Giving Away My Darkness

[Cat Dancer]

In his recent blog entry on Polarity, Steve says effectiveness comes from choosing a polarity: receiving or giving.

I've tried both. I was once in a business startup with a bunch of receivers. I tried out aligning myself with that energy, getting in charge, wheeling in dealing, going after money. It was a disaster. I was miserable. The business was a failure. And neither I nor they were wrong, but we didn't mix. They could and did go off and pursue life in a receiving way and they were successful. I left them and pursued life in a giving way and I've been fine. Either way works, but like Steve says it just doesn't work to combine the two.

I am not, I think, a selfless or altruistic person. I meet altruistic people, who make great sacrifices to go to Africa to fight AIDS, or who reduce their income and living expenses so much that they pay no income taxes so that they aren't contributing to war. I respect and admire these people. They seem happier to me than most people I meet who are living the "American dream" of getting a mortgage to buy a house and are in debt for school and a car. But I make no sacrifices to help others.

I am not altruistic. I have a large ego. I carry a lot of anger. I desire to dominate.

And I'm living in a mode of giving out to the universe, not seeking to take.

So what do I do?

I give it all away.

Here is the logo from my web site:



This is my ego. My ego thinks I'm important. That I'm special. That I'm fiery, hot, exciting.

I say to my ego: "fine. You think I'm so special, I'll make you a logo. I'll put you up on my web site."

I give it away.

When I'm angry, I go out and dance and release my anger out of me.

I get widely varying reactions to my dance. Some people think it's stupid, and they give me insults. Other people think it's awesome, and give me extravagant praise. They say, "we love you! Please keep dancing forever!"

If I were altruistic, perhaps I would dance more, seek out people who liked my dance, help make them happy with my dance.

But I don't. On some level, I don't even care what kind of reaction I get, whether people like it or hate it, as long as I get a reaction. I want people to be reacting to me, to be paying attention to me, to be responding to my actions.

If I were amoral, I think I could just as well be happy as a torturer and get a reaction that way. Fortunately for my neighbors, I am not a psychopath.

So what do I do?

I give my dance away.

On my web site, I say that I come dance when summoned. If you want me to dance for you, and it's not too far or too inconvenient, I will come dance.

People usually make a big deal out of this. They call me and say, "oh my god, we're having a birthday party, and there's going to a bunch of people here, and everyone really wants to see you dance, and would you please please please come?"

And I say, "ok".

For me, it doesn't have to be a big deal. It doesn't have to be a party, a big event, lots of people. All I want is one person, one person who is engaged, affected by my dance. The funny thing is, often at the party there is only one person who is really engaged, the person who invited me, who wanted to see me dance, even if they were thinking it would be a special treat for the others. Most everyone else watch passively, like they were watching television.

For my desire to dominate, I practice BDSM. I'm a heterosexual, so my partner needs to be a woman, and I need to find her attractive, and she needs to not be a smoker, and I'm lazy enough so I don't travel large distances for people. But if the various conditions are met, my domination becomes a gift.

In regular, everyday life, you need to be careful. You can't just flail out at random, you might hit a wall and hurt yourself, or hit someone else and hurt them. But when I dominate a woman, for that time she can relax. It's like an amusement park ride. You choose to take the ride, and then you're stuck in the ride. You can scream your lungs out if you want to, or sit there like a lump, or love it or hate it. But whatever you do, you're going to be there in that ride until it reaches the end. When I dominate a woman, she can hate me, or struggle, or try to escape, or curse me, or act like a lump and fall asleep. She can do whatever she wants. She doesn't have to be "nice". She doesn't have to be thinking about my reaction to her reaction, do I like what she's doing or not. It can be very freeing for her, and it's an experience I give as a gift.

People often think I'm going somewhere. They see me dance, and say I'm going to be big. They imagine that I'm going to be on stage, giving performances to big crowds, on television, and I'll have thousands of fans. But what they don't understand is that I don't dance in order to get somewhere. I'm there dancing on the corner of the street because in that moment I feel like dancing. And I don't particularly want to hear about how they think I'm going to be doing something else. They're not paying attention to my dance, now, today, the dance that I'm doing, they're stranding there imagining that I'm going to be doing something else, somewhere else, that they think is better. F--- them.

