spirituality and suppression + emotional ownership thread

[royster]

I can't stay in the ivory tower of contemplation. I must be in the world.

Consider this stolen by me!

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by Solipsist

Okay, I'm gonna give this a shot. Maybe it will do me some good, I dunno.

Honestly, I'm somewhat confused by the purpose of this thread, as I see "no advice" in big, bold letters of the OP, yet I see some giving advice. Not that I judge anyone for this. I give advice, myself, in other threads, but I refrain in this one, because I understand the point. What I'm about to do, though, is spill some guts, and so I'd appreciate it if y'all could follow the OP, and shut the ♥♥♥♥♥ up about anything I say here. You can PM me if you have anything to say.

I'm having to deal with some emotions, right now, because, basically, my outer world is crumbling, and I'm okay with it. I'm okay with it, because I've been going through a major spiritual catharsis, and discovering that it's okay being uncertain about the future. As many of you know, already, I'm all about the Now, and presence, and all that. Right now, though, I'm having to deal with a deeper issue, as the more minor things are cleared out, and that deeper issue is whether I deserve to be happy.

I could spill the childhood crap, but I'm over it, for the most part. Suffice it to say that I'm wondering, on a very deep level, how to clear out that sense that I was born to endure a constant suffering, either my own, or that of others (like the compassion I feel for people, these days).

On top of this, I am now having to deal with the lifelong struggle I've had with being intimate, both physically and emotionally with another human being. Talk in other threads alludes to the "intensity" of such connections, and honestly, I've never experienced such intensity. That most others do, and that it's "normal" to experience or even need this, makes me feel seriously abnormal, dysfunctional, disordered. Not because I don't need it, but because I've never experienced it, like "normal" people do. All my life, I've never felt worthy of such an experience. For years, I blamed the childhood, my parents, even women and men themselves, but I now recognize, and deeply, that this is my issue to face and accept what I need to accept.

In another thread, rei asked if my views on "connections" were possibly a way for me to hide my desire to experience intimacy. TBH, I really don't know. Part of me asks this of myself, and another part of me says, "no way", simply because it takes two to tango, and I simply haven't found a woman who wants to tango with me. I used to blame everyone, including myself, for this, but right now, it is enough for me just to accept it.

That means dealing with the emotions that all that brings with it, and let me tell you, if you've never had to deal with these specifically yourself, it's an entire world of emotional agony. I use Tolle's method to deal with it--embrace it, but don't identify with it, and that works well for me. I know there's Love and Joy and Peace on the other side of this, but right now, I'm simply grateful for the courage that I've always had to face these deep, personal issues.

Thanks for sharing, sol.

[BluBlossom]

yea, I agree. Thanks for sharing x

[Gracestars]

I'm angry.

I've realised how much anger I have inside of me, and how much I have pushed it down, because anger is so 'unsightly', so 'ugly', so unforgiveable.

I'm angry that it is not okay to be angry and I'm angry that people judge me for being angry.

I’m angry that people judge, period, and I’m angry that this concerns me so much.

I'm angry that my ex hurt me so, so greatly. I'm angry that he suppressed his anger, until one day he left me. I'm angry that every desperate attempt I made to save the relationship was futile, that every suggestion fell on deaf ears, that trying to talk to him was akin to bashing my head against a brick wall. I'm angry that it didn't work out. I'm angry that he entered a new relationship a mere 3 months later. I'm angry that it caused me a depressive episode. I'm angry that it took me so long to get over it. I’m angry that the shadow of him follows me into every new relationship. I'm angry that I'm probably still not over it. And I'm angry at myself for f!cking it up.

I'm angry at those girls for leaving me at my lowest point. I'm angry that they scapegoated me, and bonded in their abandonment of me. I'm angry that they just cut me out of their lives as though 7 years of friendship never happened. I'm angry that I spent 3 years in fear of seeing them and him, of hearing about them, of being reminded of how faulty I am, that I was not worth seeing it through. And I'm angry at myself that I lent too heavily on them.

