How to create Rapport

[babygirl]

In my opinion, rapport is crucial in life; the connection between two people. The unspoken words that tell that person “we are on the same page”.

The ability to develop genuine strong rapport with people will bring benefits to many areas of your life.

Whether it’s getting served faster at the bar, getting off a video fine or taking a beautiful woman to bed, you get so much more out of people who feel genuine rapport with you.

When you develop the skills to create powerful rapport with people, you can’t help but feel powerful. It’s like you can win anyone over and come out on top in any given social situation. It truly is a great skill to have.

My aim is to create rapport with everyone I interact with; men and women. I don’t see any negatives from having strong rapport with a great many people. I believe you get the best out of people when you feel a strong connection with them.

How do I create rapport?

1. Give something of yourself away; open up to people. Have you ever noticed how telling someone a secret and having them keep it safe makes you hold that person in high regard? I am not advocating telling everyone you meet your deepest darkest secrets; just use the principles. When you tell people something about yourself, (other than the usual, name, age, job etc.), it gives them a window into your personality; a chance to see some of the real you. You are sub-communicating to them: “I am open to you and it’s OK for you to open up to me.” You will often find that they will start to tell you things about their lives. You are already communicating on a deeper level than everyone else she has met that night.

2. I use self-deprecating humour – Almost counter-intuitively, the ability to laugh at yourself actually demonstrates a real strength of character. It is an Alpha trait to not care what other people think of you. The people you are talking to are not perfect either. They will find it easier to relate to a person who can laugh at themselves. Think about it, how hard is it to relate to a guy who takes himself extremely seriously and who will not allow anyone to make a joke at his expense? Be cool.

3. Talk to people at their level. Be mindful of their vocabulary and listen to they give you (about their jobs, lifestyle etc). Within one minute of an interaction, I will know what type of person I am dealing with and I will adjust my diction and conversational threads accordingly. If I was talking to a beautician, I might talk about Big Brother. If I was talking to a law student, I may talk about the political situation in Iraq. This is all about positioning myself at their level of intellect and engaging them in topics that they would have an interest discussing.

4. Empathy – I will always try to see where the other person is coming from. Seeing things from their perspective is a very powerful skill to have when you are creating connections with people. If I am talking to a girl and she mentions that her grandmother has died, I will automatically liken that to the feelings that I had when my grandfather died. I would talk about my feelings during that time and I would expect to share numerous connections with her.

5. Shared experiences – If

6. I will talk sensibly about deep and emotive topics that affect people’s lives. I will talk to a black person about racism, a nurse about the state of pay in the NHS or a gay guy about homophobia. It demonstrates maturity, social intelligence and a depth of character.

7. I will talk about myself in a positive light – Need more here…

8. I will give my genuine opinions on topics and explain why. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to connect with a sycophant; someone who agrees with everything you say? There is no substance or depth there within which to build a meaningful connection. I will readily disagree with someone if I genuinely do not hold their point of view. I will always do this in a very respectful/ humble manner and let them know my reasons for my opinion.

9. I pay genuine compliments to people. If I notice something I like about a person, I will verbalise it to them; I will compliment guys and girls. If a girl has a strong sense of family values, I will comment on it and tell her I think it is a very attractive quality to have. If a guy is well dressed, I will tell him he looks like “one of the most stylish guys in the club.” Compliments are not supplication as long as they are genuine and delivered in the right way. (SEE QUALIFICATION, PAGE XXXXX) Compliments are also a sign of inner strength; you will find that most guys who are insecure find it hard to praise other people.

10. I will demonstrate the fact that I am a multidimensional individual. I will constantly mix it up from being “comedy Phil” to “serious Phil” to “deep and meaningful Phil.” Not only does this display a great depth of character, it also increases your chances of finding a connection with people. Some people just want to laugh, some are more interested in discussing the political situation in Iraq. By displaying a multi-dimensional character, you are increasing your chances of connecting with them all.

11. Don’t brag about yourself; this comes across as tacky and will put people off; modesty is so much cooler. Let your achievements come out through the course of natural conversation. Cool people have the ability to praise themselves without making it look like they are bragging.

