| |||||||
| Spirituality, Consciousness, & Awareness Spirituality, beliefs, the nature of reality, consciousness, awareness, metaphysics, truth, philosophy, religion |
|
Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
10-25-2007, 01:39 AM
| |||
| |||
 Why am I still unhappy?
I have been unhappy for a very long time. I'm still unhappy, and I'm not sure all of the reasons why. Is there like some sort of formula you can utilize to make yourself happy, and no, sorry NLP and EFT doesn;t work for me. I'm talking about real changes in my life.
     |
|
10-25-2007, 03:38 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
|
|
10-25-2007, 06:04 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
"Why am I still unhappy?", written another way "I am still unhappy, why?" You've already decided you are unhappy, and now you are looking for proof. You probably already have a lot of proof that you are unhappy, your upbringing/past, your family/friends/peers, your job/work, and you probably have lots of reasons why you are unhappy. All of that has nothing to do with the fact that you are unhappy, only your views do. It's very hard to become happy when you are still unhappy. It's completely incompatible. The way you think about everything in your life is what mood you end up with. If you think unhappy, you will be unhappy. The only way to become happy is to stop focusing on thinking you are unhappy, and start focusing on thinking you are happy. Increase those things in your life that you consider make you happy, and decrease those that don't. As for the idea that "ignoring the problem won't make it go away", you are right, but this is the focus of your attention. You can still have a problem and work on fixing it, but if you aren't working on it, and thinking about it makes you unhappy, don't think about it! Just like if you have your hand on a hot stove and it would get burnt, you don't then ignore the stove, you just remember that it hurts and appropriately keep your hand off it. If thinking about something makes you unhappy, stop thinking about it. This does work, even if it may sound silly, but putting it into practice is hard, and it takes a while to shift focus. It may take a year to go from unhappy to happy, but if after a year you are happy for the rest of your life, then it was worth it. Anything that is worth it takes time. I hope you've seen something for yourself out of this, even if it was a little forthright. |
|
10-25-2007, 06:15 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Actually I just remembered some happiness formulas. Here is a few you could try: a + b = m Where a is you, b is the entire universe, and m is true meaning in life. In this case, the union between things that are seemingly completely different, but are actually necessary for each others existence, is the cause of the birth of understanding, happiness and meaning. Similar to the way the union between sound and silence creates music. Going against it and trying to make yourself the only focus, is like having a song that is completely composed of a single tone or a continuous silence. The meaning is lost. -d + x = C -d is a negative value that stands for your desires. x is whatever it is that will fulfill those desires. So basically, fulfilling your desires will result in contentment (C). The problem with this formula is that you constantly develop new desires. Even the desire to be happy causes unhappiness. Wanting it implies that you lack it. Here is a more ideal version of that formula: = C No desires, no desire to fulfill your desires, nothing left to want or need... Just contentment. Well, there they are, plain and simple. Good luck putting them into practice lol.  |
|
10-25-2007, 08:07 AM
| |||
| |||
|
Hi Chado Sorry to hear that you are unhappy. Without specific details of your situation it is hard to comment - however I have put together some general thoughts about things I have found out during my own quest for happiness. And yes I used EFT and more recently NLP because they do work. 1. For deeply ingrained issues it may take time to find the root cause. Because it is so deeply ingrained it isn't easy to spot and also most likely has a load of other issues tangled round it which need to be fixed first. 2. You can achieve what you want - however it may be that you deal with one big issue, plateau for a bit, deal with another, have a rest, pick up and deal with another.... it may need time and perseverance to get there. 3. Working with someone who understands how to dig deeply and won't let you off the hook is the best present you can give yourself. When working on your own it is too easy to avoid difficult subjects or not even realise they are there. 4. Even if you do work with someone you have to stick at it. I know so many practitioners who say that after a few successful sessions they realise their client is probably going to to make a major breakthrough in their next session. Suddenly the client cancels the session, doesn't turn up etc. It's like the client subconsciously knows things will change in that session and is freaked out by the reality of it. Where do you back off from making major changes in your life? 5. The work you do between sessions is just as important as the sessions themselves. Doing a few rounds of EFT each week, but not consciously choosing to focus on gratitude, love, abundance inbetween means that progress towards happiness will be very slow. What did you do between each EFT or NLP session? 