spirituality and suppression + emotional ownership thread

[rei]

The Western culture already promotes emotional suppression, depending on which other sociocultural factors are at play.

I have also noticed a trend in the spiritual (maybe or maybe not also religious) circles. Suppression through spirituality. Be the calm. Watch your thoughts float like clouds. Oh! Here is an unexpected event or change that would stress a normie - but look at me so calm in the face of it. I must be a guru. I must have flung off the traps of ego. (Oh, really.)

I think this can be almost dangerous. Feelings are there to be felt. I admit I am not at 100% success here but I've grown in leaps and bounds and continue to grow in my ability to express what I feel instead of stuffing it and then framing the stuffing as some kind of sign of spiritual advancement or a level of consciousness.

I wanted to start this up as a discussion of emotional suppression in spiritually-minded circles. What are your experiences?

AND I would like to set this up as a safe space for emotional outpourings.

Here's the rules for this part, and we can add other rules if you all think there's anything important to add.
~ *No advice* unless the poster specifically requests it.
~ Sympathy or empathetic response to other posters is completely allowed here.
~ Invalidation is super off-limits. That includes responses like, "Oh don't feel sad!" "Cheer up!" "Think of the people who are worse off than you!" And all forms of minimizing the other's experience.
~ Pity and condescension aren't allowed either.
~ However, those who are on a cycle of complaining and venting about a specific situation without doing anything to shift the situation... probably are better off starting a separate thread.
~ Males are strongly encouraged to participate if you feel an inner drive to do so. Personally, I have mad respect for emotionally intelligent males, so owning and expressing in an emotive way... I call that sexy.


If the idea here sounds right to you but you're not sure about posting, I encourage you to get a nice journal or notebook and do this privately.

The idea is to create the spirit of encouraging, allowing, opening to our emotional beingness. So much of spiritual experience is tied up in emotion, in fact, especially if you ascribe to an integral or new age approach to such things. I'm not sure the Buddha is really anti-emotion either, you can learn more about where your attachment lies if you notice the feeling. I'm not sure the Buddha recommends suppression... I think the calm placid pool is more a place you can reach after you clean your emotive house by feeling what's there waiting to be felt.

And is this a pd-friendly endeavor? Indubitably. It is a way to address the emotional suppression that has taken so much of Western culture and is often a huge trap for the spiritually-minded. If someone has a goal of cleaning up their vibration or inner landscape, engaging in this exercise is a way to work toward achieving that goal.

This idea for a thread isn't intended to encourage whining or a problem-focus but truthfully, I sometimes wonder whether the pd mindset values suppression itself. If we feel something fully, we may collapse into a ball of tears but we'll get up and move forward soon. And probably end up more balanced in the long run.

So, let's do it...

[truant]

It's the ego that suppresses emotion. Anything that starts with 'I should do this...' or 'I shouldn't do that...' is the ego talking. Suppressing emotions has nothing to do with leading a spiritual life, and everything to do with the ego attempting to ape spiritual people.

I agree with your views, in essence, but be careful: is my fear of expressing my fear a valid emotion? Should people respect my fear of expression?

Congratulations on your new thread. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

[rei]

Originally Posted by truant

It's the ego that suppresses emotion. Anything that starts with 'I should do this...' or 'I shouldn't do that...' is the ego talking. Suppressing emotions has nothing to do with leading a spiritual life, and everything to do with the ego attempting to ape spiritual people.

I basically agree, though I'm not a member of the ego annihilation troupe m'self. I'm not assuming you are, though most people I come across who talk in terms of ego view it as something to separate from (which is kind of impossible, and another kind of ego trap in itself).

Originally Posted by truant

I agree with your views, in essence, but be careful: is my fear of expressing my fear a valid emotion? Should people respect my fear of expression?

Not sure what that has to do with the idea for this thread. Most folks who suppress don't even quite consciously realize it's a fear thing... it's like the default way of dealing with emotion. So I'm not even sure they are walking around thinking about how they are afraid to express their fear.