I'm angry that my second greatest experience of rejection was at the hands of a school that should have been there to nurture me, and I'm angry that years later I have realised it caused some trauma that I wasn't aware of at the time. I'm angry that they used me as a scapegoat, to set an example, and I'm angry that they lied about my character. I'm angry that they hurt my mum, and that in the years following when I was at a new school she was caused to worry sleeplessly about where her talented, star pupil of a daughter had gone.

I'm angry that my father left his planned baby girl as infant, and I'm angry at how cliché that sounds. I'm angry that the bastard didn't pay my mother one cent of child support. I'm angry that he doesn't at least live overseas, or is stuck in a Thai jail, or is dead, because the fact he is probably drinking a beer only an hour away from me means I can't even romanticise an illusion of him. I'm angry that I grew up fatherless and sibling-less, and will always have a deep ache for family within me.

I'm angry that all this loss puts more pressure on my relationships as I attempt to cultivate my own family, and fill the void. I'm angry that I even have this void.

I'm angry that no matter how far I have come, and how much I have learnt, I still take this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ into my present relationships. I'm angry that I can't get a hold of it. I'm angry that I am so damn sensitive and feel so damn much. I'm angry that I am not lighter more consistently.

I'm angry that I lose my footing in relationships. I am angry that I lose me.

I’m angry that this is even an issue for me when I know that there are people out there who have had real tragedy affect their lives.

[BluBlossom]

I witness your anger, and it's all cool.

A void or vacuum is certainly interesting to experience. I've had this too. But, you can't exactly fill it up with anything, it's a void. So, what I find works is to let go of the need to fix or patch up the hole, and surrender the attachments I have to fixing the issue over to source to handle. Because it's just a fear, and it's best to accept that it just is - no reason to define it. No need to micro-manage the situation. Surrendering can be simple as just stating "Source has it handled, thank you very much" . But, it's best to get into a grounded state first (be aligned with the moment) before you surrender. Through surrendering you allow space to appear because you let go of your death-grip on the issue. Works for anger too I find. It also doesn't negate the experience of emotions, you're still allowing it to express, but you're not clinging to it and stopping the flow of expression as a result - it doesn't bottle itself down again.

[Solipsist]

Oh, I want to respond in the worst way, Gracey!

Can I pm you?

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by Solipsist

Oh, I want to respond in the worst way, Gracey!

Can I pm you?

In the "worst" way?? Yes, you'll have to PM me now!

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by BluBlossom

I witness your anger, and it's all cool.

A void or vacuum is certainly interesting to experience. I've had this too. But, you can't exactly fill it up with anything, it's a void. So, what I find works is to let go of the need to fix or patch up the hole, and surrender the attachments I have to fixing the issue over to source to handle. Because it's just a fear, and it's best to accept that it just is - no reason to define it. No need to micro-manage the situation. Surrendering can be simple as just stating "Source has it handled, thank you very much" . But, it's best to get into a grounded state first (be aligned with the moment) before you surrender. Through surrendering you allow space to appear because you let go of your death-grip on the issue. Works for anger too I find. It also doesn't negate the experience of emotions, you're still allowing it to express, but you're not clinging to it and stopping the flow of expression as a result - it doesn't bottle itself down again.

Thank you, BB, but as per the rules of the thread, this is really just about expressing. The how I've got a pretty good grasp of, for now. This is more about the what. Thank you though, this is good advice.

[BluBlossom]

yea, I grasp that. expression without the necessity of receiving response - the first sentence in my other post was directed towards you.

