|09-07-2007, 09:16 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Brisbane QLD Australia
Levels of consciousness, where are you at?
I have just finished reading the artical on Levels of Consciousness and found it extremely enlightening. In this articale i ask the question, what level of consciousness do you believe you are? It may be one, it may be several. Open your mind and do not be afraid of what the answer may be. As i have been discovering, all levels are important to spiritual growth, it is how we become who we are, and part of how we shapre our future and the world around us.
Although im disapointed to find that im on the lower end of the table, just reading the article has given me inspiration to ascend to higher levels.
For most of my life I have lived on the level of guilt and shame. From a child fed with very negitive energy and exposed to many others on the same spiritual level, my understanding of the world was that it was that it was a wonderful place, full of great natural beauty's and endless posibilities, but one of which I would never feel comfortable taking part in.
I was made to feel stupid and worthless and very unconfident. I spent alot of time alone and when in the company of others i would act, never truely being myself. It was only last month that for the first time i talked to a friend about my feelings and emotions. Before now all converstaion had been trivial and ment for the entertainment of the person i was talking too and not for any actual enjoyment for myself.
Unable to truely connect with others, i created alot of perspectives in my own mind. I would spend most my times asking myself questions, and then procedding to answer them. I was not very physically active and spent alot of time sitting and staring blankly at the wall. To those who witnessed this i was simply stupid and unable to think of anything to amuse myself. Elders would talk about me negitively in front believing i was to stupid to understand, and watching for signs of reaction. But having experianced this many times i would simply ignore.
To help cope with these negitive feelings and emotions i adopted a "I dont care" attitude towards life, towards everything. In year 7 (11-12) when i changed schools, moved area and i lost my friends, it simply didnt bother me.
In year 9 (13-14) when i moved again, i felt the same.
When i moved out of home i made no contact with my family and still struggle even now to feel emotional connectiveness with anyone.
All throughout my childhood i swoor never to touch drugs of any sort, seeing the damage they had done all around me, in Year 10(14-15) i circumed to curiousity was introduced to Marijuana, Alchohol and Cigs, I was an instant addict. Marijuana gave me an escape from thought, and for the first time allowed me to concentrate on a single physical task. I lived in a world of Desire and Fear
Alchohol took away my fear of social contact, allowing my to tempuraly connect with others and express myself honestly, talking about what i thought as i thought it rather then having to think of something to say.
Cigerettes gave me a escape from constant anxiety. Allowing the continueing pressure in my head to be eased if only for a moment.
I was actualy feeling pleasure and enjoying the things i did. I began to rank people on their ability to be "cool", on how much everyone else liked them, and not on what i personaly thought of them. I was a follower of trends and idolised and attempted to mimic these "cool" kids in an attempt to be a "cool kid" too. Thinking it would help me to feel better about myself.
My Mother became very worried and we had begun to fight often so i moved out half way through Year 11(15-16).
For awhile things were great, the illusion of the world i had created for myself was keeping me content and although my addictions had started to control my everyday life i was happy.
In year 12(16-17) I met a girl. I was in a drug house with 7 others and she moved in, we were all addicts of various drugs. She was considered something of a "slut" and had sex with a few of my friends. I made no attempt to win her over as i had always been far too frightened of rejection. After 2 weeks she came to me and told me she liked me...I was completely suprised by this and for the first time i can remember i felt pride. I thought that someone else could actualy find something valuable in me when i had struggled so many years to do the same thing lifted me to a new level. We had one of the greatest 6 months of drug dependency that ive had in my life. I quit school after 2 months at her request and we were together constantly.
After 4months of being together suddenly she started going out alot at night, she said she was visiting a "friend" called Alister whom she had met on the bus. These visits were quite frequent, she seen him everytime i went out, late at night, she would even ask me to walk her there, but always promised he was simply a friend.
I found out she was cheating on me after 2months of this and i ended the relationship. I experianced weeks of extreme Anger. I then fell into a complete depression(17-18), a state of Apathy and Grief. I do not remember 1 day in the next year when i was happy. In fact i barely remember that year at all. I spent all day everyday researching. I researched politics, the environment, aliens, latest news, anything to keep me distracted from my own thoughts and feelings. I completely shut off all my friends and family and would not say a word for weeks on end. I felt like i was losing my mind and often spent days on end in bed. I would not eat and lost most my body weight and most nights i would cry myself to sleep. I was lost, without someone to believe in me i felt worthless, useless, I was sinking deeper into depression and i wanted to die.
But suicide i knew was never the answer. Im not sure why but as much as i wanted to die i could not bring myself to attempt to take my own life.
I then moved away, left everything behind, and went to my dads, the last place i ever thought id go because my father is a demon. A man so selfish he almost destroyed me when i was young, and had done the same to my step sister (name Alice, now age 14, shes been my sister since she was 4) who had been stuck living with him. Living with him and my Step Mum was torture for both me and my sister, but we bonded instantly. She helped me in a way only a sister can and i did the same for her and together we developed strength to cope with there harrasment. She was stronger then i and adapted a more positive outlook on life alot faster, she became happier and stronger and is now i believe at a level of Neutrality. Able to cope with everything and feeling continual strength in herself. She still calls me and asks me how im doing, cheers me up if im down ect. You'd almost think she was the older one.
During that 6 months my depression lessoned. It was a 40/60 that i would feel either great, or horrible. Due to the unfortunate situation with my father and sister and the support of my sister i was constantly falling between thoughts of Courage and Anger. But that was awesome news for my mental health because it was best ratio id had my whole life. My sister had given me a reason to live. I severly reduced the amount of drugs i took and was on track for recovery. Until my father decided i was corrupting my sister to much and banned us from spending time together. In his sick mind he thought there was something more between us and he wanted it to stop. I wont say the word but my father is very sick in the head.
Alice had also started standing up for herself against him and i had expressed that i was watching his every move and would send him to prison without a second thought if things continued as they were before id moved there.
The house was in almost constant uproar then and i felt it was time for me to leave if any normality was ever to occur. So, to protect my sister, i had a final chat with dad revealing everything i knew and what i would do if i heard of anything that disgusted my senses, and i left. It hurt me alot to leave my sister but i felt it was in everyones interests.
I am now 19 and have just gotten a fulltime job, while i was on drugs i got a $8000 loan and i am now working on paying that back. I spend most my time either working or trying to discover myself. I am falling constantly between Courage, although i still do experiance some Pride, and Anger. I do occasionly sit back and truely feel a sense of Neutrality. It is a new feeling to me, a sort of inner peace ive never known before now. I feel like i can achieve something with my life. I have been creating ideas and methods to complete the dreams i thought were going to forever be out of reach. Just recently i was voted Union Representitive at work and i plan to make some serious changes in the workplace. Our rights at work are under serious threat and i refuse to stand by and watch as my workmates and i are taken advantage of. I have also quit the drugs, smoking, caffiene and ive limited to nights out on the town with mates. I am 19 after all so i do need to be a least a little reckless.
Well it feels good to get some things in the open.
I hope anyone who reads this will reflect upon there own life. Perhaps next time you see someone who is depressed, you will consider lending a helping hand, a pat on the shoulder. Sometimes a simple hug or compliment can mean a world of difference.
Last edited by Andypants; 09-07-2007 at 09:24 AM. Reason: Spell checks...Doh!
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