I mean, no one here can force anyone to own their feelings. You have a right to suppress a feeling if that is what you'd like to do. I can respect that. It's not about forcing people to feel. It's about creating an opportunity to do so, for those who realize they were not necessarily letting their feelings surface...

Originally Posted by truant

Congratulations on your new thread. I'm curious to see how it will turn out.

Thanks man.

I would like to add, for the emotional ownership aspect of the thread, in case it's unclear, if someone wants to act on that part - the anchor for/object of the emotion doesn't have to relate to spiritual things. It could be frustration about a person or a relationship or a situation, control issues, whatever. Because feeling a feeling can be a spiritual experience, in and of itself.

[butterflyeffect]

For me personally, I find crying to be very theraputic. I often want to cry because things are upsetting me but I feel my whole body tense up and my jaw and this huge resistance washes over me and instead I get angry and tense. So instead I withdraw, bottle, lash out or just stuff food in my mouth so angry words don't come out.

I find looking at a different perspective helpful after I get to feel my emotion. So I like to allow myself to feel the emotion and get upset and the I feel waves of calm wash over me and can deal with clarity as a pose to pent up feelings and frustration that lashes out in other ways.

[elucidate]

I was speaking with a woman the other day, whom I will be living with soon, about the subject of attaining calm, and then after a while feeling almost discontent with that calmness and rebelling with anger instead, almost to relieve the boredom or consistency of it!

I myself, have quite a lot of anger which I have been in the process of expressing in a way which is both effective and harms no one, although I can't say this has always been successful, but it was my intention...to explore anger, coming from a previous mindset where I believed that there was no real point in being angry, and would bottle it.

After years of clinical depression, I have since changed my mind and view healthy anger as something that not only feels powerful but can be a way of respecting myself more by recognizing this as what I am experiencing and using it. I still slip up from time to time of course, and I still experience being shut down by men when I am angry, which just makes me angrier, and more determined to express it anyway, thus defying their demands of obedience towards stuffing it down and remaining the gentle, calm force that I also am.

It hasn't been a very comfortable or pleasant ride at times with this, especially when it comes to being around other "spiritually minded"women in particular who still prefer to ignore anger as an emotion that is part of our experience, and I have been rejected a lot for it.,..which hurts. it also has the effect of pushing the anger down and I retreat to past ways of coping, such as bottling the anger, which I know is unhealthy, but it feels like I don't have a choice if I want to remain in this world without being completely shunned.

This is just one emotion that I have brought up here, as I am at work and it seems to be the most relevant for me right now.

[rei]

Originally Posted by butterflyeffect

For me personally, I find crying to be very theraputic. I often want to cry because things are upsetting me but I feel my whole body tense up and my jaw and this huge resistance washes over me and instead I get angry and tense. So instead I withdraw, bottle, lash out or just stuff food in my mouth so angry words don't come out.

I find looking at a different perspective helpful after I get to feel my emotion. So I like to allow myself to feel the emotion and get upset and the I feel waves of calm wash over me and can deal with clarity as a pose to pent up feelings and frustration that lashes out in other ways.

Thank you. Crying is very therapeutic for me as well. I love how you describe the physical experience of tensing up. I personally also enjoy that kind of sweet exhaustion that comes later in the day when I have a really good, drawn-out sob.

That was beautiful, and disarmingly honest, and I appreciate the sharing.

I am reminded of some differences I observed recently. Two families. Both experience crisis. One family copes by crying, calling other relatives, all piling into the same place to talk and share and sometimes cry. The other family... stiff upper lip types. Instead of venting and sharing and feeling they are in and out of clinics with physical injuries and illnesses linked to stress (like GI stuff, headaches, etc.). They are good at creating the appearance of being okay with things... but the not-okay shows up in another form.

(Spiritually we can look at this kind of like a clogging up. The emotional level is where it starts. Left unexpressed the energy can actually grow denser and falls to the mental level, and if it's still not owned and expressed it can grow dense again and show up on the physical level.

