i just wanna be loved...

[toasterwater]

Im in the military, stationed in japan (and have been here for about a year). I came here completely alone, and have not really made any GOOD friends. My fiancee joined the military and got stationed here a few months ago.

Right before she came here, she lost (or, it was supposedly stolen) the $2500engagement ring. Since she has been here, she has cheated on me (she was "talking to" her ex, and saw him a couple of times, and kissed im "once") and ever since then, we have barely seen eachother. I forgave her for cheating on me after I talked to her about it and found out that after she kissed him she promptly left due to it "feeling wrong"... because it was not me. BUT.... she has since then stood me up countless.... countless times, she has seemingly ignored most of my calls/texts, and in general doesnt seem to care about me at all.

I know in my mind that this relationship is garbage, and well... effectively non existant, but i am so desperately lonely over here, that I can't help but to miss her. So i still talk to her, and when she tells me that we will "see eachother tonight" or whenever, i sometimes still believe her, even though she never follows through. The only times i have seen her in the past month are the times that I found her (no, im not stalking her, by found, i just mean that she was home when i came to her door). Even just today i spoke to her and she said that she wanted to see me after work tonight. I didnt expect it to happen (cuz she said the same thing last night, and didnt show) but i called her when i got off work anyway. No answer. I left her a text telling her to call me, but of course, still no answer. And i dont expect i will get one tonight.

I could go into more detail about this relationship, but i think you must get the point by now. The relationship is over. I am her "Ex-Fiancee". But i am still in some sort of twisted denial, so i still try. She will be leaving for Iraq in a couple of months, and she will not come back to this island (except for a couple of weeks) until i am gone, and back in the states.

I already explained that i KNOW the reason i am clinging on to this relationship, or lack thereof.... because i have no one over here... but i cant help but continue to hope, and try to see her.

I dont even know why I am writing this post... i dont really expect someone to have some miracle solution to my problem (oh, if you cant tell by now, my problem is that i am terribly lonely, bored, and feel a crushing lack of love ALL THE TIME).

I could probably predict all of the advice i may or may not get in this post anyway: make friends, get a hobby, do something productive, forget about that girl (or on the opposite side of the coin, talk to that girl), and undoubtedly someone will suggest that i seek professional help before i kill myself (and yes, I am considering seeking counseling from the mental health clinic, but no, unfortunatly i will never have enough balls to kill myself... okay, maybe that is a fortunate thing, although it doesnt feel all that fortunate right now). [sorry for the paragraph long run on sentence ]

So what do i ask for from you, the helpful, wise, compassionate, sympathetic reader? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! I have no hope that anything will help, but if you wanna try, at least i will have a little something to occupy my time...

I appologize in advance because i know that i may have just inadvertantly insulted all of you, but i mean no hard feelings.

Here, maybe this will be worth something: PLEASE HELP ME GOD, I AM GOING INSANE FROM LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION AND A LACK OF LOVE! WATER ME PLEASE, CUZ THIS PLANT IS DYING... painfully


oh yeah, and no one needs to tell my how much of a baby i am being, cuz trust me, i am rediculously embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being such a bitch (please excuse the profanity).

[Freelancer]

First of all;
STOP BEING SO GODDAMN HARSH ON YOURSELF...

You are not being a winy bitch, you have every right to feel lonely and your clearly still attached to the girl...

Love is a bit like a chemical addiction to a person, your right now experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This sucks incredibly and nobody can really help you with this. Just know that in time the symptoms will disappear and you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

A excersize you could try that might alleviate the 'symptoms' a bit;
Visualize the perfect female counterpart for you, imagine vividly how she would look, how she would behave, the things she says to you. Imagine how you two meet, make it very romantic if thats your cup of tea (or very erotic if you'd like that). Than imagine what the relationship would be like, how you would feel.

Do this once a day for like 15 minutes and I promise you you'll feel atleast slightly better. If all else fails get angry at her and than try the excersize again...

[Angela]

toasterwater, you're in a tough spot. It can't be easy being in the military, stationed anywhere, and it's completely understandable how you're feeling. My thoughts are with you and I'm sending you lots of love and water for your inner plant!

