Crazy Relationship Thoughts

[carenkh]

Where does this come from? I am going slightly crazy... I had tea with a friend the other afternoon. This is a guy that I worked for briefly a couple of years ago. We've stayed in sporadic contact through e-mail, and he was in town so we met. This is the first time I've seen him since I worked for him, and the first time we ever met socially. We talked a lot when we worked together, I would hang out and chat while he was finishing up his day.

This is not someone I would want to have a serious relationship with, I saw aspects of his personality when we worked together that were red flags for that kinda thing, and I've learned to respect those. OK - *I* know that, but there must be a part of me that doesn't! Because I'm in my head SO much right now. Examples of the thoughts on spin cycle: "He didn't call or e-mail after we got together - what does that mean? Should I call him? If I e-mail him, will he think I'm chasing him?" Before our get-together, if I wanted to e-mail him, I would.

It's like - there's this part of me that wants to know that he likes me, that needs that confirmation - even though I don't want to be with this man! I talked with a friend earlier and she said, "Yeah - that's your insecurities!" which makes sense.

It has been a while (almost 3 years) since I've dated, or wanted to - the last experience I had was *devastating* for me - at 38, I had my heart broken for the first time, really used, then discarded by this guy. Before that, when it was time for the relationship to end, it was time, and I could learn from it, let it go and move on. This last time, even though I was not being fed *at all* in the relationship, I kept wanting it to work out. I don't think I've been gun-shy because of that - I just haven't been interested in dating. I'm separated, not divorced yet, from my husband, and I want to be divorced before I put myself out there again. Plus, I'm really picky. I haven't met a man or woman I was interested in.

So, why am I going crazy thinking about this "date" I had? Why is it different from just sending e-mails? Why do I want him to like me so bad? If I put out that vibe - please like me, please like me - I know that's a turnoff, *plus* I'd be sending the message that I was interested in more than friendship. Which I'm not. And again, I say that, but there's like this person inside of me that wants him to call, wants to get together and flirt, wants him to want me. (Cheap Trick, anyone?)

OK - I think I just needed to get this down in writing. Already, my mind is feeling more clear. Any thoughts you have appreciated.

[carenkh]

Since he hasn't called or e-mailed yet, I'm really, really wanting to do something to get a reaction from him! Send an e-mail, an e-card... something. Why? Why now? When, before we met, I was *fine* with not hearing from him? I'm checking e-mail, disappointed that he hasn't written... this isn't like me! Normally, I mean. I guess it *is* like me, since I'm doing it! lol

Feeling a little vulnerable. Or a lot vulnerable. I haven't sat zazen with it... that would help. Can anyone relate? I don't want a romantic relationship with this person, but I still want him to want me. I want to know he's thinking about me.

[Christian223]

I don't want a romantic relationship with this person, but I still want him to want me. I want to know he's thinking about me.

I would say, think really hard on making a decition, why you dont want to have a romantinc relationship with him?, do you fear getting hurt by him?, do you fear something?, why do you want him to want you?, you have insecurities about beeing attractive to men?, what about doing some EFT?, it might really help: EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Christian223

you have insecurities about beeing attractive to men?

To say the least! When I think about being vulnerable with someone, I think of all the reasons they'd reject me. I'm SO healthy when I'm alone! I know people are mirrors, so these things are things I haven't accepted in myself. And this is very different for me! Before my marriage, I was confident, felt like, yeah, I have some issues - who doesn't? But now I sure do doubt my attractiveness.

Thanks for the reminder about EFT. I have the Gary Craig DVDs! When I get in this space, I forget I even *have* tools to use!

[NotesMaeve]

Be brave. Get hurt. Take a risk. That's what life is about.

The thing of it is, it might REALLY be wonderful, but if it is painful, I promise you, in a month or two you realize how insignificant a person who seemed to be the beginning and end of your own world really is. If you don't do it? Huge regrets.

I realized a short time ago on asking advice about this kinds of issues that most people are dispassionate and take analytical views about romantic risk and suffering. Guess what? The perfect person rarely comes in a perfect package and you have to take a risk to see if it's right. When you know something is right, you don't mind the risk of a fall.

[carenkh]

Oh, no - like I said - too many red flags for that! Things like, when confronted with a mistake, he'd make an excuse and try to blame someone else rather than own up to it. I don't need that intimately in my life! It's not about not being willing to take a risk... when I *know* this person's values are very different from mine. I know better. It's just interesting, and frustrating, to see where my mind goes with things.

[absvan]

Hey Carenkh,

You are going crazy about this date because its the first one in three years time (If I did read your post right while skimming). Deep down I think you would want to date and so your mind is overreacting at the first instance. Your mind wants a relataionship and its just excited at the first instance in a long time.....I beleive this because you have mentioned that you arent attracted to this guy. I have had the same experience before.

