Losing my mind

[TiffyLove]

This past week or so has seemed to be a bit insane for me.

I feel as if I am losing my mind.

It's almost like watching my mind battle, my ego vs spirit/god/love whatever you want to call it.

Before I would just act from either, now I am watching it go on and have become so aware of my thoughts and feelings. My sensitivity has increased to everything, including what I put into my body, sleep, exercise, thoughts, words, etc...

Before this happened I felt pretty stable and loved where I was headed. But this past week and half has me twisted. If this is my brain rewiring or in the midst of my "flowers" having as much strength or over powering my "weeds" mentally, well this transition process is crazy.

There is no drama around it. I don't have any self pity or don't feel I am being a victim about it. I just think this is a wild ride and wonder if anyone else has experienced this.

PS. I have been learning about the mind, quantum physics, my spirituality, personal development, etc. for years now. But recently I have been having insights like crazy and my life seems to have a feeling of being uprooted, I have no idea where it is headed. Exciting and scary, I just wish it would get on with it! Out of transition and into the "other side" of life (living from love and god). Right now I am observing the battle and the ups and downs (which I haven't experience such fluctuation in years). Thank goodness its without drama and I can just observe it.

Example one day I feel so confident trusting the universe that great things will happen in all areas of my life, I get excited feeling free and a feeling I can't explain.
The next day or even moments later I am scared and become aware of my thoughts of "life manipulation", (ie. If I do this, then this, I should say this, then maybe this)
And then later I move back to faith in love and the universe.

Maybe this is the first time I have ever allowed myself to truly believe in the divine intelligence and that I could just surrender to it but my mind(ego) is putting up a fight. GOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or maybe just maybe... I am truly losing my mind.

[Ariel Bravy]

Congratulations!!

[SimonaRich]

Oh yes, I know that feeling.

This happens when you develop spiritually very fast. You should know when to slow down though, because some people end up mind-less. I don't mean to scare you, but just take a break off spiritual matters if that becomes too much for you.

[StacyT]

Isn't life a crazy journey?

I feel like I could have written your post word for word. It all began after I read Deepak Chopra's book "Life After Death". It turned my world UPSIDE DOWN! I had been reading tons of personal development/spiritual stuff for years and never had a problem. After reading that book I thought I was going crazy and started questioning everything.

It was like I took the magic pill and couldn't go back. I knew too much now. I was in the secret club that included intense mental suffering coupled with crazy insignts that made me laugh out loud like a maniac. (Not to mention feeling like the people around me were all asleep and had no idea of this new world I was living in.)

I say embrace it! You are not crazy, but becoming more sane!! Isn't it fun?

[TiffyLove]

You know it reminds me of that quote that goes something like

"Life is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, screaming "holy ♥♥♥♥♥ what a ride!"

Because right now I do feel like I am on one big rollercoaster.

All I can say is thank goodness I don't experience the drama of it most of the time. It tends to suck me in with a few things, but I always seem to get out.

I do know what you mean in regards to people around you. I have crazy insights left and right and I can't even fully explain them YET. But right now I can just watch people play out their roles and dramas and I watch other people get annoyed by them and I am LAUGHING inside. I find it so amusing! Besides wanting to shake awake the ones I love, it has been rather amusing and interesting to say the least.

Simonarich,

You mean I shouldn't be watching "what the bleep further down the rabbit hole" or "your immortal mind" and things like those, everyday?
Maybe I should give my brain a chance to "catch up", and logically just saying letting my brain "catch up" doesn't make sense at all but some how it still does.

[StacyT]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

"Life is not to arrive at your grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, screaming "holy ♥♥♥♥♥ what a ride!"

Ha! I've never heard that before but I love it!

[AliB1959]

WOW - I wish I could have put that into words, and it's happened to me several times. It seems that when I have put parts of it into words, my Dr. increases my medication (which seems to put a lid on the growth and slow it down some). I'm back in the midst of it again, despite the anti-depressants and the way I express myself around others has changed and you know others don't like it when you change; they want you to stay the same (talking about my employer here)...

Questions - how does one slow down spiritual growth? It can feel so awful/painful/strange sometimes. I've been afraid that I'll be misunderstood and locked up or medicated even more, when this is just a natural and desireable process (IMO).

Is there a site that really explains the process so I can know better what to expect? I've felt very alone for the most part. This experience doesn't seem to be mainstream.

And SimonaRich - what do you mean "mind-less"? Sounds unpleasant!

[spacedout]

Dear TiffyLove, it sounds like you have been seeking the ultimate experience of awareness and have finally found it. You say that you are "becoming so awarae of thoughts and feelings and that your sensitivity has increased to everything." You also say that you are "observing the battle without drama." Those are, indeed, remarks that someone who has become the witness of the 'self' and someone who has reached pure awareness would say.