“I am not drop dead gorgeous, but I know I am not ugly”
Is so much cooler than saying:
“I am really good looking”

“I am fortunate to have some really beautiful women in my life”
Is so much cooler than saying:
“I get all the good looking girls”

If you have a good wingman, he can tell the group all of your personal achievements without you having to open your mouth. If you absolutely have to praise yourself, using this sentence before the “brag” will lessen the impact:

“I don’t mean to be arrogant but”…

12. I never judge anyone. Whenever I ask questions and find out about people’s lives, I am never judgemental with their responses. Someone who feels they are likely to be judged by a person is unlikely to truly open up to that person. It is very difficult to create rapport with a person who has kept their barriers up.

13. Trust – If you are following my system, you will realise that a lot of it is about being a good person. Over time, people will realise that they can trust you and this will lead to them opening up more to you. Note that some people take longer to open-up than others. Apply these principles and every person will open-up quicker to you.

14. Being attractive – By becoming the attractive man, you will find that people are more open to you. Girls (and even some guys) will be more interested in creating a connection with someone they find attractive. Your rapport building techniques (along with the rest of your game) will be so much better received if they are attracted to you.

15. Buying people drinks. If I am talking to a guy or a girl that is really cool, I will buy them a drink. Generosity when done in the right way (on your terms) is really attractive. Note… I am not saying to people “please can I buy you a drink”… If I am at the bar and I am buying a drink, I will turn and say to the person “what are you having.” I assume that they will drink with me. (If you have your rapport game down), they usually will 

16. I shake hands with everyone (in the cool way ) – It’s a tiny detail, but a handshake is symbolic of a connection between two people. If I open a group of ten people, I will ask for their names and introduce myself to each one of them with a firm (cool) handshake.

17. I will talk about topics they want to talk about. Most people like to talk about their interests and their lives; I will facilitate that conversation. If I am talking to a professional fighter, I may ask him how his preparation is coming along for his next fight, or I will talk about fighting in general. If I am talking to an Estate Agent, I will ask them about their jobs; the upsides and the downsides.

18. Being direct – I am direct with everyone I meet. People always know where they stand with me and this is so much more conducive to building rapport than someone who never speaks his real mind. Being direct does not mean being rude, it just means being honest with your intentions.

19. I have exemplary manners; this is very important to me. Not saying please and thank you and just having general poor manners is one of the most unattractive things a person can be. Basic manners cost absolutely nothing and they are a very attractive quality (See Manners PAGE XXXXX).

20. Asking people their names and introducing yourself - This is basic common sense manners and should not be forgotten. When you find out someone’s name and then introduce yourself, you will

21. Eye contact – Maintain good solid eye contact when you speak. If your eyes dart around the room, it will send the signal that you are nervous and this will make the person you are talking to nervous (not conducive to developing strong rapport).

22. Voice – Speak in a strong clear voice. As with eye contact, if you have a weak or hesitant voice, this will communicate that you are nervous; you will project these nerves onto others around you and you will make it harder to create a bond with others.

[babygirl]

(continued from other post)

23. When I introduce people to people, I will show that I know something about that person. I will always put a positive spin on that person’s life.

“John, this is Mikey… superstar DJ from around the town and a very accomplished ladies man”

“This is Sammy… he’s training to be a cage fighter and someone you do not want to tangle with”

“This is Carly… she is one of the best dressed women I have ever met”.

Paying people positive complements in this way is very powerful.

24. I laugh loudly and freely. If someone says or does something very funny, I will not sit there and try to look cool by being all alpha, I will laugh out loud. I will let others know that I have found their joke funny.

25. Taking pictures

26. Mimicking their voice – This can be a very subtle, yet powerful generator of rapport. If a person speaks with an accent, I often copy that accent when I speak with them. I will often get **** tested for this, but I always persevere through to compliance. It helps to set a very light hearted and humorous undertone with the person involved. On a subconscious level, talking back to them with their voice also creates a strong connection with that person. I do this with guys and girls to great effect.

27. Mimicking their language/expressions – Everyone has a selection of words and expressions that they use over and over again.