6. When using EFT it is so important to get your issues to zero. Going from a 10 to a 4 might feel a bit better in the session, but it is still at a 4. It means the issue is still there and in your life and will still be tangled up in other issues and showing up in your life. Making a commitment to get each major issue to zero will have the effect of toppling lots of other little issues along the way. Are you sure that when you used EFT you got each aspect you worked on to zero, or did you just get it to go down a point or two? 7. EFT is touted as an instant cure. In the case of single issue phobias this can be true. (i.e. biten by dog as child, now has phobia of dogs). In my own case I completely cleared a major trauma in a 2 hour session. However that didn't mean there weren't loads of other things to tap on before I reached my goal. A friend of mine has a notebook and crossed out are 4000 separate issues that she has cleared with EFT and she is still tapping on new issues every day and she is one of the happiest and most relaxed people I know. Are you expecting it to be an instant transformation? 8. I found I get really excited when I stumble upon another limiting belief because it means I can clear it and make a change in my life. How do you feel when you find you have a limiting belief? What limiting beliefs have you already identified? 9. Is it true that you are always unhappy? 100% of the time - no exceptions? Does nothing bring a smile to your face or would you laugh if I told you a joke? If you can laugh and be happy even for a minute how will you expand on that state and have it in your life? 10. As yourself what you get out of being unhappy. What is the state of being unhappy protecting you from? What does it mean that you don't have to face up to. What don't you have to do if you are unhappy that you would have to do if you were happy? You asked for a formula. - decide what you want to get out of life. Make it real and meaningful for you (not someone else's ideas for you) - keep focus on what you want - be excited about it - notice where negative thoughts creep in about your goals (there be your blocks) - remove those blocks - keep being grateful for what you already have - ensure that you take a small step everyday that takes you towards your goal - take several big leaps as well - have a support network around you that supports and encourages you to achieve what you want. You can do it - keep going! mmm - think I might blog this post!
__________________ Twitter: Follow Me |
|
10-25-2007, 08:13 AM
| |||
| |||
|
Ooh, that phrase "I am" is very powerful... Use with care  "I am unhappy" is such a definite pronouncement on how you see your reality and it doesn't leave any room for change or improvement in the situation. That said, it's very difficult to go from "I am unhappy" to "I am happy" in one big leap, so try adding process-type statements after your "I am"s. For example: I am finding things to be grateful for every day, I am starting to become happier each day, I am feeling a bit better about my life every day etc. Changing your words really can start to change your reality. |
|
10-25-2007, 08:58 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
I'm glad EFT and NLP works for you, but unfortunately they don't work for me. At one point in my life they did, but this time the only thing that is going to help is for circumstances to change. But I don't know how to change those circumstances. |
|
10-25-2007, 09:32 AM
| |||
| |||
|
Like a mirror, your outer reality reflects what is going on inside of you. Your external circumstances will only change when your internal changes. You really do have to "be the change you want to see in the world". I understand your frustration, I really do. But this frustration will only increase if you keep focusing on the external circumstances at the expense of your internal dialogue. An example from my recent work with this (I know it's not directly about happiness, but the process is the same - hopefully using an example from something slightly more concrete will help...): I'm writing a book. A couple of weeks ago I hit a dead end. No ideas, no inspiration. Okay, maybe this is a bit about happiness (or lack of), because I was miserable, with a capital M After being in this state for about a week, I started listening to myself... "I am stuck", "I am so frustrated", "I have no idea where to go next", "I just don't know what to do"... Since the universe just gives us back what we put out, guess what I was getting? Yip, stuckness, frustration, no ideas. Nada. So, I thought I'd start saying something different, even though I didn't really feel 100% there: "I am open to inspiration", "I am receiving inspiration", "I am grateful for ideas that come to me"... Later that day, I had my first creative thought of the week (ok, to LoA people, I know... all my thoughts that week were creative, this was just the first positive one  ). But you get the point - I changed my internal dialogue, even though it felt like a bit of a leap, and my external reality started to change around me. I've kept up the more positive dialogue and the ideas keep coming. It does feel like a leap when you don't currently see yourself where you want to be. That's why you have to start with process type stuff, something that feels credible to you at this point in time, like really focusing on the few things you mention that you are grateful for. And, you also have to have a bit of faith... leap and the net will appear, I promise You have the most control over your own internal dialogue - do one of Steve's 30 day experiments perhaps, and see where it leads you...? (PS: I know it's all related, but I've never personally used EFT and NLP...) |
|
10-25-2007, 03:02 PM
| |||
| |||
|
Holistic Star, that was a fantastic post. Thanks for sharing.
