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Welcome to the Personal Development for Smart People Forums, the place for lively, intelligent discussion of all personal growth issues -- physical, mental, financial, social, emotional, spiritual, and more. You're currently viewing as a guest, which gives you limited read-only access. By joining our free community, you'll be able to post your own messages, access many members-only features, see the new messages posted since your last visit, and of course remove this header message. Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please join today. If you arrived here from a search engine, you may want to explore the main site first, which includes hundreds of deep and insightful articles on a variety of personal development topics. |
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07-24-2007, 10:33 AM
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 i just wanna be loved... Im in the military, stationed in japan (and have been here for about a year). I came here completely alone, and have not really made any GOOD friends. My fiancee joined the military and got stationed here a few months ago. Right before she came here, she lost (or, it was supposedly stolen) the $2500engagement ring. Since she has been here, she has cheated on me (she was "talking to" her ex, and saw him a couple of times, and kissed im "once") and ever since then, we have barely seen eachother. I forgave her for cheating on me after I talked to her about it and found out that after she kissed him she promptly left due to it "feeling wrong"... because it was not me. BUT.... she has since then stood me up countless.... countless times, she has seemingly ignored most of my calls/texts, and in general doesnt seem to care about me at all. I know in my mind that this relationship is garbage, and well... effectively non existant, but i am so desperately lonely over here, that I can't help but to miss her. So i still talk to her, and when she tells me that we will "see eachother tonight" or whenever, i sometimes still believe her, even though she never follows through. The only times i have seen her in the past month are the times that I found her (no, im not stalking her, by found, i just mean that she was home when i came to her door). Even just today i spoke to her and she said that she wanted to see me after work tonight. I didnt expect it to happen (cuz she said the same thing last night, and didnt show) but i called her when i got off work anyway. No answer. I left her a text telling her to call me, but of course, still no answer. And i dont expect i will get one tonight. I could go into more detail about this relationship, but i think you must get the point by now. The relationship is over. I am her "Ex-Fiancee". But i am still in some sort of twisted denial, so i still try. She will be leaving for Iraq in a couple of months, and she will not come back to this island (except for a couple of weeks) until i am gone, and back in the states. I already explained that i KNOW the reason i am clinging on to this relationship, or lack thereof.... because i have no one over here... but i cant help but continue to hope, and try to see her. I dont even know why I am writing this post... i dont really expect someone to have some miracle solution to my problem (oh, if you cant tell by now, my problem is that i am terribly lonely, bored, and feel a crushing lack of love ALL THE TIME). I could probably predict all of the advice i may or may not get in this post anyway: make friends, get a hobby, do something productive, forget about that girl (or on the opposite side of the coin, talk to that girl), and undoubtedly someone will suggest that i seek professional help before i kill myself (and yes, I am considering seeking counseling from the mental health clinic, but no, unfortunatly i will never have enough balls to kill myself... okay, maybe that is a fortunate thing, although it doesnt feel all that fortunate right now). [sorry for the paragraph long run on sentence  ]So what do i ask for from you, the helpful, wise, compassionate, sympathetic reader? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I have no hope that anything will help, but if you wanna try, at least i will have a little something to occupy my time... I appologize in advance because i know that i may have just inadvertantly insulted all of you, but i mean no hard feelings. Here, maybe this will be worth something: PLEASE HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING INSANE FROM LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION AND A LACK OF LOVE! WATER ME PLEASE, CUZ THIS PLANT IS DYING... painfully oh yeah, and no one needs to tell my how much of a baby i am being, cuz trust me, i am rediculously embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being such a bitch (please excuse the profanity).      |
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07-24-2007, 10:55 AM
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 First of all; STOP BEING SO GODDAMN HARSH ON YOURSELF... You are not being a winy bitch, you have every right to feel lonely and your clearly still attached to the girl... Love is a bit like a chemical addiction to a person, your right now experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This sucks incredibly and nobody can really help you with this. Just know that in time the symptoms will disappear and you'll start to feel good about yourself again. A excersize you could try that might alleviate the 'symptoms' a bit; Visualize the perfect female counterpart for you, imagine vividly how she would look, how she would behave, the things she says to you. Imagine how you two meet, make it very romantic if thats your cup of tea (or very erotic if you'd like that). Than imagine what the relationship would be like, how you would feel. Do this once a day for like 15 minutes and I promise you you'll feel atleast slightly better. If all else fails get angry at her and than try the excersize again...