With the paragraph, I was just running along with thoughts I was getting and writing them out. I have a tendency to do that, so I was really just being general... I was talking about myself and to myself out loud. Not directly responding to your issues or what you should do to fix them intentionally (I was reaffirming things to myself in the response) - the void did trigger a response in me about issues I've had and still have a bit... if that makes any sense.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by agsags

Someone has some repressed unpleasant emotion - let's say anger. Maybe it's towards their parents. They don't know how to deal with it and how to express it. Maybe in the past they tried to expressed it an it came out as hostility. Maybe it came out as aggression and they got scared by their action. So instead of approaching their anger differently, instead of facing something unpleasant, uncomfortable and new, learning how to express this anger cleanly, they choose a spiritual tradition that denounces anger, that recommends one to "just watch as it arises" or "transform your anger into love". They are in deep pain, but the teacher/writing says that "everything is perfect as it is", concentrate on the "NOW", "drop the story", etc.

One doesn't need to be in a spiritual community to see this spiritual bypass. Have you ever shared some "unpleasant" emotion with a friend (grief, sadness) only to hear back "Cheer up! It's all good! Think positive!". That's supressing emotion by the way of spiritual bypass.

P.S. If you want to read more on Spiritual Bypass, read John Welwood (he coined the term) and Robert Augustus Masters - especially his last book on this very topic.

I missed this earlier. Interesting, thanks.

[rei]

Angela, thanks for helping me expand my perspective around the notion of wallowing.

Solipsist, just plain old thank you.

Grace, thank you. Mucho resonance over here.

Thank you all for honoring the no advice guideline. Keep in mind those who would be open to advice, you're welcome to specifically request it in your post. I do think, though, that the advice mode can get in the way of the reverberation of the feeling we're letting surface. Even if it is pd-friendly in a traditional sense to focus on solutions... sometimes we can kinda use that to jump past or rush through the feeling stage, and I, for one, am dedicated to setting aside the mindset of using a pd solution-focus as an excuse to suppress. Skipping past honoring the feeling in the name of not being a whiny baby. Pshaw.

... (Here's my little contribution for the Part B of this thread. No advice needed as most of this is just... emotion.)

I'm angry. (And amused. It's socially kosher to have a drink after work. There's a social/cultural values-based component to addiction. This little drink sure does hit the spot today.) Probably traveled about four hours in one day, all over creation. I'm angry that people exploit situations. I'm angry with the folks who allow themselves to be exploited just to keep people feeling accommodated. Angry at myself for still having this ridiculous accommodation thing to address, frustrated that I haven't gotten further along with it. I'm angry that in some areas women have kids before they are women themselves and end up training future generations to follow suit.

I'm angry that when I go make a call to the state tomorrow about some exploitation, there's a good chance they will come check it out and not actually do anything of note to fix it. Darn deep south tightfisted policy and crap state economy that means the people who do that job are way underpaid and overworked and... very rarely do they follow through based on what they are there for. System-wide disgusting inefficient jaded mess that needs to be fixed.

I'm angry with the GPS for not showing me the proper route to get to my house and making me an hour later than usual getting home. I'm angry with myself for not being as passionate about injustice as I once was, and scared that I'm becoming disillusioned. I'm angry with myself for being so skittish about relationship and scared that the latest wave of aesthetic attention is going to my head. I'm frustrated at how thin I got and scared that the weight won't come back evenly. I'm frustrated with myself for stalling on potential intimate encounters because I want things to be just so, and frustrated that my peacekeeping/harmonizing gets in the way in pairings a la that eat/pray/love lady.

I am frustrated that I'm not dealing better with the slight class adjustment that is typical when you recently graduate college and live independently and concerned that I'm not managing my money accordingly because I was raised in suburban bratville. I resent the way I was brought up because it led to a teeny bit of that entitlement crap. I don't think it comes across to other people but I like to have nice things and so far my attempts to deal with this through choosing minimalist living aren't working as well as I would like. I can't stand materialism but I'm also a little hypocritical about it. Which sucks a fat one.

I'm angry at the Puritanical culture for creating such a huge group of people who deny their feelings, and frustrated with my recent ancestors for setting up that pattern where it got passed down to me. I'm grateful that I see my mother in a new light. I'm ashamed because I think I didn't process my most recent breakup as well as I 'should' have.