__________________ I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of our lives. --Green Day The more I see, the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go. --Red Hot Chili Peppers |
|
10-25-2007, 05:25 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
I believe that life is what you make it, and I believe in the law of attraction, and I believe in dietary and lifestyle changes, and I believe that there are a lot of people taking medications that don't need to be. That said, imbalances in neurotransmitter levels (and hormone levels) are very real and very powerful. We have the technology to treat these things. It's worth at least looking into... I'd suggest supplements such as the amino acids I mentioned before taking medications, but I definitely recommend keeping on open mind about the possibility of medication, if that's what's needed. |
|
10-25-2007, 08:49 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
|
|
10-25-2007, 09:33 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
|
|
10-25-2007, 09:45 PM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Start small, Chado. Can you think of a thought that might make you feel just a tiny bit better? You don't have to actually think the thought; I'm just asking you to speculate. A suggestion or two, just to get the ball rolling: "It feels good to know there are people on this forum who want me to feel good." "I'm doing reasonably well, considering!" "No one has come to take away my kids yet." "Thankfully, I have no kids yet." "It's nice to know I have a place to express myself where people won't judge me and will support me in my efforts." .......well, Chado?.... anything coming up for you??? |
|
10-26-2007, 01:21 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
"Free" e-Book - A B C's Of Life |
|
10-26-2007, 02:17 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
|
|
10-27-2007, 07:28 PM
| |||
| |||
|
I see a lot of replies here that talk about stopping focusing on feeling unhappy and to start focusing on feeling happy. This is good advice, I won’t deny it. But there are 2 main problems I see with this; The first is that when you feel unhappy and someone tells you to stop focusing on the bad and to focus on the good it can make us feel like we want to tell them where they can put those happy thoughts (insert body orifice here). Changing an over all feeling is a long process and takes more then changing our current mind frame as a catalyst (changing our mind frame is a long term effect, we need to make smaller changes first). The other problem is sometimes we want to feel unhappy. Even if we won’t admit it to ourselves the unhappy feeling actually feels good. There are a lot of reasons it feels good, we all have our own. And if being unhappy feels good, then the process of changing that feeling is deeply rooted in our actions and habits. From my own experience I can see that my habit of feeling bad started in high school. That’s when I enjoyed feeling unhappy the most. I had felt unhappy thoughts earlier in life, but this is the point when I made it part of my identity. I had “average” parents, went to an “average” school, had “average” teenage experiences. It was the perfect time to embrace my darker side. To sit in my room and think of all the ill in the world, to draw and write terrible dark poetry. I didn’t have any real responsibilities, I just had to go to school and come home. I was fed, clothed and taken care of. During that time I learned to take my depression and internalize it. It became my identity. It also effected my actions, and reactions to people and events. I became more conscious of the world around me, the actions and feelings of others. It affected my art, my writing and my choices in life. And when the feeling got too heavy I could always retreat to my room and my space. I didn’t have to get up for work, I didn’t have to face the world if I didn’t want too. As an adult I found this way of living didn’t work. It turned into self doubt which turned into fear of trying new things. But I had already set the habit, and didn’t even realize it. When things went wrong or felt bad I would retreat. That feeling used to feel good, but it didn’t feel good anymore. I didn’t know why I kept feeling bad, I just knew that’s how I felt. So the first step is really to decide you don’t like the way you are feeing. When you can decide you want to change your current feeling then you can start to move into changing it in the long term. But if you still enjoy feeling bad, then that’s they way you will stay. But let’s also make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with feeling bad sometimes! We don’t have to be happy all the time. We go through a range or emotions (humans are very complex creatures I know the law of attraction, like attracts like etc etc but if you focus on feeling GOOD when you really just want to curl up and feel BAD, then technically you are making yourself uncomfortable and unhappy by trying to feel good when you don’t have the energy for it. Let those feelings out. Put a whole day aside to feeling bad, cry, watch sad movies, get all that emotion out. Really feel that feeling of being unhappy. Then when you’ve really experienced it ask yourself if you want to continue to feel that way.If the answer is no, then you are already on the right path to start making changes. (if the answer is yes, then repeat step one And there are so many options (Drugs don’t have to be one of them by the way). Therapy, talking to friends or family, books, journaling. There a lot of outlets out there. And if therapy is the answer for you, don’t feel compelled to stick with a therapist who isn’t working for you. They are just people too and sometimes we need to find one who works well with us. I think the best place to start, if you are feeling bad and want to feel good, but don’t know where to start, is to make a list of all the things that are adding to this unhappy feeling. Sometimes pin pointing them out, and getting it down on paper makes them easier to handle. Then you can start to tackle each one. Make little changes everyday is the only way to get the long term effect of Changing Your Mind Frame. Don’t worry about just suddenly being happy, allow yourself to feel what you are going through, and take it slowly. The bad emotions are important too, because they are telling you that something needs to change. |
|
10-27-2007, 11:44 PM
| |||
| |||
|
If you are unhappy doing what you are doing, who cares what the change is? Just do something different. Then, the next day, do something ELSE different. You must have some idea about what is not working for you. Or at least ideas of what areas of your life you would liked to be different or better. Career. Social. Relationship. Money. Hobbies. Friends. Prosperity. Health. There is no shortcut. Take each topic and evaluate it separately. Write down what is right and wrong with each. Begin an inner dialog that is productive and specific, not vague and whiney and unfocused. Then try to figure out why each is right and why each is wrong. Soon you will have a concrete outline of the good, the bad and the ugly. Then you can get to work. Jennifer |
empathy? |
10-28-2007, 01:19 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
Quote:
|
|
10-28-2007, 12:21 PM
| |||
| |||
|
Someone mentioned this already but I think it's probably what could help you the most at this point. Read Ask And It Is Given by Abraham-Hicks. It is a very powerful book, with teachings that will inspire you to follow your bliss. If you allow yourself to open and listen to their message, you will find that your life will improve ten-fold what it is today somewhere down the line... as it has for me, and countless others.