Some people reading this might think that by giving my darkness away, I might be going somewhere. I might be becoming a better person. I might become less angry, more altruistic. I might become a lightworker. Or with my desire for attention, a darkworker. Or something else. I don't know. But that is not my purpose, not my motivation. All I want to do is give. Just now, as I was typing the words, "all I want to do is give", I broke into sobs. I don't give because I think it might help people, or they might like it, or it might make the world a better place, or I might be happier, or I might become a better person. Selfish or selfless, I don't know, all I want is to be a conduit from my inside to the outside, and let everything flow out.

[Cat Dancer]

I had said:

Originally Posted by Cat Dancer

People often think I'm going somewhere. They see me dance, and say I'm going to be big. They imagine that I'm going to be on stage, giving performances to big crowds, on television, and I'll have thousands of fans. [...] they're stranding there imagining that I'm going to be doing something else, somewhere else, that they think is better. F--- them.

Wow, talk about rejecting a gift the universe is giving you, huh?



Writing this stuff down is a powerful method of self discovery.

[DoAnyOfYouExist]

************ man I thought I was a nutter.

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by DoAnyOfYouExist

************ man I thought I was a nutter.

Te he, I added this to my insults page!

Insults

[DoAnyOfYouExist]

You are a weird dude and a nutter but I never said I didn't like you, and I didn't mean it as an insult. Lots of people think I am a nutter and I think thats just because they refuse to see. I was just poking a little fun at you as I am a tad jealous of your free spirit Much love my cat bro.

[Narz]

I love my ego so much, cat.

The more "spiritual" people I meet the more I love myself.

The more proclaimed "altruistic" people I met the more I realize I got to put myself first (and the more I realize I'd rather live with eight honest selfish people than one annoying do-gooder).

Don't get me wrong, I haven't made a religion out of it like Ms. Rand or anything but I have developed a healthy amorality. I do what I want, I help who I want, I help myself first. I don't love all beings and all beings don't love me.

Anyone who claims to love me (a stranger on the Internet) equaly to their son or daughter deserves to have their kid taken from them. I don't have any kids yet but I know, when I do, I'd kill you all to save my son or daughter's life.

That's just the way it goes down. Nature is red in tooth and claw and we are nature. We're living in a blessed period but when the effects of global warming, overpopulation and petroleum depleting start hitting the fan those who know how to handle and enjoy a world with limited resources will dominate.

For anyone who's gasping in horror at my post. Think about this - what is the environmental impact for animals and aother humans (especially those in the 3rd world) of you're trying to manifest your McMansion and your new sports car? Just because you remain ignorant of the consequences of such materialism doesn't mean it's harmless.

Lightworker, darkworker, it's a load of crap. Whatever makes you feel better than the average schmo I guess.

Love (conditional) to you all!

Cheers,
Narz

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by DoAnyOfYouExist

You are a weird dude and a nutter but I never said I didn't like you, and I didn't mean it as an insult. Lots of people think I am a nutter and I think thats just because they refuse to see. I was just poking a little fun at you as I am a tad jealous of your free spirit Much love my cat bro.

My love to you too!

I think insults are a great gift. What is my greatest fear? That if I reveal my innermost self, people will reject me, and that rejection will hurt more than anything because it will be my true self that they are rejecting. But when I actually do get insulted, it's nothing. No pain at all. The great monster I had feared so much turns out to be just a shadow on the wall, nothing at all. And my fear goes away.

So even though you didn't mean it as an insult, I took it as a gift of an insult anyway, because it helps me. And besides, people really enjoy reading my insults page

[Cat Dancer]

That post was a bit of a brain dump. Some things I hadn't realized I felt came out when I wrote it.

I now realize that I'm in training. The things I'm doing now aren't important in and of themselves, but I learn how to deal with rejection when I do things that no one else is doing.

[Simmiah]

Unfortunately I don't have an original phrase but here goes:

Wow, you have a great amount of balls to be so free Props to you. I can't even karaoke in front of strangers hmm. let alone dance... I tried "free dancing" one time & my ex-friend made fun of me so I stopped dancing.

If you were located nearer I'd have you at a party sometime but you're not. Anyways, interesting dancing.

[dorothy hanna]

Only those standing in the light, cast a shadow.

[ken nubo]

I think you're overanalzying.

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by dorothy hanna

Only those standing in the light, cast a shadow.

Wow, I like that a lot!