Acting through loving kindness and being a 'man'

[WhiteLight]

During the past few days I've been observing social interactions in a new perspective, one that could be described as...magnetic. To put this into context, imagine how people behave when they more or less 'go with the flow'. It might also help to mention that I am able to be an observer (not just what's in front, but all around me, especially with people), while still acting spontaneously.

The past couple of months I've grown more and more comfortable with myself, and you could say that I hardly ever hesitate (when I do, it's because I know that the action I would have done would bring about negative consequences). I have begun to adopt an empowered view towards the relationships I have with people I meet. I always seek to act through loving kindness, I conduct myself as humble as possible, and I set aside my ego to the best of my ability. As such, I abhor the idea of manipulating people, on any level.

Here's where the dilemma begins. One of the characteristics of being a man is the ability to lead. When I act without hesitation I find myself naturally leading in many social interactions. Not necessarily with conversation...but mainly with body language.

Now, because I want to act through loving kindness and humility, I've found myself consciously 'following', 'mirroring' (in these cases I don't hesitate, and neither does the other person), or letting other people take the lead more and more recently. I consciously act in a way that suggests that I am not an alpha male, I am not the best, I am not the first, etc. For example, when I'm hanging out at a friend's house, I realize that it's their house, and I shouldn't impose upon them because I'm a guest. I let them make the decisions for the most part, kinda like going along for the ride.

Is this behavior impeding my progress? I have chosen to live my life courageously, but my actions would suggest that I am not comfortable with leading, with being a man. Part of my fear is that when I do take initiative, it seems to piss people off (mostly older men with an alpha male mentality, or women who are so used to controlling men).

How am I supposed to be humble when my actions would suggest that I am a natural leader? I mean, the more I write about this, and the more I read what I'm writing, the more I realize that I shouldn't be afraid of anything. Leaders are able to be humble and act through love. I have nothing to feel guilty about. The fear of leading is just an illusion.

But it's all so confusing sometimes. I have the ability to lead, but because of my awareness I sense the impact it has on the people around me. I work in customer service (returns and exchanges at IKEA) so there have been many times where my courage has been tested. I consciously choose to meet those challenges head on, and many times I have turned a possible negative situation into a positive one. When I do encounter hostile alpha males/females I interact courageously, and frankly, in a manner that they would never expect. Even if they're bigger, my actions cause them to back off and cease trying to intimidate me.

Could it be social programming that makes me think that what I'm doing is manipulative? When I don't hesitate, everything goes so smoothly, but then again, I feel like I'm manipulating/taking advantage/imposing my will upon people. Maybe manipulate is too negative a word. Influence is a better word for it. Maybe the solution is to realize that I have the power to influence people in a positive way, and I have to embrace that realization. I know that this is the next step I have to overcome, because my fear is pointing me in that direction.

Does anyone have any insight towards this area? Is there anything wrong with my logic? How can I put aside my ego and be humble when my spontaneous actions always put me in the spotlight? Yes, I do choose my words carefully, but actions speak much louder than words. I love being in the spotlight and facing my fears head-on. I love that rush that courses through my body, and it feels so empowering to be able to act gracefully through any situation. Could it be that I'm afraid of my own greatness? Could it be that I don't love myself enough yet to embrace my destiny? Maybe a shift of perspective is in order (positive influence instead of manipulation).

Sigh, more and more questions keep popping up the more I write and read what I'm writing. It feels good to get it off my chest though, in the hopes that someone on here understands what I'm feeling.

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

During the past few days I've been observing social interactions in a new perspective, one that could be described as...magnetic. To put this into context, imagine how people behave when they more or less 'go with the flow'. It might also help to mention that I am able to be an observer (not just what's in front, but all around me, especially with people), while still acting spontaneously.

The past couple of months I've grown more and more comfortable with myself, and you could say that I hardly ever hesitate (when I do, it's because I know that the action I would have done would bring about negative consequences). I have begun to adopt an empowered view towards the relationships I have with people I meet. I always seek to act through loving kindness, I conduct myself as humble as possible, and I set aside my ego to the best of my ability. As such, I abhor the idea of manipulating people, on any level.