Its just the very nature of the mind.......and I think you have figured that by now.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by carenkh

Oh, no - like I said - too many red flags for that! Things like, when confronted with a mistake, he'd make an excuse and try to blame someone else rather than own up to it. I don't need that intimately in my life! It's not about not being willing to take a risk... when I *know* this person's values are very different from mine. I know better. It's just interesting, and frustrating, to see where my mind goes with things.

So is it just sexual attraction?

What's he fulfill for you?

[Boreas]

I am very much in a similar situation and I am obsessing over someone I know for certain I don't want to date. It is very strange. Most of the time I try to live in the moment and forget my ego, then everything disolves and becomes clear.

No obsession is rational really.

[MmeIntentional]

I think there must be something in the air!

Try this http://silviahartmann.com/eft-relati...oxy%20Protocol

If it working for anyone, I want hear your feed back. I've tried this a couple of days as go. feel better in myself but can't say if it was the EFT of not. BUt I know theis is sometime what it feel like after. (it works but you can't say it it was EFT 100%)

Once I used it for something and I notice with in the hour I was high as a kite buzzing on fresh air

I know I need to do more of it but I'm talking a break from this madness

[Dharma]

[i talk in the first person a lot]

So, when I connect with a man at a distance, I'm in my comfort zone. When I bring him close up and personal I activate all my issues. My reaction to my issues is to crank up my mind and run a lot of mental chatter. This keeps me away from what I'm trying to discover about myself.

I notice that I want the reception of myself to come from him. I will not engage first because that's wrong or might bring me something I don't want. I'm so afraid of feeling rejected.

But, of course, it's not about him....

So, when i get close to a man, it reminds me that I have such non-acceptance of myself. I hate feeling this and I run with my story of fear and rejection.

I want the reception of myself to come from outside myself (from my unconscious, from that guy). If I attempt to receive myself consciously ("I love me"), I fear I will reject myself. That's my story. I really want to receive myself just as I am and be ok with me.
- - - -
You don't know what's going to happen if you start acknowledging you love yourself and accept yourself just as you are, right now. What's self-reception going to do? Well it's going to open up a lot more space for you to move in. Things that have been stagnant might start moving and life might become a bit more joyous and easy.

When you feel that uncomfortable feeling inside, just stay with it. "Yup, I feel really uncomfortable now and I'm not going to let my mind run away in a big story". And just be uncomfortable. See what's under the uncomfortable.

[alexinspire]

Hi Carenkh,

I don't really get your question! Is it that you want to be with him or you just want to feel ok he didn't write to you or you just want to feel being wanted by other man?

I would like to answer all 3 question:

1. Want to be with him.

Just tell him that you like him. And most important is accept who he is together with his values and principles. If you can't accept some values or characters that he have, then don't force yourself.

2. You want to feel ok even he don't send emails to you.

You can't actually feel ok with that. I send sms to someone I like before she didn't reply. There are no way that I feel ok. If I say so, there is just pretending. Just move on with your life and do something else.

If you want him to reply you, just send him funny jokes or meaningful story to him frequently.

3. You want to feel being wanted!

Ask yourself why you want to do that? That feeling doesn't serve you or anyone. Learn to be attractive with these free attraction tips here: http://sky4lovers.com/how-easy-you-c...ay-with-5-tips

Instead of feeling being wanted, I suggest you to choose you want to be with him or not. If not, you can don't bother whether he send you email or not.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

I think there must be something in the air!

Try this Relationships Help With EFT - Overcome love pain, commitment phobia, social phobia, heart ache, jealousy & other relationship problems with EFT by Silvia Hartmann

If it working for anyone, I want hear your feed back. I've tried this a couple of days as go. feel better in myself but can't say if it was the EFT of not. BUt I know theis is sometime what it feel like after. (it works but you can't say it it was EFT 100%)

Once I used it for something and I notice with in the hour I was high as a kite buzzing on fresh air

I know I need to do more of it but I'm talking a break from this madness

Thanks for the link, I will go through it. For the treatment page I get a 404.

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by alexinspire

I don't really get your question!

Dharma got it, right on. It wasn't *about* any of those things, alexinspire. (thanks for your thoughts, though!) It was me, noticing how my mind, which is normally fairly serene and accepting, went *crazy* with one cup of chai with a friend. After sitting with it yesterday, sitting so I could *be* with the feelings, rather than be tossed about by them, I saw what all the mind-chatter was about.

I knew it had something to do with that need to be accepted by someone outside of me - that was the engine that drove the trainwreck of that painful relationship - but as long as I could be distracted (checking e-mails, wondering 'What is he thinking?', etc.) I didn't have to look at any of that. *Feel* any of that.

