The Painful Birth of Awareness

[DominicJackson]

THIS IS AN EXPLANATION AND ALSO VENT/CHAIN OF CONSCIOUSNESS
IF YOU CAN BE BOTHERED I WOULD LOVE HELP BUT WRITING IT IS HELPING :-)
MY STORY OF HOW I LOST MY MIND


Ok so I have been posting and reading a hell of a lot I just posted this and now I feel completely different nearly 100% happy. I figured that it was time to maybe cut to the chase with the problems I have been having. I really think what I am going through is a Spiritual awakening or opening of awareness and it has been tearing my life appart or I have anyway.

I think I read it best in a book called "The Belly of the Beast" where he describes becoming to aware/spiritual without the right guidance in a nice similie. I wish I could find the quote but its something like this:

He says its like if a coach driver represented the spirit/consciousness, then one horse for the body, one for the mind, and one for the ego and the horses panic/coach driver looses control of horses.

I am not in an eloquent mood sorry but I hope you get the picture lol.. So after having pretty spiritual parents particularly my Dad (who's teacher is prem rawat) I guess I was a bit more open minded than your average Joe. Then I read "The Power of Now" sitting in a beautiful field in the beautiful sun and felt amazing after reading the first page lol! I looked at the bushes and insects in wonder briefly and then continued reading. I guess this was a big jolt to my spirit for a second realising it did not need the confines of my own mind!

Problem is that since then for 3 years most of the time I have not acted or felt spiritual at all! I have been egotistical thoughtless and self obsessed. And instead of just getting help when everything was going wrong I was continuouslytried to sort out between what i knew was right and wanted to happen and what i was feeling and what was really happening in reality.
So I was in a constant internal conflict trying to feel great and everything thinking I shouldn't listen to my mind but feeling hate.
I didn't keep reading "The Power of Now" like I probably should have done! I had a lovely girlfriend who loved me more than anything and was pretty much perfect and I just kept hurting her. After the relationship I started getting help by this point I was having terrible Anxiety attacks and stress like never before. I used to get so stress out it was unreal I would like sit there and my face would twitch on my own when nothing at all stressful was happening!? I started loosing all my lovely thick hair! I'm 26! Still gutted everytime I look in a mirror.

So to get to some kind of point here.
Earliyer today I had my anxiety attack again after I looked at my Ex's facebook obviousl I have associated a LOT of my mental anxiety with her.
What I want is to stay on some kind of equilibrium and stop feeing awfull and having all these health issues!

I want to decipher the different messages and signs and thoughts going on all the time! Get a handle on life get some control! I know I control everything with my mind so just need to learn how to do it!

I kinda realized that its not what I am thinking its what I am about to think which can make me feel like ****. Its the action of thinking negatively or positively even before the voice. Specially because feeling positive takes no thinking at all!

I used to make music all the time coincidentally just before I started getting these problems. I think this really helped keep everything in shape only now if I did it it would be a much more spiritual and open experience like true art, if I could get control of my thoughts and moods!

So has anyone quite got into such a state when something that is meant to be so positive is happening? I mean I know I should have just focused all my attention on spiritual solutions to the spiritual problem I had but I am kinda to independent I like to do things on my own and make my own mistakes I just didn't realize what I was playing with here. Not a piece of music or a job or something where its ok to make mistakes this is life! And pure life force! I hurt people and myself over and over and over. It was like I was punching myself in the face until I was breaking my bones!

Lol I thought its kinda life the awareness or power I have now was an axe and I was drunk!! Swinging it at people and smashing my lovely house (life) to bits lol A new toy but the person playing with it has no idea its actually a deadly weapon and extremely hard to control lol

**** at least I am laughing about this.

I have a feeling that I am a bit clairvoyant well everyone is. And obviously we can manifest stuff and magic is real I mean come on its being proven by proper scientists now! Check Quantum physics out! Its totally plausible that we can do anything with our minds! Deepak Chopra is great! All these people have helped me on my way gain more and more levels of consciousness!

What I want to do though is use it every day all the time not just meditate and then forget about it! Like my dad seems to do! lol

Can it be a kind of escape ? Yeah damn straight I escaped from reality for 3 years behind pain and fear. If we have the choice of how to feel why at first turn the gun on ourself? I don't get it.
I thought spiritual awakening and control was a beautiful process! Not like having you head scalped!!! Lol
I know it will lead to beauty so I guess its all been worth it in a way, so much wasted time and pain though :-(
I know I should have just kept reading the power of now over and over again and studying spiritual knowledge and practising meditation. I didn't know it at the time to much going on. Still a lot.

Is meditation the only way? Being creative again will surely balance things out a bit more right? Get my chakra's functioning properly. A lot of problems happened when I stopped being an artist you get in touch with your spirit if your a good musician or artist that's why it feels so good!!!

It feels so good writing this post and this is a piece of creativity even though t probably makes no sense at all! Control.. How to control. Its an invisible hand so its hard to tell when your in control or not right? It just goes. It just happens you don't have to think about it or worry about it JUST DO IT!
I think Its all about JUST DOING IT! Other wise not doing it is a nice moist warm place for bacterial negative thought patterns to arise and grow! As soon as we are dormant the mind and spirits energies are all bouncing around every where (unless your meditating). Its almost too tempting to start playing around with your power inside hurting your self. "YOU COULD POKE SOMEONE'S EYE OUT WITH THAT!!" lol

So JUST DO IT... Getting my creativity back... meditating more.... don't think so much.. Where should I focus my attention most of the time?

As soon as i am thinking this it is a worrying thought and then i think is that ego? is it anxiety? dum dum...