__________________ Don't think...Act |
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07-24-2007, 02:35 PM
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| toasterwater, you're in a tough spot. It can't be easy being in the military, stationed anywhere, and it's completely understandable how you're feeling. My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you lots of love and water for your inner plant! You recognize that that woman was not the right woman for you (it sounds like she's not the right woman for any man until/unless she gets her integrity together). And the right woman is alive right now and going through all the experiences she needs to be ready for the perfect relationship with you, just like you are going through all the experiences in your own life that are sculpting you into the perfect man for her. So please take care of yourself, maintain your integrity, and do all the things you know you must do to fulfill your own personal mission. And keep your eyes and heart open! Meanwhile, keep posting here and we will do our best to help you feel connected and loved. Lots of love to you on the other side of the world, angela |
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07-24-2007, 04:07 PM
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| I'll save the advice and just tell you I'm wishing you well. I very much hope you'll find the friends you need to help you through this.
__________________ A truly open mind will seriously consider all points of view, even those with which it strongly disagrees for there may be a grain of truth in even the most ridiculous of opinions. |
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07-24-2007, 04:20 PM
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| I second what Freelancer said, you are being very hard on yourself. Try to give yourself a break because this is a tough situation. I know it sucks and doesn't at all seem like it right now, but it's true that time does help. For the moment, look into that professional help. Just having a real life person to talk to can bring some relief. Being stationed overseas is always difficult and adding in what you are going through it's doubly hard. I add my well wishes to those that came before. I am sending lots of love to you.
__________________ We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. - John W. Gardner |
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07-24-2007, 05:42 PM
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| First of all, I'm channeling a lot of love out to you. Second, make sure you accept it and savor it. Third, I know how you feel, and you need to retreat into yourself as long as you're in the military. Fourth, you are the one who is making all this pain, and that's a hard thing to realize, I know. But just try making some pleasure for yourself... Remind yourself just how incredible of a woman you really deserve. Think of your absolute ideal woman, channel your higher self into this woman in your mind, and enjoy the ride... I've done this meditation before, which is known as awakening your Divine Lover. She doesn't need to be humanoid if you don't want her to be. She can have talents that are impossible in real life. The thing is, as far as your higher self is concerned, this is real, and she isn't wasting time nursing you back to emotional health. This is a separate entity, and with enough practice, you will physically feel her touch, and sense her smells, sounds, and all that stuff. Have fun! Try to do this in your off time, especially if you have no friends. If you have a chance to talk to people, definitely do that, but take care of yourself, and don't masturbate, because then all that positive energy will go away. ~ David
__________________ My Website is a simple idea: Every time I learn a life lesson, Every time I see a vision of positive possibility and love for the world, Every time I get a radical idea for something special, I will put it up here.  Enjoy! P.S.: Please click the ads just a bit...  |
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07-24-2007, 08:42 PM
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 AHHHHHHH!!!! I swear if it was possible for my head to explode from confusion, it would. At 430 this morning I recieved a text message (i didnt realize this until i actually got up at 530). "I cant sleep because I miss you, can I come over right now?" Of course, because im retarded, I responded to this text when i got up, saying that i missed her text in my sleep, but she is always welcome to come over. I dont know when she will get that, but it doesnt really matter cuz im getting ready to go to work anyway... Thank you all for your responses (and love), Im not going to comment on them just yet, because i do need to get ready for work, but i will do that later. |
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07-24-2007, 10:26 PM
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| Hi toastwater, It seems like getting back together with your fiancee is a more attractive option than looking for new friends. It seems easier and nicer to self. When getting back together with your fiancee no longer looks MORE attractive than seeking out others, you'll begin to move forward. That said, I believe in wait time. In wait time you explore and just see what happens until you get yourself to go or do something else. |
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07-25-2007, 12:36 PM