I'm frustrated with how much trouble I've had lately accessing my self-discovery individuality stuff. I feel this urgency to make headway there before I open up further to romantic encounters. I know that being picky about who I partner with is my way of correcting for how docile and accepting I get once in the routine of relationship. I'm tired of settling for something that is not at the level I deserve but also tired of what looks like slim pickins in the area, and don't really feel like doing the getting-to-know you phase even though that's probably appropriate - because I am almost completely used to networking and relationship with the crutch of the drug culture.

I'm feeling guilty about... something. Feeling like a fraud or a hypocrite on days where I think I am expressing compassion in an automaton kind of way. That makes me terrified of being heartless or narcissistic, but then something occurs in my personal life (example: sis's foster kid's hissy fit) and I realize I am as caring as always but I keep myself distanced at work so I can keep doing what they need me to do). Doubting my career choice and feeling like I also need to wait it out and see where it goes. I'm frustrated that I am in a new area but am so focused on self-care that I'm not making much of an effort to create new friendships outside of work friends.

I'm angry at the universe for snatching my dad before I had time to brace myself for it. And angry that all my conscious work on any residual grief seems ineffective because I've gotten so damn good at protecting my emotional side. And sad that all the people I help at my contract position are just waiting to die. Sad that they do die, often. Angry that the company gives entirely inadequate resources to support staff grief.

I'm also intellectually angry that I typed this out from a place of emotional distance. I'm not currently even feeling the emotions I wrote about even though I know they are there, and that makes me feel scared that I am too good at suppression to work through it except when I get sideswiped by things.

Oh, and I'm scared about posting all that publicly. Even if it's authentic and real and all that jazz.

[Gracestars]

Originally Posted by rei

Oh, and I'm scared about posting all that publicly. Even if it's authentic and real and all that jazz.

+1

I feel ya, lady.

[spacecadetglow]

Woohoo, let's keep the healthy release of emotions going!

I'm sad for no reason. Sad that it's getting darker earlier and it makes me feel closed in. I'm angry for everyone that approaches me at work and interrupts my mindflow, even though I also complain that I never have enough work to do or students to see. Most of them ask really dumb questions that could be easily answered if they actually just read their assignments. And I hate when my coworker patronizes me and acts like what I have to say is stupid. I wasn't looking to be corrected, I was looking to express myself, as*hole. I hate having to censor curse words on these forums.

I'm nervous when talking to people, but it's getting a lot better. Sometimes I just feel this underlying, seething tension all day that I try to push away. I'm angry at people whose lives seem like flowers and lollipops, and then they look down on me condescendingly like I'm not doing something right or I haven't done something that's supposed to make a difference. I still feel like I must be missing out on some tool that's supposed to make me fall in love with my life. If only I'd read this one book, go to that one workshop, surely everything would be different. I hate feeling that tug, because I know it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I hate feeling like I have to spend money to gain access to wisdom. And I hate that I'm too stubborn to actually just bite the bullet and do it.

I'm worried I'll never find true happiness, that I'll just keep experiencing the numb/peace feeling and never experience true relaxation and contentment again. But things have gotten a LOT better.

I hate, hate, hate people who tell me I should be able to control my anger, control my reactions. Last I checked, these things came to me. I don't f*cking choose ♥♥♥♥♥. I don't choose to feel hurt, I don't choose to feel silenced, I don't choose to feel joy. It just happens. And I'm not going to become a robot to generate a good feeling state all the time, because it'd be disingenuous. I'm perfectly fine how I am. And I hate being told that I'm choosing to use the perspective that I can't choose these things! I'm f*cking human. I feel. I breathe. I'm alive. And I just. don't. feel like. controlling everything. all the time. I don't want to. It's too much.

[rei]

Originally Posted by Gracestars

+1

I feel ya, lady.

For realio. Nice to know I'm not the only one.