Here's where the dilemma begins. One of the characteristics of being a man is the ability to lead.

Sez who?

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

When I act without hesitation I find myself naturally leading in many social interactions. Not necessarily with conversation...but mainly with body language.

Now, because I want to act through loving kindness and humility, I've found myself consciously 'following', 'mirroring' (in these cases I don't hesitate, and neither does the other person), or letting other people take the lead more and more recently. I consciously act in a way that suggests that I am not an alpha male, I am not the best, I am not the first, etc. For example, when I'm hanging out at a friend's house, I realize that it's their house, and I shouldn't impose upon them because I'm a guest. I let them make the decisions for the most part, kinda like going along for the ride.

Is this behavior impeding my progress? I have chosen to live my life courageously, but my actions would suggest that I am not comfortable with leading, with being a man.

Still not sure where this ideaq that men must be leaders is coming from. Or equating "Maleness" with leadership....

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

Part of my fear is that when I do take initiative, it seems to piss people off (mostly older men with an alpha male mentality, or women who are so used to controlling men).

Who has the problem with this? You or them?

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

How am I supposed to be humble when my actions would suggest that I am a natural leader? I mean, the more I write about this, and the more I read what I'm writing, the more I realize that I shouldn't be afraid of anything. Leaders are able to be humble and act through love. I have nothing to feel guilty about. The fear of leading is just an illusion.

All true leaders do so with action, not words. Action, especially right action, speaks to people's souls, not their minds. As for being a humble leader, again, all the True leaders are, because to be a leader is to be in total service to those you lead. It is to be completely without regard for self and one's own needs or Ego.

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

But it's all so confusing sometimes. I have the ability to lead, but because of my awareness I sense the impact it has on the people around me. I work in customer service (returns and exchanges at IKEA) so there have been many times where my courage has been tested. I consciously choose to meet those challenges head on, and many times I have turned a possible negative situation into a positive one. When I do encounter hostile alpha males/females I interact courageously, and frankly, in a manner that they would never expect. Even if they're bigger, my actions cause them to back off and cease trying to intimidate me.

Could it be social programming that makes me think that what I'm doing is manipulative? When I don't hesitate, everything goes so smoothly, but then again, I feel like I'm manipulating/taking advantage/imposing my will upon people. Maybe manipulate is too negative a word. Influence is a better word for it. Maybe the solution is to realize that I have the power to influence people in a positive way, and I have to embrace that realization. I know that this is the next step I have to overcome, because my fear is pointing me in that direction.

Does anyone have any insight towards this area? Is there anything wrong with my logic? How can I put aside my ego and be humble when my spontaneous actions always put me in the spotlight? Yes, I do choose my words carefully, but actions speak much louder than words. I love being in the spotlight and facing my fears head-on. I love that rush that courses through my body, and it feels so empowering to be able to act gracefully through any situation. Could it be that I'm afraid of my own greatness? Could it be that I don't love myself enough yet to embrace my destiny? Maybe a shift of perspective is in order (positive influence instead of manipulation).

Sigh, more and more questions keep popping up the more I write and read what I'm writing. It feels good to get it off my chest though, in the hopes that someone on here understands what I'm feeling.

Being a warrior means being impeccable. When you do what you were meant to do, everyone benefits. If you were meant to be a leader then lead. If you TRY to be a leader and piss people off, then chances are you shouldn't try. If you piss people off simply by being who you are, then you need to be around different people.

This is not a difficult issue. You're making it difficult with your head. Follow your heart and it will lead you truly.

[WhiteLight]

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

Who has the problem with this? You or them?

I don't have a problem at all. But you see, there's people out there that like to intimidate small guys like me. You understand how people are afraid of failure. When I interact calmly with these types of people it pisses them off because I'm not giving them their desired reaction.

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

All true leaders do so with action, not words. Action, especially right action, speaks to people's souls, not their minds. As for being a humble leader, again, all the True leaders are, because to be a leader is to be in total service to those you lead. It is to be completely without regard for self and one's own needs or Ego.