[elucidate]

I've been a bit worried lately , and for a while if I'm honest, at not being ABLE to cry! I can feel the urge in the pit of my solar plexus region...it's there, it just won't surface, without some sort of stimulus, like a sad movie, or music etc.

Originally Posted by rei

Thank you. Crying is very therapeutic for me as well. I love how you describe the physical experience of tensing up. I personally also enjoy that kind of sweet exhaustion that comes later in the day when I have a really good, drawn-out sob.

That was beautiful, and disarmingly honest, and I appreciate the sharing.

I am reminded of some differences I observed recently. Two families. Both experience crisis. One family copes by crying, calling other relatives, all piling into the same place to talk and share and sometimes cry. The other family... stiff upper lip types. Instead of venting and sharing and feeling they are in and out of clinics with physical injuries and illnesses linked to stress (like GI stuff, headaches, etc.). They are good at creating the appearance of being okay with things... but the not-okay shows up in another form.

(Spiritually we can look at this kind of like a clogging up. The emotional level is where it starts. Left unexpressed the energy can actually grow denser and falls to the mental level, and if it's still not owned and expressed it can grow dense again and show up on the physical level.

[rei]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I was speaking with a woman the other day, whom I will be living with soon, about the subject of attaining calm, and then after a while feeling almost discontent with that calmness and rebelling with anger instead, almost to relieve the boredom or consistency of it!

I myself, have quite a lot of anger which I have been in the process of expressing in a way which is both effective and harms no one, although I can't say this has always been successful, but it was my intention...to explore anger, coming from a previous mindset where I believed that there was no real point in being angry.

After years of clinical depression, I have since changed my mind and view healthy anger as something that not only feels powerful but can be a way of respecting myself more by recognizing this as what I am experiencing and using it. I still slip up from time to time of course, and I still experience being shut down by men when I am angry, which just makes me angrier, and more determined to express it anyway, thus defying their demands of obedience towards stuffing it down and remaining the gentle, calm force that I also am.

It hasn't been a very comfortable or pleasant ride at times with this, especially when it comes to being around other "spiritually minded"women in particular who still prefer to ignore anger as an emotion that is part of our experience, and I have been rejected a lot for it.,..which hurts.

This is just one emotion that I have brought up here, as I am at work and it seems to be the most relevant for me right now.

Thank you. Women and anger is a big topic as well. Nice to hear you feel you're making progress on expressing it.

Saw your other post. I've had times like that myself regarding crying. Honoring the no advice rule(). But I've been there. Sometimes it's hard for me to even be able to tell whether I'm suppressing something or not. Plus if it is emotion related to work... another ball of snails, that. How often can you maintain the appropriate relationship with your colleagues if you actually emote intensely? (Well, my situation maybe not the best example, as it involves people dying so some emotion is perfectly fine and even helpful... but I'm sure there's an aspect of this stuff playing out in the employment world...)

And I must be getting some rest. I hope this thread can continue serving a useful purpose.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by rei

Thank you. Women and anger is a big topic as well. Nice to hear you feel you're making progress on expressing it.

Saw your other post. I've had times like that myself regarding crying. Honoring the no advice rule(). But I've been there. Sometimes it's hard for me to even be able to tell whether I'm suppressing something or not. Plus if it is emotion related to work... another ball of snails, that. How often can you maintain the appropriate relationship with your colleagues if you actually emote intensely? (Well, my situation maybe not the best example, as it involves people dying so some emotion is perfectly fine and even helpful... but I'm sure there's an aspect of this stuff playing out in the employment world...)

And I must be getting some rest. I hope this thread can continue serving a useful purpose.

I get this too, not knowing when I am suppressing.

In the workplace I find it causes me a lot of angst to suppress emotions, so I have taken to keeping an online journal, as I am infront of a computer a lot and have my own space which is mainly undisturbed as the scientists go about their business and leave me to mine. It has helped immensely!

[ssandra]

I don't believe in bottling up your emotions, but I also don't think it is healthy to continue to wallow in them.

