|12-25-2008, 06:32 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Dec 2006
how do you find what you, “your self” believe in?
how do you find what you, “your self” believe in?
I am having trouble doing this, I feel I have always had this trouble. let me explain a little, I could read something and feeling like that makes a lot of sense and then I could read something that goes against the first thing and say that makes a lot of sense and then read a third thing that says the first two are wrong for even attempting to answer something like that and then (i know a lot of "and then but bear with me) read a fourth idea that says that all three are right. some times (like today) its all so maddening that i wont to say forget all of them and let me find my own answer. now my problem of finding my own answer is that I don’t know who I am. that is a problem I know consciously I have had since I was 6 years old. i had a moment where I question, “what do i do as me?”. “how do i walk?” “how do i talk”, and I got a feeling of emptiness when i asked that question so long ago.
now what prompted me to ask that question was a fight I got into with my cousin. he was/is my best friend and not having a father he is where I picked up a lot of mannerism from and when you start to act out those mannerism eventually those believes come with the mannerisms. I would watch how he interacted with people and the response he would get and that for me gave me my map of how to get through reality. so when i go to my own social circle I would do what I saw to achieve the same results, with a fair amount of success. but one day we came into disagreement, what the disagreement was I do not remember. but I remember thinking that I did not like who my cousin was. but i did not know how to stop acting like him that’s when I ask myself “who am I” but never found an answer.
Anyway life goes on and i use the only social mechanism that i knew of. That was mimicking those who got the best result and I still use that to this day. Which has lead me through various religions, occult practice, television programming, ect. and today I watched Religulous. when the movie ended I had a bunch of conflicting emotions.
like “religion is useful to some people because it helps them reach their highest potential and change the world for better or for worst depending on the perspective” and “ his message is to spread doubt and that is the programming that the controllers of this society wants so that way they can usher in this one world control in the new world order under a new unified religion of some occult order”
then I though what if he is right and I am using new world order schemes as an ego shield to block the message and I am buying into some other doctrine that is not my own and upon reflection would not believe in. then I though what if religious is the new industry and that people in the major religions are dying out and people like Steve and bashar and people who made the secret were now promoting the new religion that our children will come to believe in” or what if we are reaching that said evolutionary period where an idea of oneness and unconditional love can actually exist. And then the cop out answer of course the answer of life is a paradox and all these answers are true comes to give so rest to a mind that may be going of track.
I realized these thoughts go on and on like this because I don’t know who I am. I let Religulous do its job and create doubt and i am not mad at it for doing that, but I am frustrated that I can not watch a movie like that and go into myself to find my own answer. Every answer I come up with is from the lips of some one else, even the ones that give me that emotion of rightness. and I am no longer satisfied with the answer of another man bringing me clarity on something so important as truth, specifically my truth. because I don't think that I can reach my highest potential of true contentment or happiness until/unless i find that simple truth that is me. that when I here it in my head it sound like my voice, i can imagine my mannerisms while saying it and when some one ask me do you believe that no matter how crazy it may sound I can say yes I absolutely do. Now I know this post is contradictory (probably in more ways than one) in that i am posting on a public forum about something so personal. That also could lead to me once again hearing an answer and going o that sounds right let me adopt that idea as well. But I though I might share this to get it off my chest, and I’m also curious to see what you all think.
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