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08-01-2007, 09:22 AM
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 boyfriend & abundance mindset Id be greatful for your advice on this one. Sorry its a bit long. I havent been in a serious relationship for quite a while, until recently when I manifested a the loving relationship I dreamed of. He is kind, warm, sensitive, loving, attractive, intelligent, funny, honest, we are very passionate about each other, and have lots of fun,and he seems very committed etc. We have been together 3 months. We are both in our 30s and want to start a family one day. There is one problem. Money. He is a poor artist from a working class family. I feel that he has a "poor" state of mind. Ill add that personally Im only recently changing a lot of my own thoughts on money, getting into a more abundant mind set, and I can see a breakthrough. Im fully aware its a process of changing my "state of being". He feels intimidated to sit in restaurants which arent doner kebabs, and buys his clothes in the market, while I prefer to spend money in expensive shops. hed rather walk for miles than take a taxi, and if I offer to pay for his taxi he wont accept. Ill buy organic, expensive food and hell buy cheaper food. I tried talking about it, I tried showing him "The Secret" which he hated(!).. claiming its too American and he found it distasteful. Besides occasionally selling his art, he works a lot teaching but gets paid very little. I think he has all the potential to become a successful artist. and can get much better teaching posts, but he doesn't seem to value himself enough. The other day I told him "I have a feeling you will be very successful" and the next day he won a prize of a few thousand dollars from the museum. Once he told me he knows hes going to be rich one day, but I see that his state of mind and attitude towards money wont take him there. Recently I was too critical. I laughed when he told me where he buys his clothes, and told him not to be so cheap on himself. He got very angry and claimed Im trying to change him as if he was a doll. Eventually this whole thing grew out of proportion, and he told me he doesn't see a way for this relationship to work and we split up two days ago. I miss him. and love him. Should I simply wait for the pain to pass, and find someone who can be a partner in my quest for an abundant lifestyle. Or do I go back and apologize for being so critical and focus on my own abundance instead of his and hope he will catch on, being more patient. Please, Id love to hear your thoughts. Thanks.      |
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08-01-2007, 11:07 AM
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| Hello. Time - you need to spend more of it with special people. We have been together 3 months. This isn't any time at all. Three months and your trying to change someone, considering starting a family with them and making this the most important person in your life. Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you feeling that time is running out on you just because your in your 30s? Perhaps your putting too much pressure on yourself to make things work out. There is plenty of time to find the right person, but men in particular don't want women trying to comprehensively change their lives for them and certainly not within weeks of a relationship starting. Reading your post, is money really a 'problem' for him or you? Whether you go back to this man is entirely your decision and not for anyone here to comment on. If things don't work out then it's time to move on. There is always someone else and plenty of time to find them. Don't be hard on yourself and others with this abundance thing. It isn't some magic formula, it's about your own efforts. Good luck! |
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08-01-2007, 11:38 AM
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| Hi danas. It's a definite challenge to change your own mind about something then fall in love with someone who doesn't agree! The love of my life is here now, after my intending him for a good while, and we've been married a month today. He and I are the opposite of you and your boyfriend. He likes the expensive things and I like to live cheaply. But the point I'd like to make is that this is a challenge for you personally to accept yourself and himself as you both are. Any relationship is about accepting ourselves. We object to in others what we don't like about ourselves. I love your museum prize manifestation, and that's how it needs to be. Positive and encouraging. What's in behind your quest for wealth, what's behind his "poor consciousness"? That's the real meat. What IS abundance for you? Is it just being cheap on his part or a desire to reduce consumption for another reason? With loving acceptance of the other (and therefore ourselves) we can better understand the emotional reasons why we behave this way. Whether you go back with him or find someone else, I'd suggest spending the time to really understand why you and your partner behave as you do. The parts that annoy each other are the parts that are the most useful for your own growth! Much love Hazel
__________________ Learn EFT and change your life today! http://www.reallygoodideas.com.au hazelb@reallygoodideas.com.au |
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08-01-2007, 12:00 PM
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I myself would not stay in a relationship with someone with the intent to change them in a major way. I'd rather go seek someone that has those qualities. |
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08-01-2007, 12:27 PM
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| Hi danas, Role-reverse and imagine if your boyfriend implied you were a "money whore." How would you feel? |
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08-01-2007, 04:39 PM
