Having children?

[songwriter]

Well, sure I'm going a little too ahead... because I've never had a girlfriend. But anyway, sometimes I've thought of the use of having children.
Many people like to have children to guide them, may I say design them, protect them, lead them to a certain life like if you were a boss or so.

I, as a person, don't feel I should have the right to do that. To have such an influence in a person.
Probably if I get married I would change my mind, I know...
And most of the people with children say that being fathers/mothers is the best thing that they ever have done.
But I don't feel I would like that responsability, I don't feel I'm worth of it.
Imagine my 4 years old child asking me: Who is God? Who is that Mr. Bush? What are those dogs making ?
But, what do I have to answer to that... my opinions?... then I'm turning the child into another me or so... I don't like that manipulating... maybe I would say... "think for yourself...".
I think I would be considered as a very bad father then. I would have to say the... things people use to say to children... that they will see in the future that are lies.

Maybe If I would marry I would change my mind... that happens all the time. But I wanted to share this with you.

PD and children.

[Kiba]

To have children? To reproduce and keep mankind going of course!

I never have children or even a girlfriend so my worldview is limited. I am not yet an adult yet....but in about a few years or so I will enter adulthood.


To me, I think having children is to have a family. Somebody to love and care for. Because you create them I guess. And perhaps embodies your wishes and dream that you will not attain in your lifetime.

I think this is the reasons people have children. I don't know really if this is the reason because I never have children myself.

[Holistic Star]

I'm planning on starting a family quite soon. I am looking forward to guiding and raising another human being. I hope I can help my children to live fully conscious, fulfilled lives.

I will tell them what i have learned about life so far in the hope that they don't have to go through the pain of the mistakes I made, fully expecting of course that they will only learn by making their own mistakes. I hope to be on hand to support them through life's challenges and to give them lots of happy experiences along the way.

I don't honestly think that I can force them to live a certain type of life if they don't want to. They may not even want to live fully conscious lives and I wouldn't be able to force that either.

I don't think by giving a child your opinions you are turning them into a mini version of yourself. You only have to speak to people to find out they don't agree with their parents on a whole host of subjects. Children are more than capable of thinking for themselves and one of your jobs as a parent is to help them develop that critical ability for themselves.

[Jill]

I don't really remember the reasons I wanted to have children, but ever since I was a child myself, my only major goal for myself when I grew up was to get married and have kids.

I did succeed in my goal, and loved every minute of it (still do). But now that my children are somewhat older 19, 18, 13 and don't need me every second of the day, I have been free to create other goals for myself, my life and my career.

I have to say that although it's still a bit soon to know for sure, so far it looks like my husband and I have done a good job raising our children as they have led great lives up to this point. I anticipate big things for all 3 of them in the future, and that my friends, makes it all worth while!

On the other hand, not everyone is cut out to be a parent, nor wants to be one even if they are cut out for it. That's okay too. Nobody should have kids just because they think it's the norm or something they have to do. It's okay to never have children if that's what you're most comfortable with.

[tomjen]

Every moment you spend with other people influence them - Steve has influenced me alot - so ofcause you will influence your children. That is not manipulative as long as you make sure they have a choice (as they grow older ofcause) as for their questions by all means anwer them. My mother did and I belive I am a much better person for that.

As for why - well you will know that when you hold a little child in your arms, or when you look at at it with its tiny tiny fingernails. I know that even though I am in much the same situation you are in. I cannot imagine who perfect the moment would be when it is my child lying there.

[Guinevere]

I also think it's really OK not to have children if you don't want to.

Part of my original plan was to adopt, but then I got pregnant and my husband and I wanted our baby (not a baby anymore, he's 4yo). He is a ray of sunshine in our home, and because of the questions you mentioned, he gives me an opportunity to reevaluate the way I view the world every day.
I (almost) always think carefully before answering any question.
For instance, we are not going to send him to any religious school, and he was not baptized despite my husband's family's pressure. We intend to show him what we perceive as good and bad aspects of the religions we know something about, and then let him choose. I love my son very much, and I think my job is to nurture and protect him, to teach him to think critically and grant him access (as far as I can) to education and information, and try to help him with the means to become what he chooses. I hope we'll get it right It is a huge responsibility to put someone on this world!

Don't let society (or anyone) pressure you to have children. Lot of people are already having them There are many ways to be happy, and many ways to contribute to the world.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by songwriter

But, what do I have to answer to that... my opinions?... then I'm turning the child into another me or so... I don't like that manipulating... maybe I would say... "think for yourself...".

