My pain body yelled at my mother

[Rose of Cairo]

I'd like to share what happened yesterday and ask you what you think about it. I'm feeling strange about it.

Background:

For over ten years now my mother has been obsessing over my overweight. She thinks I'm too fat and wants me to lose weight. Every time I'm visiting the family, she watches what I eat and subtly tries to pressure me into eating "healthy food". She subtly limits my food intake too, like my part of cake will be a bit smaller than those of others, but I'll get more vegetables... And if I eat some chocolate, she suddenly feels compelled to eat half of it (not because she truly wants it, but just so that I don't eat everything). If I eat something between the meals she immediately looks upset or makes some comment. Her behavior used to annoy me a lot, I hate having someone permanently watching my plate like this. It also hurt me that she doesn't like me just like I am. She says the fat is ugly.

Even when I went raw recently, she kept watching what I ate and pressuring me into eating what she thought I should eat. Like when I felt like eating lots of fat, I just ate lots of fat, and she nagged at me trying to make me eat something else, such things. I'm taking a break from the raw diet at the moment (ironically, because I lose weight very fast on the raw diet, it's great but I feel uncomfortable with such a quick weight loss, so I decided to take a break) which she doesn't agree with of course.

I asked her several times not to control my eating like this, I told her I appreciate her concern about my health and appearance but that I'd like to take care of this myself and I don't like her interfering with my business. I also told her it hurts me and isn't helpful for me in order to lose weight. Talking about it is perfectly useless, she keeps doing it over and over again, although she knows it pushes my buttons and she knows I get defiant and tend to eat more when she does it, so it's rather counter-productive. Sometimes I ask myself if she does it intentionally to provoke me, or if she's crazy.

What happened yesterday:

I was looking for cold water in the fridge. As I opened the door, a jar of something fell out of the fridge, because it's quite messy. I caught it in time, at the same moment my mom called me from another room. I closed the fridge and went to talk to her, still with this jar in my hand. We talked a few moments, then I turned around and was about to go when she asked what this jar is. I looked at it and read "raspberries 2008". "And what are you going to do with it?" she asked with a cold voice. "I'm going to eat it of course" I replied. It wasn't my intention to eat it, but I knew what she meant with her question so I got all defiant again. She turned her back to me and said "you're stupid!".

And in this moment, I don't know what happened with me. All of the sudden I got soooo angry. I've never felt so angry in my entire life. I started yelling at her that I'm fed up with her controling my food intake like this, that she eats just everything herself but watches my food all the time and that it pisses me off that she always wants me to lose weight. I was trembling with rage, my whole body was shaking, my voice, too, and even something inside of me. I was so angry that I couldn't see colors anymore, everything in the room looked white. I've never felt so loaded with energy. And my voice, it wasn't really my own voice, it was deeper and another personality. I completely lost control, listening to this voice and unable to control what I was saying. In the end I yelled "F**K!!!" and slammed the door.

I've never seen myself in such a state! I seriously think I could have killed someone in that moment. I'm a bit afraid at myself now. Later at night I read in A New Earth what Eckhart Tolle says about the pain body. This was my pain body, right? This wasn't me! There's no way this is me.

[carenkh]

Rose! It WAS you! It was beautiful, human you! What - you can't get angry? It must have been frightening to feel so out of control - but how wonderful that you expressed it! Wow - think of the *years* of suppressed rage that represented.

I'm supposed to be working, but just wanted to say: own it. You can't pass this off on some wimpy pain-body bulls***. This was YOU.

[pianoperformer]

Sounds like a lot of repressed rage exploding to the surface. It's probably good you got it out.

[Rose of Cairo]

I don't know, you guys... I don't think it was re/suppressed rage (or else I'd have posted this under "Emotional Mastery"). I've already had many arguments with her over this issue and I really don't think I repressed anything of what I felt. I've always clearly showed how much it annoyed me, and I have not always been mild in my way of expressing it. It's not like I said nothing all this time!

Of course I can get angry, and when I'm angry, I can very well yell, slam doors, kick the furniture or break a few dishes. I'm no harmless lamb, part of me is quite aggressive and potentially violent, I know that. But it's not the same. When I'm angry in a "normal" way, I might yell and bang my fist on the table, but I'm still in control of myself and it's still me.