Can you tell us, exactly, what you have been doing to arrive at that state?
Did you meditate? If so, how? Did you use any guide to help transcend the ego?

[Judge]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

my mind(ego) is putting up a fight.

If you're the creator of all there is in awareness, then the mind you call your own can't be you at all. You don't need to lose you mind (you can't anyway) but you do need to see it for what it is......a tool.

Your mind/body, ego, emotions and thoughts are all tools to be used when required, all the problems we expereince stem from deep identification with the tools as if we were them.

Most people strongly identify with the tools as themselves, which of course leads to all sorts of problems that mostly lead to suffering.

No one really wants to be a tool

Judge

[Idealistic Dreamer]

Just sit back and enjoy the ride. Kick ego out the door, just enjoy what youve got and keep going. Welcome to the real world btw.

[TiffyLove]

Originally Posted by AliB1959

Questions - how does one slow down spiritual growth? It can feel so awful/painful/strange sometimes. I've been afraid that I'll be misunderstood and locked up or medicated even more, when this is just a natural and desireable process (IMO).

Unless you are institutionalized they can't shove the medication down your throat. I guess the only question is do you think you need medication? Also growth can be painful but so can not growing, they both have costs and benefits. In my opinion I LOVE growing. It may bring about "different" types of challenges but I would rather deal with different challenges and feel better and better than to deal with the same old ♥♥♥♥♥ and feel unhappy all the time. And growth doesn't have to be painful all the time. Marianne Williamson has said something that I have never forgotten. We can learn through either love or fear. It is also said we grow from either pain or insight.

Maybe you could stop trying to grow in any other area of your life and first focus on "not caring what others think/want from you." and your inner confidence. This will help. Matter fact anything you focus on will help. Choose something, one thing and go after it. IMO

Originally Posted by spacedout

someone who has reached pure awareness would say.

Can you tell us, exactly, what you have been doing to arrive at that state?
Did you meditate? If so, how? Did you use any guide to help transcend the ego?

I am not sure I would say I reached pure awareness, I do believe I am going in and out of extreme awareness at least in regards to myself. My awareness is not want I would like it to be with say, watching others and observing everything.

For instance while driving, I am completely aware of what I am thinking in some aspects. What my feelings are, what negative thoughts and positive thoughts I am not having,etc. All the while I couldn't tell you what I did while driving from point A to point B.

So in other words yes my awareness has turned inward in some aspects and rather dramatically or more than I am used to but I have a long ways to go.

I can tell you what I have been doing. I took a course recently by Marcia Martin called the Power of You. Which really focused a lot on communication, verbal, non verbal, speaking, listening, acting. And all of it was done in a way were it came from the belief that "we are all one" and "we create our reality" (not new concepts to me).

After opening up to the possibility that I MIGHT be able to have GREAT things in my life and my future CAN be different than my patterns of the past. I began watching all "the movies" again. The secret, what the bleep, further down the rabbit hole, your immortal mind.

But most of all I think the biggest thing that has happened is I am entertaining the idea of surrendering to the universe and trusting what it brings to me. I say entertaining only because it comes in waves and like I said I go back and forth from surrendering to trying to control and manipulate my life.

I believe its just been years of studying the mind, myself, personal growth, and spirituality. Maybe I am slow and it just took me awhile because even though I have known some of this knowledge for years, the last few weeks I think is the first time I am actually experiencing some of it.

You know the whole idea is like, you can be told over and over again how to drive a car and you can read every book there is on it, you can memorize every single part of the car and how you will use it but until you get into the car and drive it, you can't say you truly know how to drive a car.

I can't say I am completely "driving the car" yet, but I can say that I am in transition of getting into the car and truly learning how to drive it. Studying it before hand does help when you hint bumps in the road, though.

Boy can the first time behind the wheel be bit scary, or maybe exciting!

[spacedout]

Tiffany,

Please go back to your answer to my question and count how many times you used the word "I." And then, see if it is possible to identify who the 'I' is.

[drama07]

This is very interesting

I guess i need to stop thinking that continously reading and reading ... asking and asking... thinking and thinking...will help me awaken. I need to just get into the car and drive , damnit

[AliB1959]

TiffyLove = you posted "losing my mind" yesterday. Look how different today is from then.

Thanks! AliB

[TiffyLove]

Originally Posted by spacedout

Tiffany,

Please go back to your answer to my question and count how many times you used the word "I." And then, see if it is possible to identify who the 'I' is.

Are you trying to get me to truly lose my mind? lol. Wow, are you making me think. My mind was doing summersaults trying to identify the 'I' in my post. Feeling pretty inclined to say that was more ego but hard to tell because I suspect I am observing from the same mind frame, since the urge to use the word is still very strong. I will revisit it again in a different mindset later.