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| I am curious if you ever talked openly with this man and tried to understand if his life's purpose was somehow opposed to the very lifestyle you treasure? I ask because I've been the "cheap" one in a relationship with a real money-magnet (he had a six figure income by his early 20's and started investing in real estate at 19... I was a poor single mom who rode the bus every day to a $10/hr dead end job). I knew in my heart that we were doomed when he proposed and took me to this fancy jewelry shop and let the salesman steer him toward this engagement/wedding band set of 4 rings all cut from the same natural diamond costing more money than I was currently making in a year. I wouldn't even try on that abomination and I laughed at him. He felt hurt and told me that how my ring looked reflected on him (people wouldn't think he treated me well if the ring was anything but a giant rock given his income). I was deeply offended that he thought of *my ring* as a symbol of his wealth and status. If he really knew me he would know I have political and ethical objections to the natural diamond industry, and that I find them visually bland (swarovski crystals and cheap plastic rings from the candy vendors at the grocery store look as good as diamonds to me). If he had asked, he'd know my fantasy is getting wedding tattoos (always wanted someone to have my name on a tattoo, hehe). But in that one gesture he showed that he wasn't really interested in what I valued. My life as his wife would have been a constant struggle of "what reflects well on his self-worth" (which was very low and only elevated as he got more money/power in life) versus "what do I actually value and enjoy" and I was sad. We got no ring. I spent the next 3 years with this person hoping he'd get to know me and someday understand/care what I wanted. Never happened. To our final words, it seemed to me that it was all about him and his values (looking back though, *I* was just as self-centered and stubborn). I held it against him for a while *but* later matured and realized that we were both equally at fault for silently hoping the other would change their values, change their entire perspective of life and how to live it, for the other one. I think that is the complete opposite of what LOA is about when it comes to relationships. If you rekindle anything with your ex you would need to go back and address things openly so that you were not left wondering what might have been/if he really did share your views/goals but had obstacles you might have helped him with. But I think it's always good to look for the simplest "answer" that makes sense and not read into/project onto people so it might just be what it looks like on the surface: two people with incompatible values/lifestyle goals. Happens all the time, and it doesn't change the love you shared... just makes it a challenge (sometimes an unsustainable one) to forge a life partnership together. My litmus test is to ask whether I'm willing to give up anything from my "wish list" in exchange for my partner giving up something dear to him. Usually, I have to admit that I wouldn't change the same kind of thing I'm hoping he'll change.  |
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08-01-2007, 05:21 PM
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Receiving a bountiful gift from the universe and then trying to destroy it does not reflect an abundance mindset. But that's what you've been doing. Why? What do you feel you deserve? Can you see another approach that might work better for you? (e.g., being grateful, creating a space of freedom for the people in your life, generating admiration and appreciation for your man). You want him to generate an abundance mindset, but you are simply mirroring what you are resisting yourself. I think you are incredibly powerful. What are you willing to create with your awesome power? Love, Angela |
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08-02-2007, 10:34 AM
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| Hi Everybody Thanks a lot for your replies. Very helpful. Yesterday we happened to bump into eachother on the street and just started hugging. In the evening we met and talked. I suddenly realized that I was always thinking 20 years ahead instead just being present, I kept wanting to squeeze him into some fantacy I had in my head. Suddenly last night I really "saw" him. And realized how much I want him just the way he is. I realized even before (and told him) that he was just miroring my own money attitude, but now I realized that I dont need him to be someone else, as long as I change to an abundant mindset. So yes, we are back together again  , and I feel now closer to him then I ever have. I want to get to know him, instead of just seeing how he can fit some "ideal".Peleke4 you asked how I manfested my lover. Well, a combination of many things : vision boards- (we have already lived through most of the very kitch images on my vision board) prayers, meditation, fengshui, self work etc. One concrete thing I did is that a girlfriend came over and told me to imagine my ideal relationship and my ideal man. What I really want. As I spoke about what I saw in my mind, she wrote it down. she filled 7 pages of my "ideal relationship" description. exactly one month later me and my man began our affair. Its amazinhg because I got exactly what I asked for. Among many things I even wrote that he doesnt come from a rich family, but will make his own money, and that he should be a bit of a hippy. Now I am writing that I have an abundant life and a loving relationship, and I know that this too will manifest, with this guy or someone else. In the meantime I am so greatful for what I have. Quote:
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08-02-2007, 02:46 PM
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| Great for you, danas, I just want to tune in with a piece of advice from a male side. If you love your man, never, never, never ever criticize him. Even for his own sake. Just don't do it. Both in large matters and small. This just drains the love from the man, he becomes unable to give back to the relationship. This might not matter at the beginning, but as time goes by it becomes very poisoning.
