How do you deal with family members?

[SweetMelissa]

Normally, when I encounter closed-minded religious bigots in life I can just keep a distant relationship with them and deal with it. However, having many deeply religious Christian family members makes it very hard to avoid them. I'm not saying they're horrible people, but my world view is much different than theirs and sometimes it leads to conflict, especially when we discuss politics. For instance, one family member who is an avid Bush supporter said she "just didn't care" when the whole Abu Ghrab scandal came to surface. That mentality is rather alien to me. I am more spiritual and they are more dogmatic. Surely I'm not the only person who has had to deal with this problem. Any advice would be highly appreciated!

[Shamou]

SweetMelissa! Obviously there are no magic solution here... so, we are left with the least damaging of traumatic ones...

When I am confronted with bigots... I simply do not actively participate in the discussion... and, if pressed for a reaction... I will simply give a noncommittal reply such as, "Opinions varies on this matter..." and let it go at that...

The point is that if you don't provide an adequate sounding board for a repartee... the discussion will very soon die off...

If worse comes to worse... eat garlic and stand very close to the person who is talking to you... it will work wonders...
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[Zukin]

This article by Steve has a lot of good information:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ult-relatives/

[Boreas]

Try not to let their opinions bother you. Perhaps it is not by choice that they have them. When someone sends an opinion to me that I find to be misguided I usually just log it in, and sometimes find it amusing. I try never to let it get to me, or make me feel like I have to distance myself. I rarely try to "correct" them, or give them my point of view.

Every person is a source of information, no matter how trite or ignorant that information may seem, there is always something to learn.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by Boreas

When someone sends an opinion to me that I find to be misguided I usually just log it in, and sometimes find it amusing. I try never to let it get to me, or make me feel like I have to distance myself. I rarely try to "correct" them, or give them my point of view.

I'm about the same in that regard. If I don't agree with the topic of a discussion I usually just don't take part in it. I can't remember the last time I got in an argument with family or anyone else. I simply don't care about proving myself right. If someone is particularly emphatic they end up just being yet another source of humor for me I tend to gravitate to areas where none of this is apt to be an issue anyhow, and I have no problem with spending less time around family members who seek to be combative.

[lizthefair]

In the end I guess you all are right-- the opinions won't be changed, and likely as not they aren't interested in a conversation anyway. But for me it feels disloyal to my higher self to sit in a room with people (even relatives) who make comments or acted in a way that is homophobic, racist, sexist, etc.

Because I'm not really able to be quiet about it, I usually point out the other side in as non confrontational a way as possible. Some times it goes well, sometimes not.

[Peter S C]

My advice is to steer clear of topics such as religion and politics with these types of relatives. It is highly unlikely you will change their world view, and all that will happen is you will be at a loss as to how someone can think in such a way (and then you will have to start a thread on an internet forum to work it out..... ). Find a less controversial topic to discuss... even if it is shallow (the latest celebrity rehab story) or mundane (the weather).

[The David]

Is this only a problem when politics are brought up? Remember, you don't have to agree with a person to be friends with them. If, however, your lifestyle is in extreme conflict (as mine is with my parents), then there isn't much that can be done. If you handle this maturely and they still mistreat you, then it ultimately comes down to deciding how much you are willing to put up with.

[Maguru]

Sweetmelissa, how do you define 'closed-minded religious bigots? This sounds like the problem to me.
I don't undersatnd your mentality. It is rather alien to me.

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

Normally, when I encounter closed-minded religious bigots in life I can just keep a distant relationship with them and deal with it. However, having many deeply religious Christian family members makes it very hard to avoid them. I'm not saying they're horrible people, but my world view is much different than theirs and sometimes it leads to conflict, especially when we discuss politics. For instance, one family member who is an avid Bush supporter said she "just didn't care" when the whole Abu Ghrab scandal came to surface. That mentality is rather alien to me. I am more spiritual and they are more dogmatic. Surely I'm not the only person who has had to deal with this problem. Any advice would be highly appreciated!

[SweetMelissa]

Maguru, this is how I define "closed-minded religious bigots" = A person who will not entertain opposing views on anything, those who think their race, country, and religion is superior, those who place more emphasis on rules of relgion than on spirituality of God.


Thanks to you all for your wonderful advice. I know I have to choose my battles and decide for myself when it's the right time to give my opinion with them. I always try to assert myself in a calm way and not act like we have to argue in order to voice opinions.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

I always try to assert myself in a calm way and not act like we have to argue in order to voice opinions.

If at all possible, the best way to "voice an opinion" is to do it in such a way that the conclusion will bring a "win, win" resolution...

That is, where nobody loses and everybody wins...

It some cases, it might not be easy... but the old adage that says, "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still..." will always be true...

Rarely can points of view be imposed by facts and logic because, as Dale Carnegie said, "When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bustling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."

Sad... but true...
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[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

Normally, when I encounter closed-minded religious bigots in life I can just keep a distant relationship with them and deal with it. However, having many deeply religious Christian family members makes it very hard to avoid them. I'm not saying they're horrible people, but my world view is much different than theirs and sometimes it leads to conflict, especially when we discuss politics. For instance, one family member who is an avid Bush supporter said she "just didn't care" when the whole Abu Ghrab scandal came to surface. That mentality is rather alien to me. I am more spiritual and they are more dogmatic. Surely I'm not the only person who has had to deal with this problem. Any advice would be highly appreciated!