Having multiple perspectives is critical: don't give them your opinion; show them how different people see things differently, including yourself, assuming you have an opinion.

Note that facts are different from opinions.

And finally: don't assume that you'll turn them into another you. Human beings are complex systems, and you might end up being completely unlike your child. It can happen. You'll certainly have an effect, but you can't control it.

[songwriter]

Hey, I like all of your opinions. They explain very well the topic.
All I know is that now I wouldn't have a child but who knows in the future?... but not neccesarily.

Hey Michael... yes, I could say to my child... "some say A, some say B, some (including myself) say C"... it's a very interesting thing.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

And finally: don't assume that you'll turn them into another you. Human beings are complex systems, and you might end up being completely unlike your child. It can happen. You'll certainly have an effect, but you can't control it.

Agree Michael. This is a danger that many parents risk running into. Many pin their hopes on their children to fulfill their unfulfilled dream etc.

On another note, I also feel that many times, children are reflections of ourselves. We may see that rebellious streak in them like we used to be when we were in our teens. So from them, we can actually be more self-conscious of our thoughts, words and actions as we are their role models!

Parents learn from their children too. So in effect, they are all growing together.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Guinevere

I also think it's really OK not to have children if you don't want to.

Don't let society (or anyone) pressure you to have children. Lot of people are already having them There are many ways to be happy, and many ways to contribute to the world.

Yeah. Shouldn't merely conform to the society's norm or pressure to do something that involves 100% commitment and attention for the next 10+ years of your life.

For me, a parent means to give onself selflessly and unconditionally to the child. Until and unless one is ready, he/she should reconsider having a kid?

[Trina]

I don't want to have children either, but for very different reasons. I am already an adult, and have been for years, and have a certain vision for my life that just doesn't include kids. The thought of having children has crossed my mind on occasion, and my husband and I even tried to get pregnant for a few years with no luck. That has now passed and I am very content with our lives together. I know that we would be good parents, and the thought of having children doesn't scare me (if we did end up pregnant it would be a happy thing) but having children just isn't a priority for us. It sounds so selfish, and I guess it is, but neither of us feel the need to have children to complete our lives. We are content with it being just the two of us and can picture living the rest of our lives without kids and still fulfilling. Don't get me wrong, we haven't ruled children our completely, but right now it's just not something we want or are planning for the future.

Maybe, in the future, when we are better suited to take care of a child (right now my husband is still in school with less than a year to go, not ideal circumstances for having children) we will re-evaluate. I would feel like we were doing any children a huge disservice bringing them into the world in our tiny apartment with no money and so many other stressors in our lives right now. I want to bring a child into the world after Adam already has his degree and we have a place carved out already just for them, not in a situation where we have to make room and struggle to give them what they need. I know that you can never be 100% prepared for a new baby, but I know we could be a LOT more prepared than we are.

Also, I have been watching my nieces and nephews almost full time for a few years now. I went from having no children to essentially having three partly grown ones overnight. I have been doing everything for them... from cooking and cleaning, discipline, homework after school, kissing their owies, going to parent teacher conferences, doing laundry, taking care of them when they are sick... everything. They are as close to having my own children as you can get without actually having your own children. I have cherished all of my time with them, and also been very glad I could eventually give them back when they were bouncing off the walls or puking their guts out. I have gotten a taste of parenthood and while I know it is something that I would get so much joy from having my own children, I also know it is something I don't have to have to find joy. If that makes sense.

Anyway, now I am just rambling. LOL. People tell me all the time that Adam and I *need* to have kids because we would be great parents, and after 5 years of marriage I am tired of the "So when are you going to start a family?" questions (We ARE a family... lol), but I am still not sold. Haha.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Trina

Also, I have been watching my nieces and nephews almost full time for a few years now. I went from having no children to essentially having three partly grown ones overnight. I have been doing everything for them... from cooking and cleaning, discipline, homework after school, kissing their owies, going to parent teacher conferences, doing laundry, taking care of them when they are sick... everything. They are as close to having my own children as you can get without actually having your own children. I have cherished all of my time with them, and also been very glad I could eventually give them back when they were bouncing off the walls or puking their guts out. I have gotten a taste of parenthood and while I know it is something that I would get so much joy from having my own children, I also know it is something I don't have to have to find joy. If that makes sense.

Wow, seems like you got the best of both worlds! haha Isn't that wonderful?