It is not the attention its what's aiming the attention that's the place you want to be! That is your spirit. The one aiming the gun not the gun itself.

\i think i need a spiritual doctor

[DominicJackson]

Does the ego grasp on more tightly when ones awareness is trying to get out of that space? Where ever I looked inside me there was ego.

Like some kid that wont let go of its toy! i need to be the firm pull of a parents hand tugging the toy (awarnes) away from the bratty child (ego)

Its getting better don't get me wrong the more I read and practise the more I have really beautiful spiritual experiences. But I want everyday to be like that! not just random times. i know each one pulls me out of the ditch I built myself. But i want to be in the NOW all the time and enjoy life without having to sit on my own meditating. I haven't done it much and most people recommend doing it once a day. Surely I should really be doing that? I guess it will help. Sometimes I find it so difficult it actually makes me feel worse :-(

[DominicJackson]

F**K IT... its a great statement to rid oneselves of a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ thought"
May seem negative but it makes me feel great!!!
Not like I am shouting it out with children around

[DominicJackson]

You know your succeeding in your self when you feel good and at peace.
Any other time your doing something wrong right?

Not like in an egotistical way like "I just got a new car"
I mean total connection to the universe.

[DominicJackson]

I keep looking at my self and trying to judge if I I am doing the right thing

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

Does the ego grasp on more tightly when ones awareness is trying to get out of that space?

Yes. Ego's job is to generate a story about who you are and what everything is all about. When Awareness starts to move outside of that Ego generally panics. Then, of course, it will slowly adopt whatever it is that Awareness experiences and reduce it to a concept and figure out what it's all about, and call itself "enlightened".

The trick is to just let Ego be Ego and do its Ego thing, while remaining as Awareness as much as possible. Detachment, while remaining interestedly observant.

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

i need to be the firm pull of a parents hand tugging the toy (awarnes) away from the bratty child (ego)

Aww, don't be too hard on it. It's just doing its job, after all. It doesn't really know any better. It's like a little terrier dog fiercely guarding its "territory" from evil threats like the invasion of the mail carrier and random people walking down the street. Annoying? Yeah, sure, but it's just doing its job as best it can.

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

i want to be in the NOW all the time and enjoy life without having to sit on my own meditating.

I don't understand. What's preventing you from being in the NOW, like, you know, NOW? I suspect Ego may have some slightly peculiar idea of what being in the now actually means. It means being PRESENT, in the moment you're in, right now. If you're eating chips, really EAT them, taste them, enjoy them, notice how it feels to chew them, how it feels to swallow. If you're typing a message on a forum, be aware of the way the keys tap as you type, of how the words appear in front of you on the monitor screen, of the sounds coming from other rooms or the street or your speakers, of the posture your body is in, everything you can manage. Just be PRESENT. It does take some practice, but it doesn't require constant meditation. Well, actually, practicing presence is a kind of meditation, but not the kind people normally think of.

A Zen story: Once a novice monk who had served his aged Zen master, awaiting instruction toward Satori, lost patience and complained, "Master, I have served you all these months, and as yet you have taught me nothing about Zen!" Taken aback, the Master replied, "What do you mean? When you served me tea, did I not enjoy it?"

Presence.

Quiet-mind meditation (or mantra meditation, which has the same basic goal) just takes practice. It's not difficult in the usual sense of the word. It's just something you have to keep trying until you figure out how to do it, and then it's quite simple and very straightforward.

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

I keep looking at my self and trying to judge if I I am doing the right thing

Judge not, lest ye be judged.

Judgment is an Ego game. Just sayin'.

[DominicJackson]

wow I cant believe anyone read that lol
I will read more closely going blind for some reason,,,
Cheers.
I am going to use this thread to piece together all the evidence I have and make sense of it!
I want to link all the threads I have put on here to this thread and get it all to make more sense I think its a good idea from a NLP perspective..

Thank you caterpillar woman!!!!

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

Thank you caterpillar woman!!!!

You're welcome. I've been where you are.

[DominicJackson]

decided to not contact my ex for a while and use my manifest and heart chakra instead give her space to feel and think...

[spacecadetglow]

Hey, I read all of it. I'm in the exact same spot. I don't have any answers for you. But I do have faith that I will get "there," wherever "there" is, even if it ends up just being here, right here, all along.

Get off the forums and play some music. That's what I plan to do. Get creative. Let it out. Make a commitment to being creative every day. Us tortured soul artist-types need that.

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

I don't understand. What's preventing you from being in the NOW, like, you know, NOW? I suspect Ego may have some slightly peculiar idea of what being in the now actually means. It means being PRESENT, in the moment you're in, right now. If you're eating chips, really EAT them, taste them, enjoy them, notice how it feels to chew them, how it feels to swallow. If you're typing a message on a forum, be aware of the way the keys tap as you type, of how the words appear in front of you on the monitor screen, of the sounds coming from other rooms or the street or your speakers, of the posture your body is in, everything you can manage. Just be PRESENT. It does take some practice, but it doesn't require constant meditation. Well, actually, practicing presence is a kind of meditation, but not the kind people normally think of.

Hi yes I need to do this more and practice but with such an unstable grounding it seemed impossible with the anxiety I was experiencing.
I believe in meditation in the now it may be the most difficult way to do it but I like doing things the hard way you learn more. Just got to make sure I dont hurt anyone anymore including myself. I have got so much better got a new job and dont get so stressd out now. Meditation and mantras in the day help.
I keep telling my self "have faith in the world, have faith in yourself"

The mind is so stupid. I am kicking its ass into obeying me. Just want me ex back now and am using my magic to help that happen if thats what god wants....

