Confusion, insecurity, and romantic love

[DaleCall]

I'm having some relationship issues. More precisely, I'm having some issues with the way I am in a relationship. This is a two-part question :

I'm 26 and have been single for a long time. Whether by choice or not is debatable - on one hand, some girls were definitely interested in me but I always found very hard to meet women that interested me; on the other hand, I've recently cured myself of social anxiety so I don't meet that many women either.

Anyway, two months ago I met this girl through a common friend. I liked her, and amazingly enough, she liked me back. We've been "dating" since our second date (a month and a half ago) and things progressed quickly - I met her family, she met mine, we spend a lot of time together (4 or 5 hours almost every day), and we never had any significant problems.

In spanish we have different words for the "I love you" you may say to an especially dear friend or to your parents ("te quiero") and an "I love you" you only say to your girlfriend/wife/whatever ("te amo"). We say the first one to each other (it's also quite common in the early stages of a relationship) and I know she means it. I have a lot of "proof" that she does, but the problem is sometimes I don't feel it.

I feel it when we cuddle, I feel it when we kiss each other, I feel it when she rests in my arms and we watch a movie. But when as soon as the physical closeness ends, I start having doubts. "Am I boring? Does she like me?" - I guess I've eliminated most of my social phobia but I'm suffering the last pieces of it. I once told her I felt she was distant sometimes, to which she replied we can't cuddle all the time - and I know she's right, for some reason I have an extreme need of being kissed and hugged, and kiss and hug her all the time.

I'm quite sure I'm the wrong one here and I think I know why - my insecurities and social phobia remnants make me interpret every little ambiguity as a clear sign that she doesn't like me. Besides I consider her a very high value girl - smart, fun, beautiful, successful (objectively I'm probably higher value, but I don't feel that way), I feel fortunate to be with her, and maybe I also fear losing her.

I don't want to be this way, for several reasons. First, I'm not enjoying this fantastic relationship as I should if I wasn't so insecure. Second, behaving like an idiot afraid of losing her may get me closer to losing her. So any advice?

---

The second part of the question is more generic. I love her (first kind of "love") but I'm not in love with her (second kind). We've been together for a month and a half so my first reaction is to think "it's too soon" - but does that have anything to do with it? Are you supposed to "love" a person immediately, or do you eventually develop this kind of love? Is romantic love just a fantasy?

I realize she's not perfect. That's an extremely obvious thing to say, but for some reason it kind of disappoints me - I'm afraid I do believe there's a perfect woman somewhere. I can't live like that - I have to accept people have their defects. The question is, where do you draw the line between "she's not perfect but's she's great enough" and "this isn't working"? How much imperfection do you tolerate?

---

I know all of this may be a consequence of me thinking too much about feelings. I do tend to think too much about practically everything - I'm just too rational and trying to overcome that.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice about any of my questions would be extremely welcome...

[Life Warrior]

Hey DaleCall,

I emphasize with your situation. You want to know if she is right for you and if something meaningful is coming out of your relationship together. But you have to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect lover, and love is something that develops from two people sharing their imperfections together.

Yes, there is such a thing as a romantic love, and yes you will feel it stronger than anything you've ever felt if your relationship reaches that point. But there is also real love, the lasting love which comes after romantic love - the love which comes after much pain and suffering as you both work through your positive and negative sides together, but which is ultimately worth all the suffering in the end.

I think you have to give your relationship time to develop. Try to see your girlfriend for what she is, and not whether she fits your perfect lover's stereotype or not, because chances are that she does not in many ways. But the point is for both of you to be receptive to each other and not let unreal expectations and preconceptions get in the way. Try to leave all your expectations behind when you are with her, and think of each moment with her as a chance to create something unique and special together. Listen to your heart, and try to find ways for both of you to express yourselves in the most sincere way when you are together.

And like all things in life, don't take it all too seriously and always keep your sense of humor. Good luck!

Edit:

I've read your post again, and I see that you are more afraid of loosing her because you may not be good enough for her than the other way around. Yes, you both aren't perfect, and your fear of not being good enough and lack of belief in your positive qualities can undermine your relationship.