That's the point of this whole post. Most of what I have been observing is the synchronicity between body language and conversation. Also, I work in customer service. Spontaneous action allows me to lead the interaction but I am providing them with a service, which means that the customer's needs are put before my own. Actually, you could picture my current job at Returns and Exchanges at IKEA as a sort of servitude towards the customer. There have been so many times where a customer has blatantly told me how to perform my job, like I'm completely subjected to their will. However, my actions would say otherwise.

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

Being a warrior means being impeccable. When you do what you were meant to do, everyone benefits. If you were meant to be a leader then lead. If you TRY to be a leader and piss people off, then chances are you shouldn't try. If you piss people off simply by being who you are, then you need to be around different people.

Again, this is what this post is about. When I act spontaneously, doing what I was meant to do, everyone benefits. Those angry customers who would have normally blown up realize that they can't get a rise out of me, and I direct the situation in a way that leaves both parties satisfied. And maybe I should have been more clear. It's not people that I know that get pissed at me. It's those customers that believe that they're always right and that they always have to have their way, no matter what.

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

This is not a difficult issue. You're making it difficult with your head. Follow your heart and it will lead you truly.

Well then what would you do in my situation? Your heart tells you to be humble, but your actions say otherwise. Think mind synchronized with the body, proactively interacting in a social situation. When I just let go there have been chains of synchronicity that suggest that I am a leader, the best, a man, mature, first, etc. Now keep in mind that there have been synchronizations with the opposite end of the spectrum much more frequently. It's gotten to the point where it doesn't matter to me anymore, because I accept the truth. I accept my failures and my shortcomings, and I have already moved past them. Now I recognize those situations where I could act through the ego-centered side of the spectrum, I consciously behave in a way that suggests humility, and the most simple way I can put it is that I let other people lead. Otherwise, it turns into a competition of who's better when the other person has an inflated ego.

It's those very subtle things that give people such a burst of energy, and I love that. I love making people feel good about themselves, though it requires that I check my own actions. Do you know how much of an ego boost males receive when they are recognized as 'men'? It's enormous.

I guess it would have made more sense if I used the word leader instead of man in the title, but it doesn't have the same connotation to me. Actually, it encompasses being a leader, but means so much more. And I don't necessarily mean being a leader among people, but being able to lead your own life courageously.

The more I think about it, the more I see that I am now able to distinguish between those situations where my ego can potentially get the best of me, and when I am able act independent of it. I sort of see it now as a step before being able to act independently of the ego entirely, maybe like breaking free from the wheel of life.

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

Well then what would you do in my situation? Your heart tells you to be humble, but your actions say otherwise.

If you are impeccable, then there is no disconnect between Heart, Mind, Body and Spirit. If you do what you were meant to do - and that should happen to be be a leader of people (or situations) - then humility and leadership are not mutually exclusive and in fact are essential to one another; one cannot exist without the other.

If your actions are saying that you are not being humble, then perhaps you need to examine your definition of "humility".

Originally Posted by Elrond

Do you know how much of an ego boost males receive when they are recognized as 'men'? It's enormous.

I always thought it was a little silly and childish. Even as a child.

Originally Posted by Elrond

I guess it would have made more sense if I used the word leader instead of man in the title, but it doesn't have the same connotation to me. Actually, it encompasses being a leader, but means so much more. And I don't necessarily mean being a leader among people, but being able to lead your own life courageously.

That's why I chose the word "Warrior." Anyone can walk the Path of the Warrior. Gender has no bearing. Some of the most Powerful Warriors I know are women. BUT, not all Warriors are Leaders at all times. Knowing when to follow is probably - as you noted - one of the most important attributes of leadership.

[fellowtraveler]

It's extremely manly to let others take the lead if they want to, when it doesn't really matter. A man is secure within hmself.

When there's a vacuum, you'll naturally be drawn into leading. If the first leader fails, people will sense that, and you will step in.

