How do you break out of social isolation?

[serendipity]

It's difficult to even post this question: embarrassing as the fact that at 25 I live with my parents, with whom I don't get on. But needs must: I'm chronically lonely, and worse, pathologically incapable of starting the online business I dream of.

Like all idiots who do this to themselves, I haven't a clue how to put it right because I didn't take enough notice of the downhill slide to this point. Though Lord knows I must have looked mad, first gloomy in my work, then anorectic, then fired, then cutting off all social ties to friends who I didn't really like anyway.

Since last November I've been unemployed, living with the folks, my head stuffed full of an online empire "when I get myself sorted". But when will that be? How will it be? Not a clue. At hobby clubs and social events, in random conversations with strangers I encounter walking through my native London, I feel this strange lethargy press down on my chest...all that pops into my head are polite insincerities, such as I entertained my old "friends" with (and God how painful was my perennial hyena grin!), otherwise...confusions, troubles that I want to work through because they are uppermost on my mind...I suppose a good dose of moaning too, such as would send me screaming naked into the desert if somebody tried it with me. (No agony aunt, I!) Or maybe it's not moaning I need. Maybe I just need to cry. Can you imagine a stranger asking you to listen to them cry? Asking you for a hug? *moue of disgust* I return home every time out of pocket and lost. The hole in my chest sighs wider open.

And yet. And yet. Square one of loneliness and uselessness, violins screeching in my ears alone - living should not be such a headache.

I wish I could explain the feeling properly: worse than winter cold seeping in through the bones, through the spongy pith of the lungs, freezing the brain and heart itself until it feels like you're looking at the world through glass. No, worse: through the ice that crusts over the lake in which you are drowning. In the past I would have laughed at such histrionics...I do believe - or thought I believed - that nothing except death is a tragedy, all else can be laughed at, repaired. But for now I am, as I've said, useless, and reach out - blushing, yearning - to you for help on how to break the deadlock...

AFTERTHOUGHT: Sorry I just realised I should have posted in the social board...just shows where my head is :-p

[seeker5]

How do you break out of social isolation?

To answer your questions, you do it small step by small step. It's like a circle, you strive to push the edge out. Your first step could be to join a toastmasters club so you are around people in a positive structured social situation at least once a week. I have known people who have used toastmasters to get out of their social isolation, myself included. It's not the only step, nor the last step, but it's a good first step. I'm sure there are a lot of other possible first steps as well. Like everything else in personal development, you need to stop focusing on the pain you get from not having what you want, and focus on asking questions like you did and seeking ways to get what you want.

[Brutha]

AFTERTHOUGHT: Sorry I just realised I should have posted in the social board...just shows where my head is :-p

There is nothing that can't be fixed, I have moved your thread.

[NotesMaeve]

Step at a time. Break the pattern.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say the forced socialization of a job can teach social skills. Sitting at home with Mom and Dad? Not so much. Use it as an opportunity to add routine in your life until you're capable of doing it yourself.

[UHF]

Hello there.

'...embarrassing as the fact that at 25 I live with my parents, with whom I don't get on.'

Living in Britain isn't easy these days. The government have done their utmost to turn the place into a debtors culture. Living with your parents at 25 is nothing to be ashamed of. People increasingly have to, since renting is expensive, particularly in London and trying to buy would be financially suicidal right now. I'm sure you don't hate your parents, but living with them especially while unemployed isn't good for relations.

'...I didn't take enough notice of the downhill slide to this point ... cutting off all social ties to friends who I didn't really like anyway.'

Yes it's upon you before you know it and you wonder how you got this way. Try and look at each of your old friends individually and decide what put you off each of them. Was it your mood that's behind it? It's easy to disregard people when your in a poor mood.

'Since last November I've been unemployed, living with the folks'

You need a job to get you going again, what sort of work did you do?

'...I feel this strange lethargy press down on my chest...'

Your depressed.

A suggested action plan based on knowing nothing about you:

Look for a job - even a £5/hour job at Waterstones is fine for a while.

