feeling lonely

[artman]

i am just really pissed off at myself. i feel really lonely and i feel like a big loser for being socially incompetent and scared. i have friends that care about me and are there for me but on a day to day basis i feel lonely.

i dont talk to all my friends everyday and many times its because i dont call anyone or try to hang out with them. they always call me. for example 3 of my friends called and i talked to them for a few minutes but felt anxious cause i thought we would have nothing to talk about so i made an excuse and hung up. then i was pissed off all day cause i was at work and sat there by myself reading a book and i wished i was talking to someone. i do this all the time. I pushed away my ex girlfriend avoid seeing her because i felt like the more she saw me the more she would think i was a loser.

i can think of all the times i have lost friends because i just ignored them didnt pay attention to them lost that connection or never had a good connection because of the way i act. and they went out and met new people.

i want to be in a relationship and i have had many many chances without even approaching girls. i mean they come to me but i seriously dont go out with any of them because of this fear that they will see that i am boring, shy, and closed off from everyone.

i want to have good close friends that i hang out with and that i see on a semi daily basis but in many ways i do the exact opposite of that. i dont call them i sometimes say no to hanging out with them. rather than talking to new people i read a book or listen to music. and when i feel alone which is alot i become this person who cant do anything else. i cant do homework or think straight and it pisses me off.

right now, this really awesome girl wants to go out with me. she came to my job just to talk to me for an hour she gave me her number i didnt even asl but i havent called her in the past few days cause i am scared i wont be able to hold a conversation. i cant do it with my close friends how am i going to do this. same thing with going on a date i just feel incompetent to have fun and have a good conversation and connect with a person. its a battle between wanting to be with a person but having that fair and anxiety that i will screw up everything.

i hate talking to people one on one even my own friends. i dont know why. there is basically one person that i talk to about everything and comfortable with. i am comfortable with talking to strangers like at work no problem. but outside of work i feel uncomfortable. many times if i am with one of my friends driving i feel uncomfortable and dont enjoy myself.
i dont i want to have a good social life be connected with people but to me its almost a burden and painful to actually get that so i avoid it. i avoid relationsip hanging out etc. and it pisses me off everyday. i feel overwhelmed and feel like i will just keep doing this to myself.

[JimOfferman]

I feel your pain dude!

Answer me this: if an awesome girl springs up out of nowhere and wants to go out with you, don't you think that would be because she might think that you are, I dunno, interesting?

Seriously, stop beating yourself down like this... you have friends... having friends tends to mean that they find you interesting (why be friends with someone who bores the hell out of you?)

The only person standing in your way now is you... you need to find out what makes you think that you are boring. I bet that it will turn out to be some nonsensical fear.

Make a list of all the things that you consider to be either interesting or boring about yourself. Be honest to yourself and you'll probably find that the interesting list is longer and the boring list is stuff you don't care about anyway.

Good luck,
Jim.

[openeyes]

I would tackle this by learning to embrace failure. Even if you went out with someone and they found you boring, what's the worst that could happen? You gain experience and are better prepared for the next time, becoming more relaxed each time as you find things much easier than expected. This is one benefit I received from working a couple sales jobs, making dozens of cold calls daily. After a while you see failure not as the end, but as a step bringing you closer toward success.

As for becoming interesting (as if you weren't already), check out Dale Carnegie's How to Make Friends and Influence People. A good listener can often be much more interesting than someone who never stops talking.

[Ilya]

artman,
I've been in your place. I could go on for a long time, but right now, pick up that phone and call the girl.
She is already pissed off and will give you hard time. That's because she has spent the time since she gave you the number wondering if she is good enough for you.
Now, don't make lame excuses. Open up, say you are sorry, say you were scared to call such a great girl, tell her that you like her. Be nice and honest. Ask her on a date. She will forgive you. Then come back to finish this post.

You have difficulty communicating with people. This is fine. No matter how you got there, what is important where you want to go from there.
Find someone who you can talk to easily. You say you have this one person. Now, find some common acquaintances. You say that you are not comfortable one on one, try hanging around in a group. You can sit in the corner, smile and listen to people. Gradually you will know enough about them, their life and interests to be able to hold a meaningful conversation. Practice on one or two people, then gradually increase the number of people you let in your circle.
Don't expect everybody to be your best friend. Just know about other people's life. Read their blogs, if they have it. This way, you'll be able to know what's going on in their lives and be in tune.
Try going to some seminars, may be speaking classes, have a social hobby. The shared experience makes it much easier to talk to people.

In no time, you'll have great social skills.
You seem to be an introvert. Introverts are smart usually, so you have a lot of interesting things to say. You don't have to chat a lot, a few well placed comments will make people interested in you.

[Budhabee]

I would say take Openeyes advise. Nobody is just given confidence on a platter. You have to have some experience. Even if it doesn't turn out it is still a stepping stone. If you take a girl to a real fun place like a carnival or something where there are a lot of people or even swimming in a pool. Some place where you are not so one on one maybe it would work better.
Good Luck
Budhabee

[Iff]

Originally Posted by Ilya

[...]
Now, don't make lame excuses. Open up, say you are sorry, say you were scared to call such a great girl, tell her that you like her. Be nice and honest. Ask her on a date. She will forgive you. Then come back to finish this post.
[...]