You recognize that that woman was not the right woman for you (it sounds like she's not the right woman for any man until/unless she gets her integrity together). And the right woman is alive right now and going through all the experiences she needs to be ready for the perfect relationship with you, just like you are going through all the experiences in your own life that are sculpting you into the perfect man for her.

So please take care of yourself, maintain your integrity, and do all the things you know you must do to fulfill your own personal mission. And keep your eyes and heart open! Meanwhile, keep posting here and we will do our best to help you feel connected and loved.

Lots of love to you on the other side of the world,
angela

[Matthew Shea]

I'll save the advice and just tell you I'm wishing you well. I very much hope you'll find the friends you need to help you through this.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I second what Freelancer said, you are being very hard on yourself. Try to give yourself a break because this is a tough situation. I know it sucks and doesn't at all seem like it right now, but it's true that time does help. For the moment, look into that professional help. Just having a real life person to talk to can bring some relief.

Being stationed overseas is always difficult and adding in what you are going through it's doubly hard. I add my well wishes to those that came before. I am sending lots of love to you.

[XeutonMojukai]

First of all, I'm channeling a lot of love out to you.

Second, make sure you accept it and savor it.

Third, I know how you feel, and you need to retreat into yourself as long as you're in the military.

Fourth, you are the one who is making all this pain, and that's a hard thing to realize, I know. But just try making some pleasure for yourself... Remind yourself just how incredible of a woman you really deserve. Think of your absolute ideal woman, channel your higher self into this woman in your mind, and enjoy the ride...

I've done this meditation before, which is known as awakening your Divine Lover.

She doesn't need to be humanoid if you don't want her to be. She can have talents that are impossible in real life.

The thing is, as far as your higher self is concerned, this is real, and she isn't wasting time nursing you back to emotional health.

This is a separate entity, and with enough practice, you will physically feel her touch, and sense her smells, sounds, and all that stuff.

Have fun! Try to do this in your off time, especially if you have no friends. If you have a chance to talk to people, definitely do that, but take care of yourself, and don't masturbate, because then all that positive energy will go away.

~ David

[toasterwater]

AHHHHHHH!!!!

I swear if it was possible for my head to explode from confusion, it would.

At 430 this morning I recieved a text message (i didnt realize this until i actually got up at 530).

"I cant sleep because I miss you, can I come over right now?"

Of course, because im retarded, I responded to this text when i got up, saying that i missed her text in my sleep, but she is always welcome to come over. I dont know when she will get that, but it doesnt really matter cuz im getting ready to go to work anyway...

Thank you all for your responses (and love), Im not going to comment on them just yet, because i do need to get ready for work, but i will do that later.

[Love]

Hi toastwater,

It seems like getting back together with your fiancee is a more attractive option than looking for new friends. It seems easier and nicer to self. When getting back together with your fiancee no longer looks MORE attractive than seeking out others, you'll begin to move forward. That said, I believe in wait time. In wait time you explore and just see what happens until you get yourself to go or do something else.

[toasterwater]

Love is a bit like a chemical addiction to a person, your right now experiencing withdrawal symptoms. This sucks incredibly and nobody can really help you with this. Just know that in time the symptoms will disappear and you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

that seems pretty accurate. I would compare my current condition to an addiction to cocaine (i have a good friend who was addicted to coke, so i know a little bit about it).

I used this drug for quite a while, and it was good to me... well, we had our ups and downs. Now I cannot have this drug, but i want it terribly. I know that it is bad for me, but i cannot explain why, i just want it. Every once in a while, i get a small fix, and it makes me happy. I start to think that i will have more, but it eludes me further. I go days, weeks, even a full month without getting my fix, and it hurts. No matter how much I (and my good friends... oh, and anyone else who knows whats going on and has half a brain) know that this drug is bad for me... not just bad, but terrible for me... I still crave it... I cannot stop craving it, so i always try to get some, but the more i try, it seems, the more it eludes me.

The high i get from this drug is the feeling of being loved... Oh how i miss that feeling. . .