Ask yourself what positive things you can bring to this relationship and share with her. What is unique about you that you can give her that no other person would be able to provide? Never try to be someone you are not, and believe in yourself and your positive side. If you look for the negative qualities in both of you, you will find them; but the same goes for your positive sides. In the end, it is the mutual interaction and being completely honest and open with each other that matters and what leads to love.

[Peter S C]

Hey,

Re the first part: you say you know she means it when she says she loves you and you also say that you have a lot of "proof" of this. As you seem to identify, the problem seems to be with you. I suggest finding ways to build your self-confidence, eg get fit (if you aren't already). Appreciate the good things you have to offer. Love yourself and love your life.

Re the second part: personally I have found that my love for my partner has grown over time. It was probably at about the 3 month mark when we first said 'I love you' to eachother... but I have probably never loved my partner more than when she was carrying, and eventually gave birth to, our son (2.5 years after we started dating).

It is pretty early days in your relationship.... chill out and enjoy the ride.

ps I have (for the most part) overcome many social phobias... so it is possible! Good luck.

[bluskygirl]

Great detail in your post. I love how you have two different ways to say I Love You. I wish we had that in English!

My advice would be to just let it go... not the relationship- the worry! It is early, and as you haven't gotten to the second "I love you" yet, there's no reason to jump the gun and ponder whether or not it's for real. If the relationship and the girl make you happy now, then be happy now and worry about the rest as it comes.

The fact that you start to question her feelings for you when the physical closeness ends would suggest that it is something inside of you; i.e. you lack confidence in your ability to be loved unless someone is expressing it to you directly. I agree with Peter; you have to find a way to be confident in your lovability (and in case there's any question in your mind about that, we are all lovable!) and secure in who you are. Remember if she thought the things you were thinking to yourself (the doubts about whether your boring) she wouldn't be spend several hours a day with you!

Best of luck in your new found relationship and remember- just enjoy it in the moment.

[Andrew Brunelle]

If you find the perfect woman, you will spend too much time searching for imperfections. If you find the imperfect woman, you will wonder why she is not perfect. Part of your problem is self-acceptance. If you accept yourself the way you are, girlfriend or not, whether or not she finds you boring or if you don't feel good enough for her does not matter. You enjoy the relationship while you are in it and if it ends, it ends. If it does not end and you get married, be sure you accept her for who she is and also accept yourelf for who you are. Just do not get too attached to external circumstances because they are all temporary. Be grateful for what you have and be okay that it may or may not last forever.

I just hope you find the answers you are looking for on these forums. Best of luck to you.

[Red Willow]

I'm wondering if you have ever felt that you were "in love" with someone before.

I'll tell the story of one of my best friends. He met this girl and they just really got along, the relationship progressed really naturally and effortlessly on both parts, they both just wanted to hang out with each other all the time.

But my friend confessed to me that he didn't feel "in love" with her. Whatever that means. He wasn't "in love" with her the way he was in love with someone from his past--the kind of love where you want to sing opera and throw yourself under a moving train and write wretched poetry, etc... I noticed that many of my friends around our age (25 ish) were having the same dilemma. I love him/her, but I don't feel "in love."

I feel like it's because when you're younger, high school and college age, everything is so much more intense (Johnny from Algebra is my soulmate!!!! ) And then you go through that a couple times and you start noticing it just doesn't really happen just like that anymore.

I also think that we've seen so many images of what "good" or "ideal" relationships are like--in movies, tv shows, etc...--that we have lost the ability to have free, unrehearsed organic relationships. E.g. because my relationship doesn't look like something starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, it must be flawed.

I feel like so many people are making themselves so unhappy by pursuing this myth of perfect soulmate love. What you need to be looking for is a person who makes you feel good about your life, a person who can help you create real value.

Anyway, my friend and his girlfriend got married after several years of dating and couldn't be happier.

[alexinspire]

I got your concerns. This is my advice:

1. You are concern about whether she loves you or not. It's because she is too good to love you this much is it?
The solution: Don't worry about it! the more you worry, the more you will reject her love. Just accept her love and appreciate it! That's all you just need to do.

