Find Myself . . . I beg you

[Illkarma]

Hail all,

I typed what is my life purpose into google after laying face down on my keyboard for about 3 months. I came to the How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes page. Decided to give it a go. I do believe in a life purpose. Unfortunately the only thing that made me want to cry is that nothing made me want to cry. i wrote and wrote until i couldnt think of anything else. i will try again.

Ive done a lot of things. ive worked so many jobs been in the military deployed three times. been to culinary school worked more random jobs. had lots of money and had no money. had addictions to alcohol pot and video games. lived straight edge and everything in between. im 27. the typical life story.

I recognize the difference between my ego and myself. My last job was a strip club manager i was making about $8,000 a month. i could only pull it off for about 3 months. I was like seriously there has to be something more important. it ate me up inside how little intellect it took to do the job and how little creativity and honesty there was involved. i came to loath the men who would come in and get drunk and be like "oh man you have the greatest job ever" I would put my fake smile on and be like yeah it sure is swell. In this economy how could anyone give up that easy cash. how could i stay there and watch this spectacle i felt bad for everyone the customers and the dancers. when i saw the men around the stages with there beer bottles going "ohhhhh loook at her" i would mentally see a movie of like men in the medieval times eating off a bone and grunting spilling beer on each other and taking advantage of women. it made me sick.

Ive dreamed about giving up all my possessions (which arent much anymore because ive already downsized once) and going for a walk to i dont know where. it seems exciting for a bit and then fades as with every single idea i have. i could do this i could do that woo hooo then about a week later im like eh thats lame. I can only afford about one more month of bills and im completely out of money and i dont care enough to do anything about it. Im down but im still optimistic. i know i have a path and even now im on it some how.

I originally quit my job because i was like ok this is it. Im going to meditate every day. Im going to discover myself. Im going to read these books on the ego, lightworking, reiki, chakras, and divine guidance etc., "im really going to figure out what it is i want to do for real this time" i kept saying. first i got addicted to world of warcraft again for about a month playing 12-18 hours a day every day. until my internal "WTF ARE YOU DOING" went off and i began to get extremely angry and smash things. so i gave that up. i havent drank or smoked in ages and nothing could make me go back to that no matter how bad i percieve anything. but with no addictions i still just sat and did nothing.

i know its all about perception and all i have to do is change my mind. but i continue to just sit and not go deep with in. i dont interact with anyone. im sick of the routine all my friends are in. WORK - BAR - TV. it seems like thats all anyone does. i cant stand it. I WANT PROFOUND MEANING AND EPIC ADVENTURE. yet i sit and sit and sit and sit. ive come to understand what distracts the mind. so i actually sit with the tv and computer off. and do absolutely nothing. although im not really stuck and i know all i have to do is decide on "something", for the love of god anything . . . i dont i just sit. maybe its part of the plan for me to allow my current life situation to dissolve so something new can blossom.

this is why its confusing to me why i should even write this post. if everything is all part of the plan what is there to worry about, ponder about, think about ever. everything is going to happen the way its supposed to. i guess.

i could have written so much more but really its just making the illusion into a solid problem that takes on a life of its own.

all in all i have had a great life. i am grateful but im not in motion and that hurts.

love you all
I like to speed type so i dont concern my self with proper grammar sorry.