[carenkh]

David Wilcox's Strong Chemistry caught that feeling perfectly:

I got a weakness for strong chemistry
One touch - all my resolutions change
I can say this is no good for me
But I'm back for more of the same
High on the ecstasy - medication against the pain
Our bodies fit desperately together
Like a needle against a vein

I think it's interesting you associate the feeling you get from her with love... 'cause it shore don't sound like love to me! I read "He's Just Not That Into You" a few years ago, and while it's written for women, there are some truths that may help you. If someone is into you, they will: be there when they say they will, regularly stay in touch, want to be with you, etc., etc. It sounds like she's just not that into you... but wants to string you along, just in case her current playmate doesn't work out. I can tell, you're better than that!

Hope you learn to find that love you seek *within* - then it won't be affected by what anyone around you is doing.

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by toasterwater

that seems pretty accurate. I would compare my current condition to an addiction to cocaine (i have a good friend who was addicted to coke, so i know a little bit about it).

I used this drug for quite a while, and it was good to me... well, we had our ups and downs. Now I cannot have this drug, but i want it terribly. I know that it is bad for me, but i cannot explain why, i just want it. Every once in a while, i get a small fix, and it makes me happy. I start to think that i will have more, but it eludes me further. I go days, weeks, even a full month without getting my fix, and it hurts. No matter how much I (and my good friends... oh, and anyone else who knows whats going on and has half a brain) know that this drug is bad for me... not just bad, but terrible for me... I still crave it... I cannot stop craving it, so i always try to get some, but the more i try, it seems, the more it eludes me.

The high i get from this drug is the feeling of being loved... Oh how i miss that feeling. . .

Thats why I suggest you try the visualization excersize, make it a fun thing to do everytime you crave the feeling.
Drug addicts have a tough time finding something that replaces the experience, you can just visualize the perfect female and get the same feeling...

Just remember its 'just' a feeling, your not actually being loved...

[Victoria]

I don't know that much about cocaine, but I can understand lonliness. Eventually I got to a point where I got so lonely and depressed that I was fed up with it. All it takes is time. And remember you're never really alone. If nothing else, the people on this fourm are here for you! Concentrate on something positive (to fill your mind with that), like the visualizations others have suggested. It's not our life circumstances that make us happy or sad, it's what we bring to them. Hang in there!

[toasterwater]

youre here for me? well, i appologize for not responding to everyones individual posts, but i am going crazy... i am hit with sudden bursts of depression, and sudden bursts of rage, and i dont know what to do... if you have something to say, please say it. i may schedule an appointment with a proffessional this week, but untill then, im on my own.

i talked to her. i told her (well, we talked for a while, but the result was...) that we could either end our relationship, and never see eachother again, or she could actually TRY and we could stay "together"... she said that she would try. So far, she answers most of my texts, but has not yet spent any time with me

I know that i shouldnt even be wasting time on her, because it is just setting me back in my whole recovery process, but im retarded, so i do it anyway.

please tell me something good...

[toasterwater]

been thinking... I go through all of this mental anguish because i want someone to love me... so really, the root of my problem is me...

I WANT someone to love me.

Can i change that?...

What I really wish i could do is NOT want someone to love me.

I want to be content without anybody's love. If i can do that, then I wont have to feel this depression/anger all the time. I wont have any reason to.

I have no lover, but i want one... therefore I get depressed and angry.

If i have no lover, but i DONT want one... then i will have nothing to be depressed and angry about.

I need to work on this, please help if you have any advice on how i can accomplish this.

This desire for love is a crippling weekness, and i must find a way to eliminate it from my being.

[digitaldoorbell]

I am brand new to this site. Despite the best of intentions, we all approach problem solving with our own biases. Being aware that we have them helps.
First of all, I am truly very sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I want to tell you a little story though.

I am a 50 year old man and have been married for almost 20 years. I am reasonably successful, reasonably educated and so is my spouse. I have a wonderful 15 year old son. I have been separated for 20 months and it is apparent that my marriage is over notwithstanding the patience, kindness and maturity that I've demonstrated (largely for the sake of my son).