[Trina]

Originally Posted by Dating Specialist

Wow, seems like you got the best of both worlds! haha Isn't that wonderful?

It is!!! It's so amazing to know that I have the kind of relationship with them that most aunts don't get to have. I was raised by people other than my parents so I know how valuable those other than parental relationships can be. I feel blessed to get to be that for them. When we move away from here I know I am going to miss them like crazy. I already plan to always have a place for them to stay so they can come and visit me whenever they want. Who knows, I may miss them so much that I change my mind about the whole having kids thing. Maybe I don't want them right now because it feels like I already have them, and when I don't anymore I will feel the void and decide to have my own! Then again, maybe not. LOL.

[Josip]

Originally Posted by tomjen

Every moment you spend with other people influence them - Steve has influenced me alot - so ofcause you will influence your children.

He he, yes, I started with Dale Carnegie, after that comes Stephen Covey, Napoleon Hill etc., and now Steve

We are not isolated.

[Strangemagik]

You may think they'd be another you. But how do you explain young catholic girls that end up pregnant at 16. You KNOW they were brought up with teachings of belifs and morals ABOVE that kind of stuff. YET it happens.

They amazing can be similar but SOOOO different from both parents. They really do have their own personalities. Sure you can sometimes "mold" them with certain beliefs and morals. I try to give my daughter good morals of being friendly, forgiving and politeness. Beliefs and morals both aren't that easily rubbed onto children as it may seem.


When/If you have a child you will notice around 2-3 or so that they have developed into these complex thinking machines. And believe me they have their own "ideas" about things.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Strangemagik

You may think they'd be another you. But how do you explain young catholic girls that end up pregnant at 16. You KNOW they were brought up with teachings of belifs and morals ABOVE that kind of stuff. YET it happens.

Incompetent parenting?

Incidentally, songwriter, the essay in my signature, "people structures", discusses this. It's oblique, so you'll have to forgive the unraveling as it goes... but it might, ironically, give you hope.

I have always strongly disagreed with the notion of the nuclear family. I hope, someday, that we find a better way to raise children.

[tropicality]

Let me ask you this... How similar to your parents do you actually feel you are?

I myself plan to have a child (or more, who knows) after I have accomplished my main goals in life (I give it 5 years), for I feel it would give me a great feeling of satisfaction and love to be able to bring such a powerful influence upon the world (I shall teach my child well!).

[Strangemagik]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Incompetent parenting?

Incidentally, songwriter, the essay in my signature, "people structures", discusses this. It's oblique, so you'll have to forgive the unraveling as it goes... but it might, ironically, give you hope.

I have always strongly disagreed with the notion of the nuclear family. I hope, someday, that we find a better way to raise children.

How so? LOL I know they also don't believe in birth control so I can see where the teen might choose to go for it with out protection to avoid the evil of birthcontrol. I dunno.

[openeyes]

Raising kids is something I've thought and studied a lot about over the past decade or so, which would generally be seen as unusual since I'm a 23 year old male. For years now I've been sharing birthing/rearing advice with pregnant friends, and at times I've considered studying to become a midwife. Just earlier today I found myself getting somewhat irritated watching a baby show where the midwives still had the mother lay on her back to give birth rather than squatting.

At this point I feel complete as I am. It would be rather simple to go on contently with my nomadic semi-retired lifestyle. Maybe I'll end up with someone with parenting/lifestyle goals similar to my own and we'll go for it, but it's not a given or a necessity. Right now I'm really enjoying my growing freedom and am not sure I'd ever want to have to always coordinate my plans with someone else for most things.

Living alone and just seeing friends/family when I want to has been great, and when I want to go out and try a new experience I can. It may be impossible to fully know beforehand, but I'm trying to decide if the experience of parenthood/marriage would outweigh all the other experiences it would likely take the place of.

[nvictor]

I turned 20 many months ago, and I wanted to have children; I don't know the reason, nor if I'm capable of raising children, knowing that it's a difficult thing, but I just wanted and still want.

Women are more conscious about that I think, because my girlfriend is the one that raises the right questions: who will take care of them, where to find the money, our parents don't even know each other...

[Terumoto]

I think having and raising children would be difficult, but also a lot of fun. I mean, imagine that, having your own children. It would be a blast.

It's like making a model rocket then launching it up into the sky, and how well it flies largely depends on how well you launched it, but also on other conditions such as wind or whatever. Oh, and (ideally) you die before the rocket hits the ground.

I just hope I have a son, because I have the feeling that if I were to have a daughter, I would be a very over-protective father.