I'm so lost ... Please help me make a change!

[Allislove123]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year. I'm in my mid-twenties and he's in his early 30s. He used to be crazy about me. After 5 or 6 months he told me that he loves me (he doesn't say it much though). He has been there for me through so much.

He doesn't want to move forward in the relationship though because he thinks I need to be more confident in myself. He says that he can't be the only thing in my life that makes me happy (which is true - he is the only thing that makes me happy).

I have read so many books about how to be happy and about how to have a good relationship. I try. I find myself feeling though like I'll never be good enough for him. I feel like his reason not to move forward might be just an excuse, and he'll never really love me or want to be with me.

He's extremely independent and I find myself always wanting more from him. I don't know if I should just pretend to be happy all the time and get busy (with the hopes that he does really love me and is really just waiting for me to be more confident) or if I should move on because he's not accepting me the way I am.

We recently said that we are both just plodding along hoping that things get better. I told him that I don't feel like he's crazy about me or in love with me and he didn't deny it. I feel so sad. He is so wonderful and I don't want to lose him but this is so hard and I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Please help. I worry that this is going to drive me crazy.

[NotesMaeve]

Sounds like he's not the one for you, girl.

You need to be happy with yourself, babe. It's cliche, but true. What can he give you that you can't give yourself?

Make a list of a reason to stay and a reason to leave. I just sort of fell into a relationship with a very special man, and can provide an example list:

Why I Stay with My Sweetie:

1) He provides great, unbiased advice about what he thinks would be best for my life.
2) He looks out for me when he has no obligation to.
3) He is incredibly brave about his personal pain.
4) He is great with animals.
5) He has a phenomenol bod. I mean, wow. Wow.
6) He is so emotionally honest and intelligent.
7) He is outstanding in bed.

Reasons to Leave:

1) He does have an illness that will continue to challenge my personal weaknesses.
2) He can be indecisive and scared sometimes.
3) He can be lazy to his detrement.
4) He's frightened of being in love again.

But when I look it over, you see why I stay.

Also, as Erin suggested in her blog, make a list of what's important in a lover. My top four:

1) Urbane and smart with original sense of humor and unique intelligence. Good test takers are a dime a dozen. Brilliant musicians? Someone who gets Eco? *Faints.*
2) Kind, especially to animals and kids. Baby talk to kitty cats from grown man? I will swoon.
3) Handsome as all get out. I like my partners in good shape. Cyclists and runners and swimmers are delicious. Must have nice face and be clean shaven and have great hair. By great, I mean touchable, sexy stuff I can play with. The Boy's losing his a little, but OMG I love having my hands in there! Such a dirty blonde!
4) Open-minded in all matters. Willing to look at new perspectives and wants to learn more. The Boy impressed me sooo much there. He's still growing as a person as he's approaching 40. That is hot.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Allislove123

He doesn't want to move forward in the relationship though because he thinks I need to be more confident in myself. He says that he can't be the only thing in my life that makes me happy (which is true - he is the only thing that makes me happy).

Your boyfriend is absolutely right on this. You cannot depend on him for validation and happiness. You must work on finding it within yourself before you can expect to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone else. To do so start working on developing a a healthy self-concept If you are confident and comfortable with who you are you won't need someone to be the only thing that makes you happy. You have to take responsibility for making yourself happy. This in turn will enhance any relationship that you have.

[Angela]

I agree with Zhereford. It sounds like, although you probably don't realize it consciously, you have been depending on this guy (and probably every other romantic relationship) to provide certain things for you -- happiness, love, security, romance, support, etc. Unfortunately, being depended upon for these things feels really constricting, because each person must generate them for herself. That is too much of a burden, and it feels awful. Once both people in the relationship are bountifully generating, only then can they have a real partnership in which they can take turns filling in the occasional value gaps in one another's lives.

So your job, whether you stay in this relationship or not, is to start bountifully generating the values that you are missing, and sharing that value with everybody you come across (not just the guy)!

What would make a difference for you if it were present? Self-confidence? Go to Toastmasters. Security? Take an improv class. Support? Weight-training! There are infinite ways to help you generate what you want.

I really recommend the Landmark Forum, too. I think you'd love it.

Best wishes,
Angela