Originally Posted by AliB1959

TiffyLove = you posted "losing my mind" yesterday. Look how different today is from then.

Thanks! AliB

Yes! All part of losing your mind. Back and forth! GO SPIRIT!

Thank you for pointing that out because it is obvious between the two posts how different they are. Hoping it is a good thing and due to progress and clarity.

Originally Posted by drama07

This is very interesting

I guess i need to stop thinking that continously reading and reading ... asking and asking... thinking and thinking...will help me awaken. I need to just get into the car and drive , damnit

Heck, I have been like that 15 year old that wanted to drive the car waiting for her for YEARS now and the anticipation gets bigger and bigger and eventually you start thinking "will I ever get to drive the damn car". LOL

If only I knew I how to get into the car sooner.

Actually Like I said I believe the reading, thinking and asking is really preparing you to be a better driver when you get in. Imagine if you didn't even know what keys were or which pedal did what and you just jumped into a car one day? It wouldn't be pretty!


Spacedout,

Darn it, you have me so darn conscious of every single time I use the word I. Look I just did it twice, no three times including this one.

Every single time my mind goes... "you just did it again", "who is it?", "you don't know yet?" "You did it again", "haha, you can't stop."

Thanks!
Awareness is funny stuff isn't it?

[Sidhartha91]

Great Tiff. Sounds like you are well on your way to a better place

How are you dealing with it up here though ? Do you find it lonely at all?

I'm not sure if lonely is the word, because I definitely feel 100x LESS lonely since I started on my path to awareness, but when you are in a world full of sleeping people it can be hard to find others to relate to. I definitely don't actually feel 'lonely', but more like I'm swimming around in a pond full of thrashing fish while I am trying to sit at the bottom feeling the calm of the water.

Most social interactions involve me using my ego as a tool for communication with others. I have to jump back in and almost -pretend- when I talk to others. Pretend I am really interested in the things they are, or am at the same level of them. Almost dumbing myself down for the sake of friends and family.

I just observe peoples ego's interact, attack and go around in endless circles. It's a mix of frustrating and amusing to just be on the sidewalk, observing, instead of participating. Sometimes I just sigh on how simple it should be for everyone- if only they OPENED Their eyes for the first time!

Can anyone relate? Do you don your social suit every day to go with the crowd, or is there another way?

Woops don't mean to de-rail your thread, but would like your input tiff

[TiffyLove]

I find that I go back and forth between allowing myself to get uncomfortable and being quite amused by the situation. When someone is looking for someone to "buy into" their story with them and directed that urning at me, such as in a conversation it becomes very uncomfortable for me ( I don't allow myself to get sucked in when I can clearly see that is what is) but if the story/drama is happening where I can just observe it, I find it rather amusing and entertaining.

I like watching other people get frustrated and annoyed by other peoples dramas and stories. It helps me grow and expand my awareness. However the second someone is telling me their story and looking for me to buy into it, I get uncomfortable. Especially when they are talking directly to me and looking for a response because I know they are not going to get a response out of me. Other than.... "oh". lol. Man!, some people can be vicious when you don't buy into their stories. And then the guilt trip they try to put you in and try to get you to defend your "non-response". From this I have learned that ANYTIME I get defensive, I am defending A STORY of mine that someone is not buying into, as soon as I recognize it, I drop it real quick.

And in response to being lonely, I actually felt a lot more lonely in the beginning of my spirituality. At times I do feel lonely but now that you mentioned it I actually feel the least lonely now than compared to any other time in my life. I do however feel as if I am never truly understand. That everyone see's me as the character they made up me to be in their game of life but never really see true me. Even though that is true, Its interesting because I used to crave to be understand and seen and not until you mentioned this did I realize that it doesn't seem to bother me much anymore.

I tend to feel the most in tune with others when I can speak with friends who are on a spiritual and personal growth journey as well. That is when I feel "seen". Although I do wish I had more friends to spend time with that were of like mind. That would awesome (ok! universe!). Maybe that is why I spend time on this message board. Interesting discussions with lots of like minded people.

This does bring up some questions, how do most of the people on this board who are aware and do not get wrapped in other peoples dramas deal with people who are trying to convert(lol) you to their story? Everyone on here must deal with it on a regular basis, it would be nice to know how some of you handle those situations.

[drama07]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

...how do most of the people on this board who are aware and do not get wrapped in other peoples dramas deal with people who are trying to convert(lol) you to their story? Everyone on here must deal with it on a regular basis, it would be nice to know how some of you handle those situations.