What's the problem? Is it unacceptable for others to have different opinions or views than you do? Aren't you being just as closed-minded as they are?

I'm just messing around. I know what you mean, my parents are the utterly shallow, yet religious type as well. If they aren't accepting of your views, so be it. Don't sink to that level, accept them as they are with open arms. Judging them for judging doesn't make sense.

[SweetMelissa]

whew, glad you weren't being serious..

As far as the "judging them for judging me thing", I do not feel I am being judgmental, just observant and honest. I think we all like to be in the company of those whom we can freely express ourselves and not be bashed. I adhere to the belief that we're all connected and therefore should treat one another with the same respect we desire. It's really as simple as that.

[Livgivare]

If you really feel at the lowest low after a debate or an oppinion you feel really angry about. I would suggest you to find out the Swedish Glam-rock band The Ark, they have the most beautiful lyrics that really, really are about those sort of trouble. As I have nothing more to offer then to read or listen to their lyrics (Often written souly by Ola Salo the singer) mainly the song "It Takes A Fool To Remain Sane" and some of those few worth mentioning songs "Absolutely No Decorum", "Ain't To Proud To Bow" and "Echo Chamber". Those songs will maybe not make you more happy when you encounter your relatives, but as a mantra of some sort only in your head they lead you to not feel bad about yourself afterwords and maybe leave you off feeling that they at least are not playing dead.

Other lyrics from this group is good too to listen to, to stretch out ones opinions and feelings towards them. And the best thing is, if you find other lyrics of the same topics (as the songs I told you to look up) from artists that the relatives likes and play them loud when they come to your place. Since music is such a good source for making people stop and think, even if you trigger them subconscious.

It seems a bit harsh or even evil to do this. But think about it, all people does this kind of things even if they do not know it. When you come to a house of a friend, he or she is probobly having a CD on of any sort, and the lyrics is sometimes important to your friend. Even if you do not think about the lyrics yourself maybe, just maybe after hearing the same melody that is a good one you start to listen to the lyrics.

Worth a try at least. I know The Ark and the way Ola Salo is (he is very famous in Sweden) have helped many young people to feel better about themselves and becoming more openminded, even towards the opinions they hate from people they hold dear.

Love Leelene

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Steve had a brilliant blog on this once - http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...se-mindedness/. , and yes, there must be acceptance that you will see others as closed minded partly because YOU are also being a bit closed-minded as well...

But the line to use with them is (thanks Wayne Dyer) "You might be right!". It allows everyone to walk away without being offended. I've tried this a few times myself and its great!

Enjoy
Hazel

[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

whew, glad you weren't being serious..

As far as the "judging them for judging me thing", I do not feel I am being judgmental, just observant and honest. I think we all like to be in the company of those whom we can freely express ourselves and not be bashed. I adhere to the belief that we're all connected and therefore should treat one another with the same respect we desire. It's really as simple as that.

Well, I think you have a few options here.

1. Argue anyway. What's the harm in a good argument? Just make sure not to be purposely offensive, even if they are purposely trying to offend you. If both parties are simply having a nice conversation, nobody gets hurt. Who knows, maybe someone might learn something?

2. Learn to take bashings. Get rid of your ego and your ego can't be hurt.

3. Avoid arguments in the first place. If you know they won't change their mind or they refuse to listen to logic, why bother?

4. Listen to what other people have said and try to find a middle ground where both parties understand each other and agree to disagree.

[Matthew Shea]

SweetMelissa, in situations like that, it helps greatly to have a sympathetic ear you can vent to. I had a similar situation this past weekend where I very strongly disagreed with what was being preached at my own church. It turned out that a friend happened to be there at the same time and I was able to vent my spleen a little bit and get reassurance that the garbage this guy was preaching had caused consternation for a lot of other people too. It made me feel a lot better.

When I have to deal one-on-one with people like that, along the lines of what Shamou said, I try to be as non-committal as possible and, unless it's something I feel unusually strongly about, respond in such a way as to end the conversation or change the subject as quickly as possible without being rude. In other words, let them finish what they're saying, acknowledge their point of view, then move on to a less sensitive topic.

[Christian223]

I am not sure if what im going to say has been said before, but i also got this kind of problem in the past, the way i handle it is by mutual concent, you and the other person must agree that a particular issue is causing fights and anger and that you are not going to change your mind anytime soon, so you just agree to avoid it for the sake of peace and friendship, it worked for me.

But i also have very strong ideas about something, i must speak them since for me they are really important and people should know them, since from my understanding i have learned a truth, when two completelly different truth collide there is conflict, one truth must not the the real truth, one must accept its mistake after real consideration of the other persons point of view, but we are right! we dont need to do that!, right?. (great book that one of Dale Carnegie, i am reading it, recommended).

Good luck.

[SweetMelissa]

aww, thanks to all you great people for your words of wisdom.

I wanted to add that these family members who I am speaking of would describe themselves as closed-minded and bigoted and actually be proud.

[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

I wanted to add that these family members who I am speaking of would describe themselves as closed-minded and bigoted and actually be proud.

Haha... They sound like nice/interesting people.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by SweetMelissa

I wanted to add that these family members who I am speaking of would describe themselves as closed-minded and bigoted and actually be proud.

I've seen people like that... they confuse closed-mindedness with strength of character... the type of person who brighten a room when they leave...

Simply remember that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence... and good luck to you...
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