Do call the girl and ask her out, but don't tell her that. Telling a girl you like her before the first date might not be a good idea, but telling a girl you are scared of her is never a good idea.

[Lychee]

I'm pretty much in the same boat...I feel you.

[Ibanez]

artman, how old are you?

[NotesMaeve]

Usually if I work myself up into a good mood, someone comes along.

[artman]

well i did call her and she didnt answer i was really anxious when i was calling her and in a way was glad she didnt pick up so i dont have to talk to her. its pretty weird but atleast i called i guess.

i am actually 20 so i am pretty old and have not dated much at all. i dont know if there is a way to get rid of this fear of being able to socialize and date without making it seem like i am climbing mount everest or something.

[JimOfferman]

You're not old... your grandma is old and should be worried if she never had a date (which, my guess, is not the case)... but not you... so don't fret, plenty of time left :P

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

artman, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25 years old...don't feel too bad!

Just keep putting yourself out there (I know it's hard, I felt much like you describe). The more you put yourself into social situations, the more you talk to girls, the more you make an effort to spend time with friends and connect, the easier it will become. Take small steps at first, maybe just getting together in a low key setting with one or two good friends. Then work your way up.

I know what lonliness feels like. You have the power to bring yourself out of it. I know you can do it and I am sending you lots of love. You have all the strength you need inside of you. Make the call even when you are nervous, everyone's been through it at some point, so they will understand!

[legend]

Hey artman,
True confidence does not come from comparison
It's not how you feel you compare to those around you
Confidence comes from knowing your true value.
Let me begin by telling you. You have unlimited value

What you are feeling, the nervousness, the anxiety comes from a fear that your value will not be seen or apreciated by the peolpe that you want (that's why you have no problem around strangers).

You look around you and see others that you wish you were like.
Well let me tell you the old saying we all put our pants on one leg at a time is true.... No one in any room is any better or worse than you my friend

Conversation comes from having things to talk about
Things to talk about come from doing or reading....

Educate yourself through experiance and study.... then you will always have something of value to bring to any conversation... once you know and live this your confidence will grow

[lizthefair]

Just another note to let you know you've been heard.

I've been in a similar place--I grew up without a lot of friends and when I was in the 5th grade over heard one of the girls that I thought was my friend say "Oh, no here comes lizthefair*" when I was walking up.

It's possible she meant nothing by it--or she was trying to make friends at my expense or a hundred other things--I'm sure she has no memory of the event.

What sucks is, I spent years subconsciously believing that all my friends were only pretending to like me. This made it hard to build deep relationships

The thing that helped me was uncovering where the fear came from and naming it. Now when I feel a bit insecure in a group I remind myself that I'm not in the 5th grade anymore. In groups of good friends I tell the story because in the light of day it's just a funny "kids are mean" story. It loses it's power.

Maybe you have a similar story in your past?

*obviously, she didn't really call me lizthefair

[artman]

thanks for all the support. you guys are great! yeah i compare myself to other people friends aquantics and always assume they are better than me which is definitly bad. some days i feel great about myself but many days i feel horrible. and yeah i have definitly made some progress in trying to go places to socialize and have fun.

last week i went bowling and watched a movie with some new people it was fun. definitly over the weekand i am going to find some parties or meet new people where i work. its challenging to just stick with it and remind myself to get myself out there.

[alexinspire]

I am shocked!

I never find someone so similar to me. No kidding. The only difference is I am not attracting lots of girls (only few try to get my phone number). I am 21.

I've been through that: Push away all my friends because thinking I'm really a big loser, not trying to talk much with girls, hopefully no one call me out, and I really hate social life IN THE PAST ONE YEAR!

So, here's what I am doing now in my life. I meet many people everyday and have created lots of partnership in business, exercise, talking and health. I can be with people without feeling tense or like a loser.

It's because there was a moment when I was very young. I notice classmates beat me up because I'm the tallest in class. Relatives don't play with me because I'm too young to play with them. So, I made a judgment on myself:

No one likes me. I'm a lonely guy!

Is it true? No it's not! It's just I'm the tallest and I'm too young. But I was too small to think like an adult. So I always think this is the truth. When I start to grown up, I notice I don't like social life (because I think no one will likes me when they know long enough about me.)

I try to hide away from group activities because I don't want them to tell me suddenly that they don't like me and trigger my past.

So... for Artman. Just consider this. You might have the same issue but different cases. Have a look why you always feel you are a loser! Did someone told you that when you are young? If it's true, pretend he is in front of you and tell him "Thank you for your opinion. I know it's not true and I'm not going to let your words to ruin my whole life."

I think it will work! I feel alone at least 10 times per day. So what? Alone doesn't equal to loser. I feel alone but I have friends who trust and care about me. I feel alone but I enjoy my life. Cheers!