Make a point of seeing your old friends regularly. Ask them about themselves - what is there about them you can like?

Get out in London if your have free time. Go to and see things you wouldn't normally bother with, galleries, museums (thankfully mostly free). You need more varied input.

As for the online business - this will take a while, can you break it into smaller projects?

You've posted about feeling like crap. What things do you like? The more you can say about yourself, the more specific the advice can be.

Simon

[openeyes]

I second the thought about getting a job, any job, preferably one around other people. Also, if you really want to make yourself get out and interact with people more, just kick yourself out of the house each day as soon as you wake up and shower. Don't head home until it's time to go to bed.

I posted back in May about my experiment of going a few weeks completely without a house. It was the most socially active time of my life, as the town I live in essentially became my home, and I got to know the area much better than before. I wasn't really homeless, my home had simply expanded

[Christian223]

Attitude is the most important thing you could gain, i mean, work to gain a positive attitude towards everything, use affirmations, use EFT EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else, Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique to see some free videos, it will help you as it helped me with a similar problem than yours (looks weird, but it works, and fast!, and free!), the good thing is that you have made the most important thing in growing as a person, without it you would have stayed the same for your whole life, you have accepted your problem, now you are walking on the path to get better, and you will get better.
Good luck, i would love to hear how much progress you have made after you try EFT

[Lillycyn]

I don't see your living with your parents and jobless at age 25 as anything to feel so negative about. My father told me many years ago that when you're young and just starting out in life, no one expects you to be successful and perfectly on course. If you reach the age of 40 and you're still jobless and living with your parents, then you should be worried. Perhaps you should try changing your perception of yourself and see this as an opportunity to explore things you have yet to even think about. Expose yourself to as many opportunities as you possibly can. Think of all the things you could be doing instead of sitting home feeling bad about how your life is progressing...or not progressing. Your job required you to establish a certain routine. If gave you time boundaries which you interpreted as purpose. Establish your own routine. Get up early, shower and shave and pretend like you have somewhere special to go. Go anywhere and make it special. Put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until you see something that sparks your interest and then pursue it. You will probably be amazed at what will present itself to you,...if you just put yourself out there. Be glad you have parents that you can live with and focus on the blessings in your life. All unhappiness is caused by comparison. Start comparing your situation to so many who have so much less. Good luck!

[Michael Chui]

First, get a job.

In the world of today, financial independence is critical. You should look for two different types of jobs:

1) Jobs that can get you lots of money within a year. The purpose of this is to be able to build a savings of your own, which acts doubly as just-in-case funds in the future and as future capital for your business.

2) Jobs that pay you extra for overtime. The purpose of this is to keep you at minimal contact with your parents and make you extra money at the same time without being forced to pay for rent and such.

I'm in a situation pretty similar to yours. Right now, my number one priority is to make enough money in the next two weeks to pay rent in the next month. And if I can keep that up, then I know I'll have all the time in the world to do as I like, and I can buy anything I want if I plan for it and save up for it.

That doesn't answer your question about social isolation, true, but have you tried seeing whether or not any forum members in London feel like meeting up? You're here in this forum; perhaps you can find a kindred spirit nearby.

[Doku]

I echo the "get a job" response... Find a job, socialize with the people you work with. When you start to come out of your shell a bit, eat lunch with them, etc. ie: the "baby steps" that was metioned earlier.

[Asmoday]

Serendipity: Confront death.

Sorry, first posted addressing wrong person.

