Using Your Friends

[juicemcnewton]

Hey hey, just gonna throw something out real quick to see if anybody else thinks this way or if it's just me. I brought this up to a few of my friends and I kinda got the 'i never thought about that/are you nuts' look so...

Does anybody have any friends for reasons that aren't selfish? I mean selfish as in something that will benefit you or give you the required satisfaction to go on about your business.

A few examples are probably in order so we'll say you have friends on this forum, so you use these friends to get advice, information and support.
On the other hand, you feel better when you give people advice, information or support so you post in order to get that feeling.

Or even if you jump in front of a bullet for someone, is it because seeing the other person get shot would be more painful to you than getting shot yourself (this is probably going on in your head BEFORE the bullet hits.)
Naturally there are plenty of instances in the above example where you just do things without thinking about them, but I'm just trying to take things to the extreme.

I mean just generally using friends for contacts, money, skills, emotions, amusement, companionship. If all of these things are really just for your own personal experience..? I don't know if this makes any sense written down, but that's the best I can do. Anybody else think like this, or is there something I'm missing here? Or is it just simply obvious to people outside of my close-knit circle of comrades that anytime somebody interacts with you, you're being used? Any really good alternate views on things are always interesting.

And if somehow this comes into SR (as I've seen a few things come to), be gentle, I don't need my mind blown more than it already is.

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by juicemcnewton

Does anybody have any friends for reasons that aren't selfish? I mean selfish as in something that will benefit you or give you the required satisfaction to go on about your business.

I don't have any friends .

I've observed what you are talking about. I sometimes drown in my own solitude, because I don't have any friends (the rest of the time, I'm content to be with myself). There are numerous reasons, but one of them is because it seems no one is interested to befriend me unless they have some personal agenda. The result of that is that no girl has the slightest interest in befriending me, but I get men...and I have no interest in their personal agendas, so I don't allow the alleged friendship, or anything else.

Living in solitude like this, I ask strangers for help when I need it. The most gracious help comes from passing strangers who don't end up getting to know you.

Can you really classify people who you respond to and ask for help on a forum as friends? The situation would have to be exceptional if I were to call a person on the Internet my friend. There is really no closeness at all through this machine.

[juicemcnewton]

Hey bitsy thanks for the reply.

The main reason I used forum members as a friends example is because of exactly what you said. Maybe you don't have many friends in 'real life.' This online forum is the only relationship structure I know anybody that responds to this thread will be a part of. Basically I know you can relate to being part of a forum, even if you couldn't relate to many relationships in 'real life.'

I know you said you had observed this in 'real life' so I'm not saying you guys are some sort of freaks wallowing in your own solitude glued to the comp or anything.

But it seemed like a good starting point

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by juicemcnewton

Hey bitsy thanks for the reply.

The main reason I used forum members as a friends example is because of exactly what you said. Maybe you don't have many friends in 'real life.' This online forum is the only relationship structure I know anybody that responds to this thread will be a part of. Basically I know you can relate to being part of a forum, even if you couldn't relate to many relationships in 'real life.'

I know you said you had observed this in 'real life' so I'm not saying you guys are some sort of freaks wallowing in your own solitude glued to the comp or anything.

But it seemed like a good starting point

I think you might have misunderstood my meaning. I wasn't being sarcastic in anything I wrote. I don't have any friends and to a large extent for the reason you mentioned. The paragraph about the forum was just an afterthought, not intended to express that you were making some kind of suggestion about me/anyone being stuck behind a computer in solitude etc., but meaning that there is not enough closeness via the Internet to establish a friendship. (Case-in-point: lots of misunderstandings happen via this form of communication! )

[alexinspire]

Yes my friend. You know what?

Human are totally selfish when we are unconscious. I'm one of them too. Everyone make friends to their own benefits. Top from getting benefits, down to feel good because no need to feel alone.

But don't feel bad about it!

When you start to notice you always make use of friends, you can start to do something great for them.

This is you before you know that you are making use of them:

You don't know you are making use of your friend and you are confused that why people need friends!

This is when you know you are selfish:

You are at the same time because you no need to get confused and feel happier instead of always trying to pretend you should always give them good things and make them happy. You are Free!

Now this is you:

You can accept you make use of friends without pretending and choose to contribute or make a difference to them or not.