2. You are concern about the relationship is going too fast. Maybe in your past relationship haven't been that fast and you feel insecure.
There are people who know each other for months and married. They had a great life. It is just out of your imaginations, not impossible and anything to worry about.

3. You afraid that she will leave you?
The solution: Don't worry this. Remember this! The more you worry, the easier you will lose the relationship. It's because when you worry, your body and your face is all written worry. People don't like to be with worrying people and will resist automatically!

Don't worry anything. Relax and enjoy the relationship. Just create and commit to her that you always want to be with her whatever happens. If you still worry, I have nothing to say anymore!

So, cheers

My worries lose my previous relationship before. I don't want you and others to be a victim too.

[DaleCall]

Thank you so much for your replies. Red Willow, your post was particularly insightful

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

I noticed that many of my friends around our age (25 ish) were having the same dilemma. I love him/her, but I don't feel "in love."

I feel like it's because when you're younger, high school and college age, everything is so much more intense (Johnny from Algebra is my soulmate!!!! ) And then you go through that a couple times and you start noticing it just doesn't really happen just like that anymore.

I also think that we've seen so many images of what "good" or "ideal" relationships are like--in movies, tv shows, etc...--that we have lost the ability to have free, unrehearsed organic relationships. E.g. because my relationship doesn't look like something starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, it must be flawed.

I feel like so many people are making themselves so unhappy by pursuing this myth of perfect soulmate love. What you need to be looking for is a person who makes you feel good about your life, a person who can help you create real value.

I'm 25 and couldn't agree with this more! Thanks for writing it.

[Christian223]

I have been thinking, isnt it that experience hurts us so much that we un-consiously become dead inside?, a very strong way to put it, but, i think that our minds create stupid ways of protecting us, becuase our minds are really stupid if we actually arent in total control of it, for example, i got a girlfriend, i loved her so much, i writted poetry for her, i made her laugh, i took her to the movied she liked, etc etc, but suddenly another guy cames along and leaves with her!, all women are the same!, i hate women!, so, from that moment on i have this detached way of relating with women with also a little bit of hidden hate for them...

The same happens with love in general, we dont want to fall in love again and just be completely free to love because our mind wants to protect us from beign des-ilutioned, from beign heart broken again, from wasting our time, effort, and effection.

Of course when we are children and dont know a bit about how the world works, we commit many mistakes, we dont know what is good for us, but in this process, we actually dont learn to live a great life, we just learn to stay away from trouble, so our minds are constantly telling us "dont do this, be carefull, dont be enthusiastic, youll just be dissapointed like the other many times, dont give yourself to this person, youll just get hurt"... all bad, we should learn to be as happier as we can, and get rid of limiting beliefs.

PS: I have seen a couples who are resigned to be with eachother, and i have also seen people who seem to be born to fit eachother... resignation sucks...

Edit:
I forgot to mention, you should try to use eft to get rid of your limiting beliefs: EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else is the oficial site, Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique has some great video to get started quick.

Love is a feeling, romance is an action or attitude, so romantic love is also an attitude, not a thing, not a person, i mean, you should learn to be romantic, its a skill.

My father and mother are both hurt low self esteem people, but they are soul mates... they seem to fit eachother perfectly, but none of them are perfect, they have so many defects, bad habits, un resolved issues, but i love them... they didnt do much to grow and get rid of their personality issues, but i am doing it, this doesnt mean i think ill achieve perfection, perfection is not a goal, i think its a path, so, for me the perfect girl would be someone who also wants to grow as a person, just like me, but we would both be eternally imperfect, with defects and bad habits, the thing is, the important thing, that you must accept yourself with your imperfections to be able to accepts the imperfections of others, you must really love yourself in order to really love others, i once read that we project our insecurities on others, if you see a person who is stupid, it means that you actually think that you are not smart enough, or also stupid, i think Steve pavlina says that in his blog, you should try to find it.

Love is not about beign aproved by others, you may seek her to love you to feel aproved, you may seek her love to feel important, you may seek her love too much... is your love un-selfish?.

I also wonder, do i really know what is good for me?, can i choose a girl having in mind her characteristic and know if she is good enough for me?... is that possible?, there are things that i wont accept in a girl... but do i really know what is the best for me?... i dont think so...