A friend in need

[Lauxa]

I have a friend who is always broke, sick, and complaining. Additionally he is vindictive and holds grudges practically forever. As I started down the personal development path I have often felt that this person was an energy drain and that I should minimize my time spent with this person. This person has a very cyclical income and I have loaned him thousands of dollars to get him through the low spots... which he has always repaid. He has very few friends and is very needy of attention and praise.

I have hired him for several projects around my house, and a situation arose around the last project where we had a falling out and did not speak for a couple of months. Yesterday I stopped by his condo to return some things I had borrowed. As usual he was broke, sick, and complaining. Additionally the condo he is living in is about to transfer ownership and his professional license is being threatened.

This has been weighing heavily on me since I saw him yesterday. Is there anything I can do for this person? One thing I could do that he would appreciate is to bring him food, since he is a bachelor and hates to cook. Part of me wants to help, but I am also concerned about entangling my energies with this person.

How do you deal with people that you care about, people who are hurting, but who are not ready to make a spiritual shift?

[Ilya]

Does this friend ask you for help?
In general, if other person did not explicitly ask for help, you shouldn't do it.
Even if he does ask for help, be very careful and share responsibility for any expected outcome. Otherwise there is a danger of entering an energy-draining Karpman's triangle, and you don't want that happening, believe me.
It is very hard watching other people suffering, but as with First Aid, you have to take care of your own safety. Otherwise there will be two casualties instead of one.

[silicon toad2000]

I have had friends like that. If I ever help them I ensure that they invest as much of the talents as they can.
I follow the whole teach a man to fish approach. I try and show them how to do things for themselves.
I taught a friend to cook a few simple dishes. he was so happy with the skills, how well he picked it up and how simple it was. He started experimenting and had me over for a meal he cooked. It was a great night watching him shine.
Some people thrive on new skills and knowledge, others don't due to deeper issues.
You need to identify what is driving his condition and decide if you have the skills, energy and patience to spare to help with the root cause.
If you do I can honestly tell you there is very little more rewarding than watching someone turn their life around. But as Ilya said, there is a great risk that they can suck the life out of you and there is little more frustrating than being unable to help when you thought you could.

[Lauxa]

He very rarely explicitly asks for help, often preferring to manipulate others into offering help without his having to ask. I think this is good advice, Ilya, not to offer help unless it is specifically requested. Also, I think I will do some reading on "Karpman's triangle" since that's not a term I am familiar with...

[Ilya]

Karpman's triangle is the social model where there are three roles -
A victim a person who is treated as, or accepts the role of, a victim - this would be your friend. These people whine, complain and extort pity from others.
A prosecutor The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim. Sometimes circumstances occupy this role.
A rescuer, who intervenes out good will and wishes to help the victim. Sometimes no one asks the rescuer to intervene. Sometimes he is manipulated into this role. The intended goal for rescuer is to actually maintain the status quo.

The danger of Karpman's triangle is when one of the roles reverses. A victim not happy by how is he rescued can become a prosecutor for the former rescuer. And persecutor happily occupies the now vacant role of the rescuer. Or, the rescuer, not happy with victim's passivity gets angry and starts acting as prosecutor, with former prosecutor turning into rescuer against the new enemy. There are other combinations.

The main problem is that once people enter this system, it is very hard to break out short of ending the relationship. Whatever one person does, the two others adapt to a new role.

This is one of the greatest pitfalls for any social worker, therapist and lightworker for that matter. Since the system wants stability it leads to stagnation, frustration and huge energy drain.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Ilya

Karpman's triangle is the social model where there are three roles -
A victim a person who is treated as, or accepts the role of, a victim - this would be your friend. These people whine, complain and extort pity from others.
A prosecutor The person who pressures, coerces or persecutes the victim. Sometimes circumstances occupy this role.
A rescuer, who intervenes out good will and wishes to help the victim. Sometimes no one asks the rescuer to intervene. Sometimes he is manipulated into this role. The intended goal for rescuer is to actually maintain the status quo.

The danger of Karpman's triangle is when one of the roles reverses. A victim not happy by how is he rescued can become a prosecutor for the former rescuer. And persecutor happily occupies the now vacant role of the rescuer. Or, the rescuer, not happy with victim's passivity gets angry and starts acting as prosecutor, with former prosecutor turning into rescuer against the new enemy. There are other combinations.

The main problem is that once people enter this system, it is very hard to break out short of ending the relationship. Whatever one person does, the two others adapt to a new role.

This is one of the greatest pitfalls for any social worker, therapist and lightworker for that matter. Since the system wants stability it leads to stagnation, frustration and huge energy drain.

This is great stuff Ilya, thanks.

I also agree with the idea that if other person did not explicitly ask for help, you shouldn't do it.