Thanks x

[DominicJackson]

you know when your in just the right balance of being drunk and high?
I just felt great tonight. A little bit of beer and weed can surely get the old mind going! In a really good way sometimes too!

I decided that my chakras are tools to USE not gizmo's to take readings on!
With the mind going mental no wonder peoples chakras close and open in alarming ways! So I am going to USE my chakras from now on!
When I want to feel horny, at home, or agressive I'll use my ROOT chakra, Love Heart, openess THROAT, love HEART!

I never had to control these before I lost it and got all spiritual!
But now like my feeling of "sixth sense" or spiritual connectivness that I perceive in my mind, I need to untangle all those messages and get them under CONTROL!

I guess spiritual awarness and evolution is all about CONTROL at the end of the day. Isn't that what every human on a spiritual mission is reall on?
De-programming all our thoughts, ego instincts, and buit up "fake" personality that relinquish our CONTROL!?

I thought of some other cool stuff whilst walking home stoned..... mmm trying to remember lol (damn weed)..
Oh! I forgot.. lol

I have decided to let go of anything to do with my mind! But keep it turned on,

Most thoughts are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. But sometimes we USE our minds and we have to watch out for those moments. They are the more obvious, spontaneous, tiny quiet voices that we always ignore! lol After the initial REAl us thinking the ego suddenly catches up and takes over, deconstructing the thought and usually changing our MINDS and HEARTS to the will of the EGO.
So sure maybe I do still love my ex and want her back but 90% of that has to be ego because she is NOT HERE NOW!
So she is not the answer to the problems I am facing now,
sorry ex's our my special ability at mind ****ing myself, well relationships in general actually.
Oh yea I remember to I was trying to think to the bottom of my anxiety problems. Which is always pretty Freudian I guess. Usually to do with our parents. Great saying: "There are three truths your fathers, your mothers and YOURS! Which one are you going to live?"

Well its just to do with loss and early reflections of broken relationships. i feel like my standards are too high, my expectations to much to an unrealistic level. i mean nobodies perfect right?

I thought of more but am so so tired.

[DominicJackson]

its about focusing on those thoughts and energies and treating them all the same, like balancing plates as soon as something starts going wrong you need to push it a little the other way.
Constant attention. they are the same emotions and thoughts why seperate them?????
real joy is not an emotion.
I know I will forget half of how I am doing this tomorrow but 2 steps forward 1 step back eh?

[DominicJackson]

So I have to open my mind I got to stop thinking of my ex as it is restricting my imagination and my freedom and power.
I remember when I was in love with another ex for 3 years and I blocked female attention as i was so blinded. There were girls that were spiritual and beautiful and interested in me and I couldn't see them. I manifested what i thought that was that I wasn't going to find a girl I liked as much as my ex at the time. I put my intention out into the universe for my ex back if god and my ex wants it to happen it will happen, if I keep using my mind to send out conflicting information it will just complicate things and ruin the attention, you should think it believe it and then let it pass with manifestation right? It can ruin it if you get all obsessed your energy is blocking the others energy from growing and making its own mind up even if you are not texting the every day "I love you".

It is reducing my imagination and that is a sad state of affairs. It is most important to our well being and a spiritual portal. Like our dreams.
I lost my dreams all through the anxiety period I was having, Strange eh? even though i stopped smoking weed for ages they never came back, no even though I am smoking again I have great dreams! but I don't want to smoke them away again if thats possible.
lol

I get messages and premonitions in my dreams like most people I guess, but sometimes I get very vivid images that become real!?
Like if I want something really bad I get messages about what will happen now, in the future, the risks ...etc.. The strange thing is it will be a very vivid exact image that will stick with me and eventually i will end up seeing it in real life!

What i want to know now is how I can tell the difference between what I WANT, and what WILL HAPPEN when I am awake (not dreaming)! I know its in me somewhere,

problem is I don't want to just think about girls and whether I will get them back or not seems like a sad life and a good way not to enjoy the present moment. I get so many images and instincts with stuff and I know some is just common sense, but its also a feeling. Is common sense something that is more specific to more spiritual people? I guess in a way.
And if the body, spirit and mind are the same thing then my thoughts and the messages about the future or "sixth sense" are the same.

In the book Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra he talks about Intention and Attention or basically manifesting, loa, visualising etc...

And I heard mentioned on this forum that when you get to a certain state of intention and attention it becomes one. we are the present moment and we create the present moment simultaneously. I guess I want to just filter out the unwanted noise that I create and have pure attention and focus my intention. e all have to many intentions programmed in us and i wonder how programmed my need to obsess over relationships is.

I think for this what i have found that seems to be helping is two anchors: THE NOW and THE BODY....

These are great things to keep coming back to, and I must be quick once my mind gets going its harder and harder to stop with so many needs, insights, thoughts, questions, confusion. letting go before it drags you down is so important. I used to let it take me away to easily (used to lol only had an anxiety attack day before yesterday (mini though)) recent days I am realising the importance of just kiling it before it starts. And constantly focusing on it, Its like learning to do a trick on your skateboard/rollers blades. The Now and the body are at one in these moments of pure skill.

You need balance and you don't just do it once and then skate without falling, you have to constantly attend to your balance this didn't just come naturally we had years of learning to walk as a child, which is the state our bodies and minds are in most of our lives. But balance takes constant attention, we've done it so long we don't even realise we are doing it!
And this is how it has to be with this new "trick" I am learning, and I may fall over and hurt myself over and over but I remember when i skated and you just get up dust yourself off and try again! You know there is a certain amount of pain involved and this even makes it more of a thrill, more of a game because there is really something at stake.

