Find Myself . . . I beg you

[Illkarma]

Hail all,

I typed what is my life purpose into google after laying face down on my keyboard for about 3 months. I came to the How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes page. Decided to give it a go. I do believe in a life purpose. Unfortunately the only thing that made me want to cry is that nothing made me want to cry. i wrote and wrote until i couldnt think of anything else. i will try again.

Ive done a lot of things. ive worked so many jobs been in the military deployed three times. been to culinary school worked more random jobs. had lots of money and had no money. had addictions to alcohol pot and video games. lived straight edge and everything in between. im 27. the typical life story.

I recognize the difference between my ego and myself. My last job was a strip club manager i was making about $8,000 a month. i could only pull it off for about 3 months. I was like seriously there has to be something more important. it ate me up inside how little intellect it took to do the job and how little creativity and honesty there was involved. i came to loath the men who would come in and get drunk and be like "oh man you have the greatest job ever" I would put my fake smile on and be like yeah it sure is swell. In this economy how could anyone give up that easy cash. how could i stay there and watch this spectacle i felt bad for everyone the customers and the dancers. when i saw the men around the stages with there beer bottles going "ohhhhh loook at her" i would mentally see a movie of like men in the medieval times eating off a bone and grunting spilling beer on each other and taking advantage of women. it made me sick.

Ive dreamed about giving up all my possessions (which arent much anymore because ive already downsized once) and going for a walk to i dont know where. it seems exciting for a bit and then fades as with every single idea i have. i could do this i could do that woo hooo then about a week later im like eh thats lame. I can only afford about one more month of bills and im completely out of money and i dont care enough to do anything about it. Im down but im still optimistic. i know i have a path and even now im on it some how.

I originally quit my job because i was like ok this is it. Im going to meditate every day. Im going to discover myself. Im going to read these books on the ego, lightworking, reiki, chakras, and divine guidance etc., "im really going to figure out what it is i want to do for real this time" i kept saying. first i got addicted to world of warcraft again for about a month playing 12-18 hours a day every day. until my internal "WTF ARE YOU DOING" went off and i began to get extremely angry and smash things. so i gave that up. i havent drank or smoked in ages and nothing could make me go back to that no matter how bad i percieve anything. but with no addictions i still just sat and did nothing.

i know its all about perception and all i have to do is change my mind. but i continue to just sit and not go deep with in. i dont interact with anyone. im sick of the routine all my friends are in. WORK - BAR - TV. it seems like thats all anyone does. i cant stand it. I WANT PROFOUND MEANING AND EPIC ADVENTURE. yet i sit and sit and sit and sit. ive come to understand what distracts the mind. so i actually sit with the tv and computer off. and do absolutely nothing. although im not really stuck and i know all i have to do is decide on "something", for the love of god anything . . . i dont i just sit. maybe its part of the plan for me to allow my current life situation to dissolve so something new can blossom.

this is why its confusing to me why i should even write this post. if everything is all part of the plan what is there to worry about, ponder about, think about ever. everything is going to happen the way its supposed to. i guess.

i could have written so much more but really its just making the illusion into a solid problem that takes on a life of its own.

all in all i have had a great life. i am grateful but im not in motion and that hurts.

love you all
I like to speed type so i dont concern my self with proper grammar sorry.

[Maguru]

Feeling lost is not a nice place to be. Is it part of the process? I don't know. I do see you have conflict within. You feel stuck but say you know you aren't. You say you have a purpose but don't. You have a great life but it hurts. They contradict each other and this is going on inside you.

Try to be confident of your truth whether it's ying or yang. You're sending out mixed messages and you will just get mixed messages in return. They seems like riddles. I often found myself solving these riddles only to realize I was creating them. In the end I realized it isn't what you do, it is who you are being, no matter what you are doing, that counts. This is how you can find yourself. warmest regards.

[Illkarma]

Thank You.

[ethereal]

The main thing about spiritual teachings given in books is that they talk about things in two different levels -- the relative, in which we live in, and the Absolute, in which things are in truth (but we aren't there yet).

this is why its confusing to me why i should even write this post. if everything is all part of the plan what is there to worry about, ponder about, think about ever. everything is going to happen the way its supposed to. i guess.