[spacecadetglow]

I also hate that anger is seen as an "icky" feeling, something that surely no rational person would ever "choose." Has anyone ever considered that we women NEED to feel angry, that we're justified in our anger? When I'm done an injustice, I'm going to get f*cking angry because you crossed me. I'm not going to rationalize it away and force myself to "choose something different," I'm going to feel angry because feeling angry is human and it's okay.

[rei]

Amy, thank you! I especially resonated with your 'must have missed that one book/workshop' point.

You inspired some more emotion for me that I'll plop down right here.

I am annoyed with the tendency of some to only show their hunky dory sides. Like you KNOW they MUST have a bad day here or there but they handle it in solitude or only with special people in their lives, and if they don't even communicate quasi-directly that they have just finished/are processing a less-than-hunky-dory time it just makes me almost livid. Even if they are finding ways to manage or just looking on the bright side, it annoys me if they refuse to acknowledge that life is ever difficult for them at the time. Like they are being perfectionists or being cowardly or being deceitful if all I ever see of them is this seemingly perfect mood. Either that or it makes me feel shame like I must be flawed or I would be in the perfect mood too.

I've worked and gone to school with a few people like that and it makes me be like, dude! Show when life is getting to you once in a while. Otherwise I'm gonna think you're a big faker with that sunshine crap! Really though, it bugs me when someone is dishonest by pretending they are happy when they are more likely stressed about stuff. You can show it without pushing for sympathy. Come on!

[spacecadetglow]

Hell yeah. I'm really resonating with this thread. +1 for the people who are always hunky dory, always doling out advice as if they know it all, as if they know YOU. Bitches ain't ****.

In the same vein, I'm gaining much more respect for people who readily show their "weakness," who are not afraid to unabashedly be themselves. Like the people in this thread. It's making me realize how much we all put barriers up, constantly. It feels so liberating to do this. I never realized how much I held in. Thank you, thank you, thank you Rei.

Sometimes I get depressed immediately upon waking up. Another day. Oh, I have to do this again? I'm awake again. Here I am. Waiting for something to happen.

But then I'll step outside and feel the sun on my face or catch my cat sitting at a certain angle, or my mom will say something funny, and it's all okay. It's the little things, man. And by little things, I mean tiny blip moments.

[spacecadetglow]

I hate people that talk and talk and talk and talk.

[BluBlossom]

Okay, falling more in line with purpose of the thread and expressing feelings or other things that I have inside.

My anger comes in strong explosive bursts. I'd say it's more akin to rage. I might be working away and totally absorbed in something and if interrupted I get angry at the annoyance. I get angry when people tell me how I should do certain things e.g. cook or organise certain files. When people try to control my actions, basically.

I am angry at myself for taking things personally in the past and my clinging to certain issues now because it affected me deeply back then.

I don't like it how people labelled me over-sensitive in the past and said that I should grow thicker skin because I did take things personally. I am angry at my childhood and for all the people who judged me because I was shy, and picked on me because of that too. I am angry at all the people who spoke about me behind my back and called me odd. I still remember all the names of all those people - it's burnt into my mind.

I get annoyed when people dump their stuff on me or only seek me out because they have something to bi*tch about. They don't seek me out when they want to do something fun or have something good to talk about.

I am angry at being fatigued for no apparent reason.

I get irritated when people don't pay attention to their surroundings (because they are sooo self-absorbed) or invade my personal space. I don't like being touched by people I don't know. The other day I was on the bus and about to get off and was waiting by the back exit. These two girls (in high-school) saw each other on the bus and decided it was a great idea to push me into the red space at the exit by getting close to me and also lean on my bag - very rude! I don't like it when people whack me with their bag 'accidentally' and don't apologise. I also don't like it when others push in line.

I get annoyed when the guys make a mess in the office because they expect me to clean it, being female. I also hate it when people mess with my desk and move things around or take things from it.