So this is how I must view my body/mind balance, it is really affected by the weed and drink lot less then I THINK! I have realised this from simple observation of when I smoke and when I have anxiety. Smoking only gives me anxiety attacks if I AM ALREADY ANXIOUS.. Same with drink, it just opens a door a little more for you. It can open positive doors too! But most of our moods is simply in our heads! As I said above its like 95%of our thoughts are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, a specially it seems once they solidify into words, try and grab them before the brain develops them into some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ fantasy or neeed or judgement! It really takes a lot of skill and it is like a martial are or riding a bike, driving, dancing (well), or any other physical skill that takes coordination, balance and energy. And say i have decided that body mind and spirit are inseparable and all one thing the use of exercise seems it is coming into my life again, and being creative! As these are the same thing it is all Kung Fu: (Wiki) "Its original meaning is somewhat different, referring to one's expertise in any skill achieved through hard work and practice, not necessarily martial."
Like Zen gardens one can bring a spiritual dexterousness into anything and I believe this is what needs to happen in every action every thought and every emotion. Discipline, self guidance and balance= power...

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by spacecadetglow

Hey, I read all of it. I'm in the exact same spot. I don't have any answers for you. But I do have faith that I will get "there," wherever "there" is, even if it ends up just being here, right here, all along.

Get off the forums and play some music. That's what I plan to do. Get creative. Let it out. Make a commitment to being creative every day. Us tortured soul artist-types need that.

Thank you for reading all of it! lol I didn't think anyone would be able to have the patience, and its great that we have so much in common we can really help eachother!

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

Yes. Ego's job is to generate a story about who you are and what everything is all about. When Awareness starts to move outside of that Ego generally panics. Then, of course, it will slowly adopt whatever it is that Awareness experiences and reduce it to a concept and figure out what it's all about, and call itself "enlightened".

The trick is to just let Ego be Ego and do its Ego thing, while remaining as Awareness as much as possible. Detachment, while remaining interestedly observant.


Aww, don't be too hard on it. It's just doing its job, after all. It doesn't really know any better. It's like a little terrier dog fiercely guarding its "territory" from evil threats like the invasion of the mail carrier and random people walking down the street. Annoying? Yeah, sure, but it's just doing its job as best it can.


I don't understand. What's preventing you from being in the NOW, like, you know, NOW? I suspect Ego may have some slightly peculiar idea of what being in the now actually means. It means being PRESENT, in the moment you're in, right now. If you're eating chips, really EAT them, taste them, enjoy them, notice how it feels to chew them, how it feels to swallow. If you're typing a message on a forum, be aware of the way the keys tap as you type, of how the words appear in front of you on the monitor screen, of the sounds coming from other rooms or the street or your speakers, of the posture your body is in, everything you can manage. Just be PRESENT. It does take some practice, but it doesn't require constant meditation. Well, actually, practicing presence is a kind of meditation, but not the kind people normally think of.

And this is great i am getting more faith when I hear things that let me know I am not just going insane!!!!The ego is real its not just me lol I have been mulling this over in my mind on my own for years slowly getting more and more out of touch with who I really am!
I know I should have just read more spiritual books, meditated more and most importantly seeked guidance from spiritual people that can relate to me! I was so alone, its great that I can get this stuff off my chest and talk to people about it. Not just on this forum but I have opened up and found some great spiritual people that have given me advice and faith in mankind I AM NOT ALONE! NOT THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH THESE EXPERIENCES!

:-)

[AaronB]

Originally Posted by DominicJackson

And this is great i am getting more faith when I hear things that let me know I am not just going insane!!!!The ego is real its not just me lol I have been mulling this over in my mind on my own for years slowly getting more and more out of touch with who I really am!
I know I should have just read more spiritual books, meditated more and most importantly seeked guidance from spiritual people that can relate to me! I was so alone, its great that I can get this stuff off my chest and talk to people about it. Not just on this forum but I have opened up and found some great spiritual people that have given me advice and faith in mankind I AM NOT ALONE! NOT THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH THESE EXPERIENCES!

:-)

The recognition that you are not alone is ringing a bell for you. The idea that you are not going insane gives you a sense of relief. I feel you are recognizing the validity of where you are now. This helps you to be at the experience you would call your life at this moment. As you feel more and more that your experience is like the experiences of others, this huge resistance you have to your current experience decreases some. It gives you some breathing room. To be present doesn't necessarily mean being something else, it doesn't mean seeing a new and better perception that will light up your life in some fabulous new way. It means looking at what is going on right here right now. So as long as using the technique of recognizing that other people suffer in the same way makes you more comfortable with you RIGHT NOW, then use it. You are extremely benefited by becoming aware of the you RIGHT NOW. Problems and all! Who you are is who you are. Insane or not, it doesn't matter. Like other people or not, it doesn't matter. If being like other people helps you to not fight you so viciously, recognize, recognize, recognize, that in every way you can imagine, you are just like everybody else. But in the end it doesn't matter if you are like anyone else or not. It is your constantly hitting yourself in the head with a club that's the cause of your suffering. I want to say this clearly, more clearly then I know how. Imagine if there were words I could say that really got through to you that where you are right now is perfect, so put down the club! Beating yourself up only stresses you out. Eventually you drop the club because you're too exhausted to hit yourself in the head.