__________________ Is MONEY standing in between you and a new car? or getting out of debt? Discover how you can live out your wildest dreams on your current income Last edited by drkirby; 10-28-2007 at 12:25 PM. |
|
10-29-2007, 12:35 AM
| |||
| |||
| Quote:
One thing I found that helped me was I started saying ‘tomorrow I can feel as bad and unhappy as I want, but today and JUST for today I’m only going to focus on feeling good” when it’s just one day it doesn’t seem so bad. You will be able to deal with all your problems tomorrow, but just for this day let your self be totally free of the problems and responsibilities. It’s a good exercise to start retraining your brain. This doesn’t mean you’ll forever fall away from reality, but what’s the harm in one day’s break from it? Then if you can do one day, try another, or a longer deadline. But always know that after the deadline you can go right back to feeling bad and worrying. No commitments. If you don’t want to try therapy I have found this site useful Living Life To The Full it has many free online courses (with work sheets you can print out) that focus on Cognitive behavior therapy (altering unhelpful thinking). The workshops are pretty straight forward but I found they help analyze and break down daily issues into something which is easier to understand and deal with. A last piece of advice is that after you have written down all the things that are bothering you or bringing you down, also write down the things you love about your self and your life. It may seem hard at first, but you can usually find one or 2 small things, even if just from the day. The more you think the more you will find. Even little things that you couldn’t do before (taking a walk alone, calling an old friend, finishing a project you keep putting off). Venting in a journal is a good way to get out negative feelings (get then down on paper and out of you!) I have also found that writing down affirmations in my journal after I write all the negative things I’m feeling helps. I vent all my anger and things that upset me, and after that turn them into affirmations. For example if I am feeling uninspired and that I can’t draw I will write about that, then after I will just write ‘I am a talented artist who is always inspired and productive” I’ll just keep writing it even if it doesn’t feel true. The point is that if you do this every day it will eventually start to seem true, then it will become true because you will believe it. It doesn’t happen at once (it took me months to start seeing changes in my actions and life!! ) but trust me when I say you can reprogram yourself. I’ve gone from totally suicidal, hopeless and depressed, to motivated, successful, loved and appreciated. When you are in the middle of it, it’s hard to see anything else. The student fish said to the teacher fish “what’s this water I keep hearing so much about?” If your problems are in your face all the time, you don’t even realize they are just part of your life, not you entire life. It’s like trying to read a book by pressing the page up to your face. That’s why taking each day at a time is the most important place to start. And don’t worry if you are doing the wrong thing. There is no right way to live life. There is only you, right now in this moment and how you feel. Feeling good, and being good to those around you. If you aren’t hurting others, then you are living as you should. And if you can help others along the way, all the better. Try one thing, if it doesn’t feel good, stop it, try something else. You’ll know you’re on the right path when you do something that feels good and motivates you. Even if it’s just for a moment, try to follow those feelings, they will lead you to what you need to recover and start living. |
|
| Bookmarks |
« Previous Thread
|
Next Thread »
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
| |
Similar Threads | ||||
| Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
| Why do I keep choosing to be unhappy? | kenakari | Emotional Mastery | 10 | 02-22-2009 03:36 AM |
| Life Sucks, Then You Die (Blog) | Steve Pavlina | Steve Pavlina | 55 | 10-05-2007 05:28 PM |
| Causing Someone Pain By Speaking the Truth | Michelle | Social & Relationships | 18 | 09-13-2007 08:54 PM |
| Understanding Unhappiness | shivraj | Spirituality, Consciousness, & Awareness | 8 | 09-02-2007 02:53 AM |
| 'only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away' | cbreeze | Personal Effectiveness | 3 | 08-06-2007 03:25 AM |
All times are GMT. The time now is 11:38 PM.