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08-22-2007, 05:56 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 9
 |  Long-distance relationships and priorities
Hello everyone, I am having a long-distance relationship, my boyfriend is in another country, and it usually takes about 5-6 hours of flight for us to meet. He is working at a company and I am doing my PhD here. Now, the problem is: He suddenly keeps telling me that he can't stand the long-distance thing anymore, that he's grown tired of it, and however great things might be when we are together, it's unbearable when we're apart. So far, it's not that serious. We've been together for a year or so. At the beginning, he was ready to find a job and move here, but now he doesn't want to - that's a completely different story. I can explain it another time, but I feel he's just too stubborn, or scared, or whatever, and disguises this as me not being reliable enough for him to come here. Anyway, the other choice is that I could move there. In fact, long ago I had told him I might be able to start working remotely on my PhD for some time, and he took this as a promise. Now he's telling me all kinds of things, like "either you move here soon or we break up", and so on. However, since I am getting paid for my work, it's not such an easy task to get away from the lab here, the teamwork we do daily, the regular meetings with my professor, and just move away. According to him, it's my research and I should set the conditions, if I don't want to do this for him, it means that I cannot prove I am able to control my life, and so on... We also had other problems in the past, which eventually made me lose control over my life, and of course, stay back at work. These problems are OK now though. I had a conversation long ago with my professor, he told me I might be able to work remotely for some time, provided I resumed working normally. Of course, since I never really got to resume working normally until very recently (which coincided with my summer vacation), not only I couldn't mention the issue again, but I made him angrier. Now, if I could just tell my boyfriend: please be patient for a few months, until I resume working and am able to ask to work remotely for some time... We broke up for 4 days before he finally got to accept it, but he's still trying to play tough, like "I cannot guarantee you I'm going to wait for you until then". Things aren't so simple though, he's still insisting that I should "set the conditions" asking me to go away for one particular week in October. However, it's exams period, the time of year when we are most needed. The option of him coming to my city seems out of the question for him... Any other options apart from breaking up - something he keeps suggesting lately?... |
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08-23-2007, 12:24 AM
| #2 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 344
| Quote:
Quote:
i'm in a similar situation right now...and although my boyfriend gets impatient at times, he's also committed to making this work. i don't think you should be with a guy who's pressuring you and being inflexible. relocating to another country is a pretty big deal... and it's not fair for him to expect you to drop everything and be there tomorrow.  you need to be with a guy who says things like: "i would wait for you forever."  i'm not against long distance relationships, but this guy just doesn't sound like he's worth it. (sorry.  ) | ||
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08-23-2007, 07:31 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 103
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I don't know I should call him is a jerk or a baby. But there is nothing about him because Sokolata is the person who want to solve this problem right? We don't work on him, we work on sokolata. hehe.... I think this is what you can do: 1. You got to be sure you want to have both your work and your boyfriend! From the situation I heard from you, it will not be an easy journey. You might need to prepare giving up other things for these 2 parts to work out. If you really want these 2, then you need make some effort(might be big ones). 2. Listen to what your boyfriend wants! Most of the time man like to hide what they really want. He might not want you to always be with him. He might just want you to tell him "I love you" everyday or other things. But asking you to tell him all these is very embarrassing as a man, so he rather hide it with different things. Sometimes he is just worried that you are too close with other man there. So you need to listen what he really want? Don't ask other man about this because different people have different needs. I had a long distance relationship before. What I want is just she talking with me about how is her life everyday and tell me that she loves me. But I used pretend and tell her that I want to be with her most of the time. 3. Give him what he wants. If he is actually worry that you are close with other man, tell him that what you do everyday and you really miss him. I don't think he wants you to go back to be with him so urgently anymore. If you can just tell him you love him and share what you are doing here, he might be happy you are just here. After identified what he wants, give him! Have fun and cheers. Man are proud human beings(including me). Sometimes they feel hard to express themselves or just embarrassed to tell you they miss you so much.  |
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08-27-2007, 11:59 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 9
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Hello everyone and thanx for your fast answers! Amanda: You may be right, but I am trying to get away from this situation of "I don't like the situation => I am giving up". If there's a way to make this work, yes, I do want to make this work! alex: I thought a lot about what you said to me, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something that can be solved that easily. We speak on the phone very regularly and I like to talk to him about how my day was and tell him that I love him and I miss him. Unfortunately, I think that what he wants is indeed physical contact... We had another conversation lately. He has the philosophy of "I am ready to give it all for you, but first I need to know that you'd also give it all for me". However, this is something that you cannot ask for, right?... Especially if he has set a specific target of what I have to give for him, in order for him to start doing more things... I mean - it's no grocery shopping, it's no bank loan, just love. The way I see it, we shouldn't care what we give, and what the other person will give us, and when - it should just come spontaneously. Then again, if I just tell him these things, he'll just assume that I'm not ready to "give it all" for him and I'm just trying to conceal my intentions... Some days ago, he told me: "I don't like when you talk to me and say that you are having a good time, because it means you might prefer your life there over being with me. I don't like when you talk to me and say that you're not having a good time, because I cannot be there for you. I don't like when you aren't talking to me at all..." Then I told him I'm OK with myself the way we are now, I am here, he is there, and we see each other whenever we can. I also said that, if HE has a problem with this situation, HE has to solve it... Then again, as alex said, we don't work on him, we work on me... so what can I do about all that?... |