The exact same experiences that you are confronted with are borne from the character of your girlfriend. The fact that she is doing this now is highly probative of the fact that she can and will do this in the future. The thing is, I was once a young man too and thought that "today" was "forever". But it's not. I have two homes that are paid for, an adolescent son and a spouse that is exhibiting the same behavior as your girl friend. To be honest, I would endure anything for my son. At this point, he understands the situation and I have to file for divorce. What I'm saying is, and please forgive me if it sounds shallow, you are a young and healthy man. The pain that you're feeling is just a mask and you have an opportunity to learn many things about yourself. I work with seriously emotionally distrubed children, adolescents and adults. I finally understand, "there but for the grace of God go I". So many people would give anything to be young or healthy, or able to travel. You don't see it, feel it, smell it or taste it, but the truth is that you're a very lucky person. Because you will me wiser and smarter from this, you will select people with the same engergy, interest, respect and appreciation for you, themselves and life. Right now, life is a hard job and the hours are a bitch.

I wish you all the luck in the world and wish that you could see that it's already on it's way.

Take care

[blueflame]

I am also in a similar place. It is easy to fall into the trap of "taking whatever you can get", and not opening yourself up to new possiblities. That someone could really love you and treat you kindly, unlike your fiancee. Maybe part of this, is that you don't respect yourself as much as you should? All I know, is that you deserve love. I truly you hope you find someone who can give you the love you need and more. Persist, and it'll all work out.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by blueflame

That someone could really love you and treat you kindly, unlike your fiancee.

Everyone in the world is capable of loving and being kind to everyone else. However,

Originally Posted by blueflame

Maybe part of this, is that you don't respect yourself as much as you should?

This gets in the way. In all my years, I have come to the conclusion that all relationship problems are problems on part of the individuals involved. Relationships are easy; people are hard.

Originally Posted by blueflame

I truly you hope you find someone who can give you the love you need and more. Persist, and it'll all work out.

And this is the fantasy that keeps people from fixing themselves while moving from lover to lover.

Originally Posted by toasterwater

I want to be content without anybody's love. If i can do that, then I wont have to feel this depression/anger all the time.

Use your depression and anger as fuel. Convert it into something positive. Do something physically challenging. Learn Aikido or Karate; you're in the perfect place to do so. Take jogs, lift weights, anything. Study harder. Focus better.

[Bitsy]

Originally Posted by Michael Chui

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueflame
I truly you hope you find someone who can give you the love you need and more. Persist, and it'll all work out.


And this is the fantasy that keeps people from fixing themselves while moving from lover to lover.

Use your depression and anger as fuel. Convert it into something positive. Do something physically challenging. Learn Aikido or Karate; you're in the perfect place to do so. Take jogs, lift weights, anything. Study harder. Focus better.

Is that how he can fix himself?
How do you fix yourself if you don't know what is really wrong with you?

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Bitsy

Is that how he can fix himself?
How do you fix yourself if you don't know what is really wrong with you?

From personal experience, I can tell you that knowing what's wrong with you is actually completely irrelevant to fixing yourself. You don't need to know what's wrong with you; you need to know how to fix it. These are different pieces of knowledge. Connecting them is the science of being a doctor. But if I tell you that you have cancer, that doesn't mean I can fix it. If I tell you that drinking orange juice will cure whatevertheheck you have, then I've given you useful knowledge, even if you don't understand why it works.

What he's doing is letting energy fester inside him without release and becoming poisoned by its lethargy. In social relationships, this energy is burnt and recycled through interaction and sex. Outside of that, you have to take either physical or mental action. It's not a sufficient replacement, but it's a substantial one. It has the useful, further effect of forcing him to keep himself vaguely healthy despite the poison as well as filling out both physical and mental muscles, which happens to be a good investment when you can't seem to find anything better to do with your time than mope.

[Amadeus]

Your not in a bad situation at all, and I'll tell you why. You are single, young, and unattached. You have your whole life ahead of you to become the person you want to be.
My best advice for you is to start focusing inwardly and learn to love yourself. Work on you. Whoever you attract NOW, will be just exactly like your current fiance. Spot on match. You attract situations, things, and people in life base on what you are giving. If you are giving feelings of desperation, neediness, lonliness, and low self-confidence you''ll attract the person over and over again who'll walk all over you.
Again, work on yourself. Remember, you are special and unique and there is just one like you. You are content being in the same room as yourself because you love yourself so damn much, right? Well, you don't feel this way now, but you'll learn to start loving yourself in this way.
When you get to this point, then the person who'll treat you right will come in your life. You have to look to the future.