My ego does react to people's stories and even to those that dont involve me. Such as sad ending movies, my mind wont stop dwelling on a sad scene. Its like the mind wants to suffer and Im guessing that its true. We all want happiness, yet we suffer. Why? Because the mind loves to suffer, so we always prefer drama. The want for happiness is itself a way to suffer, so you can see how the mind brings out thoughts that seem positive, but are undercover pain so to speak . There is no pleasure without pain.

I guess there is no need to handle a situation. Handling is to control, and ego just loves to control . So trying to handle a situation isnt going to change the mind. There is no way to change the mind without fueling it. All we can do is surrender to the mind as false. Ignore it at all times and stick to awareness. And from my tiny experiences, that is in fact true happiness.

[TiffyLove]

What I meant by handle is when I am in a situation where a person is talking to me, expressing the drama of their story and looking for me to "buy into" what they are saying. This makes me uncomfortable because I will not respond the way they expect but I usually soften what I really do want to say or do (like leave and take a walk).

[abhs]

People who have not yet begun on the path to awareness try to "convert you to believing" their stories because they always are looking for more validation to their stories -- you provide your tacit acceptance and support of them by complying when you "believe their stories." What you mean when you say "convert you to believing" I call "buying in to their frame." While aware people identify with consciousness, unaware people identify with their minds. They create stories that are their perceptions on life. Unfortunately, they do not see their paradigms as lenses through which they view their world, but rather, themselves. The mind is always in a precarious situation, because it is not real. So it always seeks to distract the unaware through tactics like diversions (new life adventures) and support (from the unaware around it).

Right now you write about going through a period I went through myself. You say that you are vacillating between being happy and unhappy, sure and unsure. Is it really YOU that is vacillating? Or are you undergoing shifts of awareness and unawareness in perception. I recommend reading the Power of Now to learn how to consciously invoke awareness whenever you would like. Secondly, I recommend issuing an intention to eventually bring more awareness into your life whenever possible. Allow it to manifest. It will.

[TiffyLove]

abhs,

Interesting that you recommended "The power of Now", as that is the exact audiobook I am newly listening to. I just began it yesterday.

[cordis]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

This does bring up some questions, how do most of the people on this board who are aware and do not get wrapped in other peoples dramas deal with people who are trying to convert(lol) you to their story? Everyone on here must deal with it on a regular basis, it would be nice to know how some of you handle those situations.

1. First put on your interested, understanding - knowing smile
2. Then with all the sincerity you can muster look them stright in the eye and then repeat the following;
3. "I understand your point - however You know there's only One Of Us Here."

[dancer]

Originally Posted by TiffyLove

Especially when they are talking directly to me and looking for a response because I know they are not going to get a response out of me. Other than.... "oh". lol. Man!, some people can be vicious when you don't buy into their stories. And then the guilt trip they try to put you in and try to get you to defend your "non-response". From this I have learned that ANYTIME I get defensive, I am defending A STORY of mine that someone is not buying into, as soon as I recognize it, I drop it real quick.

What else could this situation be showing you?

I do however feel as if I am never truly understand. That everyone see's me as the character they made up me to be in their game of life but never really see true me.

This applies in both directions and I thank you for sharing your insight.

<3

[TiffyLove]

Originally Posted by cordis

[*]"I understand your point - however You know there's only One Of Us Here."

I don't think most would understand what that means and then would say "what?" or expect an explanation.

What would you say that would be short and simple, so they at least understand enough not to take it any further?

I wouldn't know where to start!

[yabadoo]

Hi,

I understand exactly were you are coming from... I used to be very dependent on my ego in terms of a feeling of self worth that required hard work, beeting myself up and believing that I was in a competition with everyone. I would remember and analyse events that happend, most involving others to the point of madness. No suprises I was pretty depressed and lived a kind of paranoid existence.

I would describe this as simply not knowing any better - living completely identified with everything my mind told me and as it turns out living in the past and the future.

Initially all it took was reading a few books and realising that I was not my thoughts and in fact I could watch them. I gave myself permission to trust in what is and now meditate often. I feel like things are clear and visible, like always breathing fresh air and when something bad happens, which it did recently and people were panicking I became insanely calm, everything slowed down and I new exactly what to do - this is my target for the rest of my life.

However, I have periods of confusion like you discussed, lasting around a day to a week were I feel that I may have let go of something essential, that I am making a big mistake. At this time my mind goes mad, I can be aware of this, however, I don't like what I find. Can I live my life like this or is something essential missing?

One such thought is that presence is great, I feel that this calm is not who I have been all my life and hence I have lost touch with other aspects of my life such as career and direction. It is either that I have been kidding myself that I am good at something and yet with presence I really could not care and see this pursuit for what it truly is... an escape from reality... creating an image for myself... wanting to be somebody that I don't really care for...

Sorry if I have piggy backed on to this post but I am new to this game and it I understood exactly what you are going through.