[Alex2007]

What about me? I have no single friend and I don't feel lonely.

Some ages ago I had something in mind. Friends are always trouble. They may be seen as a security for the future when you grow old, but in fact they will all run away few days or months after you start to exhibit weaknesses.

Just cool down matey. Live the moment and don't count your life in terms of number of friends you have!

If you want security, there are security companies that can give you better services than friends !

Friends are there only for the leverage of any particular moment. You can do it without friends. Just go out and start talking to strangers!!!

Alex

[artman]

alexinspire you are very similar to me in many ways. i just gotta start joining clubs and organizations where i can be with alot of people. i am going to be starting school soon so i will definitly remmember to join a few clubs so i can participate. i never did that in high school and thought it was stupid. also my job at the moment kind of is a one man job so i am by myself. like today i work by myself for 11 hours i talked to a few people but i was reading and drawing for most of the time. i didnt feel like talking to people but i ended up talking to a few which was all right.

i many times prefer to be alone lost in my thoughts and dont liek to talk to people. i noticed also that there are certin times if i am alone i feel like i am not lonely but sometimes it triggers and i feel loneliness. i gotta figure out why.

also i have noticed in the past year that i kind of took life easy. it was partly because alot of things went wrong with friends and i was in alot of pain physically mentaly. so in the back of my mind i was like i will take it easy and same with meeting people andnot try as hard and it hasnt worked too well. so i am committing myself to change.

[artman]

man i keep having these thoughts where i feel like i am just not a good person and that i am not a fun and good person. today my best friend doesnt want to hang out cause my other friend is not coming. he doesnt want to go because its not as fun without him. i told him i wanted to hang out with him but he was like yeah i gotta go do this and that but if the other guy comes then i will. to me it feels like it dont matter if i am there or not as long as the other guy does. i dont know if that makes sense but it eats me up. its been bothering me for some reason.

[Budhabee]

I think that would really bother me too.

[alexinspire]

Hi Artman,

I'm posting this to you again.

It actually doesn't matter whether you friends say anything to you. Don't allow their words to eat you up. If you allow their words to dominate your life, you are forcing yourself to like by people.

Honestly, many people don't like me. They told me they don't like me very upfront but they like to hung out and have meeting with me. Is not that they don't like you that cause you can't be with them, it's your thoughts about yourself that you are a loser that cause that. (Sorry to confront you!)

No one like to be with a person who thinks himself or herself as a person who is not good in socializing, loser and not funny.

Just be yourself and have confidence about yourself. This will definitely change the whole situation!

Cheers

[Boreas]

I have been getting a lot of the same feelings lately. I have always been afraid of letting people know who I am, and what all my thoughts and dreams are. This is because I always feel that they are typical, and I never want to seem like a typical person.

Most of the time I am happy in my thoughts, but sometimes loneliness also hits me like a punch in the stomach. I think it is because sometimes I just want someone to be interested in me, and hear my ideas, and like them, or present a different idea, or laugh at my jokes. In other words, it is like I have to be made to feel special by someone.

At these times I usually try to remember that I have to be happy with myself first, if I run to people for happiness, it will always be a mistake. I try to calm my mind and my ego, I try to put myself in the present moment, and focus on what I have. It isn't easy, but I am practicing, and usually it helps.

Social relationships only work for me when I am aware of my own power, my confidence to be alone. It is sort of a strange thought, but when you are lonely you want to build your confidence and be happy with who you are. If you look for friends when you are lonely, then you are looking for someone to validate all your insecurities, all the things that make you feel bad about yourself, you want someone to tell you that it is OK, when in fact, no person can fill that need for you, you are the only person who can do that. Once you have done that, and you are not lonely, then you can have good relationships with people....

[artman]

what i hate is when i get messed up in one thought process and cant get out. i have the issue of i think people are better than me and it pops up and freezes me.

i also get all scrwed up thinking about my ex and how we should be together. the only thing is i know i dont want to go back cause its not good for me. she comes in my head randomly and it pisses me off.

and alex yeah i have noticed that when i am in a good mood and not self conscious i am better at connecting with people having a good time and being at ease with everyone but those thoughts come back and mess things up.

i am starting school in a few days and i have promised myself to participate in school more. meet more people join a few clubs and enjoy myself while at the same time having the best semester academically. i am excited actually. only prob my ex will be there but that should be okay hopefully

[artman]

I started School about 2 weeks ago and things have been going pretty good. I did join a few clubs and i went to their meetings and had a fun time. I also will be volunteering at a hospital soon. I know that i am slowly making changes and progressing to where i want to get to.

The big problem i am having is i cannot stop thinking about my ex!! i really want her out of my life. when i am by myself i start thinking about her and how i should be with her, what is she doing, why didnt it work out, and all these other questions that just dont go away. i wake up in the morning with this anxiety and hopelessness and i could feel my heart beating fast. It kills my day and i just want to forget! I want to move on but i dont know how to get rid of these thoughts that keep dragging me down!