[kgiuliani]

Go here:

http://www.thework.com/pdf/JYN_4QBW_10_06.pdf

Fill out this worksheet about your girlfriend then ask yourself the 4 questions at the end.

For instructions on how to do The Work you can read through this:

The Work of Byron Katie

It's about awareness of the thoughts that are causing you such turmoil. It really will help - I've done this process numerous times.

[Budhabee]

Yeah...what Amadeus said, I sure would like to see you get a new girl though. Arn't there any gyms you can go to with mixed company or any functions you could go to to meet people. Nothing knocks the thought of an old girlfriend out of your life like a new girlfriend. I mean, I don't know how old you are or anything but shouldn't you be dating around right now. I bet it would make you forget about her in a flash.
Good Luck
Budhabee

[blueflame]

After reading all the reactions to my post, I feel that maybe some of you misinterpreted the meaning of my words. Let me more clearly explain what I meant.
-I never meant that his fiancee is not capable of love. Everyone is capable, but from the description that was given, it appears that she is not very kind to him and not expressing "healthy love"
-Micheal Chui, I don't think I quite understood what you meant when you said persisting was the fantasy that kept people moving from lover to lover. Could you please clarify?
I can also speak from personal experience, that converting anger and negative emotion to physical activity, even a martial art such as Aikido can be very damaging. Anger is a powerful emotion and can push people to stretch themselves past their limits. If you should choose to try this, be careful.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by blueflame

-I never meant that his fiancee is not capable of love. Everyone is capable, but from the description that was given, it appears that she is not very kind to him and not expressing "healthy love"

Which is true, but irrelevant: you aren't talking to her.

Originally Posted by blueflame

-Micheal Chui, I don't think I quite understood what you meant when you said persisting was the fantasy that kept people moving from lover to lover. Could you please clarify?

Believing that The Other Person is at fault means that you find no blame in yourself. Beyond a point of maturity, of course you recognize that blame and flaw exists in both yourself and that Other Person, but most people aren't at that point yet. I'm not at that point, and I know it; I counteract it by intentionally finding no fault in the other person so that I focus my efforts on myself.

Thinking, "I'm fine. She's the problem. I'll find another girl who'll work out for me," does not help. Because you're still the same person.

You are the problem. You are what needs to be fixed. Who you're dancing with is just a warped funhouse mirror. Different people have different warps; you're still you.

Originally Posted by blueflame

I can also speak from personal experience, that converting anger and negative emotion to physical activity, even a martial art such as Aikido can be very damaging. Anger is a powerful emotion and can push people to stretch themselves past their limits. If you should choose to try this, be careful.

I have an anger management problem. I have had it as long as I can remember. I have, by and by, learned to deal with it, but an important part of doing so was the discipline afforded to me by training Shotokan Karate for about a decade and learning how to direct force into a physical release that was, at the same time, controlled and deliberate.

One of the best lessons I learned was how to deliver a punch or kick with everything behind it and freeze it a quarter-inch away from the target, usually human.

Stretching past one's limits is precisely what growth is. All growth consists of being broken and then healing on top of it.

[Leela]

Hey there toasterwater

In the interests of making you feel better, I will admit to things I would never admit to in person to anyone I know.

I made a complete ass of myself over some guy. At least you were engaged to her, this guy wasn't even ever my boyfriend. That was how bad it was.

Yet I would somehow convince myself that the dregs of attention he gave me was somehow proof that he really did love me, only he didn't know it yet.

We have all, at some point in our lives, made the biggest asses of ourselves in the name of 'love'. We may like to delude ourselves into thinking we are these rational, logical beings in complete control of ourselves but those of us who pride ourselves on our 'logic' & 'rationality' have the furthest to fall when our bloody hearts hijack our peace of mind.

The thing is, your mind knows it's a lost cause but your heart hasn't caught up yet. And as you're now discovering, your heart has its own uncontrollable timetable.

I have no great advice to give you except GIVE UP. You can't control your heart so there's no point berating yourself for it. You're behaving completely pathetically, it's true. It's not the end of the world. You are human and you have feelings. Really, it is a beautiful thing.