Feel your emotion, get the lesson it is giving you, and move on to a nicer state of being. That is my way of dealing with emotions.

Especially anger and frustration, because those are my most frequent and strong emotions. They always come from my (usually incorrect) interpretation of a situation. Change my thoughts and the emotion goes away.

It wasn't healthy for me to just feel my emotions and continue to feel them. Moving on feels much healthier to me.

[BluBlossom]

I never really got that out of the 'teachings'. I suppose each person interprets it differently, according to their own world-view.

I agree that suppressing emotions is silly. Because you're not honouring yourself and you're invalidating or denying things e.g. this is all ego's fault. Also, whatever you repress comes up hideous, so if you think you have a big heart, but constantly get trampled, and you feel a bit resentful and take things personally. so, you're saying one thing, but thinking/feeling another. By rejecting the ego, you're denying parts of yourself and the ego is very much part of you - you can't chop it off or get rid of it. It makes one whole and is there to assist (its a teacher in its own way) - part of it's role is to show you bits of yourself you reject or deny. It acts the way it does because it's a manifestation of unconditional-love.

But you also don't need to get caught up in the thoughts that go a long with them (emotions). You can question those, see where they lead to. So, if you're angry express the anger.. allow the full emotion to express itself.. once expressed it usually goes away or dissolves. Just try not to project it onto other people. e.g. this is your fault, you're an idiot, blame them for how you feel.. etc.

I used to get unexpected bursts of anger that I didn't want to acknowledge because I didn't understand why it was occurring. I wasn't being triggered by anything, but the anger would arise. It was old stuff. It left once expressed completely and after I had surrendered into the emotion or detached/let go of denying it. The rage was a natural build up of circumstances. It was perfectly healthy and normal, but I felt at the time it wasn't because you're usually told not to express aggression or outbursts - there is something wrong with you if you do. so, lots of self-criticism.

"I think the calm placid pool is more a place you can reach after you clean your emotive house by feeling what's there waiting to be felt."

I agree.

[Richful]

So nice to see this thread. I have to agree with rei that many teachings advocate assuming a particular "state of mind" and ignore feelings, "Be detached". It's advice I took for a long while and am having to deal with disentangling my feelings from my thoughts and get 'out of my head' all the time.

Nice to see some people owning their Anger
I'm trying to learn to deal with anger in positive ways. It's not easy when you can't put your finger on the source, I find.
I've heard that anger can be a symptom of creativity being inhibited, anyone have thoughts or experiences to attest?

Indubitably.

Hehe, such a cool word

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Richful

I've heard that anger can be a symptom of creativity being inhibited, anyone have thoughts or experiences to attest?

Well, I know that I have been rather blocked for a while now, and it coincides with the time period in which I have had all this anger surfacing, though I know that the anger is more a natural response to some of the stuff I've been through in the past too, and that it covers a lot of hurt, which has been a long slow process of working through.

I do think with artists, that intense emotional states can be perfect breeding ground for their work,and I have channeled some of that into my paintings. Sadness is a particularly useful emotion that can often help to create some of the greatest art...which mosts artists will attest to.

I get miserable if I'm not painting, and I make myself miserable quite a lot for this reason, though it is partly not painting and partly feeling uninspired or just blocked...which is also a natural part of the creative cycle.

[royster]

rei-
Am I to understand I can't discuss football, make assumitive opinions about political hot-topics or give textbook advice to the lovelorn?



GOOD, 'cause I hate that crap.




I have gotten to a point in life where I'm not concerned with what others think they know about what I'm feeling. Nor do I respond favorably to those who tell me "just get over it." I do, however, take a little more time to examine closely the events and thought-processes that often add up to an unnecessary emotional boogar. I am cautious not to set myself up for the kill. This doesn't eliminate 'feeling'; it avoids unnecessary emotional masturbation.

This practice, of course, allows more time for football, politics and Dear Abby.