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| hooked on crack Quote:
I used this drug for quite a while, and it was good to me... well, we had our ups and downs. Now I cannot have this drug, but i want it terribly. I know that it is bad for me, but i cannot explain why, i just want it. Every once in a while, i get a small fix, and it makes me happy. I start to think that i will have more, but it eludes me further. I go days, weeks, even a full month without getting my fix, and it hurts. No matter how much I (and my good friends... oh, and anyone else who knows whats going on and has half a brain) know that this drug is bad for me... not just bad, but terrible for me... I still crave it... I cannot stop craving it, so i always try to get some, but the more i try, it seems, the more it eludes me. The high i get from this drug is the feeling of being loved... Oh how i miss that feeling. . . |
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07-25-2007, 01:05 PM
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| David Wilcox's Strong Chemistry caught that feeling perfectly: I got a weakness for strong chemistry One touch - all my resolutions change I can say this is no good for me But I'm back for more of the same High on the ecstasy - medication against the pain Our bodies fit desperately together Like a needle against a vein I think it's interesting you associate the feeling you get from her with love... 'cause it shore don't sound like love to me! I read "He's Just Not That Into You" a few years ago, and while it's written for women, there are some truths that may help you. If someone is into you, they will: be there when they say they will, regularly stay in touch, want to be with you, etc., etc. It sounds like she's just not that into you... but wants to string you along, just in case her current playmate doesn't work out. I can tell, you're better than that! Hope you learn to find that love you seek *within* - then it won't be affected by what anyone around you is doing. |
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07-25-2007, 04:39 PM
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| Quote:
Drug addicts have a tough time finding something that replaces the experience, you can just visualize the perfect female and get the same feeling... Just remember its 'just' a feeling, your not actually being loved...
__________________ Don't think...Act |
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07-25-2007, 05:07 PM
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| I don't know that much about cocaine, but I can understand lonliness. Eventually I got to a point where I got so lonely and depressed that I was fed up with it. All it takes is time. And remember you're never really alone. If nothing else, the people on this fourm are here for you! Concentrate on something positive (to fill your mind with that), like the visualizations others have suggested. It's not our life circumstances that make us happy or sad, it's what we bring to them. Hang in there!  |
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07-28-2007, 04:30 PM
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| youre here for me? well, i appologize for not responding to everyones individual posts, but i am going crazy... i am hit with sudden bursts of depression, and sudden bursts of rage, and i dont know what to do... if you have something to say, please say it. i may schedule an appointment with a proffessional this week, but untill then, im on my own. i talked to her. i told her (well, we talked for a while, but the result was...) that we could either end our relationship, and never see eachother again, or she could actually TRY and we could stay "together"... she said that she would try. So far, she answers most of my texts, but has not yet spent any time with me I know that i shouldnt even be wasting time on her, because it is just setting me back in my whole recovery process, but im retarded, so i do it anyway. please tell me something good... |
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07-29-2007, 03:25 AM
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 hmmm... been thinking... I go through all of this mental anguish because i want someone to love me... so really, the root of my problem is me... I WANT someone to love me. Can i change that?... What I really wish i could do is NOT want someone to love me. I want to be content without anybody's love. If i can do that, then I wont have to feel this depression/anger all the time. I wont have any reason to. I have no lover, but i want one... therefore I get depressed and angry. If i have no lover, but i DONT want one... then i will have nothing to be depressed and angry about. I need to work on this, please help if you have any advice on how i can accomplish this. This desire for love is a crippling weekness, and i must find a way to eliminate it from my being. |
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07-29-2007, 04:35 AM
