Helping others recognise that beliefs are choices.

[Will Worth]

I hope many of you have felt the same sense of liberation that I had when I began to realise that beliefs are choices, and what implications this has.

I know this may seem very obvious to most of you, given Steve's extensive, informative writing on the subject, but I'd like to ask for help/advice.

I see my elder sister constantly stressed out and upset by beliefs and interpretations that she is creating. Naturally, I want her to be happy, and have tried, repeatedly, to suggest a lot of her drama is self created.

My sister is an intelligent, highly successful business woman in her thirties. I, by contrast, am 25, and not, at least in a conventional sense, career oriented. It may not, therefore, come as much of a surprise that as my value system doesn't match hers, she isn't very receptive.

This is my first post, and already too long, but to summarise, can anybody offer any advice as to how I can communicate, compassionately, that this person's misery is largely self imposed?

I know this is a big ask, and really appreciate and advice you can offer. Reading this back, I can see this could be read as if I think I know it all, but I hope you all appreciate that's not what's driving me here.

Love and light,

Will

P.S. Being new here, I'm unsure I've posted in the correct section. Please feel free to move, or suggest a more suitable place for this...

[Holistic Star]

I can understand your frustration - it's not easy when we see people we care about hurting.

Please continue to resist the temptation to rush in and tell her bluntly that her misery is largely self imposed! (I'm guessing from your post that you haven't done this yet). As you say, she isn't very receptive at the moment and the difference in your ages means that you are very much her baby brother so she is unlikely to listen to you!

I also think that you will need to let go of your need to change her. Yes she is hurting and upset, but she will only change when she is ready. You can guide her gently to your world view, but you cannot impose it on her.

So first off, start with yourself. What is it about her actions that upsets you so much. How will you deal with that part of you that is annoyed with her for not seeing what is so obvious to you? How can you love her and accept her just as she is now without judging her? What can you do to support her and show her you care for her without trying to change her?

Then sit down and listen to her. Not with a view to impose your own solutions, but really listen to how she feels and thinks. She may need to really talk through some of her feelings to release them. It may be that she creates dramas in her life so she has some attention, so give her postive attention by listening to her and valuing her and ignore all the dramas. (I appreciate this isn't easy) try this article for info

Over time you can gently drip feed your ideas such as telling stories about how you used to think and how you have changed. She may reject those ideas initially, but if you live them and embody them fully you are then giving her a postive role model for change.

I'm new to using the LoA, but you might visualise a healthy happy life for her and send loving thoughts her way.

[ChampionsChoice]

What a great question! I deal with the same issues with a few of my family members. What I have learned is that you really can't change them, and not to try.

When you know how amazing it is that YOU ARE RESPONIBLE for how you think and feel---its one of the BEST gifts in this life experience! You just want to share it with everyone, don't you?

If you must, I encourage you to tread lightly by asking her questions that really gets to the core of her stress.

[Alvin]

Hi Will,

I'd second what Holistic Star said. In my years of being a coach, one of the biggest mistakes I've seen eager new coaches make is seeking to be understood before they understand.

People invariably shut down when they're told what to do before they feel others understand why they do what they do.

I'd suggest you keep in mind these 2 powerful PD concepts which have served me well:

1) Seek first to understand, then be understood. Only when you know where your sister is coming from can you really help her, and like Star said, the very act of feeling understood by someone helps take a load off already.

2) There is a positive intention behind every behavior, whether the behavior is positive or not. People who smoke know it's bad for them, bt they smoke anyway, maybe because they want to relax. She may be overworking herself, for e.g., but for what? Perhaps she's looking to achieve.

Whatever she's doing now, there are positive intentions driving her whether she's aware of them consciously or not, whether the behaviors and results are positive or not.

3) Tell stories. Using indirect methods to persuade someone can be more useful than telling them outright sometimes. Like Star said, instead of saying, 'hey, there's this subjective belief thing and I think it'd work for you', tell her a personal story of how you didn't believe it (like her), what made you change, and how it's benefited you.

Or take her out to an inspiring movie, or give her a book that talks about subjective belief systems.

I'm not knocking the direct persuasion method, but when one is the best to use is a judgment call I best leave up to you

4) Be the change you want to see in the world. I didn't say that, Gandhi did. 'Nuff said

[AndyMartin]

This is a very hard point. You want to ease somebody's suffering, and you know what has eased your own suffering, so you begin to feel, if only they would do what you have done, that would solve their problems. And maybe it's even true, though less often, I suspect, than we think.

The question is, how did you bridge the desire to help her into the need to convince her?

What we often forget is no aspect of our growth experience is a binary state, and we're just waiting for others to click in. Growth occurs in all directions and in many dimensions, which means that each of us is underdeveloped in our own unique ways. And what we so easily see as simple decisions are really steps in a staircase, and it's real easy to get stuck in front of that creaky step that looks like it's about to collapse.

It's important to understand that no step in development can be left out. And most of us aren't equipped to know what another person needs next. It is my opinion that the best thing we can do to help somebody is to help them begin to search for their next step, rather than to persuade them to our last step.

[Will Worth]

Thank you all for your responses. You've given me a lot to think about before saying anything more.

Perhaps some of you have noticed that often when trying to understand the universe/consciousness/etc the answer is very regularly simultaneously both far simpler and far more complex than you first thought possible.

Your responses have opened a mental can of worms for me. There is a lot of work and a huge growth opportunity here for me, quite appart from my sister.

Thank you all.