Compassion, Boundaries, Balance...

[m0vingon]

I've been meditating for some time and working on viewing the mysteries and people in life with loving compassion. It has helped me immensely to be able to view the world with a compassionately objective eye. I am less drawn in by drama and ego than I was before.

My resistance however, comes in the form of fear. I am not yet far enough removed from ego to not be concerned about being hurt or taken advantage of by my ex husband- with whom i co-parent. I can deal effectively with him by viewing him with compassion. He is extremely angry with me about the breakdown of our marriage and consistently and repeatedly verbally abuses me. I generally don't respond to this behaviour simply because I can see it for what it is- his damaged ego. However, when it comes to his lack of respect for me as a co-parent to our children, I believe that if I do not assert my stance with him very directly, that he will take every opportunity to deny me fair access to the children and equal parenting time.

This is all a huge paradox in my head. 80% of the time I can function with peace and compassion. The other 20% of the time I am struggling with the balance between healthy detachment and fear of being taken advantage of or abused. I feel held back by my attachment to my children and my desire to parent them... which seems wrong and bizarre.

Does this even make sense to anyone other than me? I'm sure someone else here has had a similar experience on their path. Please share your insights.

[Ecce Homo]

Originally Posted by m0vingon

I've been meditating for some time and working on viewing the mysteries and people in life with loving compassion. It has helped me immensely to be able to view the world with a compassionately objective eye. I am less drawn in by drama and ego than I was before.

I just wanted to congratulate you on this wonderful inner achievement! Compassion rocks! It’s way, way cooler than hatred and resentment!

In terms of your situation, I don’t know that I have anything to add that you’d find useful, but I’m sure you’re going to receive great insight from the wise forummers here!

[Ecce Homo]

Well Moving0n, I guess I'll take a stab at it after all.

Can you say more? Can you describe a recent skirmish/situation that might symbolize the entire problem as you see it, and how you felt/reacted to it?

[DrBear4187]

All is one. That is, in a very complicated way even Love and Hate are the same. Good and Evil- only symbols of togetherness and seperation. In order to achieve unity things must be balanced. Knowing as much as you do you are now faced with an opportuniyt. Mental enrgy is a surging force, knowledge and information will feed you. You have more control over most circumstances and events simply because you have taken the time to think.
My point- angels and demons are very much the same. The same who give you Love will also revoke you in order to save your soul. I suggest you take some time to privately search your inner "evil"- to give birth to the demonic side in you. If you are not ready, or you have not fully developed your togehterness then don't do it. You will harm yourself and others. But if you are then prepare yourself. First of most lessons is a lesson in fear. Face it. What is death and pain but sensation and forms of change. That is not to say that you initiate these sequences, but you process them effectively as they are sent to you to responibly handle. This is an issue you have to do yourself. You know what must be done. The only question is "are you ready". Like always, search for the answers and you will find them.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by m0vingon

My resistance however, comes in the form of fear. I am not yet far enough removed from ego to not be concerned about being hurt or taken advantage of by my ex husband- with whom i co-parent.

I think you may be confusing the issue. There is nothing incompatible with having compassion for your ex-husband and not permitting him to abuse you. You've rightly discerned that there is no need to respond to verbal abuse with more verbal abuse and further escalation. But this doesn't preclude calmly and firmly enforcing clearly set boundaries when you must. If in a particular situation that involves *gasp* raising your voice or refusing to be intimidated, so be it. Context is everything.

Originally Posted by m0vingon

... I am struggling with the balance between healthy detachment and fear of being taken advantage of or abused. I feel held back by my attachment to my children and my desire to parent them... which seems wrong and bizarre.

Consider that it's possible to be calm, peaceful and detached even if you are forced by someone else's "pain body" into a combat posture. It's just more difficult to remain centered in that scenario. If you do end up acting from your ego, forgive yourself and move on. You'll do better next time. Practice makes perfect.

You mention fear of being taken advantage of or hurt. I think it's great to have the objective of being so Zen that a man with whom you've come to this sad crossroads with wouldn't be able to hurt you. But that probably isn't realistic. He's already hurt you. My guess is that if you are spiritually advanced enough to be asking the sorts of questions you are asking, these probably aren't imaginary hurts. You have ended the marriage to escape the abuse. So ... don't allow him to abuse you because you fear he can literally or metaphorically steal your children or their hearts. It is unlikely that he can. Your children are most likely capable of intuiting which of you is operating out of genuine love for them and which is using them as a pawn for purposes of retribution. Children can be astounding that way.

Do not speak ill of him to your children, be kind but firm to him. Make sure your boundaries are clear. It will work out.

Best to you,

--Bob