And...I'm upset at family members for constantly comparing me with other people while growing up.

I hate it when people try and walk all over me and i hate it when i do nothing about it.

[spacecadetglow]

Awesome, BluBlossom. Thanks for sharing. I can't tell you how therapeutic the honesty is here. Very healing for me, personally.

The anger I feel is more like hatred. Hence the abundance of "I hate" in my last post, lol. Hatred towards specific people for specific things. I don't want to rationalize it away by telling myself "oh he's just having a bad day," because his bad day hurts ME and affects ME. Why do I need give other people permission to behave however they want yet I'm not allowed to behave how I want! Oooh this one felt really big. Like I'm doing aaall this internal work just to be OKAy with how other people are acting, yet I put all these restrictions on myself as to how I should act! How utterly absurd.

[rei]

Originally Posted by BluBlossom

Okay, falling more in line with purpose of the thread and expressing feelings or other things that I have inside.

My anger comes in strong explosive bursts. I'd say it's more akin to rage. I might be working away and totally absorbed in something and if interrupted I get angry at the annoyance. I get angry when people tell me how I should do certain things e.g. cook or organise certain files. When people try to control my actions, basically.

I am angry at myself for taking things personally in the past and my clinging to certain issues now because it affected me deeply back then.

I don't like it how people labelled me over-sensitive in the past and said that I should grow thicker skin because I did take things personally. I am angry at my childhood and for all the people who judged me because I was shy, and picked on me because of that too. I am angry at all the people who spoke about me behind my back and called me odd. I still remember all the names of all those people - it's burnt into my mind.

I get annoyed when people dump their stuff on me or only seek me out because they have something to bi*tch about. They don't seek me out when they want to do something fun or have something good to talk about.

I am angry at being fatigued for no apparent reason.

I get irritated when people don't pay attention to their surroundings (because they are sooo self-absorbed) or invade my personal space. I don't like being touched by people I don't know. The other day I was on the bus and about to get off and was waiting by the back exit. These two girls (in high-school) saw each other on the bus and decided it was a great idea to push me into the red space at the exit by getting close to me and also lean on my bag - very rude! I don't like it when people whack me with their bag 'accidentally' and don't apologise. I also don't like it when others push in line.

I get annoyed when the guys make a mess in the office because they expect me to clean it, being female. I also hate it when people mess with my desk and move things around or take things from it.

And...I'm upset at family members for constantly comparing me with other people while growing up.

I hate it when people try and walk all over me and i hate it when i do nothing about it.

Thank you!

[rei]

I'm feeling a bit jealous of those of you who can spare the time / have access to post during business hours in the states.

And I'm also feeling happy for Amy, Gracestars, BluBlossom and Solipsist! Not happy about what you each actually shared here, but happy for you each in the act of the sharing.

Thank you again to all who have been participating here.

[Cochonette]

Thank you all for honoring the no advice guideline. Keep in mind those who would be open to advice, you're welcome to specifically request it in your post. I do think, though, that the advice mode can get in the way of the reverberation of the feeling we're letting surface. Even if it is pd-friendly in a traditional sense to focus on solutions... sometimes we can kinda use that to jump past or rush through the feeling stage, and I, for one, am dedicated to setting aside the mindset of using a pd solution-focus as an excuse to suppress. Skipping past honoring the feeling in the name of not being a whiny baby. Pshaw.

You're right. I didn't realize I was going to write a really long post. It looks out of place, mostly because I said so much.

I'm not going to read any more of this thread. I read a few of the posts, and since this is about sharing feelings here, I will say that they really bothered me. That is all.

[spacecadetglow]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

You're right. I didn't realize I was going to write a really long post. It looks out of place, mostly because I said so much.

I'm not going to read any more of this thread. I read a few of the posts, and since this is about sharing feelings here, I will say that they really bothered me. That is all.