[Bene]

Originally Posted by Lillycyn

I don't see your living with your parents and jobless at age 25 as anything to feel so negative about. My father told me many years ago that when you're young and just starting out in life, no one expects you to be successful and perfectly on course. If you reach the age of 40 and you're still jobless and living with your parents, then you should be worried. Perhaps you should try changing your perception of yourself and see this as an opportunity to explore things you have yet to even think about. Expose yourself to as many opportunities as you possibly can. Think of all the things you could be doing instead of sitting home feeling bad about how your life is progressing...or not progressing. Your job required you to establish a certain routine. If gave you time boundaries which you interpreted as purpose. Establish your own routine. Get up early, shower and shave and pretend like you have somewhere special to go. Go anywhere and make it special. Put one foot in front of the other and keep doing that until you see something that sparks your interest and then pursue it. You will probably be amazed at what will present itself to you,...if you just put yourself out there. Be glad you have parents that you can live with and focus on the blessings in your life. All unhappiness is caused by comparison. Start comparing your situation to so many who have so much less. Good luck!

This is great advice, all of it! Thanks lillycyn! I think having a routine is important. I think doing anything to set yourself psychologically is a precursor to physical manifestation. Be there in the mind and you'll be there in the body.

[Alex Wu]

Hey serendipity,

First of all, bravo on having the guts to write about your situation. It is not easy writing about your life, particularly if you're not happy and/or proud of it. And I can appreciate that your situation must be extremely frustrating, leaving you feeling helpless. But it's never hopeless, and your life will reverse. You're in a down period, maybe close to rock bottom. Life will turn upwards eventually.

One option might be to simply burst out of your present situation and totally shake things up. At this point, that might involve finding a new job - perhaps one that interests you (and deep down we all know what interests us!) Joining a Toastmasters club can also help, plus it enhances your speaking and leadership skills. Go around to several clubs and try them all on for size. Don't give up dreams of your online empire. You just may not be ready for it yet, but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen.

[serendipity]

A heartfelt thank you to everyone for your replies. Even virtual contact is better than no contact at all, and they helped my mood lift.

I considered getting a job again...for a few days. I made an application or five. Dear Lord, those few days for which I did so felt rather like contemplating turning myself into the police for some crime. In truth I make a lousy employee: no motivation to be one, a chequered and gappy CV, plus I never graduated from university. Clinched by having zero referees: I haven't a clue where most of my previous employers have gotten to...I did a lot of cash-in-hand type jobs, cleaning, waitressing, fundraising, call centre sales...as well as normally salaried stuff like cycle courier, healthcare assistant, administrator (legal and medical), and shop girl jobs. As I say though, I don't know where most of my employers have gotten to, and the ones who I do know of - the steady, suited and booted, conventional types...well, I tried going back to one (the most senior receptionist/administrator at a medical centre) and my brief conversation with her was so halting, so strange and disconnected, she stopped mid sentence and said she would call or write "or something. Perhaps. Soon". I left, confused, then amused. It was a try, if a baulked one. She didn't get back to me and I didn't push her.

Well that was that, I thought, and since then I've been running simple errands - cleaning, housekeeping, labour - as much for instruction in the business of saying hello as for money (I've been tempted sometimes to freelance write or paint commissioned portraits as I used to, but that would be setting myself up for a crash.)

And bit by bit, I've allocated time expressly to hang out in the more touristy areas of London, and learn to strike up conversations with people. I'm sure many have thought I should be sectioned.

At worst, I'm not growing into a dreamed-of career in leaps and bounds, at best, I'm feeling better, as though I am moving towards what I want, albeit at something less than a snail's pace. I can at least spend half an hour in the mornings (yes, I get up in the mornings again!) visualising the independent artist-writer's career I want, although, as yet, I'm not making concrete plans. I don't think I would have tried anything much if I hadn't posted here, embarrassing though it was. So I reiterate to all of you: I really, really appreciate your kindness.

[NotesMaeve]

I'm really happy you're finding yourself and taking positive steps, Girl Ann.

You're earning money, which is awesome. Give yourself some time to figure things out and be gentle. PM me if you have YIM; I'd love to talk to you even though I'm across the pond!

[CoolStuff]

I'm sure everyone is giving you very good advice. I just wanted to give you these encouraging words..

A lot of things don't matter as much as you think. I know someone who lives with his mom at around your age, he's still social and confident, more than most people.