When I think of all the time I've wasted trying to be a man, wondering what a man would do, etc....it's for nothing.

[WhiteLight]

Thank you for your advice. From what you've said, it would be better to re-evaluate my perspective, and look at it from the Path of the Warrior.

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

If your actions are saying that you are not being humble, then perhaps you need to examine your definition of "humility".

This is a hard for me to explain. I think by actions you picture me going out of my way to make me look good, much like a stereotypical highschool jock (just for the sake of reference) would. But that isn't the case at all. I view it on a much more subtle level, and I don't necessarily (hardly ever) act to gain approval. In fact, other people (besides the ones who can read me) hardly notice what I'm doing. It could be that I'm still a bit self-conscious, but I have been working on projecting love outwards, towards everyone.

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

I always thought it was a little silly and childish. Even as a child.

Then what are the alternatives? There was a stage where I called almost everyone dude (if I wasn't using their first name), but for some reason I've sensed a negative connotation associated with it. Should I refer to everyone by their first names all the time? There's also 'buddy', 'pal', 'friend', etc, but it doesn't seem to flow as smoothly. Maybe I have to expand my vocabulary of adjectives regarding people and become more comfortable with those words. Yes, actions speak louder than words, and body language comprises more than 90% of communication, but word choice still has a huge impact.

I use the words 'man', 'ma'am', and 'sir' almost exclusively while I'm working as a sign of respect towards the customer, I don't do it for my own benefit. Or maybe I do, because when they're recognized as such they feel better, making the transaction go a little bit more smoothly.

Are you saying I should stop appealing to people's egos? What happens then when I am speaking truthfully and honestly, and refer to one person as 'dude', 'buddy', or 'pal', and another person as 'man', 'ma'am', or 'sir'? Doing so creates a rift in equality. And again, keep in mind that not all of this is reflected outside, people (who are unaware) hardly seem to notice (but their subconscious does). I do my best to refer to everyone with respectable titles, so that in my mind, everyone is equal.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

During the past few days I've been observing social interactions in a new perspective, one that could be described as...magnetic. One of the characteristics of being a man is the ability to lead. When I act without hesitation I find myself naturally leading in many social interactions. when I do take initiative, it seems to piss people off (mostly older men with an alpha male mentality, or women who are so used to controlling men).

How am I supposed to be humble when my actions would suggest that I am a natural leader? Could it be that I'm afraid of my own greatness? Could it be that I don't love myself enough yet to embrace my destiny?

If you find yourself upsetting people consistently when you try and take the lead, you must be doing something to incite them. With a great leader, people WANT to be lead. You can't place the blame solely on the alpha-male mentality. Many leaders have no problem with that. Also, great leaders never call themselves great leaders. I hope you don't take this differently than I mean it. It's not always easy to convey something with typing. I'm just pointing out a couple of things you may want to mull over.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Ahh whats with all this support for androgony, "Its manly to let others lead"? Thats a phenomenal fallacy of a statement! Its incredibly manly to lead, its incredibly weak to abdicate that control.

White light you sound like me, a man who knows what he thinks a man is, but when you look outward all you see is this opressive adrogony, saying its manly to give up, its manly to make yourself acceptable to others, have you ever thought maybe it IS manly to lead, maybe its manly to be in charge, whats so wrong about that?

Or even better, whats so wrong about having your own damn opinion about what it really means to be a man? Without the input of so-called enlightened thought.

Just something for you to think about.

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Ahh whats with all this support for androgony, "Its manly to let others lead"? Thats a phenomenal fallacy of a statement! Its incredibly manly to lead, its incredibly weak to abdicate that control.

What makes leading "Manly" versus "Womanly"? And what makes abdicating control less manly than less womanly? Nothing. The fallacy lies in attributing some gender ideal to a Universal concept. It's not androgony I'm supporting; it's looking at how we apply certain labels to behaviors and limit our thoughts about those actions by virtue of the words that we choose that I'm fighting against.

Leadership is neither manly nor womanly. It simply IS in and of itself. A leader's gender has nothing to do with their efficacy in such a role. And being a leader does not make one more manly or womanly. It also does not make one more dominant or less submissive. These are the fallacies.