Some day you will look back at this time in your life and laugh & feel really embarrassed at the same time. C'est la vie.

I could tell you where I am now, happily in a relationship with a wonderful guy; really, really glad it didn't end up working out with the guy I had thought was THE ONE. But that would probably only be really irritating now.

Best of luck buddy. Also, the fact that you know you're being an ass is GREAT. Really. You have no idea how many people I know who don't even have that awareness. They never self-reflect and are doomed to repeat the same mistake over and over and over. That is not you, I assure you.

Best of luck.

xox
Leela

[bluskygirl]

You will move on when you're ready to, but for now here's what I have learned. To preface, I learned this all the HARD WAY (it's how I learn everything) and have been exactly where you are. Don't convince yourself that you should try to "not need" love. Everyone needs love and it's a basic human component.

First, I would say- learn to value yourself and believe that you are worthy of love. Real love... the kind that includes compassion and respect. Once you can truly appreciate your value and the idea that you deserve to be loved like everyone else, then you can create some boundaries for yourself about what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, maybe it's acceptable for her to not text you every time you send her a message, but maybe blowing you off and standing you up on a consistent basis is not.

Once you have some boundaries set, then follow them. No matter who it is or how much you love them or think you need them... if they can't respect you on the level you feel you deserve, then move on. DON'T SETTLE!!!! Don't settle for "almost" or "sort of". In the end you're preventing opportunities for better things to come your way. If she doesn't love you the way you feel you deserve to be loved (and in my opinion she doesn't) then walk away. Yes, it make totally suck for a while and you may be lonely, but when you close that door in your heart to her, it will allow other doors to open (yes I know it's cliche) and you would be amazed at what might happen for you.

That is my best advice. If you allow her to treat you like that, then you're telling her that it's ok- that she doesn't have to respect you. Best of luck. Be strong, because I am absolutely sure that on the other side of this computer you are a compassionate, caring, trusting person who deserves all the love and respect that you're seeking.

[toasterwater]

wow... alot of posts sinse last i checked this. (thank you all by the way)

well, ive got somewhat of an update. I posted before that she said she would "try". Well, I actually saw her the other night. Okay... well, i "saw" her... i wont get into details, but you know what i mean. It was nice to be with a woman again, but now that i think about it... it wasnt really [I]that[I] nice. It would have been alot nicer if i loved her.... Which, at the time i may have actually thought i did, but anyway...

well, after that night, i found out that she has cheated on me ALOT. and not just little one night stands, or drunken mistakes or anything like that... She has had full on relationships with other guys (and now a girl... weird right?) since she has been with me. Even since she has been ENGAGED to me, she had like, 2 other boyfriends. yeah, the long distance thing will never happen again!!

But anyhow... I havent told her yet that I found out about all this stuff... Im still debating how i want to bring it up.... Well, okay, im thinking of bad stuff that none of you wonderful people would approve of (and no, im not talking about killing her, or being violent or anything illegal...) so i wont go into detail about that.

Anyway, I love you all for your input, theres some good stuff in here, really.

I know that i can channel this anger into a physical outlet of some kind (its amazing how easily anger can give your muscles a boost of "pep" if you will). But doing mental, or scholarly activities are difficult still.

I go through cycles of feeling angry, depressed, numb, hopeless, empty, and then extremely angry.

Its hard for me to focus my mental abilities when i feel there is no meaning to my life... when i feel like an empty shell.

Its kinda funny, cuz the worst times for me are when i am not at work. The weekends, after work... even on lunch breaks... At least when im at work my mind is occupied with other stuff (mostly).

I just really wish i could find something that makes me happy...

Bah... ive lost focus, ill write more later... thanks all, and your replies are still welcome, and appreciated

[medaille]

Sir,

You have a LOT of work to do. You are in a situation where life is beating you on the head with a baseball bat and you are not taking the hint.

You have some beliefs that are going to make it very difficult for you to feel better about your life.

I just really wish i could find something that makes me happy...

The high i get from this drug is the feeling of being loved... Oh how i miss that feeling. . .

Every once in a while, i get a small fix, and it makes me happy. I start to think that i will have more, but it eludes me further.