[Andrew Gubb]

I have to admit that I learnt to supress when I was a kid and though I've been growing through it, I've definitely had my moments of thinking I was more spiritual because I seemed less affected by events.

However a LOT more people thought *I* was less spiritual because I made a point to express myself and be human hanging around in "spiritual" circles can be suffocating sometimes... my measurestick of the real spiritual advancement of a person has a lot more to do with their sense of humour than their capability to avoid being affected by emotions.

[royster]

This belongs in the "Thank You" thread, but Andrew, you have inspired countless thousands to dare to be themselves, and feel what they feel. You took huge risks sharing your personal experiences and feelings, and ALL of us are better for it.

I suppose you are, too.

Wanna watch some football?

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by royster

This belongs in the "Thank You" thread, but Andrew, you have inspired countless thousands to dare to be themselves, and feel what they feel. You took huge risks sharing your personal experiences and feelings, and ALL of us are better for it.

I suppose you are, too.

Wanna watch some football?

Thanks a lot roy

Sure, sounds good. Martian football or Betelgeusian?

[stealth87]

As a man, I was brought up to suppress emotions or appear to always be composed. I did this and thought I was in control. The ultimate purpose was to get something from someone else. There was always a hidden agenda to my behavior, otherwise, what's the point in posturing and suppressing emotions.

It was so easy to get stuck in always trying to feel good. Not saying that there's anything wrong with that, but just like in nature, feelings flow and they are temporary. Trying to hold on to feelings of comfort and pleasure proved to be just as futile as trying to resist pain.

Both pleasure and pain are sides of the same coin. Funny thing is that the more I resisted pain, the more it intensified, and the more I held on to feelings of peace and pleasure, the bigger the struggle to hold on to this state.

Language does play a key role, for without labels as comfortable or uncomfortable, good or bad, all emotions could be just seen as what they are. Emotions and nothing else. There is nothing personal about them that defines 'me'.

This is not to say that I am indifferent about emotions. It's about fully feeling into the emotions, being present without trying, and letting them carry their natural flow. It's the flow of life, just like in nature, which includes many of those parts which we try to resist but are inevitable.

By letting go of trying to control emotional states I have experienced profound freedom. Sure there are times, when plenty of uncomfortable emotions arise, and with it resistance. But the more I resist and the more I identify with emotions, the more I am trapped in the struggle of seeking for something that is not permanent and never will be.

[Cochonette]

This is interesting, rei. I would just guard against suppressing suppression. Buddhism does not teach suppression of emotions, but release of them. What the Western world thinks of as release of emotions is more the indulgence of them: punch a pillow! scream, scream! Okay, but does that really help, or does it just perpetuate harmful emotions? Maybe in some cases it really helps, but I suspect that usually it does not. I tried punching pillows before I learned meditation, and it didn't help one bit.

Buddhism teaches acceptance of emotion in order to release them. Acceptance, that's the first step. It was when I learned this that I first identified as Buddhist.

Now, of course, a newcomer to Buddhism, maybe someone just reading about it for the first time, might think meditation is all about suppression. That's because the newcomer doesn't know anything about acceptance, so naturally the assumption is to label it as what you know instead, which is suppression.

But, if expressing our emotions is a way to free ourselves and learn to better navigate them, then allowing ourselves to sometimes suppress is a way to free ourselves and learn to better navigate the interplay between suppression and release, force and relaxation. You might think that my self-confidence experiment is about the suppression of negative emotions, and I have had moments of that... sometimes I could take it too seriously, and this is exactly when it stops working. My solution is to add more playfulness. If I didn't allow myself to make mistakes here, I wouldn't get stronger.

Similarly, I train a martial art, and beginners invariably use too much force. We have to learn to relax, but using force is naturally a part of the training process since it's where we're coming from.

That said, please continue expressing your emotions freely!

[Solipsist]

Can I go stream-of-consciousness here, rei?

[GalacticWanderer]

Suffering always results from fixation with feelings. This is useless activity. The only path out of suffering is to have a spiritual practice that leads to liberation from karmic fixation.