Dharma, when you said "it will give you more space to move in", I was reminded of a recent experience. I offered intuitive readings on the list, just as an experiment to see if I could connect, what my strengths might be, etc. Except for one person, I was able to connect and "get" things, and I heard from folks that it was a valuable experience. I was rolling right along with things, until the last e-mail I read. I wasn't *sure* I was connecting, but sent my thoughts and feelings, anyway. When I got the e-mail back, confirming everything I saw in a BIG way, I literally felt my brain shift. There was some cognitive dissonance, and I felt like I had been struck by lightning. I didn't realize, until I got that e-mail back, that I was waiting... "THIS will be the e-mail that says I can't do this. THIS will be where I'm exposed as a fraud." Waiting for... rejection. Because, of course, one e-mail negating my ability would totally trump the 10 positive experiences! Instead, I got confirmation and support. Okay, wow.

So, of course, now I'm *grateful* he didn't e-mail or call... nothing like bringing feelings to the surface!

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Dharma

When you feel that uncomfortable feeling inside, just stay with it. "Yup, I feel really uncomfortable now and I'm not going to let my mind run away in a big story". And just be uncomfortable. See what's under the uncomfortable.

I agree with carenhk in that this was great advice. It took me like 3 days to grasp it, but then I realized that it was fear of not being my best, my very best, that was causing me to obsess. If I did have contact with the person, I wouldn't be natural, I would try to be all impressive, and try to be the perfect person. After that, I would analyze every moment. That was the cause of my anxiety. I realize now that this is a self acceptance issue. People had told me that before, but it took the observation of my thoughts for it to really hit home.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Boreas

Thanks for the link, I will go through it. For the treatment page I get a 404.

Hiya

Sorry for the delay. Give this one a try

Relationships Help With EFT - Overcome love pain, commitment phobia, social phobia, heart ache, jealousy & other relationship problems with EFT by Silvia Hartmann

Or this

Relationships Help With EFT - Overcome love pain, commitment phobia, social phobia, heart ache, jealousy & other relationship problems with EFT by Silvia Hartmann

[Boreas]

Thanks for the new updates, this is the link I cannot access:

http://silviahartmann.com/relationships/RelProtocol.htm

[alexinspire]

I was thinking "Did Dharma went for the Landmark Forum?" The reply you write looks very close to what I've learn from there. about: Being 100% responsible whatever happen, see what is inside that cause outside results and self-acceptance.

But what a great reply you have done. It's true. I have that experience very often.

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Boreas

Thanks for the new updates, this is the link I cannot access:

http://silviahartmann.com/relationships/RelProtocol.htm

Hiya,

I really don't know about the link that problem link However you can still find everythitng you need on that site to do with relationships etc. There is also a site map if that's any help.

Just try any of the Proxy Protocol/ Surrogate EFT Tapping to start with.

In the meantime I hope your all feeling better

I would agree with NotesMaeve comment. It's only now that I'm ready to take a risk with relationships and I know that the perfect person rarely comes in a perfect package. Just as long as I'm attracted to them in some way and we love one another I'm always open to compromise.

But saying all that last yeart I fell for someone that I really didn't want t be with an had no intention of getting in to anything but we just bonded. The situation came out the be a bit of a night mare as he started stalking me ...anyways that's another story.

hugs

[XeutonMojukai]

carenkh,

I think you need to put yourself out there until you find a man who wants to actively help you expand your comfort zone.

I say that for a few reasons:

1) I am one of those men and I need good advertising in general :P
2) Those men are impossible to tell apart from the rest except by trial and error
3) Once found, they help you because they want you to be perfect, and in the best-case-scenario: because they believe in your potential to be perfect.

Just remember: as unlikely as it seems that you'll find such a supportive man, you already have found at least one (me), and thus it shouldn't take much longer to find another if you keep putting yourself waaaay out there.

Before you think it's too scary, just think about this:

You're a fisherman on the water, and there's a school of fish, as well as a few of the special ones you're looking for.

If you use a small hand-net and look one-at-a-time, you'll have a hopeless experience, especially if the good ones are down in the depths, and not on the surface.

However, if you use a huge net, you won't need to take every single fish.

Just take the good ones and dump the rest to be found by others. maybe some of them have another fish beside them... leave those as well... no need to break up what's already working.

But when you find one of them alone, be sure to look into it.

There may be sharks, but you're protected by your boat, and once you find the right fish you can take it ashore.

If your net is large enough, it might only take one swipe to find the One fish that works for you.

~ David

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by alexinspire

I was thinking "Did Dharma went for the Landmark Forum?" The reply you write looks very close to what I've learn from there. about: Being 100% responsible whatever happen, see what is inside that cause outside results and self-acceptance.

But what a great reply you have done. It's true. I have that experience very often.

Thanks. I haven't heard of the Landmark Forum, but I assume this is what you're talking about: The Landmark Forum I'll check out the site.

I've been going to school here for years: The Vywamus Foundation
Basically, we are all creators and you are the creator of all your experience. My school is the only one I've seen that actively works with our choice to layer denial over our experience. When people say LOA or the Secret doesn't work, I say of course it doesn't, you don't realize you're creating denial and then pretending your not. That's the missing ingredient and oh so important.