Suggestions/Input needed regarding Husband

[tweety17]

This will be kind of long as I've posted in other groups but someone suggested posting here so here goes the recap:

Back in July, my husband and I were up all night and early morning arguing about our relationship and where its headed and it boils down to the issue he has with my two 15 year old cats.

About 6 months ago I moved the cats to the basement so that he can avoid any fur, litter smell etc. He still complains that he smells the litter and unfortunately I don't nor do any other visitors to the house. I know he is super sensitive and so I clean the litter daily. So he said to choose him or the cats. I made arrangements to have my sister take the cats and when I told him that he blew up again as he said that's not getting rid of the problem. I could not understand why he would say that as the cats are the problem and they are out of the picture. In talking further he mentioned that now it will be a bigger problem because now the rest of the family will say oh he's allergic to the cats and so got rid of them. (background we have issues with my family and him as my parents and a 4 of my sisters never accepted him even though I met him when I was 40). The family is not an issue as we just see them at my nieces/nephews birthday parties. The other holidays we spend together or with my sister's family that we get along with.

Anyways we've known each other for 7 years now and prior to getting married last August we lived together for 3 years. I have heard that the 7th year is the toughest and I don't know why but I have to agree

In the 3 years we have lived together he hasn't worked and I've paid the day-to-day expenses, (mortgage, electrical, gas, food, etc) but he has put in about $150,000 of his savings into renovating/addition to the house in 2005-2006 (the house is in my name as I bought it before we met) and I told him that I would be putting his name on the title. Well I am a proscrastinator and actually forgot about it and then I was in the process of doing a Quitclaim deed and when I told him about that he blew up and said that is not the same thing as putting his name on the title and so he left it that he wants his money back.....

I am so crushed to think that he has given up on this marriage. I asked if he would go to counseling and he said yes but he used to be a counselor so he said he doesn't know what it can do for our relationship.

He mentioned that we are on different paths. All I know is I don't want him to leave! He had asked me why I love him and why should he stay. I gave him my reasons, #1 being I loved him and that I love all his stories, his sensitivity, not afraid to stand up and ask questions, his directness, etc. but I guess that wasn't enough. He knows I have problems in communicating as I do not like confrontations and I tend to mumble/jumble my words when in that situation or my mind goes blank and I end up saying nothing.

He said we both should take a few days to think things over but I know he won't change his mind as he has already indicated he has compromised alot in this relationship but I think we both have. I have sent him an email...seeing I really fall short on the communications end of things, and just laid it out on the line and told him how I feel and how I did not chose the cats over him and how I hope he would reconsider.

When he walked out the door he took my heart with him.

Three days later he came back home around 1:30 in the afternoon. He came in dropped off his suitcase, went back outside, used the garden hose to wash/rinse his car, pulled up his car into the driveway and came in the house. I said hello, he ignored me, went into the fridge and grabbed a soda, drank some left the can on the counter and then went upstairs and went to bed.

So I went off shopping and driving around. This is a 51 year old man acting so immature. I have gone twice to counseling and at the end of the last session I told the therapist that I want to wait until husband comes back and we can go together.

The cats have been moved to my sister's house so they are out of the house and should not be an issue! Obviously like everyone has mentioned in their reply to my post, there has to be something deeper that he's not telling me and hopefully he'll tell me or he will bring it up in counseling (if he comes with me).

To continue...On July 18, husband decides he needs to go back to his home in New Zealand and stay with his brother and he didn't tell me when he would be back. When I sent him an email (he didn't leave me a number either) about a week later asking when he would be back, he replied what's the hurry? He also wanted to know when he would get his money and when I said I was working on it his reply was does he have to wait weeks/months/years......

I spent our first anniversary (August 15) alone...didn't receive any message or call from him.....

As hard as it has been, I waited a few more weeks before I sent him another eamil. I sent him a nice email asking how he was doing telling him about the cookout I went to and said everyone was asking for him and so I told them he was home enjoying the air conditioner (I am not ready to tell everyone yet).

Well he sent a two sentence email asking why I told everyone he was home when he's not! And not likely to be back soon and NEVER WILL BE STAYING.

So with that being said, can anyone help me as far as if there are any laws in abandonment ? We were married in New Zealand if he's living there now (I'm guessing) does that mean it could be taken as me leaving him and the marriage would be annulled? Not sure how that works. Or do I need to check with the state Massachusettes where we/I live as far as any laws regarding abandonment?

I will find out today what kind of loan I can get as I had the house appraised and the bank should be receiving the appraiser's information. The more I think about it, the more I do not want to give him anything but I really am not that type of person.

I am open for any suggestions/help in seeing if there is anyway to save this marriage as I want to work on it but it seems like he has already given up and isn't taking any kind of responsibility in this relationship and I'm at my wits end!

Thank you

[Stray]

Oh, honey. This sucks really bad, and I feel for you But you said it yourself--he's given up, he won't take responsibility, he's not interested in saving the marriage. And you can't save it by yourself; you both have to want to for that to work, and he just doesn't. Honestly he sounds like a real jackass to me, though I know I'm only seeing one side of the story. But come ON--that thing with the cats? Complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and it was cruel of him to make you get rid of pets you'd had for 15 years. And WTF was his problem with having them live at your sister's house instead? That makes no sense.

I don't have any legal advice, but it seems to me that he shouldn't just get the $150,000 back that he put into the house and get to walk away. If you were supporting him for 3 years, the cost of that should figure into the settlement. I don't know how it should be worked out, but if you give him the 150 grand and call it quits then he basically just mooched off you for three years. Don't let him get away with that after he's treated you like crap this way.

I'm sorry, but your marriage is over and there's no saving it. And it's incredibly ♥♥♥♥♥♥ that he's passive-aggressing you into delivering the death stroke to the thing you've been struggling so hard, all alone, to keep alive, but...well, some people are like that. I was married to one myself. It ****ing sucks but there's nothing to be done about it except to grit your teeth and get through it. You have my sympathy *hugs*

[Jenny]

Sorry that's a hard situation to be in. What you do just depends on how long you wish to continue to be invested in this relationship as I can see many paths you could take. Whatever you decide to do I'd suggest you don't betray what you know if fair and equitable as these things appear to matter a great deal to you. Good luck.

[artic123]

Gave me a choice between my cats and him. I chose the cats and never regretted it.

Sorry for the complicated situation you have.

S

[Brutha]

You should find a lawyer who specialises in divorces for your legal problems. I also think that their is nothing that you can do at the moment to rescue your marrige.

[JimOfferman]

I feel for you, tweety! And I do agree with the overall sentiment of the other responses: rescue yourself and not the marriage, which appears to be beyond salvation.

All the best,
Jim.