Well, the receiver of the advice (me) vouches that your post did not in any way inhibit the reverberations of my feelings, only aided in their release. a most appropriate result for this thread. just mah 2.

oh no, i'm sorry some of these posts upset you! you could talk about why without calling anyone out and i, myself, wouldn't mind the raw honesty. shrug. whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

[BluBlossom]

^ Agree.

Also, by saying that you're sharing how you feel, bothered (the point of the thread).

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Well, the receiver of the advice (me) vouches that your post did not in any way inhibit the reverberations of my feelings, only aided in their release. a most appropriate result for this thread. just mah 2.

Thanks.

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

oh no, i'm sorry some of these posts upset you! you could talk about why without calling anyone out and i, myself, wouldn't mind the raw honesty. shrug. whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

I'm not sure how to put this. Thinking it through further, I find this thread kind of amusing. One of the rules is no invalidation, and yet it's all about the expression of emotions, which includes invalidating emotions. It's not that I'm afraid to share what exactly I experienced here, but I just don't personally feel the need to right now, other than what I already said. That's something, though, right? My thing is, I prefer to cast it all positively right now because that's what I'm training myself to do. But I still have much work to do on learning to transform emotions, needless to say. I haven't figured out how I could use this thread significantly toward that end since it's about the suspension of all solutions other than the suspension of solutions other than the... hey, I found a fractal.

Okay. I ... would like to stop invalidating others' expression of invalidating emotions toward me. There we go! I just want to break the cycle. Thanks, spacecadetglow! ^^

[elucidate]

Here I was thinking I'm the only one who is ever friggin' angry here

RAWR

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

I hate having to censor curse words on these forums.

I hate this too...feels like I'm back in grade school getting a hand slap for being 'naughty'.

I'm nervous when talking to people, but it's getting a lot better. Sometimes I just feel this underlying, seething tension all day that I try to push away.

I try to just sit with it, when I get the urge to push it away. Doesn't always work...but sometimes it does.

I'm angry at people whose lives seem like flowers and lollipops, and then they look down on me condescendingly like I'm not doing something right or I haven't done something that's supposed to make a difference. I still feel like I must be missing out on some tool that's supposed to make me fall in love with my life. If only I'd read this one book, go to that one workshop, surely everything would be different. I hate feeling that tug, because I know it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I hate feeling like I have to spend money to gain access to wisdom. And I hate that I'm too stubborn to actually just bite the bullet and do it.

I hear ya. Usually though, if you scratch the surface you'll find their lives aren't any better...they are just better at pretending that they are, and hiding behind a mask.

I hate, hate, hate people who tell me I should be able to control my anger, control my reactions. Last I checked, these things came to me. I don't f*cking choose ♥♥♥♥♥. I don't choose to feel hurt, I don't choose to feel silenced, I don't choose to feel joy. It just happens. And I'm not going to become a robot to generate a good feeling state all the time, because it'd be disingenuous. I'm perfectly fine how I am. And I hate being told that I'm choosing to use the perspective that I can't choose these things! I'm f*cking human. I feel. I breathe. I'm alive. And I just. don't. feel like. controlling everything. all the time. I don't want to. It's too much.

Right there with ya. Hate those people who tell me to stop it, and I no longer take it when they do, it just makes me angrier, almost out of rebeliousness at their command that I obey and be this perfect calm little gently sea, but they are allowed to be angry because they are male! HATE IT

Yay for Humans Being

I also refuse to roboticize myself. I allow the full scope of human emotions because it's ok to feel whatever I am feeling at any given time. Whilst it sounds nice to feel good all the time, I don't think it is realistic, and somehow it saps the passion out of living in the process. Life is wild and moods change with each moment. I like to go with that. Choosing how to feel just sounds really "Stepford Wives" ish!

[Lakshyayidhi Lakshmihi]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I'm not going to read any more of this thread. I read a few of the posts, and since this is about sharing feelings here, I will say that they really bothered me. That is all.