The first belief that you have is that you can't make yourself happy. You feel you need something outside of you to allow you to feel happy. You are completely dependent on what life gives you as to how happy you are. You are choosing to be a dog. You only get what scraps get put in your bowl. You spend all your time and energy praying to god that the master will put some scraps in your bowl. You are not a dog. You are not helpless. You have overcome many obstacles in your past and you will overcome many obstacles in your future. For heavens sake, grow a spine and make an attempt to get what you want. Stopping being a helpless beggar. What woman would possibly want a man who cannot provide for himself? Why would she want to have to support you in addition to herself?

The second belief is that no one loves you? If you believe that no one loves you, that means only one thing. You don't love yourself. Let me repeat that. You don't love yourself. Think about that for a second. How screwed up is that? That is about a billion times more important than the idea that no woman loves you. You should never, ever be in a situation where no one loves you because you should always be able to love yourself.

Its hard for me to focus my mental abilities when i feel there is no meaning to my life... when i feel like an empty shell.

You said it before:

oh yeah, and no one needs to tell my how much of a baby i am being, cuz trust me, i am rediculously embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being such a bitch (please excuse the profanity).

Yes you are being a bitch. I didn't say that you are a bitch, but right now you are being a bitch. What's making you a bitch is the fact that you are feeling like crap and you are saying, "woe is me, how come nothing changes" and you aren't doing anything to fix your situation.


Action Plan
Tell me what you've done to try and fix your situation. We need to see what you've tried to fix your predicament and how that's worked out. Maybe I'm completely wrong and you've been working your ass off and just haven't seen the results yet.

Here's the most important thing. WHAT DO YOU WANT? All you have to do is figure out what you want and keeping making forward progress in trying to achieve it. I think you have two goals that you should be working on simultaneously. One, you need to figure out how to love yourself or failing that how to become a person that you could love.. Two, you need to figure out how to become the person that your ideal partner could love, then figure out how to give her the fullest opportunity to fall in love with you.

Maybe those aren't the right goals for you. I think they're a good starting point.



So, here are some questions that you should answer truthfully and honestly to help you out with loving yourself.

Who do you want to be?

What would be required for you to be completely satisfied with yourself even if no one else on the planet loved you? If you were on a deserted island (I bet your situation feels kind of like that) with no opportunity of any other person to ever come across, what would be required for you to feel happy in that situation?

Describe the purpose of your life? (I know you said that you felt like you had no purpose in life, so consider that another goal so get out into the world and start trying things to see if any of them resonate with you in any happy way. If your life isn't filled with things that strike you as being part of your purpose than for the love of god, try different things.)

You are not happy with your life, so move towards a happier life.

What are you good at? What do you want to be good at? Then become good at them.



For the second goal, and perhaps the goal that is more likely to help (even though in reality it is for the most part the same goal as the first goal)

Describe your ideal woman. Create her in your imagination so vividly that you run your fingers through her hair and taste her skin. How does she look standing next to you? How does she treat other people? What are her best personality traits? does she have any weaknesses that you find cute and charming? What does she need in her life to be happy?

What kind of man does she want (Hey, that's you!)? What does she need from that man, so that she'll be completely fulfilled? What about that man fills her dreams at night and creates a lust so deep inside of her that she's got a sparkle about her that stays with her through her day? Why does she spend all of her time thinking about him? What does he provide for her? How does he fulfill all her needs? What does he do that makes her feel safe and protected so that she can be completely relaxed and comfortable with him?



Ok, I want you to set time aside and answer these questions. The better you answer these questions, the more you'll understand what you need to do to become the person that you love and to become the person that your soulmate will love. Then create a plan to start becoming that person.

[faq]

Originally Posted by medaille

Sir,

You have a LOT of work to do. You are in a situation where life is beating you on the head with a baseball bat and you are not taking the hint.

You have some beliefs that are going to make it very difficult for you to feel better about your life.





The first belief that you have is that you can't make yourself happy. You feel you need something outside of you to allow you to feel happy. You are completely dependent on what life gives you as to how happy you are. You are choosing to be a dog. You only get what scraps get put in your bowl. You spend all your time and energy praying to god that the master will put some scraps in your bowl. You are not a dog. You are not helpless. You have overcome many obstacles in your past and you will overcome many obstacles in your future. For heavens sake, grow a spine and make an attempt to get what you want. Stopping being a helpless beggar. What woman would possibly want a man who cannot provide for himself? Why would she want to have to support you in addition to herself?