This yesterday wasn't me. It's not only that I was out of control, it also felt very strange, almost surreal. This white light and all this... No seriously. And I could have killed someone. If that's me, I'm dangerous.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Wow Rose, get your Satanic Groove Thaaaang on, I like this new side of you!

You acted totally correctly, how old are you? But if my parents where still trying to control me much past the age of 25 I would be starting to get a bit peeved.

Its about time we, as a society, recognised the true power of anger and how healthy it is to express it, maybe you had a bit of control issues because it was all pent up, but now you can healthily release your anger in good, manageable doses.

[Kazeko]

Well well well...... it reminded me our long-ago conversation... I said "It was not me! it was something dark inside me, which I can't control!" You answered: "No! It was you! Take the responsibility!"

Now I return your words to you. It was you, darlin'. Don't be scared. You'll learn how to control it very soon. And congratulations. Your mother really deserves your reaction. Alas, who am I to judge....

P.S. Darn.... we're still connected in some strange mystical way. And it's almost a year since our first talk. Remember? (♥♥♥♥♥, my song, named so, would match the mood...)

[Jarrod]

The anger both is and isin't you. Part of you (or your energy) is present within the emotion. But the emotion isin't innately you.

To avoid emotions 'taking over' you need to always be watching for them. Look for thoughts in your mind and feelings in your chest/gut/muscles.

If you are alert to changes in your state you will see the moment anger rises and you will really see it. Stay separated, don't go along with it. This will weaken it and overtime it will leave.

It is the same with fear, everything.

[Calimero]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I don't know, you guys... I don't think it was re/suppressed rage (or else I'd have posted this under "Emotional Mastery"). I've already had many arguments with her over this issue and I really don't think I repressed anything of what I felt. I've always clearly showed how much it annoyed me, and I have not always been mild in my way of expressing it. It's not like I said nothing all this time!

Of course I can get angry, and when I'm angry, I can very well yell, slam doors, kick the furniture or break a few dishes. I'm no harmless lamb, part of me is quite aggressive and potentially violent, I know that. But it's not the same. When I'm angry in a "normal" way, I might yell and bang my fist on the table, but I'm still in control of myself and it's still me.

This yesterday wasn't me. It's not only that I was out of control, it also felt very strange, almost surreal. This white light and all this... No seriously. And I could have killed someone. If that's me, I'm dangerous.

The white light refers to who you are, it is a part of you. With your power you can hurt people deeply but you will only do that if they continue to hurt you deeply and don't give you enough distance to grow on your own.
If she can't respect your gentle demand to keep some distance...and you don't take that distance yourself (stay away for a while from your mom, or meat each other only when there is no "eating" so that there can be no comment) than your strongest power will come up and blow her to a certain distance.
Don't be afraid of the power that you have....it was not given to you to kill someone and you won't even when such an anger comes up again.

I remember a day in my life where I smashed furniture that hard that the chairs didn't look like chairs anymore. It were metal ones and there was nothing left but some scrap. It never happened again since that day. Once you are aware of how much power you have, you will soon find out why you have it....and how to avoid such a discharge.

[Honeywith4bees]

Maybe it felt so alien and uncomfortable to you because it goes against "harmony" in your mind.

But maybe it's just another way to create "harmony"? After all, your Mother doesn't seem to hear you when you express yourself in other ways.

[Michele321]

Hi Rose,

I could see this making a teeny bit of sense if you were 13 or 14 (the way your mother treats you). But if you are an adult, it is entirely out of place.

I have a 22 year old daughter who is extremely overweight. I never say anything to her about it. She knows. She is smart enough to do something about it if she chooses, and I will help her if she asks. To be the eating police is just wrong.

I think that even though you have told her time and again to back off, she has never heard you. That was what the pent up rage was about. It is so frustrating when you feel that someone close to you doesn't really listen. So you had to get dramatic to try to make her hear you. GOOD FOR YOU!

I also don't think you were really capable of killing someone. Rage just feels like you might like to. You're an intelligent young lady who knows. Your mother needs to start respecting you and treating you as such.

Michele

[Calimero]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

For over ten years now my mother has been obsessing over my overweight. . It also hurt me that she doesn't like me just like I am.
Even when I went raw recently,

Why did you start the raw recently? Just for your mother or because you felt you had to do so?

Do you accept yourself? Who you really are?
Many people with overweight have it because they don't accept who they are in the first place.