This is part of the Absolute view. And it's also not entirely true, there is no "supposed to" in Reality. Things are as they are, and happen as they happen. There is no plan, that label is projected onto Reality.

We live in the relative world, and the guiding principles which we live our lives need to be based on the relative. In the relative world, there is free will, there is choice, our decisions matter, other people are real, the world is real, etc. Many of Steve's blog articles may be extremely helpful for you, to get your life back on track. If everything just happened as it is supposed to happen, none of those articles would be helpful or needed.

Meditation is a wonderful thing, but it needs to be grounded in a balanced and well-ordered life. If you are internally balanced then the externals may not matter as much. But it seems like you aren't internally nor externally balanced at this point in time. So I suggest getting both of them in order, starting with the external (it's easier). Only then will you make speedy spiritual progress.

As for discovering your purpose...something that might be helpful is to remember all the times that you cried before in the past. Those all are mini-surges of emotion that may be pieces of the puzzle. Even crying about nothing making you cry, points to something -- perhaps that things aren't meant to be this way, that good should triumph, that life should be joyful, that life should have meaning, etc.

If you still can't find your purpose, just borrow the ones that the Great Avatars of history have proposed -- salvation, enlightenment, liberation. This is equivalent to finding yourself, your true Self, which is God.

Best of luck to you! Hope you find what you are looking for.

[Barboor]

Shift your focus. Stop looking and waiting and try to let it flow. Ask your self what do you reallyy want in life? How do you want to live. Any thought image or anything that pops into ur head right it down. Its not an easy question.

Dont freeze the confusion or u keep manifesting the confusion. Let you emotions flow, let them be in ''motion'' and see if they have something to teach you. I really hope the best for you and thats from the bottom of my heart.

Heres a quote i also found helpful
''To find out what you want, figure out everything you dont want, and youll wind up with what you need'' ~ momo

[DerekMB]

Maybe in order to have profound meaning and epic adventure you have to be proficient in some other things first. That's the way I look at it at least. I try to start with smaller things first and go from there. Usually I might start a project and feel good about it after a couple weeks then move on to something else. Meditation and excercise are two that are ongoing but the point is proficiency and capability-self developement. It sounds to me like you want to be a guru or something right off the bat. I would recommend you make a list of things you want to do or excell/improve at then start with the smallest/easiest things until you work your way through the whole list. Mostly it seems like you are getting cought up in too many details and intricacies and it sounds as if you want to rush everything and do everything right away when really you should at least consider that you might have a few months of personal development work to do at the very least (as I think most people do). Otherwise, I don't know if any of this resonates with you but this is what I did & it allowed me to make some really cool and positive improvements on myself.

[Mynder]

Can you think of something that would make you feel good, feel at peace with yourself? Maybe helping others in some way would give you a sense of purpose?

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Illkarma

. . i dont i just sit. maybe its part of the plan for me to allow my current life situation to dissolve so something new can blossom.

You'd be surprised how many epiphanies have come to those who have done what you're doing!

Just relax, don't force the issue and something will reveal itself. Maybe you've just been too active to allow a new pattern of thinking.

[Tanja]

Originally Posted by Illkarma

yet i sit and sit and sit and sit.

I read this sentence but all I could see nonetheless was you running, in your mind towards something, away from the now.
As someone suggested, try to meditate, acknowledge how you feel about different areas of your life, accept the way you feel and where you are now, ask yourself why you feel/react the way you do, write down what you don't want as someone also mentioned, and maybe for a moment simply stop looking for the purpose. You're in this state of confusion, but in order to see your purpose, try letting all those thoughts flying around in your mind quiet down.
This is, at least, how I would go about it, I hope you find what works best for you.

[Illkarma]

thank you all. not only have you all been a great help. but i discovered about a million things in one night hahah. I dont have much time to type because im heading out but i have found one thing. ENTHUSIASM. i read 10 reasons not to get a job and living consciously through the links on these pages. pretty much an answer to all my prayers. it was great. i love the you can live like a mouse or live like a man attitude. pretty much everything you all said is a help. im just really excited right now. im ready to take charge and live for myself instead of trying to follow. ill talk to you all more later.
thanks again.