[spacecadetglow]

I'm feeling lately what you described in your "peace or [?]" thread, Rei. Equanimity and slight disconnect. I can't tell if this is because I'm flying too far off into la la land of spirituality without solid grounding or what. But I'm almost bored. Bored with being calm. Ha! Maybe this is why I want to attract someone into my life, because of the emotional roller coaster it usually is. Is it bad to be addicted to that? Aren't we all kind of addicted to it? I mean, is anyone ever really getting it right, ever?

I'm also worried that I'm using people. Using them to have someone to be close to, without really appreciating them as people, but just because they're there to talk to and I want that. Not everyone. Just certain people.

I can't shake this sense of being bad or wrong for all of this. I know it's just babble that's been inculcated and now is part of my beliefs, but I want out with it, out, out, out.

I can't write music. I'm uninspired, and I'm afraid it's because of the lack of turbulent emotions in my life lately. When I do write music, I hate how it sounds, and I wish I were anyone but myself. I know that I need to start recording to get used to it and get past the disconnect between how I really sound and how I think I sound. But I'm simultaneously discouraged to do it because of that. Oh well, it has to happen.

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I'm feeling lately what you described in your "peace or [?]" thread, Rei. Equanimity and slight disconnect. I can't tell if this is because I'm flying too far off into la la land of spirituality without solid grounding or what. But I'm almost bored. Bored with being calm. Ha! Maybe this is why I want to attract someone into my life, because of the emotional roller coaster it usually is. Is it bad to be addicted to that? Aren't we all kind of addicted to it? I mean, is anyone ever really getting it right, ever?

I'm also worried that I'm using people. Using them to have someone to be close to, without really appreciating them as people, but just because they're there to talk to and I want that. Not everyone. Just certain people.

I can't shake this sense of being bad or wrong for all of this. I know it's just babble that's been inculcated and now is part of my beliefs, but I want out with it, out, out, out.

I can't write music. I'm uninspired, and I'm afraid it's because of the lack of turbulent emotions in my life lately. When I do write music, I hate how it sounds, and I wish I were anyone but myself. I know that I need to start recording to get used to it and get past the disconnect between how I really sound and how I think I sound. But I'm simultaneously discouraged to do it because of that. Oh well, it has to happen.

Soooo know how you feel. I'm just checking off each thing because I have felt multiple things you mention here. I'd give you some advice if it weren't prohibited in this thread. lol

[spacecadetglow]

PM me if you like! I'm open to it.

[elucidate]

This has really mirrored for me where I am at as well. I feel like I have been using certain people in my real life for that human closeness even though I don't feel like I am really appreciating them that much...and I've noticed that when I am in a place of grieving or just survival mode, I finds it hard to appreciate the people around me as much as I would like to. Is this wrong, or is this just a normal part of recovery from years of trauma? When our energy is taken up with the process of healing I think it can affect our ability to be as appreciative as we normally would be.
We need these things, closeness, cuddles, companionship...so is it really wrong, if you are in this mode to do what you must to get your needs met, if there is no other option than to be isolated?

That's in the context of healing though. If you are just using people to alleviate boredom, then that's different I suppose? I know I hated it when this one girl I knew growing up used to come and hang out with me only when she was fighting with her best friend. When they were all friends again I wouldn't hear from her...which pissed me off!

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I'm feeling lately what you described in your "peace or [?]" thread, Rei. Equanimity and slight disconnect. I can't tell if this is because I'm flying too far off into la la land of spirituality without solid grounding or what. But I'm almost bored. Bored with being calm. Ha! Maybe this is why I want to attract someone into my life, because of the emotional roller coaster it usually is. Is it bad to be addicted to that? Aren't we all kind of addicted to it? I mean, is anyone ever really getting it right, ever?

I'm also worried that I'm using people. Using them to have someone to be close to, without really appreciating them as people, but just because they're there to talk to and I want that. Not everyone. Just certain people.