There are also people that don't feel accepted in general....and can't figure out why. When they don't find an answer why the are not accepted...they introduce something in their lives that is not really a part of them but it makes it reasonable to them why others don't accept them.
Eating to much and get some overweight could be also a way to provide you a reason why someone does not accept you the way you are. But it is not the real reason, it is one that you chose for to be the reason.

I can't say I know you, so that is why I put some different things out here.

Another way to look at your mothers behavior could be....that she doesn't accept that you don't accept who you are. Maybe she knows that you are hiding your real self behind some overweight....because other people don't accept you the way you are.

Just some thoughts.

[uberinquisitive]

Yes, it was your pain-body.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

When I'm angry in a "normal" way, I might yell and bang my fist on the table, but I'm still in control of myself and it's still me.

Actually, this is also your pain-body. Just not as "heavy" as the pain-body yesterday.

When your pain-body is triggered - that is NOT you.

To paraphrase Tolle: If a woman was possessed by a demon, would you say that she is the demon? No, you would say that she is possessed by a demon. You pain-body is like a demon.

On an Oprah webinar, Tolle jokingly said something like, "duck, because the pain body might throw something at you!" Note that he called it "the pain-body" instead of "someone who is really mad." Pain-bodies truly are NOT you.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

This yesterday wasn't me. It's not only that I was out of control, it also felt very strange, almost surreal. This white light and all this... No seriously. And I could have killed someone. If that's me, I'm dangerous.

You are not dangerous. It seems that, to get this murderous reaction from you - one would have to spend YEARS getting under your skin.

Your challenge is to:

• Reduce the pain-body in general, by reducing your identification with ego
• Until then, keep your pain-body from reaching the "point of no return."

I certainly struggle with this issue - although I must say, my pain-body has significantly decreased after intense studying of PoN, ANE, and watching all ten Oprah/Tolle webinars (while taking notes). Using EFT while my pain body is "sleeping" is also extremely helpful.

[Angela]

Your mom is lucky you weren't inspired to bean her in the head with that jar of raspberries!

I think your painbody did get activated. Nobody can reactivate old pain like a Mom; after all, she was probably around when the pain was initiated! I get that you felt angry and powerless and frustrated, and all that emotion is there for a purpose. It's feedback, Rose. For all these years you've been trying to survive your mother's behavior (and she is trying to survive by behaving that way). And it has been working! You have both survived. (maybe just barely from the sound of it! )

But now that you have some new tools in your belt, Warrior Woman, your path includes not just survival, but Mastery. The ways you've been coping just are not working well, and now you have the opportunity to take something new and inspiring on that will work better. In my experience, a powerful way to do that is to look boldly at what you've been pretending -- what you haven't been being authentic about. As Steve might say, to align with Truth.

Are you willing now to go beyond Coping/Survival and enter into the realm of Mastery in the area of your relationship with your mother?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Wow Rose, get your Satanic Groove Thaaaang on, I like this new side of you!

lol *grin* Yeah, I can imagine that you like this side of me, Akashic! It felt very powerful indeed, I felt like a terrible wizard!

Its about time we, as a society, recognised the true power of anger and how healthy it is to express it, maybe you had a bit of control issues because it was all pent up, but now you can healthily release your anger in good, manageable doses.

Again, I don't think anything was pent up. I've always expressed my anger when I felt some in the past.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Kazeko

Well well well...... it reminded me our long-ago conversation... I said "It was not me! it was something dark inside me, which I can't control!" You answered: "No! It was you! Take the responsibility!"

I take it back. I was wrong. It wasn't you, it was your pain body. We still need to take responsibility for it though But it's not the real you. Just like this thing was not the real me, I swear.

Originally Posted by Kazeko

P.S. Darn.... we're still connected in some strange mystical way. And it's almost a year since our first talk. Remember?

Of course. I'm you. We're all connected

Originally Posted by Jarrod

To avoid emotions 'taking over' you need to always be watching for them. Look for thoughts in your mind and feelings in your chest/gut/muscles.

If you are alert to changes in your state you will see the moment anger rises and you will really see it.

Well, that's it... I usually have no problem with anger management. I usually have no problem at all with dealing with my emotions. Usually I also always feel that I'm getting angry (or any other emotion) and can choose what I want to do with it.

This time it was completely different. It happened without any warning. Within half a second I got from zero anger to full size anger. It was like switching the light on: click! And Rose becomes a monster.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Maybe it felt so alien and uncomfortable to you because it goes against "harmony" in your mind.

