Diary

[ann_hehe]

Have you ever wondered why "bad luck" keeps following you ? It's like a shadow, allover you and seems never let go... You wake up everyday, lookin up a ceiling and ask yourself "is it over yet" ? Yet, the same feeling you've got; out of your dreams, nothing is really changed... And, oh well, let's start... "it's another day"....

Have you ever wondered why is that... such a person like you (you believe that you're smart, bright, fun to be with... and many many more "talents"...) keeps failing ? No one has the answer. Not even you. You started something, pretty sure about if but soon... you screw it up... Everything is ruined... The same old shadow is till over you... And as always... many questions will pop up... "What have I done?" "How could it be?" "That didnt sound like me"... Yet, no answer... not now... not ever... Tryin to get it from someone else ? I'll bet... you will get nothing back... Or even you do (if lucky enough)...well, you'll get a new friend... a great listener... or worse... the same old story, theory... whatever you want to call it...

Then you see yourself in despair, stressed, exploded... Because you're frustrated.
Frustrated because you couldnt find your way out...
Frustrated because (it seems) everybody turns their back to you...
Frustrated because (it seems) no one understands you're so down... and that they expect too much from you...
Isnt it obvious ? .... But why nobody seems to notice ? Again, there isnt any answer. All you have is called "experiences"... You live your whole life just to get the "experiences", not the "answer"...

I've read afew books about "Inspiration"... And to me, they're all nice... Nice, because they wrote about all the "good-to-hear" stuff... It makes sense right the moment I read it; make I feel good, maybe...; lighten up my "heavy" mind. So I keep reading, people keep buying, somebody keeps making money... Life goes on... They republish it every year... "Best seller" all the time... I guess, never enough books for despair people... Or a despairation would never ends... And at the end of the day, I realised, the authors (whoever they are) dont know me... Maybe they dont even know you...So, they seem to write for someone, or about something... that much more simple... alot less complicated than what we're facing... But... we already bought the book... we read it... why didnt anything work out ? ... (Another question?)... Well, use your Imagination...!!!

Anyway,... reading books is a healthy hobby... You learn alot, pages after pages. It's "knowledge" , right ? It must fits someone... well, that one might not be you... but hopefully it'd turns out to be useful...some times... somewhere...somehow... who knows... So, keep it up, be positive (haha... now it's my turn to sound like those self-help books)...

[Dan.Linehan]

In reading your post the frustration oozes out. This is a detractor to success. I wouldn't worry so much about always staying positive; I'd say instead to focus on never get frustrated.

Keep going. Learn. Never get frustrated. Your frustration is made up, it's an illusion, a manifestation of your attachement to a certain outcome. Lose that attachment, and you won't get frustrated any more, you'll just have outcomes, and then you can shoot for better or different ones.

Persistance at that point won't seem like a stuggle to keep going against the current, but a merging of energy between you and your goals and reality.

[ann_hehe]

As I can see now..., diary is no longer a secret. It used to be, but many years passed, I realised talking to myself through diary is abit...boring.
Now, I found a place to put my thoughts down. The place where I let anyone and everyone read.... whatever it is spinning and going through my head... It's about sharing, yet still a secret... How cool...
I read Dan's post, the very first reply to my "diary". "Attachment", "Illusion", "Frustration"... all make sense again and I felt much better last few days... But honestly, I dont think I fully understand it...yet... Anyway, it was a great lesson from a different point of view, state of mind... Thanks Danny
Here is another little secret... it's not fun reading someone's thought and keep checkin dictionary... haha... Thanks my poor English for that...

Star Movie
10pm something...
Ann: Look, mom, it's horror movie...
Mom: I have to be up early tomorrow...
Ann: But it's horror movie... Your favorite...
Mom: Hmmmm... ok ok...
Ann (covered with newspaper): I hate this kind of movie, I sleep alone... What's happenin ?
Mom: I didnt see anything... It's all hair... A hairy ghost... !!! This is scary...
Ann: Awwwww.... 11pm...
Mom: It's scary... I go to bed now... And I have your dad ... wakakakakaka
Ann: Awwwww, mom.... What about me ?
Mom: Be careful... Dont mess up your room and clean all the hairs...
Ann: Mommmmmm !!!
....
11.10pm
Knock knock...
Dad: Ann ? What's wrong ?
Ann (one hand holds big long pillow and doggie in another): Can I sleep with you guys...??? I'm scared... 11.15pm
Ann: Gosh, this bed cant fit the 3 of us...
Mom: It's ok... But why do you have to bring your big pillow and... this dog here ?
Dad (pointing at Ann's doggie): This carries lots of dust and germ...
Ann: But dad snores... And so do you... How'd I be able to sleep ?
Mom: Just close your ears and ignore it...
Dad: Hmmmm, I promise, I wont snore...
Ann (laughing on the floor): Ok ok... I just dont believe it, I'm 21 and I still run to you just becoz of that ************in ghost movie...
Mom: And I dont believe it, we still let you sleep with us... (And I was thinkin about you while squeezing my pillow... and listening to my mom snore too lol) The next morning...
Dad kept his promise... He didnt snore... He told Ann he couldnt sleep very well and got hungry around 3 or 4am
Mom.... She snored... But at least she didnt sound like the hairy ghost in da movie...
Ann... She slept fine... like a washing machine... End.