Being a light...how is it done?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I have read Steve's post on How to Help Negative People and have gained a lot of ideas from it, however, I would like to know if anyone has some more insights or personal experience on how to help the negative people in your life.

I have quite a few people in my life who bask in negativity. They do have a lot of problems facing them in their life situation, but from this side, I can see where they have opportunities to make things so much better if they will take responsibility and action. In fact, many times they show me where I am doing the same thing which is a great help to me because I recognize it. I try to be encouraging. Still, sometimes I wish I could just slap some sense into them in the nicest way possible of course!

I know we cannot change others, nor should we try. But can we be a positive influence in such a way that it helps them to see where their negativity is holding them back? Is there a gentle way to show someone how their victim mentality doesn't serve them?

Any experiences you've had in this area, success stories of helping out negative people or tips for doing so are greatly appreciated. I would even go so far as to request that you let me in on exactly what you say to people that is encouraging, not condescending and still gets the point across.

So, what, if anything, has worked for you?

Thanks!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

But can we be a positive influence in such a way that it helps them to see where their negativity is holding them back? Is there a gentle way to show someone how their victim mentality doesn't serve them?

You're already doing it. With the kind, loving words you give people here, and by taking 100% responsibility for your life every chance you get (I see you doing that!), and by being so open and honest with us, you are a shining beacon of light who bathes people in the warm, generous glow of your positive spirit. You are an example to people; you are a Leader.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

My ego thanks you . No, in all seriousness, I appreciate your kind words.

I guess the difference that concerns me is that people here are usually asking for help and most already have some notion of personal responsibility.

What do we do about those people in the 'real world' who just complain? Or who, when they ask for help, defeat every positive thing you say with more negativity and victimhood? Do we just keep on living the best way we know how and hope they will see it? I really would love to do as much as I can to help so long as I don't sacrifice my own positive outlook.

For example, I have a friend who has always worked kind of low wage, low status jobs. But he blames the problems he has there on the boss, coworkers, etc. I have encouraged him to go back to school for something he enjoys, but then come the excuses: I don't have the money, I will never pass math so a degree is out of the question, how will I work and go to school...I have to pay the bills. Even if I have a positive answer to every question along with an offer of assistance with the details, there's always some other reason it won't work.

What could I say or do in a situation like that? Is it really just about living it as an example? Because I tend to be told I've had it easy and that everything I have was handed to me (which is so ridiculously not the case).

[JimOfferman]

There is nothing more you can do really, right? I mean, you can tell your friend that he - and he alone - has the power to change his life for the better, but in the end it is he himself who has to do it. Perhaps you should see less of this friend for a while - give him space and time to works things out on his own.

Other than that, all you can do is lead by example - show him that positive attitude leads to positive results. Life is so frightingly simple in some regards...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Jim. I guess that's right. I like to be proactive. I hate to see a friend going through a tough time and have no ability to do anything.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

you can tell your friend that he - and he alone - has the power to change his life for the better

I have acutally said exactly that to him. I am probably annoying because I've actually said it multiple times.

I will certainly try to keep a positive attitude for myself and hope it will have some ripple effect. Still, if anyone has any other advice, I would be willing to give that a try too.

Thanks again.

[Old Soul]

Humor:-0

I think Emily Dickenson says in one of her poems , "Tell the truth but tell it slant", .....

Just recently my father in law was shouting and ranting at me about something which had nothing to do with me period... I just smiled and looked him directly in the eye and said quite bluntly and plainly " I hope you get visited by 3 ghosts"........ He could NOT help but laugh..... after I said that the entire conversation changed .........

and it might make him think the next time he gets into his woe is me frame of mind....

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Old Soul. The humor approach sounds like fun.

[JimOfferman]

You're welcome! I just wish that following good advice was as easy as giving it. That goes for you, for me and for the rest of the world...

I, for one, am a far better teacher than I am a student. That is, I often say things that I know to be true, but that doesn't necessarily mean I follow the the wisdom of my 'own' teachings. I try very hard to maintain a positive attitude, but find it very easy to fall in the trap of seeing just the negatives of a situation. Likewise, I am too easily tempted to try and force a positive outlook on someone, rather than leading by example and allowing them to find the light on their own.

But then again, I do find life's little ironies rather enjoyable.

love,
Jim.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I am too easily tempted to try and force a positive outlook on someone, rather than leading by example and allowing them to find the light on their own.

I agree. Part of being a loving person (maybe the hardest part!) is creating a space of freedom for others to be exactly who they are and trusting them to choose their own path. It's so difficult when they're choosing a path that l think will lead them to pain or blockage! But it's not the "wrong" path. It's just their path. If I try to interfere or control another person's choices, it will only lead to pain and blockage for me. If I love them, I must trust them to make their own choices.

But continue to pay attention to why and where it's so important to you to make a 'proactive' difference in the lives of others. You know that whatever it is that's bothering you about what another person is doing is really a part of you jumping up and down, shouting "look at me!"

I think you do the right thing when you simply shine your radiant beacon of light. Make the best choices for yourself, let him know what you think (when he asks!), let go of what you don't need, and allow the generous light that results from that to warm others.

That's me, protecting my eyes from the brilliance that is you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks again you two.

Angela, I guess I do need to look at why I feel the need to be proactive. Thanks for the reminder.

And, Jim, I too have plenty of advice to give that I don't always follow myself. What you've said is really good and I will do my best to just do my thing and hope it gives someone else an inspiration. As well as giving whatever advice and encouragement I can when asked.

Originally Posted by Angela

That's me, protecting my eyes from the brilliance that is you.

That's me, flabbergasted at how awesome you are.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

PS My friend just called me at work and said he got a paper and was calling places to find another job. He asked me to help him with some online stuff and thanked me for being there to give him a hand. His attitude is a lot more positive today. And he's being proactive for himself which is the best part (and it's nice for me because he asked for my help so I get to be a little proactive on his part too).

[JimOfferman]

That's great to hear! And thank you too

[Shamou]

{aspiring_to_clarity} !

Doth the lady loveth too much…???

I swear to god that I like you very much… and I agree with Angela when she says that you are one of the most loving people in this forum… however, since this is a forum for “Smart People” and smart people love to explore hypothesis… I would like to ask you a hypothetical question…

Why is it so important for you to love people…??? Could it be that it is easier for you to love all seven billion of us humans then it is to love yourself…??? Are you not in a quest to love others hoping that some of it will come back to you and help to fill a need that you cannot fill yourself…???

And, what if you devoted all that time and energy in finding out how truly wonderful you are yourself… find out how much you deserve to love yourself… and finally realize what is called, “The Ultimate Seduction” which is winning your own heart and fill it with love and affection for yourself…

In other words... why not devote you love energy on yourself... then, let that love naturally radiate to others... would that not be a more constructive approach for you...???

.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you, Shamou. Your words are both insightful and helpful. You are right and I will try.