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08-27-2007, 02:25 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 1,823
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From the sound of it, I think that he feels miserable in the current situation and thus can't stand to hear that you are not. While I can sympathize with his feeling miserable (I'd be miserable if my girlfriend was a 5-6 hours flight away from me...), it seems a bit unfair of him to expect you to tear down your life, just to make him happy. From what I understand, the current situation is temporary, right? How will things be when you are done with your PhD? If at that time, you will be happy to relocate to where your boyfriend lives, maybe even move in together, you can maybe make him happy with the prospect of the two of you being together full-time "soon". Assuming you want that, of course... If you intend to have a life with him after the PhD, you can perhaps appease him by telling him that - even though you are fairly happy at present - it hurts you that you can't relocate right now, but that you are looking forward to spending more time with him in the future. Also make clear to him that this is all you can offer - you have to finish the PhD first for your own happiness and future. Hopefully your reassurance that there will be a time together in the future is enough for him to hold on. Maybe it's not, but then you'll know that you cannot give in to his demands and have no choice but to set him free to find a better match for him. Now, maybe you don't intend to be with him at all after the PhD, in which case your best choice may also be to just set him free rather than string him along any longer. Whatever you decide, best of luck! Jim. |
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08-27-2007, 02:59 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Dayton, OH
Posts: 112
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I generally consider ultimatums or any sentence that begins "If you really loved me you would......." in a relationship to be a red flag. That having been said, lots of people don't know how to ask for what they need in anyway other than passive-aggressive hints or all out commands, so if everything else is good, it might be worth digging into what the real underlying problem is for him. Personally, I'd also call him on the hurtful communication tactics, but that's just me....... |
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08-28-2007, 06:59 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,061
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08-29-2007, 04:29 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 538
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It sounds like he's trying to guilt you into moving to his desired location. Getting a PhD takes time, is a big commitment, and deserves your attention. Not to be pessimistic here, but with the divorce rate how it is, do you want to take chances of not having a back up plan or some sort of stability for your self (i.e. getting a PhD)? It seems like he is more concerned with fulfilling his needs rather than the needs of the relationship.
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08-30-2007, 04:25 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 219
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My girlfriend lives in Vancouver, about a thousand miles from me in San Jose. We've pseudo-broken-up at least 7 times, always because I've gotten really impatient, but she's been strong enough to not give up on me, and I've finally gotten the message. We already have a plan for her to move here, and we chose that because it was the most wanted scenario for both of us (I love my home town, and she can't stand hers). We've been together for more than 3 months as a couple, and we've been friends online for almost 6 months. Now, here's my opinion of what your relationship needs, based on my own experience: Both you AND your boyfriend need to put forth great effort, and it must be mutually sustained as long as you are going to be apart. To give you an idea of how much easier you have it that I, consider this: I have another 9 months to wait at the minimum before my girlfriend can come into the US in the only way possible: a college transfer. Even then, only I will be able to make money for us unless she is able to get a work grant. Finally, despite living in Silicon Valley, my vocation is in the field of Social Work, and thus is not likely to bring in a lot of money even when I finally get the level of degree that I want. But I'm gonna do it, because I love Kat and because she loves me. That's worth waiting forever, and if your boyfriend won't do the same as you, then he doesn't love you as much as you love him. ~ David |
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09-03-2007, 01:38 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 219
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I have simply resigned myself to no longer doing long distance, no matter how much I love a woman, the minute a hot ass walks by I lose it. It tears me up emotionally and it obviously tears her up because the multiple breakups start happening, the ultimatums start happening all because consistent sexual affection isn't available from the one I love. He should either move to you, or you both break up. Either way, I believe it is against human nature to try any kind of relationship that is not both emotionally and physically available. Some people I know have had successful long-distance relationships (where they weathered the distance and eventually started living together); so it is by no means impossible. If the chemistry is there then it is there, but like someone else said above, this sounds like more trouble than it is worth. |
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