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| Your Loss May Be A Gift I am brand new to this site. Despite the best of intentions, we all approach problem solving with our own biases. Being aware that we have them helps. First of all, I am truly very sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I want to tell you a little story though. I am a 50 year old man and have been married for almost 20 years. I am reasonably successful, reasonably educated and so is my spouse. I have a wonderful 15 year old son. I have been separated for 20 months and it is apparent that my marriage is over notwithstanding the patience, kindness and maturity that I've demonstrated (largely for the sake of my son). The exact same experiences that you are confronted with are borne from the character of your girlfriend. The fact that she is doing this now is highly probative of the fact that she can and will do this in the future. The thing is, I was once a young man too and thought that "today" was "forever". But it's not. I have two homes that are paid for, an adolescent son and a spouse that is exhibiting the same behavior as your girl friend. To be honest, I would endure anything for my son. At this point, he understands the situation and I have to file for divorce. What I'm saying is, and please forgive me if it sounds shallow, you are a young and healthy man. The pain that you're feeling is just a mask and you have an opportunity to learn many things about yourself. I work with seriously emotionally distrubed children, adolescents and adults. I finally understand, "there but for the grace of God go I". So many people would give anything to be young or healthy, or able to travel. You don't see it, feel it, smell it or taste it, but the truth is that you're a very lucky person. Because you will me wiser and smarter from this, you will select people with the same engergy, interest, respect and appreciation for you, themselves and life. Right now, life is a hard job and the hours are a bitch. I wish you all the luck in the world and wish that you could see that it's already on it's way. Take care |
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08-01-2007, 01:32 AM
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| I am also in a similar place. It is easy to fall into the trap of "taking whatever you can get", and not opening yourself up to new possiblities. That someone could really love you and treat you kindly, unlike your fiancee. Maybe part of this, is that you don't respect yourself as much as you should? All I know, is that you deserve love. I truly you hope you find someone who can give you the love you need and more. Persist, and it'll all work out. |
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08-02-2007, 09:40 AM
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__________________ "I read, I interpret, I think, I criticize, I oppose, I listen, I write, I question, I reply, I quote, I tell, I name, I discuss, I interpolate..., I learn, I teach, I live, therefore I am." -- Marc-Alain Ouaknin, "Mysteries of the Kabbalah", p383. Favorite Essays I Wrote: love, identity & growth, economics, education, equality, definitions. Recent Books I liked: Anansi Boys, Fly By Night, Hyperion. |
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08-02-2007, 11:32 AM
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| Quote:
How do you fix yourself if you don't know what is really wrong with you?
__________________ Mild Charity's glow, to us mortals below, Shows the soul from barbarity clear, Compassion will melt where this virtue is felt, And its dew is diffused in a Tear. - Lord Byron, "The Tear" |
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08-02-2007, 11:54 AM
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| Quote:
What he's doing is letting energy fester inside him without release and becoming poisoned by its lethargy. In social relationships, this energy is burnt and recycled through interaction and sex. Outside of that, you have to take either physical or mental action. It's not a sufficient replacement, but it's a substantial one. It has the useful, further effect of forcing him to keep himself vaguely healthy despite the poison as well as filling out both physical and mental muscles, which happens to be a good investment when you can't seem to find anything better to do with your time than mope.
__________________ "I read, I interpret, I think, I criticize, I oppose, I listen, I write, I question, I reply, I quote, I tell, I name, I discuss, I interpolate..., I learn, I teach, I live, therefore I am." -- Marc-Alain Ouaknin, "Mysteries of the Kabbalah", p383. Favorite Essays I Wrote: love, identity & growth, economics, education, equality, definitions. Recent Books I liked: Anansi Boys, Fly By Night, Hyperion. Last edited by Michael Chui : 08-02-2007 at 11:57 AM. |
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08-02-2007, 01:19 PM
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| Look to the future Your not in a bad situation at all, and I'll tell you why. You are single, young, and unattached. You have your whole life ahead of you to become the person you want to be. My best advice for you is to start focusing inwardly and learn to love yourself. Work on you. Whoever you attract NOW, will be just exactly like your current fiance. Spot on match. You attract situations, things, and people in life base on what you are giving. If you are giving feelings of desperation, neediness, lonliness, and low self-confidence you''ll attract the person over and over again who'll walk all over you. Again, work on yourself. Remember, you are special and unique and there is just one like you. You are content being in the same room as yourself because you love yourself so damn much, right? Well, you don't feel this way now, but you'll learn to start loving yourself in this way. When you get to this point, then the person who'll treat you right will come in your life. You have to look to the future. |