I get angry when people say stuff like this (not directed at you cochonette, you just happened to say this and it triggered a strong emotional response of anger inside of me, but since you are no longer participating in the thread I assume it's OK to use this an example....obviously since you were not interacting with me, I want to stress that I am responding to the words and sentiment, not to YOU.)

It's my mother is all. She says stuff like this and then refuses to explain why she is bothered or upset, just that she is upset by something. To me that's passive aggressive. Why tell me that you are angry at all if you can't tell me why? If you can't explain it, keep it to yourself, MOM.

I feel like when she says stuff like this to me she's dumping. Dumping her emotional aggravation (which is all about HER, not about anyone else, because emotional arousal is always about the individual experiencing it) all over me. Aggravation that I didn't have and didn't need or want, but she feels so free to just give it to me. It's my birthright. To carry her sadness and anger and regret and rage on my shoulders. I take up the burden without even thinking about it.

I take up the burden of other people's anger, too. I see it inside of me. I am so willing to absorb it and shoulder it, put it on top of the pack that is so huge it dwarfs me.

It doesn't matter why I do that, but now that I see it I can stop and say - no. This is your anger, this - this bothers YOU. Not me! I'm OK with it! And I don't need to hold it for you. You can keep it. And that's not a sarcastic smile, that's smile of liberation.

[alexplatups]

just wanted to post some information that I wrote in another thread about
emotions, and this is mostly because I'm lazy, otherwise I would have simply
typed out some new stuff.

the components of emotions/activities that I talk about below, are not
all there are, these are just the most important ones, and if one of these
components/elements is taken out, the whole structure of the emotion
falls apart, and it vanishes...and there are NO exceptions

Anyway, as far as the present moment, from my personal observations and
experiences, if one truly lives in the present moment, then he/she will not
and cannot experience fear, anger, or desires. Obviously there are many other
things that will not be experienced, but these three are enough to start this
thread, and they're something the majority of folks experience on a regular basis.

Okay, let's start with #1-fear. Two of the primary components of fear is the
possibility of a future and the unwillingness to have a certain experience.

Think about anything you fear, and you will see that first of all, you are
fearing that a certain scenario will occur in the future, and second that
you are not willing to experience that scenario.

This basically means, if you are aware that there is only the Present Moment,
and hopefully most people are aware of this absolute fact, and you are
really willing to do what you fear...then the fear will vanish.

Now, with #2-anger, it is the opposite, it is based on something that happened
in the past and something that brought you a lot of pain, and plus it
pointed to the fact that you are incapable in some way.

If you felt the pain completely, there would be no reason to feel the anger,
and if you were aware that it happened in the past, and that the past is
over, you also would have no need to be angry.

So anger is basically a regeneration of a sense of incapacity through a
destructive intent or feeling-reaction.

Take away the past, or completely feel the pain without denying it, and
anger vanishes completely. Also, if you didn't feel the sense of inacapacity
you wouldn't feel the anger in the first place, even if you felt tried to
repress the pain, or lived completely in the past. Take any of the components
out of the structure...and it falls apart completely.

Now, last but not least, #3-desire. Desire is also based on the possibility of
a future, similar to fear, but its primary component is an assessment of the
fact that something is missing in the present moment. Obviously there is
a feeling of separation between the object of desire and your "self" and
this is what causes the pain.

The interesting thing is that the feeling-sensation of imagined pleasure of
getting the desired object...masks the pain-suffering that you experience
as you feel the separation between what you desire and the present
moment reality.

Just like with fear and anger, if you take away one or all of the components,
the desire "itself," and the suffering that it causes would vanish.

Just in case someone doesn't know the distinction between desire and
intent/want, they are not the same thing. Whatever you intend/want is
what you actually do, while desire is what you imagine you want in the
future, and most of the time, you don't take any action toward

And by the way, if you have ever observed them closely like I have, you
would have seen an interesting thing, and that is that these emotions/activities
are caused by us, and NOT by the circumstances around us.