__________________ Ilya. |
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08-03-2007, 07:03 PM
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| Danas. Your situation sounds a bit like mine. Opposites attract you might say. First of all, just to put in some perspective, artists are a crowd all of their own. My Sig other is a musician. He put out 2 CD's with Midwest Records 10 years ago and then the band split. He has opened for many well known artists including Ozzy and Pantera. He was very close to Dimebag before the fatal accident and has great photos and memories. Now my Sig other is trying to get back on the scene but doing his own thing instead of a band he had done before. I could describe him just as you have described yours. Just as you and I and others have drives in the work field or passions about clothing, reading, ect. Their passion is the art they make or perform. It seems that these individuals seem to be less materialistic and more drawn to themselves but you will also notice that most artists and musicians especially the up and coming or starving ones are not as self confident as they should be. They beat themselves up, ect. Artisticic minds are a little more distanced even if they portray that they are not. Inside they really are and thats how their minds work. Cherish the differences in your artist. If the love is strong, if the intimicy is strong, if you enjoy eachothers company then take the next step to accept all that the other person is. Learning to respect the Differences in the one we love can make things stronger. Learning to see what makes that person happy is what can brings things together. If he likes shopping at the market. Smile and enjoy that. So be it. IF he likes the cheaper food. So be it. The question is are you looking for a truly rewarding relationship or one that may come with the same ideas and money goals but lack of intimicy, shared compassion and joy. Is him being different all that important? My sig other and I are just now learning how to balance this and accept eachother as we both are and once you accomplish that, you'll see that those differences in the other person become just as cherished as anything else you see within them... |
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08-05-2007, 01:10 PM
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Now Im finally accepting that being an artist doesnt contridict with making money and living in abundance, and things are starting to shift in my life. This month Ive sold more art than in my whole career, and made more money than I earned in the whole of last year (I made very little last year, cause money was the last thing on my mind). I finally said "I no longer wish to be a poor struggling artist!!" and this is why I was so critical of him as I recognised his behavior as being something I am too familiar with, and something I am working hard to change in myself. So I guess the problem came from our similarities rather than our differences. I feel now I really need to give us a chance, and get to know him as who he really is, rather than find exuses why it wont work. |
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08-05-2007, 05:30 PM
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__________________ dishing out tough love. |
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08-06-2007, 02:52 PM
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| danas, I don't mean to be blunt, but you pushed a good man away. You were basically telling your boyfriend that he was not good enough, even though I know you don't really feel that way. The good news is, maybe it is best that he left you. You can't go in a relationship in the hope to change someone. You need to love them for who they are now. You can't fix them or make them into something they are not. The fact of the matter is your boyfriend probably had life more figured out than you and I'll tell you why. He lived below his means and he didn't feel that he had to put on an overpriced shirt on to make him feel worthy. Let me give you a little clue about the so called "secret". This notion that you can think about something and it will come to you is a bunch of hogwash. Life is about giving and you get when you give. The secret implys that you can TAKE by thinking about a thing, without giving. This idea of the "secret" was hijacked from a book called Think and Grow Rich. There is a chapter in this book called Going the Extra Mile, doing more than what you are paid for. The so called "secret" left this part out of their book. This man that you were with wanted to walk several miles before taking the taxi because he is not a taker, but a giver. He didn't want to take from you. He just wants to express himself with his art and to give back to the World. However you are not a taker either. You love this man and just want better things for him. I understand this. I would try to set up a time when you guys can talk. Tell him how you truly feel and listen to him. Just listen. |
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08-06-2007, 11:43 PM
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This idea is not mine. I've stole it from the pop psychology book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I take the liberty to present this idea on this forum, because it really helped my relationship in the difficult time. And the pattern that Dana described seems painfully familiar. To give the idea justice, I would have to retell the book. I won't do it. I advise any couple to read it as soon as possible, in the very beginning of the relationship. Speaking of criticizing. Yes there is good old "giving feedback" and there is unasked criticizing and attempts to change another person. I welcome the first and loath the second. Amazingly, women do not react the same way as men to critique. Women seem to appreciate healthy criticism coming from men much more. It might be a surprising thought, but the relationship between men and women are not symmetrical. They are complimentary. Treating the other part as we would like to be treated ourselves leads to unexpected and very painful problems. Women want to offer advice as you described it. More often then not, men do not need or want this advice. It may have something to do with self-esteem, but then huge amount of men have a problem in this area.
__________________ Ilya. |
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08-07-2007, 12:10 AM
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Criticism means to pass judgement, find fault, or issue censure. Those are not things that create an environment of love, freedom, or joy! Sure, giving your mate an alternate view of a situation, making a request, stating a preference, or even suggesting behavior that might work better are healthy in a relationship. Judgment, fault-finding, and expressing disapproval? Not. Those are all good ways to generate contempt, which is relationship cyanide. You don't ever, ever, ever have to make your mate wrong in order to be satisfied and fulfilled. (Ever.) (I like four, too, Ilya.) |
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08-07-2007, 05:23 PM
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| I'm fond of the concept that the flaws you find in others are the flaws you find in yourself. I prefer to verbally discuss how I'm working on the issue that I'd also like her to work on. Hopefully she'll take the cue and if not at least I've improved a bit. |
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08-09-2007, 04:51 AM
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| Ilya, I agree with Angela here, and while I respect that often, men and women have different needs, the asymmetry here would upset me in a real relationship. My SO and I are very open about sharing any issues and problems we want a second opinion on or would just like to vent about, and if asked, we give input for the other. I would refuse to accept frequent criticisms and suggestions, and likely, become very agitated with them if I was not allowed to reciprocate.
__________________ dishing out tough love. |
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08-09-2007, 05:14 PM
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| Well, this is totally up to you. You need to get that people will never change. Sorry to say that because they really don't. I've been trying to change my mother's attitude about being controlling and hot temper. Guess what? 10 years past and she is still the same person. You got to choose if he will never change, will you still want to be with him? I won't give you the answer because you got to answer it and be responsible about your life. Just ask yourself "If he is never ever going to change, |