Okay I've got an idea: Make a list of everything you punish yourself for, things I've noticed:
Drinking, smoking weed, doting after your x girlfriend, anxiety

Put these on the "NO MORE PUNISHMENTS ALLOWED LIST". You have already punished yourself plenty. So for these items, punishment should be considered no longer an effective remedy. You are not allowed to feel guilty for anything on this list. You could even consider this the list of things that you don't have to change. Imagine your life with everything on the list still there and then (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE MUSIC) You have to ENJOY your life anyway. Even with the whole list. You're not allowed to get rid of those things, AND you still have to find a way to enjoy your life. Doesn't it sound impossible? But it's not. In this moment (one fish two fish three fish four cats five fish and a buffalo) you were most likely thinking about fish. Your focus on fish will actually reduce your ability to focus on other problems. In that moment you forgot to worry about any of those problems. As you stop trying to fix them, you get more and more moments, like when counting fish, that are completely free and clear of trying to fix anything. Your life is already packed with moments that are not disturbing. It has to be because not even a zen monk could focus on his problems more than 8 hours a day without getting distracted many times in that time period. It's impossible because focusing on your problems wears you out to the point that you forget what your problems were anyway. So why not notice all those times in the days that you forget to worry about things.

Here's another idea: Every time you catch yourself enjoying your day for no reason at all, wonder what happened to all your problems in that moment. They litterally did not exist for you until you go and find them and start playing with them again.

When your mind wants to play with a problem, let it play to its heart content. Then notice the point when it puts the problem down. It has to because no mind is capable of holding onto the same problem for extended periods of time. Watch closely. See if your mind can hold onto the same problem for 5 minutes straight without switching to another problem.

Instead of trying to be more present, simply notice those times when you are trying to be more present, and be present to yourself trying to be more present. Being present is noticing this is where I am and this is what I'm trying to do. It's not finding a new way to do things better. It's not changing yourself in anyway. It's just looking to see where I'm at right now. What am I up to at the moment? Who do I wish I was? What new spiritual goal am I striving for that I think will bring me everlasting happiness?

[BillyTheAdult]

Aaron I just read several things in that last response that were freakin genius.

Imagine your life with everything on the list still there, and you enjoying your life anyway.

[flamingmo]

Hi again,

Getting back into making music sounds like a great idea to me. Years ago when i was on an almost nightly quest on the internet to find the source of my anxiety i read somewhere ( don't know where) that people with anxiety problems almost always have too much energy bottled up in them and if they don't use it then more often than not it manifested in panic attacks. I'm not saying it's true or it's not, but at the time it did get me thinking.

I'm not particularly creative or talented as such but i was curious about getting rid of excess energy (even though i didn't actually know wether I had any, anxiety is often about straw clutching for a solution in my experience) . So one morning, very early i was pacing the house unable to sleep and ended up by the window. The milk lorry was delivering to the nearby supermarket and without giving it too much thought i imagined an energy ball between my hands that i poured positive loving energy into. Over the next minute or so it grew bigger and brighter till finally i decided it was ready. Then i sent it to whoever was driving the truck and wished them an excellant day.

I've used that and variations of it over the years mostly to random unknown people, the 4.00 am tiny drunk man with the funny laugh. The customer that mouthed off at me at work, a local child i read about in the paper that had been run over and was in hospital. There was no method to who got it or when. It was just something i randomly did (once again, repling to you has reminded me of somethng i used to do but haven't done in a while)

Curiously, it's something i've never used on anyone i know, though i have at times used other methods for their highest good when i've felt it was appropriate.

As far as i know it's never done anyone any harm, the milk wagon still turns up every morning, the customer has, come to think of it been less grumpy (though she still hates the queen for some reason) and the kid is running round and according to my youngest daughter who now goes to school with him is the biggest douche-bag ever. (she's 12, so everyones a douche bag, especially me )

But i think it did help . You putting your energy into your music could really help you, pouring some excess energy into something your passionate about might be a really positive and uplifting thing for you. Another step towards the kind of freedom you deserve.

Go make some noise Dominic and i'll go blow some unsuspecting pedestrian up with the mother of all energy balls heh heh heh

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by AaronB

The recognition that you are not alone is ringing a bell for you. The idea that you are not going insane gives you a sense of relief. I feel you are recognizing the validity of where you are now. This helps you to be at the experience you would call your life at this moment. As you feel more and more that your experience is like the experiences of others, this huge resistance you have to your current experience decreases some. It gives you some breathing room. To be present doesn't necessarily mean being something else, it doesn't mean seeing a new and better perception that will light up your life in some fabulous new way. It means looking at what is going on right here right now. So as long as using the technique of recognizing that other people suffer in the same way makes you more comfortable with you RIGHT NOW, then use it. You are extremely benefited by becoming aware of the you RIGHT NOW. Problems and all! Who you are is who you are. Insane or not, it doesn't matter. Like other people or not, it doesn't matter. If being like other people helps you to not fight you so viciously, recognize, recognize, recognize, that in every way you can imagine, you are just like everybody else. But in the end it doesn't matter if you are like anyone else or not. It is your constantly hitting yourself in the head with a club that's the cause of your suffering. I want to say this clearly, more clearly then I know how. Imagine if there were words I could say that really got through to you that where you are right now is perfect, so put down the club! Beating yourself up only stresses you out. Eventually you drop the club because you're too exhausted to hit yourself in the head.

Okay I've got an idea: Make a list of everything you punish yourself for, things I've noticed:
Drinking, smoking weed, doting after your x girlfriend, anxiety

Put these on the "NO MORE PUNISHMENTS ALLOWED LIST". You have already punished yourself plenty. So for these items, punishment should be considered no longer an effective remedy. You are not allowed to feel guilty for anything on this list. You could even consider this the list of things that you don't have to change. Imagine your life with everything on the list still there and then (MISSION IMPOSSIBLE MUSIC) You have to ENJOY your life anyway. Even with the whole list. You're not allowed to get rid of those things, AND you still have to find a way to enjoy your life. Doesn't it sound impossible? But it's not. In this moment (one fish two fish three fish four cats five fish and a buffalo) you were most likely thinking about fish. Your focus on fish will actually reduce your ability to focus on other problems. In that moment you forgot to worry about any of those problems. As you stop trying to fix them, you get more and more moments, like when counting fish, that are completely free and clear of trying to fix anything. Your life is already packed with moments that are not disturbing. It has to be because not even a zen monk could focus on his problems more than 8 hours a day without getting distracted many times in that time period. It's impossible because focusing on your problems wears you out to the point that you forget what your problems were anyway. So why not notice all those times in the days that you forget to worry about things.

