Friendships often asymmetrical?

[JimOfferman]

Has anyone else noticed that many friendships are asymmetrical in nature? What I mean is that, for example, someone can be my best friend even when he does not consider me to be his best friend.

In fact, I am quite sure that this is the case with my current best friend. I have no chance in hell of competing for that label with his life-long best friend and I don't desire to do that. Our friendship is what it is and it is good the way it is.

Jim.

[UHF]

How about not viewing him as the one 'best' friend? Best friends are what you have when your a child. Can't he be just a very good friend on a scale of friendship? Elevating a person to this singular status as being the best means they have to be very loyal and live up to your expectations. Friends never live up to expectations or indeed does anyone.

[JimOfferman]

Hey UHF,

Thanks for your response, but you missed my point entirely. There is nothing in our friendship that needs to change or be fixed. I was merely relaying my observation that friendships can be (and in my experience often are) asymmetrical.

Fact is that, at this point in time, he is my best friend and I am not his best friend. That fact alone does not diminish or exaggerate the importance of the friendship in anyway, it's just how things are. And things are just fine. A few years from now, things may be different. We may be closer, we may be further apart or maybe (although I hope not) we'll both have moved on to other friendships.

I disagree that best friends are a childhood thing - at any point in my life, I've always had one or two best friends who stood out from the rest of the crowd if only by the way they influenced my life more than other friends did. I also strongly disagree with friends not living up to your expectations. My friends certainly do live up to my expectations and often exceed them. Again, these expectations may change over time, just as my friends do.

Jim.

[lizthefair]

I think it's great that you have such a healthy attitude about this. I've had several people in my life who were more important to me than I was to them, and I have really let that get me down. I suppose that has also gone the other way--but it's much harder to notice when you are the one who is less invested.

Anyway, thanks for this thoughtful post--I aspire to your level of wisdom in this area.

[UHF]

Well, good for you. I wouldn't want best friends, I couldn't stand the constant let down.

[JimOfferman]

@lizthefair: Why was it a let down for you? Is it really that bad for someone to be important to you when you are not equally important to them? I'd just be grateful for the friendship you do receive. But always wanting more is

All the wisdom to you!

@UHF: Sorry to hear that you view having best friends as a constant let down, rather than a source of joy. I do wish you'll some day experience (best) friendships that don't let you down.

Jim.

[UHF]

Thanks, perhaps my luck will change.

[lizthefair]

For me, in this particular instance, I was looking for something more reciprocal. It's not that this person was my best friend, and I was less important to him-- it was that I would call, e-mail, be in touch maybe 3-6 times a year and sometimes he would respond and sometimes not. That was basically ok for a while-- he's busy, we live far away, it happens to friendships. But when my dad died in January and he couldn't bother to pick up a phone or send an e-mail I realized that not only was the relationship less important to him than it was to me, it was likely non-existent. So I've let it go (in a loving way--I don't feel any resentment, just sadness)

As in all things, I think there is a balance to be struck. It seems you have found it. It is however also possible to swing too far in the other direction where one person does all of the maintenance work in a relationship and the other reaps the benefits, but doesn't really contribute. That's not healthy either--and can actually lead to abuse.

It doesn't sound like you've come anywhere close to the abuse side of things--the conversation has just reminded me that relationships (like most things) exist on a continuum and being somewhere in the middle is usually best .

[JimOfferman]

Ah, yes, when a friendship has been reached the point where there is only one-way traffic, you should stop investing time into that friendship. Let go of the old friendship and find space for new, more fulfilling, friendships.

I've long come to accept that friendships change over time and that not all of them last. I grow and change, my friends grow and change, so in a way it would be really odd for all those friendships to remain constant. Old friends go, new friends come and sometimes old friends come back with lots of interesting new stories to tell.

All part of the ebb and flow of life

Jim.

[UHF]

This is why I don't like the idea of 'best' friendships, there is always this question of balance. Once someone's no longer a best friend, they tend to fall off altogether - like it's a disloyalty. When your a child there are no real pressures or responsibilities. As you get older, there's the wondering - what does this person want from me?

I'm a terrible cynic, but I tend to evaluate relationships as receiving in equal measure what I give.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Ah, yes, when a friendship has been reached the point where there is only one-way traffic, you should stop investing time into that friendship. Let go of the old friendship and find space for new, more fulfilling, friendships.

Yeah, that sounds good.

I would add that friendships ebb and flow, and that's ok. Even if someone can't be there for you during Crisis A, they may rally and be able to support you through Crisis B, or Triumph C, or Moving Day or whatever. I think it's good to keep the door open for people to both leave and then come back into your life.

Unlike romantic relationships that may require maintenence, I think friendships work best when you just let 'em have their own shape. Some friendships are meant only to be fun and surface-y, and some friendships aren't going to be truly reciprocal/symmetrical, and that's all ok as long as you're getting your social needs met in general.

[JimOfferman]

Velvet, I couldn't have said that better myself - I whole heartily agree!