Hmm... I'm not sure it felt uncomfortable. I mean, it felt very weird and strange, but also extremely powerful. This light and shaking and deep voice... I felt like a terrible wizard, like I said above. It was more like being on drugs than feeling uncomfortable!

But maybe it's just another way to create "harmony"? After all, your Mother doesn't seem to hear you when you express yourself in other ways.

That's true... But you know, I'm sure it won't change anything. My whole family, they yell at each other regularly, and then after they're all upset for an hour, they've forgotten about it and don't even talk about it anymore. So I don't think this will be life-altering for her.

[Dannyboy1]

I think people misinterpret what the pain body is. Saying it's your pain body doesn't pass the blame. Tolle's teachings are not about anger suppression at all. Whoever said that should read the book so they understand instead of guessing what it means. He doesn't say to surpress the emotions. He tells you to observe it. Feel it and observe it. That's the simple answer. Read the book if you want more.

It wasn't the real you. It's good that you found how deep your pain was. Now you need to work on understanding it. Sounds like a breakthrough to me!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Michele321

I could see this making a teeny bit of sense if you were 13 or 14 (the way your mother treats you). But if you are an adult, it is entirely out of place.

I'm 29!

I have a 22 year old daughter who is extremely overweight. I never say anything to her about it.

Thank you for her That's awesome.

I think that even though you have told her time and again to back off, she has never heard you. That was what the pent up rage was about. It is so frustrating when you feel that someone close to you doesn't really listen. So you had to get dramatic to try to make her hear you.

I don't know. Even when I get dramatic it doesn't reach her. I know that.

I also don't think you were really capable of killing someone. Rage just feels like you might like to.

No, I did NOT feel like killing her, or anybody else. But I was very clearly aware of the fact that I was able to kill someone in that moment. I normally am not able to kill anybody. But in that moment I was feeling very powerful and completely free of any empathy. (and out of control) I didn't feel the urge to kill anybody but I knew I could do it in a heartbeat. That's what was so scary. The Power and the Disconnectedness.

You're an intelligent young lady who knows. Your mother needs to start respecting you and treating you as such.

Thank you, but I don't think I can change her on that one.

Originally Posted by Calimero

Why did you start the raw recently? Just for your mother or because you felt you had to do so?

Not at all for my mother! And not in order to lose weight either. And not because I had to do so either. It was a choice. I did it for health reasons (I've got much more energy on raw foods) but mostly for spiritual reasons, because I experience a tremendously increased clarity of mind and I feel much, much more harmonious on raw foods. I want to generate and express harmony and going raw was one step on this path. I also have other reasons for going raw, for instance because I like doing crazy extreme things and because it's a challenge, it's difficult, and I love challenges. I also hate being dependent on something, and on raw foods I'm not dependent on food whereas I feel dependent on food when I ate cooked. There are many reasons but all unrelated to my mother.

Do you accept yourself? Who you really are?
Many people with overweight have it because they don't accept who they are in the first place.

That's a good question! I guess not entirely. There are still aspects of myself that I have a hard time coping with, yes.

Eating to much and get some overweight could be also a way to provide you a reason why someone does not accept you the way you are. But it is not the real reason, it is one that you chose for to be the reason.

Hmmm... I feel very accepted as I am by others. This wasn't the case when I was younger, but I knew why they didn't accept me, so no need to create overweight as an explanation. Now I feel very much accepted, just not by my mother and myself.

I can't say I know you, so that is why I put some different things out here.

Thank you I very much appreciate your efforts to help me (same for all other posters here, thank you so much!)

Another way to look at your mothers behavior could be....that she doesn't accept that you don't accept who you are. Maybe she knows that you are hiding your real self behind some overweight....because other people don't accept you the way you are.

HONESTLY I think she wants me to hide my real self behind my overweight, and I think she is the one person in my life that accepts me less of all. That being said, maybe I'm being paranoid.

She says things like "you'd be so beautiful if only you were thin!", yes. But at the same time she keeps pushing my fat-button. And she knows I eat more and gain weight when she does. So if she really wanted me to lose weight, she'd let me alone already.

[Angela]

Rose, do you think she "needs" you feel inferior and button-pushed in this matter because she is desperately trying to feel good about herself, and this is one area in which she feels she can "compete" with you? She certainly is powerful in it, because you really do get activated.