I can't shake this sense of being bad or wrong for all of this. I know it's just babble that's been inculcated and now is part of my beliefs, but I want out with it, out, out, out.

I can't write music. I'm uninspired, and I'm afraid it's because of the lack of turbulent emotions in my life lately. When I do write music, I hate how it sounds, and I wish I were anyone but myself. I know that I need to start recording to get used to it and get past the disconnect between how I really sound and how I think I sound. But I'm simultaneously discouraged to do it because of that. Oh well, it has to happen.

[Solipsist]

Originally Posted by rei

I wanted to start this up as a discussion of emotional suppression in spiritually-minded circles. What are your experiences?

AND I would like to set this up as a safe space for emotional outpourings.

Okay, rei, I really do feel compelled to discuss this part of the OP.

I consider myself spiritual, especially as of the last year and a half or so. Critical to that spiritual growth has been dealing with emotions that I suppressed prior to that time. So, like you, I think it's counterproductive to suppress emotions.

Yet, at the same time, I don't know if it's all that good a thing, at least for me, to do any "emotional outpourings," at least publicly. Maybe I'm stereotyping my own male behavior, or maybe I've got a case of the "shoulds," but for me to gush on these threads would be... well, embarassing, at the least.

I'm not afraid to cry, and I'm certainly not afraid to feel, but I do it alone, and I do it within. It's best that way, at least for me.

As for the rest of you, gush away, if you will. I still support the purpose of the thread.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by elucidate

This has really mirrored for me where I am at as well. I feel like I have been using certain people in my real life for that human closeness even though I don't feel like I am really appreciating them that much...and I've noticed that when I am in a place of grieving or just survival mode, I finds it hard to appreciate the people around me as much as I would like to. Is this wrong, or is this just a normal part of recovery from years of trauma? When our energy is taken up with the process of healing I think it can affect our ability to be as appreciative as we normally would be.
We need these things, closeness, cuddles, companionship...so is it really wrong, if you are in this mode to do what you must to get your needs met, if there is no other option than to be isolated?

That's in the context of healing though. If you are just using people to alleviate boredom, then that's different I suppose? I know I hated it when this one girl I knew growing up used to come and hang out with me only when she was fighting with her best friend. When they were all friends again I wouldn't hear from her...which pissed me off!

Maybe it's more of an alleviate boredom thing. It's also an alleviate loneliness thing. And that thought occurred to me too... maybe it's not so bad or wrong. I mean, it has such a negative connotation, but maybe "using" each other isn't so bad. I use my mom for emotional support. I use other people to meet my social needs.

But this bothers me because it's a conscious thing. I guess I just want to feel close to... people I want to feel close to, not people who just happen to be there. You know? I'm ultra picky, maybe to a fault sometimes. I get "the grossness" with guys I get close to rather easily. I'm telling you man, I've only ever *really* been attracted to one guy in my life. I was okay with keeping my eyes open when we did it; I wanted to, actually.

It seems so rare. There are a ton of potentials, but everyone seems so "blah" to me. Meh. And I don't want to meet a guy at a bar, even though I go often, because I figure if he's at a bar he's looking to pick up women and I don't want the type of guy who does that. Yet I still go out, in the hopes of meeting somebody. Self-sabotage, lmao.

[Gracestars]

Nice thread, rei.

Normally, I'd be the first to do a bit of expressing, but as I said to you in another thread, I'm blocked. Totally creatively constipated. It sucks, no end.

I'm thinking there might be some heavy duty repressing going on here, but I'm not quite sure what it is exactly that I might be stuffing down. An outpouring of thought and feeling in words would be great. Problem is, I can't find the words, nor the feelings.

Gah!

EDIT: Okay, this isn't quite true, or rather, it isn't the whole story. I'm actually dealing daily with the reawakening of my pain-body. Within a particular context, I am learning (attempting) to integrate it, and to lessen its power over my interactions in intimate relationships. Outside of that context, however, I am all congested. Blocked. Forgetful, and sort of brain-numbed.