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

White light you sound like me, a man who knows what he thinks a man is, but when you look outward all you see is this opressive adrogony, saying its manly to give up, its manly to make yourself acceptable to others, have you ever thought maybe it IS manly to lead, maybe its manly to be in charge, whats so wrong about that?

What's wrong with it is that by labeling something "manly" you make it inaccessible to over half the world's population. Not only that, it's inaccurate.

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Or even better, whats so wrong about having your own damn opinion about what it really means to be a man? Without the input of so-called enlightened thought.

If one wanted to have their own opinion without "enlightened thought" there'd be no need to post anything on a forum such as this. One could simply sit in a cave and have whatever opinions they wished with no fear of being challenged.

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Just something for you to think about.

One other thing to think about since I'm ranting about labels and proper vocabulary: there is a difference between leading and controlling/manipulating. People get pissed off when they think they're being controlled or manipulated. People are happy and excited when they think they're being led.

White Light, in a customer service position, you do not have the ability to LEAD anyone. You do, however, have a great deal of opportunity to control a situation by manipulating someone into doing or even feeling something you want them to. That's not leading.

Inspiring action from others towards a common goal is leading. Keeping someone from being pissed off about a faulty product or service is control.

Organizing a group of friends to participate in a charity event when many of them never have or hadn't even thought about it before is leading. Or even better, doing the same with a group of total strangers.

Leadership seldom feels empowering. If anything, a true leader wears their leadership as a burden that must be upheld for the benefit of others. A true leader feels an obligation to those they support, not an obligation from those they lead.

Control, on the other hand is very enticing. It makes one feel powerful and important. It strengthens the Ego and makes us feel good. This is how I am interpreting this "Manly" thing you seem to talk about.

If I'm missing something, please correct me.

[WhiteLight]

Originally Posted by Mato Kinze

Control, on the other hand is very enticing. It makes one feel powerful and important. It strengthens the Ego and makes us feel good. This is how I am interpreting this "Manly" thing you seem to talk about.

If I'm missing something, please correct me.

That's more like what I've been trying to figure out. I saw the manipulation out there, and I wasn't ok with it. I knew there was something wrong with my perspective, but I couldn't describe it because I believed that it was manifested from right action. Now I see that I most likely have been acting out of control.

Then would you say that a job such as the one I work now inhibits my growth? I mean, I am consciously giving people choices, and communicating to them in a way that allows them to act of their own free will. But some people aren't able to think on their own. And a lot of them try to get their way but store policy says we can't give them their money back. In both cases I have to exert varying degrees of control to make everything run smoothly. Am I just massaging my ego? I feel awful.

Most of the time the work atmosphere is a consciousness-lowering one because of all the negativity, not only from customers but my co-workers as well. Most of them wallow in self-pity. My presence is like a light in there. But sometimes to keep the atmosphere positive (more or less) I have to control the situation a certain way. See? If I hesitate, things might not go as smoothly (unless there's another person who can handle the situation better, either male or female). If I let things flow, everything goes smoothly (as peaceful as I can make the situation) but I exert varying degrees of control to maintain it. That's part of the reason I would consciously behave a certain way that allows others to lead. I was sick of control, but I couldn't really describe it.

[fellowtraveler]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Ahh whats with all this support for androgony, "Its manly to let others lead"? Thats a phenomenal fallacy of a statement! Its incredibly manly to lead, its incredibly weak to abdicate that control.

Unfortunately you know not that of which you speak. You'll grow out of it. It's the narrowmindedness of youth.

The best leaders I've ever seen were so clever that those being led didn't even know it. The worst were always sure to make it clear who the leader was, and they always failed.

[Mato Kinze]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

Then would you say that a job such as the one I work now inhibits my growth?

Now THAT is a worthy question. I can't answer it though. Only you can. If you can be true to yourself, and be in integrity at all times and still perform your job, then you're fine. If not, then move on before the Universe moves you on.

