethWilliams]

Originally Posted by AdoptedOne

You're right I do experience emotions but not so much through my thinking and thoughts anymore. I can think "good" or "bad" thoughts and I feel nothing about them. There is no emotion behind my thinking anymore. No matter how much I want to feel my thoughts I can't the affective energy behind my thinking is gone it just isn't there anymore like it used to be. Before this change or "Enlightened state". I know it might seem impossible for some but I often have no thoughts what so ever during the day even working 8 hours a day I have little to no thoughts at all and not really feeling anything either. It's not something I can really show anyone though but trust me that's how things are.

What your saying is, your throughts are not wild horses running aimlessly.

You dont automatically think something, you have to choose to think something?

See, what you've done is put your mind in safe mode, for lack of a better term. You have control now. You should be able to concentrate on something for a long amount of time, no?

[AdoptedOne]

I guess when someone can control their thoughts they essentially control their emotions? I didn't intend to get into this state though but I guess I did through meditation. I remember before I had thoughts constantly and often over analysed everything I lived in my mind and my thoughts gave me a lot of emotional ups and downs. Now it's the complete opposite I feel nothing most of the time certainly not in any real depth compared to before (I suppose their is the "inner peace" quietiness of my mind but it still has no real feeling to me. I don't have much thought (deep thought especially) about anything. Yes my concentration has become really good and sharp now and I used to have ADD like traits before this "change"

Here is a good article baed on the "loss of affective ego" explaining this state I have been talking about in more detail (apart from some of the weird passages in the text) it sums up well and close to what I am talking about. Notice how the person in the article says they have been in this state for over 20 years or something! So it seems like this shift in "Higher consciouness" is permamant.

Is it Depression, or is it the Loss of the Affective Ego?

[SethWilliams]

Yes, see this state has a usage. When a spiritual practicioner is looking to expand there creative ability, they need to stop re-acting emotionaly to there outside world.

This is what meditation is for.

The practioner now, has to find a way to go into themselves, and learn to summon emotion and command and use it in there ritual and practise to create in there world.

Instead of emotionally reacting, you can with practise feel something on command.

The three great powers, love, trust and gratitude. If you can learn to summon these emotions, or powers, you are a force to be reckoned with. But the requisite mental work has to be done first, with meditations and what not to just get the mental silence to focus on them and learn to feel and summon at will.

[taylor]

I know what I'd do without compulsive thinking. I'd go for full Buddha-hood baby.

Awareness Watching Awareness - Practice Instructions

Really, it's like you've eliminated the main hurdle and are so close, but still don't identify with awareness-bliss-love. But I'm afraid to even suggest a practice if it might cause further problems, because I don't know your situation since you have a different psychology than most. I feel like you're in a unique position which could really work in your favor if you wanted enlightenment/bliss, but not without an element of risk since we can't be sure how it would work in your particular case.

I hope it all works out for the best. It's quite interesting to hear about from my end anyway and I appreciate you posting your experiences.