Here's another idea: Every time you catch yourself enjoying your day for no reason at all, wonder what happened to all your problems in that moment. They litterally did not exist for you until you go and find them and start playing with them again.

When your mind wants to play with a problem, let it play to its heart content. Then notice the point when it puts the problem down. It has to because no mind is capable of holding onto the same problem for extended periods of time. Watch closely. See if your mind can hold onto the same problem for 5 minutes straight without switching to another problem.

Instead of trying to be more present, simply notice those times when you are trying to be more present, and be present to yourself trying to be more present. Being present is noticing this is where I am and this is what I'm trying to do. It's not finding a new way to do things better. It's not changing yourself in anyway. It's just looking to see where I'm at right now. What am I up to at the moment? Who do I wish I was? What new spiritual goal am I striving for that I think will bring me everlasting happiness?

thank you aaron. only thingis with some of the health problems i am having I find it hard not to try and look at my life style as the source of some of these problems.. I am following you advice though :-)

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by flamingmo

Hi again,

Getting back into making music sounds like a great idea to me. Years ago when i was on an almost nightly quest on the internet to find the source of my anxiety i read somewhere ( don't know where) that people with anxiety problems almost always have too much energy bottled up in them and if they don't use it then more often than not it manifested in panic attacks. I'm not saying it's true or it's not, but at the time it did get me thinking.

I'm not particularly creative or talented as such but i was curious about getting rid of excess energy (even though i didn't actually know wether I had any, anxiety is often about straw clutching for a solution in my experience) . So one morning, very early i was pacing the house unable to sleep and ended up by the window. The milk lorry was delivering to the nearby supermarket and without giving it too much thought i imagined an energy ball between my hands that i poured positive loving energy into. Over the next minute or so it grew bigger and brighter till finally i decided it was ready. Then i sent it to whoever was driving the truck and wished them an excellant day.

I've used that and variations of it over the years mostly to random unknown people, the 4.00 am tiny drunk man with the funny laugh. The customer that mouthed off at me at work, a local child i read about in the paper that had been run over and was in hospital. There was no method to who got it or when. It was just something i randomly did (once again, repling to you has reminded me of somethng i used to do but haven't done in a while)

Curiously, it's something i've never used on anyone i know, though i have at times used other methods for their highest good when i've felt it was appropriate.

As far as i know it's never done anyone any harm, the milk wagon still turns up every morning, the customer has, come to think of it been less grumpy (though she still hates the queen for some reason) and the kid is running round and according to my youngest daughter who now goes to school with him is the biggest douche-bag ever. (she's 12, so everyones a douche bag, especially me )

But i think it did help . You putting your energy into your music could really help you, pouring some excess energy into something your passionate about might be a really positive and uplifting thing for you. Another step towards the kind of freedom you deserve.

Go make some noise Dominic and i'll go blow some unsuspecting pedestrian up with the mother of all energy balls heh heh heh

yeah man!! wicked :-)
I think our right about the energy thing.. everything really started going wrong when i stopped being creative and heving an output! All that thought energy bouncing around inside me!
Thanks :-)

[DominicJackson]

Originally Posted by CaterpillarWoman

The trick is to just let Ego be Ego and do its Ego thing, while remaining as Awareness as much as possible. Detachment, while remaining interestedly observant.

I like this.. I was just thinking that we ARE our ego.. everything is one so yes let it be.. we just control it and thats easy its like foolin a small child ...

Like the balance post I put up previously, very simple just keep practising balancing! Just got to remember who is on control and how do we WANT to feel!?!?!?

[flamingmo]

You sound like you're on the up Dominic. Soon you'll be able to put another link at the bottom of your posts that says "how i got it back"

There's an old saying "if you can't be a good example then you'll just be the horrible warning!!!."

I think you'll be an excellant example and having got yourself through it all a lot of people around you will benefit from your experience.

You're doing it Dominic.......pe proud of yourself

best wishes

vicky

[DominicJackson]

thank you :-)
eventually would be great to help people that are/were going through what I was? I was so alone it didn't seem like anyone would understand what I was going through, wish I found this forum sooner before I acted like such a dick for years, but everything happens for a reason right?
Yeah I am finding it again a bit lol

[DominicJackson]

I meditated today only for 5 mins or something and have felt different ever since.
I am still focusing or wanting my ex to much, but I am not going to feel bad about it. I feel like maybe I just want her to be happy and meet someone that can give her everything I couldn't.
When I meditated I couldn't help getting images of her in my mind, specially when I focused my attention on my third eye, I got some erotic images and felt sexually aroused for the first time in ages without physical interaction.
I want to know which images I see are just what I want and which ones are messages from reality showing me things. What images are my guides and which ones are just me wanting things.
I know I do want certain things out of life and this will effect what I am thinking, but I also know when I don't want things I still get images about them and sometimes they are right. If I focus my attention on my ex and maybe her being with someone that does make her happy I am not sure if that person is me and I just feel separated because it is a me that is not the me I am now, but a different me, one that is stronger and ready to give and receive all the love in the world for anyone. So strong that the past problems with me and my ex are nothing, they pale in comparison to the moment I see where things are so firmly alive and rooted in that moment. The lust and pain and need of the past is gone, only the pure happines of that moment exists.