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

I mean, I am consciously giving people choices, and communicating to them in a way that allows them to act of their own free will. But some people aren't able to think on their own. And a lot of them try to get their way but store policy says we can't give them their money back. In both cases I have to exert varying degrees of control to make everything run smoothly. Am I just massaging my ego? I feel awful.

Most of the time the work atmosphere is a consciousness-lowering one because of all the negativity, not only from customers but my co-workers as well. Most of them wallow in self-pity. My presence is like a light in there. But sometimes to keep the atmosphere positive (more or less) I have to control the situation a certain way. See? If I hesitate, things might not go as smoothly (unless there's another person who can handle the situation better, either male or female). If I let things flow, everything goes smoothly (as peaceful as I can make the situation) but I exert varying degrees of control to maintain it. That's part of the reason I would consciously behave a certain way that allows others to lead. I was sick of control, but I couldn't really describe it.

I once did a three-month stint as a Collection Agent. It was horrible. The only way I could bring myself to do the job was to tell myself I was helping these folks get out from under opressive debt and keep them from landing in court. I approached every conversation with the intention of helping the person I was talking to. My numbers were better than most of the other collectors eventhough I was by far the least experienced, but the environment was so toxic I couldn't handle it. I couldn't sit there all day listening to other collectors badger, berate, cajole, criticize and abuse people and still go home feeling good about what I was doing. In the end - well, since it was only three months I guess you could say "pretty quickly" - I made the decision to leave and get a job doing something a little more positive. That was me though and that was collections, not customer service. Still, if it's not working for you, you should put some energy into finding out what would work for you.

[WhiteLight]

Thank you to everyone who posted in this thread, especially Mato Kinze. You stuck with the conversation and provided the insight I needed to come to terms with this particular area in my life truthfully. I have some difficult topics to meditate on, and your guidance is truly appreciated.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

During the past few days I've been observing social interactions in a new perspective, one that could be described as...magnetic. To put this into context, imagine how people behave when they more or less 'go with the flow'. It might also help to mention that I am able to be an observer (not just what's in front, but all around me, especially with people), while still acting spontaneously.

The past couple of months I've grown more and more comfortable with myself, and you could say that I hardly ever hesitate (when I do, it's because I know that the action I would have done would bring about negative consequences). I have begun to adopt an empowered view towards the relationships I have with people I meet. I always seek to act through loving kindness, I conduct myself as humble as possible, and I set aside my ego to the best of my ability. As such, I abhor the idea of manipulating people, on any level.

Here's where the dilemma begins. One of the characteristics of being a man is the ability to lead. When I act without hesitation I find myself naturally leading in many social interactions. Not necessarily with conversation...but mainly with body language.

Now, because I want to act through loving kindness and humility, I've found myself consciously 'following', 'mirroring' (in these cases I don't hesitate, and neither does the other person), or letting other people take the lead more and more recently. I consciously act in a way that suggests that I am not an alpha male, I am not the best, I am not the first, etc. For example, when I'm hanging out at a friend's house, I realize that it's their house, and I shouldn't impose upon them because I'm a guest. I let them make the decisions for the most part, kinda like going along for the ride.

Is this behavior impeding my progress? I have chosen to live my life courageously, but my actions would suggest that I am not comfortable with leading, with being a man. Part of my fear is that when I do take initiative, it seems to piss people off (mostly older men with an alpha male mentality, or women who are so used to controlling men).

How am I supposed to be humble when my actions would suggest that I am a natural leader? I mean, the more I write about this, and the more I read what I'm writing, the more I realize that I shouldn't be afraid of anything. Leaders are able to be humble and act through love. I have nothing to feel guilty about. The fear of leading is just an illusion.

But it's all so confusing sometimes. I have the ability to lead, but because of my awareness I sense the impact it has on the people around me. I work in customer service (returns and exchanges at IKEA) so there have been many times where my courage has been tested. I consciously choose to meet those challenges head on, and many times I have turned a possible negative situation into a positive one. When I do encounter hostile alpha males/females I interact courageously, and frankly, in a manner that they would never expect. Even if they're bigger, my actions cause them to back off and cease trying to intimidate me.

