Perspective Needed on Family Problems

[blueflame]

I'm trapped in a rather sticky situation. I'm of college age, halfway through school and still living with my parents on breaks. They really don't respect me and refuse to recognize that I'm an adult. Things have gotten better, but I spend almost all of my time caring for my ailing grandparents, which I enjoy but is very hard to do. I am not free to go out whenever I wish, and am limited. I basically work hard trying to help them and help my parents to keep peace and get some recognition. I just wish
I could them to love me for me and not try to tell me that I act the way I do just to be different from my sister. (my sister and i went to the same school, same sorority, even some of the same friends, not sure where they got that idea). I can't even play golf with my father without him berating me. My mother said not too long ago, that I wasn't that great and not someone to be proud of.
Here's the kicker(s). My father has occasionally been known to be abusive, my mother, and my adult sister as well. I put up with it so I can get through school, and almost got kicked out of the house last year when I went on a camping trip without telling them (It was focused on earth-based religions, which religion in general fascinates me. My mom is a die-hard catholic and thinks that anyone who isn’t could go to hell.). It was a somewhat rash decision, I admit, but they made it out as if I had been murdered. My mother was furious when she found out, because I confessed to them after they had called my friends and school to see where I was. When I said I wasn't going to go home immediately (a friend of mine who is a social worker was there, and recommended that I didn't because he heard the phone conversation) with my friend who drove, they threatened to call the police and file a missing person's report. I called the police and told them what was going on and they hardly believed me. It's frustrating because even my RA didn't totally believe me, because she knew my sister, and I had kept silent for so long. (I'm a good student, I get mostly A's, I have held a job for over two years, never got in trouble in school -ever- and I have a lot of friends- nothing too crazy there. Just, sudden confessions make people confused, I guess.)
My parents were worried because I had said I was going to call them back and hadn't within 24 hours, so they started calling around looking. Usually I may call back a day or two later, but for some reason they got worried that day. My friend's mom, who knows of their abusive tendencies, wouldn't tell them where I was even though she knew. My friend had fantasy paintings in her house of people with swords/ a knife on her wall (not a sharp blade, was a replica of some famous one), and my family decided after seeing this that she and her family are evil, and literally in league with the devil and out to get me. They also think that because my friend is bisexual, that she had some weird obsession with me. They screamed at me and told me I had better not be because if I was, I was damaged beyond repair/unredeemable. I no longer see this friend because of all this chaos.
I was on accutane at the time, and my mom proceeded to convince my doctor that I had literally lost my mind while taking it. After this I had to see my general physician who is a die-hard catholic as well (my mom works with her, and she was not buying my story at all and was trying to tell me i shouldn't try to choose a different religion) and tried to send me to a family psychologist. I had already been seeing one for a while after an incident with my family before, and she told me not to go because it would just make my parents mad when a licensed family therapist told them they were being unreasonable. She also predicted that they would question her credentials, which I have seen, and she has a doctorate with a prestigious university. They did. They decided she was brainwashing me. I told my psychologist the nature of the camping trip, and she decided that I had best be very careful (cause she specializes in cults, and is a christian who believes / was trying to make me go back to christianity in general). Parents then went behind my back and saw a psychologist who said that I would not follow through on family therapy because they would "fix my wagon".
They also have been faulting me because I have a rocky relationship that I am in, with a guy who is not a fan of my parents. They know I stay mostly because for a long time, I have convinced myself that he is the only one who will love me because of some my beliefs (that I can see the deceased/have limited past life memories) which some people would not accept. They continually tell me to leave him because they think he is strange like me and that I need to change so I can find someone normal.
It is a struggle everyday, and many people tell me I should just take responsibility and get out. I put up with a lot of antagonizing nasty comments from my family, especially my sister, and it is hard not to be ashamed of myself for not taking off. I would, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own financially...and have been told by the school that it would be possible, but debilitating. I have to constantly convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, even though I can't go where I want and do what I want. Some have even told me it's my fault if they abuse me, because I chose to stay here, and I somewhat agree with that. I understand the risks. I work everyday not to feel anger, or sadness, and to be positive. It's hard, especially when you have almost no one to turn to. I know that so many other people have hard times that make my issues look like nothing, and it is a chance for me to learn a lot about life. Whoa, if you read this whole thing, I'm impressed. Thanks

[ZHereford]

Wow blueflame what a difficult situation you're in. I guess you would have to approach this from a 'lesser of evils' point of view.

Which situation would you be able to tolerate longer? Your parents and their verbal abuse or not knowing if you could handle the lack of finances? I think it boils down to that.

In the meantime, work on distancing yourself from your family's negative, dysfunctional attitudes. Easier said than done - I know, but since you aren't getting it from them, nurture and take care of yourself the best you know how. Best of luck to you!

[blueflame]

I appreciate that, and I have decided to stick with them. I want to keep a relationship and communication open with my parents, because it seems that no matter what they do I still love them. I appreciate the advice!

[Hsiang-Lin]

blueflame,

Don't ever give up on yourself for anyone or anything. I dunno if you believe in a God, but it may help to know that He is always with you, especially in your times of suffering. I send my prayers and best wishes to you.

[blueflame]

Thanks , and yes I definitely believe in God.

[Love]

Hi, blue flame.
It sounds like you're a pretty strong person. You're practicing unconditional love for your parents in some pretty trying circumstances. If you're going to stay with your parents through college, do you have a game plan after that? Is there anything (other than just not talking to the rents) that could make the home situation more tolerable? A room re-do? I don't know, just trying to help... My heart is with you.

[blueflame]

I am moving out the second I graduate . I've had the same job for two years, and if nothing else, I can do that and afford to rent an apartment til I get something more permanent. I plan on applying to law school, and as many jobs as I possibly can. I'm interested in many different fields, so it shouldn't be hard to find something. I have two more years, and come that day, it will all be smoother from there (hopefully). I have my dog and grandparents, who make things a lot better. I think what does make it tolerable, is the amount of traveling I am able to do when I'm off. When I work, I'm not around enough for them to get angry. This has been our best summer yet so far. I just hope that if anything, I can open their eyes a little bit before I go. Thank you for your support, really. It's amazing to know that someone I've never met, cares.

[Cuddles444]

If fear of God and anger is all your parents know and they have drawn your sister in as well, then there is not much you can do until they see the light. Keep a compassionate approach to them. Tell them that you respect their beliefs. Tell them that you love them and know they want what is best for you...but there comes a time when you have to do what you know is right for you. Doing what is right for you is honouring God. We all have that sense of Right from God within us. Moving into a place of your own won't mean that you are abandoning them or love them any less. You can still keep supporting the grandparents, take your dog with you, and help the rest of the family any way that you can. You will find people and make friends that will help you generate the life you want to live.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

Sounds very disempowering. I don't really understand why you have to stay now, but after you graduate you can leave. That sounds like a cop out. Then again, I know what it's like to feel as though money has you trapped. That, though, is an illusion. It's just not true. You can leave whenever you choose to leave.