What if you were to ju-jitsu her, and turn her power back onto herself?

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Yes, it was your pain-body.

Yes, I think so too. What I read in A New Earth directly after this crisis was so spot-on and explained it so well.

It also explains (maybe) why my mother keeps pushing this button again and again although she knows it creates trouble. Maybe that's her pain body? Tolle says our pain body want to provoke the pain body of others intentionally to create trouble and get fed this way. Maybe that's also why I claimed I would eat the raspberries, to provoke her?

Actually, this is also your pain-body. Just not as "heavy" as the pain-body yesterday.

True, you're right.

When your pain-body is triggered - that is NOT you.

Thanks! Kazeko, it wasn't you either!

You are not dangerous. It seems that, to get this murderous reaction from you - one would have to spend YEARS getting under your skin.

Hmm... that's true, too. On the other hand, who knows?

Your challenge is to:

• Reduce the pain-body in general, by reducing your identification with ego
• Until then, keep your pain-body from reaching the "point of no return."

Yes, and I'm already committed to do so. I'll watch the webinars too. Thank you.

Originally Posted by Angela

Nobody can reactivate old pain like a Mom; after all, she was probably around when the pain was initiated!

I can't remember anything that initiated this pain. Except for my mother herself of course, by permanently making fun of my "enormous boobs" and "big butt" when I was a teenager. That's the first time I felt fat. (but I wasn't yet, at all).

I get that you felt angry and powerless and frustrated

I usually feel angry and powerless and frustrated when she does it again because I don't understand why she does it, and why she doesn't listen, and why she doesn't love me the way I am (thus, doesn't love me). But this time I felt no frustration. Like I said, I felt very powerful, and I got so madly angry so fast that I had no time to feel bad, or frustrated, or anything like that.

In my experience, a powerful way to do that is to look boldly at what you've been pretending -- what you haven't been being authentic about. As Steve might say, to align with Truth.

Yes, and that's one of my current intentions, I just don't know how to do it concretely. But Steve wrote about that in his book

Are you willing now to go beyond Coping/Survival and enter into the realm of Mastery in the area of your relationship with your mother?

I'd prefer not to think about my relationship with my mother

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

It wasn't the real you. It's good that you found how deep your pain was.

Do you think that's what it was about? Does the big anger mean big pain?

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

Now you need to work on understanding it. Sounds like a breakthrough to me!

Understanding what? And how?


Thank you so much all of you!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rose, do you think she "needs" you feel inferior and button-pushed in this matter because she is desperately trying to feel good about herself, and this is one area in which she feels she can "compete" with you? She certainly is powerful in it, because you really do get activated.

Well... She for sure feels bad about herself. She can't stand pictures of herself, hates her nose, has low self-esteem and doesn't take care of her appearance, and so on. I can imagine it could make her feel better to have other people feel bad about themselves around her. But at the same I cannot really believe she would do such a thing just to better her own self-esteem.

I think she got jealous of my figure when I was a teen, she always made fun of me because I have a very feminine body. She's always been very thin, with almost no breast and not very feminine curves. She's pretty and if she dressed nicely and did her hair correctly she would be very good looking. Her figure is exactly what's fashionable now, much more than mine. The problem is she thinks the kind of figure I have is more beautiful and sexier. That's why I think deep down she's glad that I hide it behind so much fat. But then again, I feel bad for saying such a thing. Maybe I just have a nasty fantasy.

What if you were to ju-jitsu her, and turn her power back onto herself?

How??


Edit: I think it has nothing to do with me, it's maybe just her pain body pushing mine to get fed? Like Tolle explained...

[Calimero]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Not at all for my mother! And not in order to lose weight either. And not because I had to do so either. It was a choice. I did it for health reasons (I've got much more energy on raw foods) but mostly for spiritual reasons, because I experience a tremendously increased clarity of mind and I feel much, much more harmonious on raw foods. I want to generate and express harmony and going raw was one step on this path. I also have other reasons for going raw, for instance because I like doing crazy extreme things and because it's a challenge, it's difficult, and I love challenges. I also hate being dependent on something, and on raw foods I'm not dependent on food whereas I feel dependent on food when I ate cooked. There are many reasons but all unrelated to my mother.

. Now I feel very much accepted, just not by my mother and myself.