Could it be social programming that makes me think that what I'm doing is manipulative? When I don't hesitate, everything goes so smoothly, but then again, I feel like I'm manipulating/taking advantage/imposing my will upon people. Maybe manipulate is too negative a word. Influence is a better word for it. Maybe the solution is to realize that I have the power to influence people in a positive way, and I have to embrace that realization. I know that this is the next step I have to overcome, because my fear is pointing me in that direction.

Does anyone have any insight towards this area? Is there anything wrong with my logic? How can I put aside my ego and be humble when my spontaneous actions always put me in the spotlight? Yes, I do choose my words carefully, but actions speak much louder than words. I love being in the spotlight and facing my fears head-on. I love that rush that courses through my body, and it feels so empowering to be able to act gracefully through any situation. Could it be that I'm afraid of my own greatness? Could it be that I don't love myself enough yet to embrace my destiny? Maybe a shift of perspective is in order (positive influence instead of manipulation).

Sigh, more and more questions keep popping up the more I write and read what I'm writing. It feels good to get it off my chest though, in the hopes that someone on here understands what I'm feeling.

The overall perspective I feel from your post is that you are "trying" to be someone or something. The presence of 'trying' is prohibiting being. The whole story is just about you and your journey to become yourself. Knowing who you are now is the first step to leadership.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by fellowtraveler

Unfortunately you know not that of which you speak. You'll grow out of it. It's the narrowmindedness of youth.

The best leaders I've ever seen were so clever that those being led didn't even know it. The worst were always sure to make it clear who the leader was, and they always failed.

I don't think this statement is without many exceptions, unfortuneately.
I believe there are many forms of leadership and many motives and beliefs fueling the actions. Clever people can cleverly deceive and manipulate, and get away with it.

[WhiteLight]

Originally Posted by Maguru

The overall perspective I feel from your post is that you are "trying" to be someone or something. The presence of 'trying' is prohibiting being. The whole story is just about you and your journey to become yourself. Knowing who you are now is the first step to leadership.

Part of my confusion was that I was 'trying' to act in a way that portrayed humility and compassion. I was too afraid at the time to admit that I was acting out of a need for control. I was too deluded by how 'mature' I thought I was, and I honestly thought that I had moved past the need for control.

I thought I was being myself, but I knew there was something wrong. The question I was asking myself was, "Why was I 'trying' to be humble and act through loving kindness? Shouldn't that be the basis of my actions in the first place?" Now I know that I have a suppressed need to control people and situations in a way that is beneficial for me, or more specifically, my ego. At least now I can isolate the problem and work towards a state of egolessness because I have recognized that particular aspect of myself.

[WhiteLight]

Originally Posted by Maguru

Clever people can cleverly deceive and manipulate, and get away with it.

I think this also is a basis for my confusion. At times I can speak so eloquently, and insinuate what I want in such a subtle fashion. It's actually starting to become a habit. This is probably where my illusion of 'leading' stems from. I believed that I was 'leading', but I was manipulating people and events in such a 'clever' way that I was able to get away with it. However there was always that feeling that something just wasn't quite right.

[jsam]

The really good news, Whitelight, is that you are observing what you think and how you act. Many people operate without self-observation, which is mechanical behavior. Through objective self-observation you will learn much and grow far beyond the person you think you are right now.

Any occupation can be a catalyst for growth, with awareness; some are more difficult than others, and you need to determine if you are really helping yourself and others. If not, then perhaps you can find a different job that would work better for you at this time in your development.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by WhiteLight

I think this also is a basis for my confusion. At times I can speak so eloquently, and insinuate what I want in such a subtle fashion. It's actually starting to become a habit. This is probably where my illusion of 'leading' stems from. I believed that I was 'leading', but I was manipulating people and events in such a 'clever' way that I was able to get away with it. However there was always that feeling that something just wasn't quite right.

Your openess and honesty are so refreshing. These are fine leadership qualities rarely seen.