Waking from one nightmare to another

[ProjectX]

Hi guys. I don't know how to really put it into words but I really need to let this out. I don't know how to deal with this. I am so depressed right now. Lately I've become more aware of my life. My state of consciousness has risen and I've been self-reflecting a lot.
I came to the realization that I wasted away my youth. I am 20 years old right now, a college student. I look and I see that the past 10 years of my life I have not lived. I have not achieved anything. I was miserable for that long. I
My situation as a teenager was complicated. And the environment which I lived was definitely not a nice place to grow up in. I missed out on so much of life. Worst of all I never had much friends because I lived in a place far away from people my age. I was always lonely so I spent the majority of the time playing computer games to take my mind off things. Then it became an addiction.
Later on I made some new "friends" who introduced me to drugs. These friends constantly ostracized me but I kept on hanging out with them because I still longed for some companionship. Then people found out I was doing drugs and I became an outcast (my school had very few people). I only recall making 2 good friends but we didn't do a lot things together.
I finished school with crappy grades and after I graduated I lived in social isolation for nearly two years in the house. It was torture doing nothing.

That was last year. I came to Toronto this January and studying in a community college. Its my 3rd semester. I have made very little friends and I spent this friday and saturday night staying in my room flicking through channels on TV and reruns. I then came to the conclusion that my life stinks. I should be downtown partying. I don't like the community college crowd. I don't really fit well with them. I really prefer to a university but I need to gain credits before I can do that. That will be 3 years.
I'm just so bummed out about life right now. I don't have appetite to eat. I haven't gone to a single class this week.
Alot of the times I've been fantasizing about how different my life could have turned out. I remember my mom telling me I could have moved in with my aunt in toronto when I was younger. I think alot about how my life would be different as result, I can't stop thinking about it and I escape into my own world of fantasy; Me growing up happy with friends and doing good in school living with my aunt. I think I'm going mentally insane literally. The thoughts keep racing over and over in my head and its driving me insane.

I'm not blaming anyone for my problem. I feel like there is nothing wrong with the world just me. I think I've been unlucky. Fate has handed me a bitter lemon. My life feels like an anomaly. Not natural. Like an odd piece of the puzzle. It doesn't feel right. I never felt myself for many years. I feel I don't belong. My health doesn't feel right. My relationships don't feel right. My life doesn't feel right .As if there was some cosmic disturbance in my life. All I wanted was to be normal and happy but I got the exact opposite. Everything seems overwhelming. I don't want to feel lonely anymore all the time. I don't want to feel like I missed out so much on life. I want to go back in time so badly and change everything. Suicide has come alot to my mind already. If I had access to a gun or cyanide I would already be dead. I'm too scared to do it any other way. I remember one morning I woke from a nightmare. I got up, went to the pantry took out a plastic bag. Went back to my room wrapped it around my head and taped the openings on the neck. I just laid there but when the breathing got difficult I quickly tore the bag open. But my aunt who sacrificed alot to help get into college (because my dad can't support me anymore) so I think if I die that would deeply upset her.

t feels like the last 10 years were traumatic. I repressed that trauma by living like a zombie. A robot going through the daily chores of life. I think suffered depersonalization back then. Now I've waken out my slumber I've woken up into another nightmare and I can't deal with it. This doesn't feel like my life.
I'm jsut asking what to do? I feel so much sorrow inside me. I don't know how to deal with my past and my life right now.



Cliffnotes
- Really depressed because I totally missed out on my youth and being lonely all the time
- Feels like my life is not right. Like an anomaly. The odd piece in a puzzle.
- Feeling Suicidal.

[The Cloud]

I understand where you're coming from. My childhood wasn't a bed of roses, either. In fact, most of it was a haze of depression and stagnation. But there was one thought that kept me alive, kept me from killing myself; there has to be more to life than this. Things can and will change, you simply have to survive to see it. You have to stop blaming yourself for your past, there was nothing you could do about it then, just as there is nothing you can do about it now. Your past is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. When you were a child, you could not be expected to have the strength of character to deal with the trials and tribulations I expect you have gone through. You are not at fault for the way you are, you are simply acting as you have been taught to act. You are not a bad person for being miserable. You have no responsibility to anyone anywhere to be happy or successful. None. So quit trying to be happy, and maybe you can start trying to be you. There's this person that you've been taught to be, but he isn't you. The real you doesn't care about the miseries of the past, he doesn't care about the trials of the future, he just cares about what he can do now to be himself. You have nothing to lose by doing whatever you truly want to do. Life is not a video game, there are no quests, there are no levels, there is no way to "win." Just because somebody completes college or marries a hot wife or makes a lot of money doesn't mean that they "win" at life, because the universe does not have arbitrary win-loss scenarios. There is no measurable physical quantity of "win" and "lose", no objective way to determine whether somebody wins or loses at life. A CEO doesn't have more "win" than a person that works at Wal-Mart. So just be you, do what you want to do with every moment, and don't worry about whether it will put you in a better or worse situation, because there are no better or worse situations, just different ones. You can be in control of yourself, but only if you decide to be. That's likely the root of your depression, a feeling of lack of control. Once you realize that you control what you do, rather than everybody else, rather than your past, the depression will naturally go away. I know that you are miserable. I know that you have no energy or motivation to do anything at all. I know that each day comes and goes in a meaningless haze of torment. But it doesn't have to be that way, and if you will just survive to see it, your life will one day belong to the you that you control rather than the past that you could not and do not control. Hold on tight, because there has to be more.