HONESTLY I think she wants me to hide my real self behind my overweight, and I think she is the one person in my life that accepts me less of all. That being said, maybe I'm being paranoid.

She says things like "you'd be so beautiful if only you were thin!", yes. But at the same time she keeps pushing my fat-button. And she knows I eat more and gain weight when she does. So if she really wanted me to lose weight, she'd let me alone already.

I am in fact glad to hear that going for raw food is a choice that you made for yourself and for many reasons that are your own.
As you say that you do it for spiritual reasons, to grow and have more energy....could explain where this powerful reaction came from.
More energy gives you more power.


So the only one that not seem to accept you is your mother. But you can't change your mother. You could only change yourself towards her.
Do you need her acceptance to live your life?
Does contact with her bothers you to much to grow and live your own life?
Or let me ask it in the terminology of Steve....Are you going to tolerate her behavior or her presence that seems not to be compatible to your own energies for much longer?
Is there a way to stay in contact with your mother in a way that "food matters" are absent?

And yes it is possible that she makes you hiding your real self behind some overweight, than the question remains, how long are you going to tolerate that?

And than there is a big difference between thin and being at a healthy weight.
You probably heard about BMI. I don't know if your mother has.
But it is a good way to check weather you really have overweight. Those days people exaggerate about being thin or skinny.
Body mass index - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I am sure you are going to be fine and find your way.
Don't worry to much about that huge power you felt. You must be happy to know that you have that much power, no matter what your mother sees as acceptable. You don't have to follow her standards for beauty, but your own.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Do you think that's what it was about? Does the big anger mean big pain? Understanding what? And how?

I think you've built resentment and it also reflects how you feel about yourself. You wouldn't get so angry if you didn't feel like you've failed yourself. You need to first realize where the pain is coming from and accept who you are now. Then, you need to decide what to do about it from here on out. Are you going to accept yourself for who you are and be happy? Or, do you want to make some changes? If you're just going to be happy, you need to be prepared for your mother's jabs and make a plan to deal with it. If you decide you want to lose weight, you must accept where you are at now and be happy that you're making a plan to change.

[The Cloud]

It was probably your pain body, but it was YOUR pain body. If you have a dog and it attacks somebody, it is your responsibility. It's the same with the pain body.

However, responsibility is not blame, although they are so often confused. It isn't your fault, or your mother's fault, or anyone else's fault what happened. But it is your responsibility. Take a hold of what is yours.

On a more personal note, I almost had something like that happen to me once. I was under a lot of pressure at the time, and in a really terrible mood, but I think it's the same thing. I hardly remember, but it involved my then roommate and a key. I think he had lost his, and the person with his new key had come by when he wasn't there and had given the key to me. Anyways, as I was in a bad mood, I was about to go take a walk to cool off. Suddenly my friend asks me in a rather peeved off way if I could get him his key. That meant going all the way back upstairs to the room that I had just left. I stormed up the stairs, got the key, and thrust it into his hand. I swear, if my self-control had slipped by even the smallest amount I would have decked him right there and then, and I have never hit anybody in my entire life. I left the building immediately after that, and it was two blocks before I could even get my breathing under control. I have never felt that way before or since, but I always wondered what would have happened if I had let go.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

It was probably your pain body, but it was YOUR pain body. If you have a dog and it attacks somebody, it is your responsibility. It's the same with the pain body.

However, responsibility is not blame, although they are so often confused. It isn't your fault, or your mother's fault, or anyone else's fault what happened. But it is your responsibility. Take a hold of what is yours.

I absolutely agree with you and would like to take responsibility for it, even though I'm relieved that this "thing" isn't the "real me".

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sorry it happened, but very happy to hear that someone as thoughtful and calm as you are is able to get that angry too. Wow, if even you can have something like this happen to you, then a hothead like me can, too. Let's work on our pain bodies

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

You wouldn't get so angry if you didn't feel like you've failed yourself.

Really? Hmm.. how so? *starts thinking a lot*

You need to first realize where the pain is coming from

Well, when she subtly tries to push me into losing weight, the message I hear is "you're not ok like you are" and this for me translates to "I don't really love you". That's what hurts. She's my MOTHER, not a lover who needs to find me sexy. Why doesn't she like me just as I am, with or without fat?

and accept who you are now.

Yeah... *cough, cough* Still struggling with this one, but for mostly other reasons than my overweight.

