Love's Dance

[172]

...ok so hypothetical question....

A man relentlessly pursues a woman for many years....she rejects his advances....until he finally wears her down and she accepts....they spend a year and a half in loving bliss...it's everything he ever thought it would be....THEN when he realizes she really does love him....he starts losing interest.

Is this "dance" normal? Can the tables be turned back again to where he pursues once again? Can this ever be balanced out?

How does she repair the apparent breech caused by him coming to the realization that he has won her fully and the pursuit is over? Does this also happen in marriage?

[Angela]

Hypothetical situations are not nearly as interesting as the real stuff; there are a billion variables. Is this going on in your own life, or do you fear it might?

What is your real concern about this? You are much more interesting than what may or may not happen someday.

[172]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hypothetical situations are not nearly as interesting as the real stuff; there are a billion variables. Is this going on in your own life, or do you fear it might?

What is your real concern about this? You are much more interesting than what may or may not happen someday.

I didn't know hypotheticals were a bad thing. I think I have already expressed my real concern in the questions I asked. I would imagine that if there are universal principles regarding this subject matter, they would apply across the board...regardless to the players involved. Anyone in love can benefit from the feedback.

[Angela]

I didn't say hypotheticals were bad. Just that it's much more interesting to look boldly at what's really going on than to intellectualize and theorize about what may or may not happen "someday" (which doesn't exist). Or thinking about what's "normal."

One thing I've learned is that when it comes to love, there are no universal principals. There is not one consideration around love that everybody agrees on. Come to think of it, I don't think there's one consideration around anything that everybody agrees on!

But since you appear to be married to your desire to hypothesize, have at it! I'll go where the action is.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by 172

...How does she repair the apparent breech caused by him coming to the realization that he has won her fully and the pursuit is over? Does this also happen in marriage?

If all she ever was to him was a pursuit then the whole relationship was based on a the wrong premise - his ego.

To answer your question this does not normally happen in a healthy marriage.

[Plato]

Read David Deida's "Way of the superior man". It will answer your questions.

[Amandaaa]

A man relentlessly pursues a woman for many years....she rejects his advances....until he finally wears her down and she accepts....they spend a year and a half in loving bliss...it's everything he ever thought it would be....THEN when he realizes she really does love him....he starts losing interest.

oh my god, i think my heart just sunk a little bit when i read that...
haha

i've always been so afraid of that happening...

i've been playing hard to get for literally, like, 4 years. (ridiculous, i know). it's also sort of a result of our circumstances... but i'm so afraid that once he gets the reciprocity that he wants, he'll lose interest. it'll be like, "Game Over."

it's the thrill of the chase.
and it depends on the guy..but yes, i think it is pretty normal.

and to be honest, i'm not really sure what i would do...


if it's true love, then i think the couple could find a way to balance it out again and keep things exciting.
it won't be as much of a "rush" as the initial pursuit, but i would hope that, in marriage, you would kind of reach a different level of love and respect for each other.
you have to be past the point of playing games.
that's what the single life is for.

[alexinspire]

I think no one should actually fear this situation will happen.

172, it's no hypothetical question is bad. Bringing up a hypothetical situation just won't contribute or benefit others. No bad, but no benefits! I think that's what Angela as moderator want to say.

If you want to benefit all the members buddy and yourself, share something real in your life. And there are many many millions of hypothetical question you can made up and non of them might even happen!

******about 172's question*******

If a person really love a woman, he won't leave her even he gets love from the woman. He is actually just trying to prove that he is good not coming from love. If you think he loves the woman, you don't really need to care, worry or concern.

If you see he is chasing just for proving, just tell him straight in his face. Or when he leave, just thank him for a good time and move on with life.

Did that answer all the question!

Cheers! Have fun and nothing serious about sharing good or bad things.

[Amandaaa]

Bringing up a hypothetical situation just won't contribute or benefit others.

au contraire...

it'll benefit me! ...especially since it's a very probable scenario.


so...yeah.
i love hypothetical questions.
...it helps you prepare for the worst.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

i love hypothetical questions.
...it helps you prepare for the worst.

The only way to deal with the worst is to experience it. The best lover is someone who has gone through a dozen heartbreaks and still comes out of it willing to love.

Originally Posted by 172

Is this "dance" normal?

Yes. No.

Originally Posted by 172

Can the tables be turned back again to where he pursues once again?

Yes. I recommend against it. Though that's an odd way to use the "tables turning" metaphor; I expected you to suggest that she chase him.

Originally Posted by 172

Can this ever be balanced out?

Yes. When they chase each other.

Originally Posted by 172

How does she repair the apparent breech caused by him coming to the realization that he has won her fully and the pursuit is over?

By loving herself.

Originally Posted by 172

Does this also happen in marriage?

Yes. No.

[Lychee]

A man relentlessly pursues a woman for many years....she rejects his advances....until he finally wears her down and she accepts....they spend a year and a half in loving bliss...it's everything he ever thought it would be....THEN when he realizes she really does love him....he starts losing interest.

I would say this happens more with men than women. The saying "familiarity breeds contempt" is not the exception here. Guys like having the chase, and when they've won the prize they start to lose interest because they are liking the wrong thing - the chase and not the woman. Just because it happens doesn't mean that it is right. It can be balanced out by his learning to appreciate what love really means, himself, the woman, and by knowing the nuances of his (immature) behavior so he can conquer/control it.

[Rose of Cairo]

This scenario reminds me of that little "if you don't love me I love you, if you love me I don't love you" game, often played by persons who don't really love themselves. Somewhere in their mind they don't feel worthy enough to be loved, so every person truly loving them eventually loses his/her value in their eyes - and they lose interest, to look for someone "better", that means, who does not love them of course.

So, if this is the case here, if the woman would run away again, maybe she would regain some value in his eyes and he would run after her again. But hey, that's not healthy!

But I don't know if this is the case here, as it is purely hypothetical. Maybe he's only interested in a difficult challenge. Then he does not love her as a person but as a symbol. And hey, that's not healthy!

[172]

Originally Posted by Plato

Read David Deida's "Way of the superior man". It will answer your questions.

You were 100% correct in this advice. I actually own that book and picked it up again to re-read upon your advice.....I'm very grateful you suggested that. I have learned a tremendous amount from that book just in the last few days.

[Lillycyn]

If he only lives for the chase and cannot commit to a whole and meaningful relationship, you are better served by moving on. Of course, this may make him chase you again. If you are content being the chasee, that would solve your problem. If not, you open yourself up to finding someone that is interested in the kind of relationship you need.

[Velvet]

Originally Posted by 172

You were 100% correct in this advice. I actually own that book and picked it up again to re-read upon your advice.....I'm very grateful you suggested that. I have learned a tremendous amount from that book just in the last few days.

Can you share the insights here?

To answer your original question, I think that the "chase" (I think "dance" is a more appropriate metaphor) is important in the beginning, but if that's all there is, the guy is not really loving you, he is projecting all kinds of ego stuff on you.

(B.t.w., the woman being chased may also lose interest once she's been "caught," because the thrill of being pursued feeds her ego, too.)

I have, in fact, experienced your worst case scenario, but I got over the pain pretty quickly when I realized that I wasn't losing anything--it wasn't a real relationship, just a diversion.

I have also experienced much healthier relationships and I know that some men are capable of both chasing and loving for real.