Is this a dream that will never happen? Is it something I can create with my magic and attention/intention ie: MANIFEST.

How powerful is my ability to manifest and how should I start? is manifesting a small meeting with my ex that hard? Something that can just prove the love we both feel free of the pain we felt? Well she still does feel much pain I spoke to her, she feels like she will never be able to let go.

All I can do is meditate make myself feel connected to the near infinite possibilities of life. I get images of a beautiful oriental girl I might meet one day and the close love that could be possible now I am shedding the hate I felt for years. But I don't want this image as much as the one of my ex as I know this is more possible. Lol. That is stupid as it is most probably less possible really. I just feel it in my heart, you know that feeling you get when its christmas? That lovely warm feeling of love and happiness in your chest? Well i get that and a string of images of me close to my ex and we are so happy and warm together, we sit in similar scenarios as we used to but the awkward pain is gone and its so nice to feel the pressure and confusion fall away to just BE. Together, close and warm, snuggling.

Can I use this to break down the pain between us? She so recently said she couldn't go back and I said it would be forward not back. This is pain that is still so fresh to her. So I understand that space needs to be involved, but I also understand that pain needs to be healed. PAIN NEEDS TO BE HEALED. (big lesson I have learnt it dont just go away you got to work on it and heal it).
So how can I at least begin to heal this damaged relationship?
Seth told me to focus my love chakra on the relationship as it is a being of its own. The thing is when I think of the relationship between us I just feel love and pure bliss. I feel so happy and in love with that feeling, does this mean I am not focusing right? Shouldn't I feel the damage I did and feel some pain?
The thing is it was not me doing the damage, I was not in the driving seat at all. So it is very hard for me to feel that. I just feel so much love now, that I want to cry. So I am focusing on projecting that to my ex, and healing energy to her and our relationship. The relationship that never happened, that never grew naturally, to the thing that never was and always wanted to be, to that is my love given, to healing and creating the bond that should have been.

Suddenly I feel stupid and start to doubt my intention, will this not push her away? Creating that bond is that to much? I mean even just in my body focusing too much on that is that going to push her away the same way I have by texting her all the time? And telling her I loved her to much?

I understand that telling someone you love them when they are not sure just pushes them away more, this is what she did to me for 3 years I kept saying I needed space and she kept getting scared and coming closer with her love and it would freak me out and make me feel like I was backed into a corner.

I'm kinda guessing that it does not work the same way in the spiritual realm? I mean focusing pure love and care at the bond between us will not have that negative effect on her pushing her away like she did to me in the physical realm? I don't see how it could, when I am so positively focusing it on the relationship, not what I NEED but what i KNOW IS RIGHT... Its not like a previous girlfriend when we broke up and I wanted her back for years, that was so much lust or dark lust I think seth called it. This is nothing like that and when sexual things come into my mind I do like them and agree it might be nice, but I know the BOND is so much more important and I want the bind before anything sexual because that was just weird when we did that for years (talking about present ex now). I just kept trying to get pleasure out of the relationship in the most lazy easy way, which is sexual and with material gifts, not wholesome stuff like meeting her family or being there for her when she needed me.
So I want to focus on this bond as it is most important and makes me feel the best and will make her feel the best if she could feel it, which I hope she does somehow right now maybe she is thinking of me or feeling like a part of her misses me (in a good way) as I have sent this out into the universe towards her, and she maybe picks this up in a way and feels good to a degree. Or just one thing a a time she might start to forgive me and heal the damage I have done to her.

To me things are not all lost, sure she said she could never stop being angry about the relationship but i know she can as she did many times during it when we got back together sometimes after i had done really bad things. It was just because she loved me. I am listening to her but I know there are still feelings there for me, she wouldn't still be so hurt about it after 5 months or however long its been.The key is to let it happen natural, once we are together in a nice setting like out at a museum or something, once we get on well basically I know that the feelings she has will re imerge.

Maybe this is not so specific to my ex but just an easy way for me to start showing love to the world. She could just meet someone else and be really happy and if i put all my faith into this then what will hapen to me? i guess because I have trained up and created that love I can then project it to others like my mum and friends and potential loves I meet. I guess the important thing is that I have that love now that I am able to project somewhere, even to myself? And that is after 5 mins of meditation?!?!? And I haven't even practised much! lol

Be great to have some helpful hints and tips on where I am going wrong with this post and my feelings and intention. If anyone has the time :-)

Thank you god for providing this forum for me to speak my soul out into the world and for there to be great spiritual people able to understand and give me help..
Thank you god and all those of you out there i connect with on a day to day level and the interaction we have.
thank you
I am feeling so much love right now its great only problem is I look like a bit of a zombie and interacting verbally is not one of my skills these days.
well maybe when I get a bit more of a handle I can relate on a physical level with people a bit more..
bless x

[Josee]

Hi Dominick Jackson- cool name.
Your posts were lively and interesting and enjoyable to read. A lot of awareness in them too.
You mentioned The Power of Now- and not reading it all.
You might want to read it all. In the book there are portals that can be more effective than meditation. Exits from mind identification.

[DominicJackson]

thanks man ..
just venting and getting some great friends helping me out too :-0

Today I just feel like giving up my addictions: weed, tobacco, Alcohol and possibly coffee.

I have been looking through my mind and the restraints stopping me from giving up at least the smoking (Alcohol never been to much of a problem) are a few:

1) Fear of not doing it

2) "All my friends do it and they seem to be ok?"