28. Introduce people to people, or as the MM crowd would say “merge the sets.” When I am out, I am constantly introducing my friends to people I have just met and vice versa. ((I will usually add something like “She’s a good girl” or “He’s a good guys” (SEE PAGE XXXXXX)). You are actually connecting groups of people to each other and displaying that you are the guy who is

29. Taking an interest in people – I will ask questions and really listen to what they tell me. I try to have conversations with people that are a little deeper than the usual club/bar “chat.” I advocate building a social circle within a community, so I will see these people over and over again. When I next see that person, I will have a much stronger connection with them as I will know more about their lives. “How did your exams go?” “What was it like in Thailand?” “Did you win the football?” You are using common sense principles to get to find out more about people and their lives and you are creating strong rapport with them in the process.

30. I ask for help from others – I used to work at a recruitment business. When I was out and I got talking about what I did, I was often asked by potential job seekers advice on how to find employment. I would give them the benefit of my experience, often taking their email and send them website addresses; I would give them as much help as I could. This made me feel good and it also created a connection between me and that person. People inherently like to display knowledge over others; they like to be made to feel special.

a. If I am in the bar and I get talking to a guy who is a martial arts instructor, I will ask him to tell me about some decent training techniques.
b. If I am talking to a girl who works for a travel agency, I might ask her to advise me on a great place to go on holiday in the summer.
c. If I find out someone is a Financial Advisor, I may ask them where I should be investing my money.

Asking people to share their knowledge with you not only creates a connection with that person, but the help you receive may also help you in your life.

[seeker5]

26. Mimicking their voice – This can be a very subtle, yet powerful generator of rapport. If a person speaks with an accent, I often copy that accent when I speak with them. I will often get **** tested for this, but I always persevere through to compliance. It helps to set a very light hearted and humorous undertone with the person involved. On a subconscious level, talking back to them with their voice also creates a strong connection with that person. I do this with guys and girls to great effect.

I assume you don't mean a foreign accent, because a native speaking in a foreign accent to a non-native speaker will make the non-native speaker think you are mocking him.

[babygirl]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I assume you don't mean a foreign accent, because a native speaking in a foreign accent to a non-native speaker will make the non-native speaker think you are mocking him.

I do mean a foreign accent... I always do this... i was doing it subconsciously and then realised i was doing it when i was forced to think about rapport.

I have never had anyone have a bad reaction towards it...

I do tend to "rib" or "tease" people a lot - It is always done in a very lighthearted way... I guess this is the frame.... lighthearted and fun.

Phil x

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by babygirl

I do mean a foreign accent... I always do this... i was doing it subconsciously and then realised i was doing it when i was forced to think about rapport.

I have never had anyone have a bad reaction towards it...

I do tend to "rib" or "tease" people a lot - It is always done in a very lighthearted way... I guess this is the frame.... lighthearted and fun.

Phil x

I guess you must do it in a great manner if you can pull it off without offending them.

BTW, I read the rest of your post and I enjoyed it, some good info there. You know you have some parts that aren't finished with only one word or two.

[Plato]

It's still good, though I read it two months ago. Cheers. Might want to adapt it for the Steve Pav crowd?

[alexinspire]

Great list about rapport! Thanks for sharing.

I would like to add in one more: Don't fill up our head with all the tips about rapport.

We need to master it and not keep it in our head. Use it like a habit and not always think of what to do next in our thoughts. This will allow everyone to create rapport easily and naturally.

Master Vs. Remember

Master: We practice it one by one until we don't need to remind ourselves to do it. We just do it naturally.

Remember: We fill all the information in our head and stuck on what to do next. We can't really be clear what to do next but just recalling what we remember.

My advice. Pick one and practice it for sometime.

Good contribution. Cheers!

[JimOfferman]

I dunno, some of the things you mention on your list are good, while others just give me the creeps or are downright misguided in my humble opinion.

For example, in #6 you mention talking to black people about racism. When I talk to black people, I talk about music, or the weather, or any of the thousand other subjects that I talk about with white, yellow and green people. You create rapport by treating other people with the respect they deserve, regardless of the color of their skin, the shape of their hair or state of their clothes.

Jim.