Are you going to accept yourself for who you are and be happy?

That's my goal! Not there yet, but I'd like to.

Or, do you want to make some changes?

I'm permanently developing myself and making some changes, it doesn't prevent me from accepting myself and being happy, does it?

If you decide you want to lose weight, you must accept where you are at now and be happy that you're making a plan to change.

Well... I've always wanted to lose weight, but now that I am actually losing weight I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. At first I was very very happy to see the weight go down, but then after a while... I felt some huge resistance, to the point that I broke the raw diet off temporarily, despite of all the great benefits I have from it otherwise. Losing this weight felt like giving in! It made me angry. It also felt very weird, like not being myself anymore. So now I don't really know if I want to lose weight or not anymore!

Maybe I'm being identified with this fat? Maybe it's part of my identity? After all I've been overweight since I'm a teen, I don't even know what I look like without the fat. Ego ego ego?

[Angela]

Yeah, very interesting... you so want your mother to accept and love you exactly as you are and exactly as you are not, but when you think about doing that for yourself (or for her!! accepting and loving her exactly as she is and exactly as she is not?!? Ai chihuahua!) it is very confronting -- something you are "still struggling with"? Whooo-boy.

[Angela]

p.s.... if I had someone in my life telling me how stupid and ugly I am all the time, I can easily imagine putting on a few pounds to subconsciously pad and protect myself from the onslaught.

[Dannyboy1]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Really? Hmm.. how so? *starts thinking a lot*

That's my goal! Not there yet, but I'd like to.


I'm permanently developing myself and making some changes, it doesn't prevent me from accepting myself and being happy, does it?


Well... I've always wanted to lose weight, but now that I am actually losing weight I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. At first I was very very happy to see the weight go down, but then after a while... I felt some huge resistance, to the point that I broke the raw diet off temporarily, despite of all the great benefits I have from it otherwise. Losing this weight felt like giving in! It made me angry. It also felt very weird, like not being myself anymore. So now I don't really know if I want to lose weight or not anymore!

Maybe I'm being identified with this fat? Maybe it's part of my identity? After all I've been overweight since I'm a teen, I don't even know what I look like without the fat. Ego ego ego?

How so? Well, let's put it this way. I'm tall. I'm 6'2". My mother could rip on me all she wants about being short. She could be as mean as she wants, but it wouldn't hurt me because I know I'm tall. Now, bring it one step back. My parents thought I was wasting my life being a comedian and an actor, but I didn't care because I knew that's what I was meant to do. They couldn't wear me down no matter how hard they tried. I never felt bad about it because I believe in it. If you're that angry, maybe you don't believe in being overweight. You just don't want anyone pushing you to do what you know you already need to do. I don't know you. I could be way off, but that's one possibility.

It does seem you identify with it, which is ego. Maybe you feel smaller and weaker mentally when you lose weight. People may treat you with less respect in some ways because you're smaller. People don't stand up to bigger people as easily. It sounds like you've maybe enjoyed some aspects of being big and that's why you're resisting. You need to look at those feelings out in the open and decide which is a better choice for you. Once you shine a light on the reasons you're resisting, you may realize how unimportant they really are to you. Or, you may decide you can't part with them.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Dannyboy1

maybe you don't believe in being overweight.

Of course I don't want to be overweight! Well, that's what I thought till now. I've tried so many methods to lose weight and none of them really worked. It was a great suffering. Now that I have found one that works wonderfully, I feel uncomfortable with losing weight.

You just don't want anyone pushing you to do what you know you already need to do.

That's true. And certainly not someone whose business my fat is NOT. Especially not someone who has always been skinny and has no f***ing clue about how it is to be overweight and how difficult it is to lose weight! It's so easy to be thin and eat whatever you want all your life and then tell others how to eat. Sorry, getting angry again.

As for the reasons not to lose weight and all the fears related to being thin, I've already worked through them with EFT, so I thought it'd be ok now... but obviously it isn't.

[Mewwy]

Hi Rose,

You seem to think the pain body element of the incident is entirely your responsibility - which isn't wrong, but I find communicating a lot less tiresome when it comes to dissolving pain body.

My mom does the same thing to me often. Sometimes I ask her why she so often picks on what she didn't like about me. She may disregard my need to understand at first, but I've offered some compromising, such as saying "Accept me eating things between meals but I'll exercise to burn up those calories." Hope that sounds ok