So fear is my biggest enemy for me the last few years have all been about fear, intimacy anxiety, social anxiety, depression, major major STRESS to the point I lost quite a lot of hair :-(

So this is my old time enemy rearing its head again trying to stop me from being in CONTROL! And I know the best way around this fear is CHALLENGING it. Its like cleaning up around your mind, doing some recycling and taking out the trash. You have to look the thought of fear up and down and question ever facet of its construction, it soon comes tumbling down specially when you have obvious heath issues in body and mind like I do. So i looked at WHY am I so scared of giving up smoking? A feeling of LOSS? Feeling NOT INCLUDED SOCIALLY? So not only are these both really stupid reasons but they pale in comparison to the reasons for giving up smoking:
LIVE LONGER
BE HEALTHYER
GET YOUR MOJO BACK
ENOJOY SEX MORE
BE MORE CONFIDENT
LOOK BETTER
ENJOY LIFE MORE
HAVE MORE MONEY
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE MORE
FEEL FREE
HAVE RESPECT FOR YOUR SELF
LESS DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

So how long would the feeling of loss last? 20 mins maybe if you let it? And how long would that feeling keep coming back? Two weeks? Most of the cravings for cigs go in a few days? So whats the problem?
Another thing is the social separation? What is that about if anything i think i will feel more connected to my friends on a deeper level if i wasn't stoned all the time and feeling down about my health problems? And think of how happy everyone else would be to see you healthy? Happy and friendly?

I think it falls away easily if you THINK about it and de construct the fear and ignorance that supports that most deadly and selfish habit!

Its not so hard for me because I just think of the relationships ruined, opportunities lost and money thrown away because of my weed addiction. And it doesn't really make me feel GOOD anymore?!? i just get a bit panicy and think to much, get paranoid... Lazy and my brain stops functioning properly... Sometimes it makes me feel good but I really just want to feel like that all the time not only when I suck some combusted plant matter into my lungs? i remember when i gave up for 4 months ad I felt great I had more tolerance to other people and more love for people, when I started again it was just because I had it all around me so it is hard for me.
Everyone I know smokes weed and fags well nearly. Well just have to be stronger that that. Just remember how ♥♥♥♥♥♥ it makes me feel..
Kinda trailed of there lol....

Any way good health and lots of love here I come!! **** smoking its lame :-(

[DominicJackson]

Ok so one thing at a time. WEED first
weed has been the bane of my life for so many years. Stopping me from enjoying things, making me selfish and intolerant. Helped to destroy the best relationship of my life. **** weed.

I am just trying to rebuild now, I want my ex back I want my life back I should have had, I want my friends back that I slagged off on my own with a spliff playing computer games calling htem all loosers. lol

The classic one finger points forwards three point back saying is the best!!

So true especially when it comes to drug abuse, we feel; so out of control we can't pin point the source of the pain or the one responsible so point at others. Realizing it is all our own fault if just too much to deal with as we must then move past our comfort zone we created and get our balls out and be a man/woman!

So many excuses and problems created to hide the real problems. Your not good enough for me, everyone is a looser, I am better than you!, drugs are good for you, I am not happy so I will take more drugs, I am happy when I am on drugs, I dont care so I will take drugs, my life sucks so I need drugs to help, the world is **** drugs make it more fun.... etc....

Yes all the excuses in the world to keep your little selfish ego happy..

Doesn't matter who gets injured in the process especially yourself, you can beat yourself up about it as much as you like, infact that is the one you are really damaging and permanantly too. Physically, mentally, spirituall everything....

I am at work and must start soon but I want to talk about my meeting with my ex too..

Funny whenever I decide to give up weed something nice happens the synchronicity has always been there its just wether you listen to it!
Always get a reward for giving up weed, the univers is our friend so dont ignore it otherwise you end up an empty core with nothing like me for 10 years (last 3 were the worst)..

So at least I am learning finally and I can maybe re piece my liife back togethr and be greatfull I have stuff left in my life not like a heroin addict or crack addict it could have been worse...
loove and peace..
xxx

[DominicJackson]

Am I really responsible for how I feel 24 hours a day now?
I am practicing feeloing good and it is wokring? So who am I now if nothing and everything can make me feel good/bad?
Do I have to constantly pay attention to my feelings and focus on feeling god otherwise I will fall back into pain, anxiety and depressin?
I guess after a while I will have trained my brain to think mainly good thoughts and it wont be such a struggle...
Its strange but I have thought when I felt good that I am just being arrogant? And its ego?
For my whole life.
Anxiety seems to just happen naturally for me, so no wonder I have been in hell since my birth of awarness, I have let my mind carry on in the same manner it is acustomed to.
So now time to reprogramme, I need my creativity back, I always used weed to get creative before otherwise I didn't want to sit on my own getting creative, I found it boring.
Thing is I know I can recreate feelings stoned in my head anyway, and who knows one day when I feel strong and back to myself maybe I will start smoking again for fun or recreationally or maybe when I am being creative. Just when I am not stoned like say the day after, or for a week after it does take away motivation and make me grumpy. I have snapped at people and been like that so many times it makes me very wary...
But back to the point, it I controll what I feel good about, what do I like? What do I want to do now? Who am I?
I know who I was and I want to be him again but so much more. Just to be obsessed with creativity and positivity! So how do I programme that back into me? Where to start? Fostering creativity seems so hard now, its a massive effort, scary and disturbing for me?! I want to do what I WANT!
I want to be cool with everything and do what I need to do and want to, have energy and be enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is so lacking for me ...
HELP.
well only I can help I guess.
I will help myself.

[spacecadetglow]

Just pick up your instrument and start playing. That should help things along. Too much thinking, not enough doing, Dom.