It's really strange and hard for me to explain, which is not made any easier by the fact that I have to make a conscious effort to think peace or [?]

[rei]

Some awesome stuff here! Thank you all for participating.

stealth87 I really enjoyed reading your post and think you captured well the interplay of the spiritual mindset and emotion.

Solipsist, you expressed the precise mindset I have seen happening to males as they get conditioned for their gender role. If you have stuff to feel I hope you'll at least consider doing it privately and maybe in written form. I know where you're coming from on the doing it within thing... but at least for me, that's not as cleansing or effective as expressing in some way (it's harder for me to express if I'm keeping it internal). Still waters run deep but they can also benefit from letting the stormy weather pop up on the surface sometimes. Oops I broke the advice rule in a sneaky way, dint I. Apologies.

GalacticWanderer and Sandra - I'm not sure this thread is offered as a place to wallow. I'm not advocating that. I'm just not sure it's helpful in the long run to completely deny our emotive side. You can feel without getting into wallow mode. And really the word, "wallow," sounds to me like a negative judgment against emoting unless it's some 'strong/tough' or 'acceptable' emotion. That means someone could possibly be attached to some kind of stoic approach to things. Speaking as someone who is still trying to unravel a stoic presentation!

spacey, I hear you on the peace thread description... I have started to wonder if it was some kind of suppression. Since starting this thread I feel like I've given myself permission to experience some tension that I wasn't consciously accessing before. Nothing new has happened to lead to it so it just makes sense that it's shadow work triggered by this topic. But as I have had more conscious experience of that tension state, it has ended up addressing some of that peace-or-[?] state stuff.

For me I think it was a bit like.... working on myself... working on myself... I'm kind of tired of working on myself and wanna be in a perfecto place so I will just tell myself I have made leaps and boundso progress so I can just take a break from it all. (With an underlying fear/doubt that I hadn't really made beans of progress.) I may be one of those folks who jumps forward through relating instead of jumping forward in solitude. Idk. But I think something like this spiel had something to do with the peace state.

Plus if you're numb and complacent you don't have to deal with extra intense heavy emotion and if you're anything like me sometimes it's like enough is enough I should be (effortlessly) happy by now. I finally decided to just take each moment as it comes... to stop attaching to joy... and eventually soon hopefully I'll figure out what in the world I even want to do about the main emotionalized thing for me (emotional intimacy). I'd rather have my bleeding heart side express instead of my meh, apathetic, self-involved side express.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts and feelings in this thread. Glad to see it's gotten some use.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

Nice thread, rei.

Normally, I'd be the first to do a bit of expressing, but as I said to you in another thread, I'm blocked. Totally creatively constipated. It sucks, no end.

I'm thinking there might be some heavy duty repressing going on here, but I'm not quite sure what it is exactly that I might be stuffing down. An outpouring of thought and feeling in words would be great. Problem is, I can't find the words, nor the feelings.

Gah!

EDIT: Okay, this isn't quite true, or rather, it isn't the whole story. I'm actually dealing daily with the reawakening of my pain-body. Within a particular context, I am learning (attempting) to integrate it, and to lessen its power over my interactions in intimate relationships. Outside of that context, however, I am all congested. Blocked. Forgetful, and sort of brain-numbed.

It's really strange and hard for me to explain, which is not made any easier by the fact that I have to make a conscious effort to think peace or [?]

Ha I hear you, love. For me I can tell it has already started to shift a bit without any conscious decision on my part. The simple desire to explore suppression gave my inner self permission to let some stuff happen. Approaching head-first doesn't work as well for me since I'm so good at keeping things in check and so good at bracing myself for things... so the indirect act of talking about this topic has loosened things up a bit. Least I think it has... but then again I did have that blah hard-to-think thing happening earlier today. Somehow it started shifting though.

Maybe I'll start trying to track the blah peace thing to see if there's a pattern related to diet or time of day or something.

Funny how this thread keeps blending with two others here... but I think it's working and I think the bits in each thread still fit the topics.