You can free yourself for pretending as a "must-do-friend-job" and make it a free choice you choose!

Wish you be with your friends freely and enjoy the friendship!

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by juicemcnewton

Hey hey, just gonna throw something out real quick to see if anybody else thinks this way or if it's just me. I brought this up to a few of my friends and I kinda got the 'i never thought about that/are you nuts' look so...

Does anybody have any friends for reasons that aren't selfish? I mean selfish as in something that will benefit you or give you the required satisfaction to go on about your business.

The desire to connect is inherently selfish. Why we stay in a friendship and help someone tends to not be. Take my friend, D. Bright, beautiful girl who is so witty and fun and cool. I mean, who doesn't want to hang out with a hipster?

But I don't sit through 3 AM phone calls because she'd cease to be my friend otherwise. I don't hold her hand through AA meetings because it's necessary. I do it because I love her and want her to be well.

I mean just generally using friends for contacts, money, skills, emotions, amusement, companionship. If all of these things are really just for your own personal experience..? I don't know if this makes any sense written down, but that's the best I can do. Anybody else think like this, or is there something I'm missing here? Or is it just simply obvious to people outside of my close-knit circle of comrades that anytime somebody interacts with you, you're being used? Any really good alternate views on things are always interesting.

And if somehow this comes into SR (as I've seen a few things come to), be gentle, I don't need my mind blown more than it already is.

Human connection is not parasitic. It is not about "use." The real connection of human beings transcends any mammalian need to survive or feel pleasure. Just does. Having a significant spiritual bond can't be forced.

[juicemcnewton]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Human connection is not parasitic. It is not about "use." The real connection of human beings transcends any mammalian need to survive or feel pleasure. Just does. Having a significant spiritual bond can't be forced.

So what is it you get out of that significant spiritual bond? Is it merely to pass the time? There must be something more right, some type of benefit to a relationship. Otherwise, what would be the point? And I don't know about human connections not being parasitic, we've all seen our share of parasitic relationships I'd wager.

Alex:
I pretty much agree, i think friends use each other whether it's obvious or not, there's no reason to feel bad about it. Even if one friend realizes it and the other doesn't.

Bitsy:
I didn't think you were being sarcastic, I thought you really wanted to know why I put in 'forums.' I didn't realize it was a thought in passing.

lol oh yeah and the glued to the comp thing was to try to clarify things for the next posters, no offense intended

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by juicemcnewton

So what is it you get out of that significant spiritual bond? Is it merely to pass the time? There must be something more right, some type of benefit to a relationship. Otherwise, what would be the point? And I don't know about human connections not being parasitic, we've all seen our share of parasitic relationships I'd wager.

It's not really that easy to explain how I feel when I see my friends growing and changing as people in positive ways. It just feels very sweet and right.

Oh yeah, had the parasitic relations too.

[Brutha]

A parasitic relationship is one where only one party profits.
A relationship where both parties profit is called symbotic.

Healty friendships benifit both persons but that doesn't mean that the people in question are deciding to be a friend of someone for that reason.

Take the example of someone jumping in a bullet. It's behavior that isn't rationalised at all because rationalized decisions take time (more than the halve second you have to decide to jump into the bullet). Their is nothing going on in your conscious mind before the bullet hits.

You might rationalize later and tell yourself a story about what happened before you jumped into the bullet, but it isn't "true".

The key is not expecting any thing particular for everything you do in a friedship. When you try to keep score the relationship isn't healty.

[juicemcnewton]

Word Brutha.

[MmeIntentional]

I never use my friends. However saying that I only have one friend now because of choice. The past friends that I had for ove 15 yrs turned out not to be who I thought they were.

It's better to have 5 good friends that 100 cr@p ones. In the past I noticed that some of my friends only saw me for what I can do for them etc. but was never there when I need their help/support.

Yes it's good to have friend to help you out, get things for you etc. but I always showed my gratitude by returning a favour or whatever.

I don't let people use me any more for or think that I can be helpful to them if they only see me as that. I learnt a big fat lesson with friendships and my motto is : You don't know who your real friend is until you need help.

I am meeting more people of late and I think none or two can be my friend.

I have also always had a mixed bag of friends that some folk may call weird but we always had a spiritual bond of some sort. I can't have friends just to kill time as I'm sure they would find me a bit to quirky and me find them boring.