[Christian223]

Hey ProjectX, i read what you writte and i see a little of myself in it, i also see something very similar to people that are close to me, im really sorry to hear that, but you cant change your past, instead worry about doing something about your future. I know and understand that you feel as if you entered a deep hollow, it is difficult to come out of it, but you can do it.

You know, i have wasted years of my life too, and i too didnt have good parenting, but having God in my life made a huge difference, i recommend you to pray to God, read the bible, nothing beats the help of God.

Also, to have emotional freedom try EFT and TAT, visit Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique and the link at my sig, it will heal your past traumas, limiting beliefs, and do wonders with your personality, i strongly encourage you to try it since it made something good in my life too.

Forgive yourself and those around you. Aim for better things. Do the necesary things to fix each part of your life, socially, in your career, self-esteem, healthy behaviours, inner peace, etc., i wish you the best, good luck.

[Dan.Linehan]

I don't mean to be over-simplistic, but if your life is causing you to become self-destructive you should look to change things right away. If you feel drastically bad about multiple things you should change multiple things drastically.

My advice would be to take some time off from school and travel. See South America, live cheap, use couchsurf.net. See India. See Europe. Find work where you can. Whatever.

Humans aren't meant to rot in dorm rooms forever. Especially if the alternative is offing yourself! Why not do any random thing you really want to instead?

You have about 70 days before the new year. How can you make that the craziest, most memorable 70 days of your life?

[ProjectX]

Thanks for the response. All your advices were great.

Cloud You're right. I didn't realize it but the reason I'm so depressed, and was so miserable for most of my life was that I never felt that I was in control of my life. The world was so narrow and scary to me then. Of course now I know better, that we create our own life regardless of circumstances.
I thought people were evil, backstabbing and that if you want to be successful you had to do something bad. Now I know that people can be genuine and friendly.
But now I feel I'm in a rut. I feel I'm too deep in the hole that I can no longer get myself out and reverse the effects, and that they will always be there to haunt me. I'm already socially awkward seeing how I been alone for so long.
Even if I want to reach out, a lot of the people are definitely not worth hanging out with. Last night my friend introduced me to group of people. All they talked about was what they drank the other night and what they are drinking. I couldn't handle it anymore so I just left. They had no sense of direction and its hard to find decent people with similar goals in a community college.
Right now I feel like a 16yr old. Its hard to explain. Its like my mind still feels young, and even my body feels young. And because of that I feel weak. I don't feel mature enough. I think it to do with me wanting to relive my youth differently.

Now and then I feel I've just woken up from a coma. I might just lie down on my bed and suddenly come to some realization and say to myself "This is my life? This can't be happening to me". Sometimes I get panic attacks as a result.

Christian - I've known about that for a while but never looked into it. Thanks for reminding me. And yes I have been reading the bible now and then. I'm not sure if it has been so comforting for me.

Dan - I don't like the idea of taking time of school. I just want to get community college done and over with so I can transfer to university. I don't have much time to waste seeing how I will be 24 by the time I actually enter a university. But however I have been thinking of going to British Columbia and trekking there during the next summer. Perhaps also skiing in quebec during the winter break.

[The Cloud]

What you see as a hole is really just flat ground. Unless you have Alzheimer's, you have not lost a single thing since you were born. What you have is simply a failure to gain, which is vastly different than losing. If you never had something in the first place, can you lose it? Of course not. Are you less intelligent, less capable, less knowledgeable, less able to understand concepts that you have ever been? No? Then you haven't lost anything of value. Worldly gains can be gotten back, or ignored for the most part if necessary, it is the internal gains that matter. You might lose your job, but you'll never lose what you learned from doing that job. So you've just been flat-lining for a while. I did that too, but that just meant that there were so many more ways for me to grow and develop once I did recognize the problem. So you can forget about the idea that you are a "loser," and start thinking in terms of not failing to gain.

So there aren't many people in your area that are really worth getting to know? I grew up in an extremely rural town in MN, so I can understand that kind of situation. But you're in Toronto. If I don't misunderstand, that is a fairly large community. So my advice would be to find an organization that seems to fit what you value. Personally, I wouldn't recommend a religious one because I find their values to be too restrictive and contradictory, but if it feels right then do it anyways. Just find an organization that feels right for you, where the people seem to be people that value what you value. Don't go for organizations based on rehabilitation, go for ones based on excellence. I myself am in a fraternity (not a frat), and the concentration of worthy individuals here versus the rest of my school has provided me with vast resources for personal growth. Until then, keep up with forums like this one, where even if all the people aren't worthy of friendship, the majority of them are at least worth respect.

As for being socially awkward, the honest way to alleviate that is to simply be your self. You will find that once you stop putting on a show and trying to impress everyone that you will naturally be more charismatic. And the great thing is, you will be most charismatic to the people that you want to get to know the most. If you are yourself, you will naturally attract and gravitate toward people of similar nature, and naturally repel and avoid people that care only about alcohol and sex. It takes far less effort to do and say exactly what you feel like doing and saying, and it has far more positive results. So stop worrying about what other people want to see in you, and look for what you want to see in yourself. Maybe fewer people will like you if you live like this, but the people that do like you will be the kind of people that you like.