The second belief is that no one loves you? If you believe that no one loves you, that means only one thing. You don't love yourself. Let me repeat that. You don't love yourself. Think about that for a second. How screwed up is that? That is about a billion times more important than the idea that no woman loves you. You should never, ever be in a situation where no one loves you because you should always be able to love yourself.



You said it before:

Yes you are being a bitch. I didn't say that you are a bitch, but right now you are being a bitch. What's making you a bitch is the fact that you are feeling like crap and you are saying, "woe is me, how come nothing changes" and you aren't doing anything to fix your situation.


Action Plan
Tell me what you've done to try and fix your situation. We need to see what you've tried to fix your predicament and how that's worked out. Maybe I'm completely wrong and you've been working your ass off and just haven't seen the results yet.

Here's the most important thing. WHAT DO YOU WANT? All you have to do is figure out what you want and keeping making forward progress in trying to achieve it. I think you have two goals that you should be working on simultaneously. One, you need to figure out how to love yourself or failing that how to become a person that you could love.. Two, you need to figure out how to become the person that your ideal partner could love, then figure out how to give her the fullest opportunity to fall in love with you.

Maybe those aren't the right goals for you. I think they're a good starting point.



So, here are some questions that you should answer truthfully and honestly to help you out with loving yourself.

Who do you want to be?

What would be required for you to be completely satisfied with yourself even if no one else on the planet loved you? If you were on a deserted island (I bet your situation feels kind of like that) with no opportunity of any other person to ever come across, what would be required for you to feel happy in that situation?

Describe the purpose of your life? (I know you said that you felt like you had no purpose in life, so consider that another goal so get out into the world and start trying things to see if any of them resonate with you in any happy way. If your life isn't filled with things that strike you as being part of your purpose than for the love of god, try different things.)

You are not happy with your life, so move towards a happier life.

What are you good at? What do you want to be good at? Then become good at them.



For the second goal, and perhaps the goal that is more likely to help (even though in reality it is for the most part the same goal as the first goal)

Describe your ideal woman. Create her in your imagination so vividly that you run your fingers through her hair and taste her skin. How does she look standing next to you? How does she treat other people? What are her best personality traits? does she have any weaknesses that you find cute and charming? What does she need in her life to be happy?

What kind of man does she want (Hey, that's you!)? What does she need from that man, so that she'll be completely fulfilled? What about that man fills her dreams at night and creates a lust so deep inside of her that she's got a sparkle about her that stays with her through her day? Why does she spend all of her time thinking about him? What does he provide for her? How does he fulfill all her needs? What does he do that makes her feel safe and protected so that she can be completely relaxed and comfortable with him?



Ok, I want you to set time aside and answer these questions. The better you answer these questions, the more you'll understand what you need to do to become the person that you love and to become the person that your soulmate will love. Then create a plan to start becoming that person.

best post in the whole darn thread.

Dude!
you are in the military and you are whining about being lonely and not loved????

Can you see that there is a way bigger issue than you and your girl friend going on here. you clearly have other bigger isues you need to look at.

you are choosing to allow this female to drag you around by your dick!
Are you enjoying being a wuss?

Can you spell door mat?


for as long as you lie there and let people walk over you your feelings will remain the same.
Love is not deserved it is given.
but you do have to be open to love.
you are radiating needy and clingy right now.
Love will pass you by while you are in that state.
First thing you need to do is learn to love yourself.
And the first step to doing that is to dump the poisonous snake you are so determined to hang on to before it kills you dead!
Dude you would be better off with Playboy and your hand than to spend one more second thinking about her.

there are tens of thousands of beautiful women out there all waiting for a great guy to turn up in their life. All you have to do is ask.
Be confident. Be truthful. Be trusting. there really isn't much else you need to know.
please remember this!
every woman you see is a potential partner unless she is in a permenant relationship. But she is going to carry on with her life unless you make the move. she is going to assume that you are not interested.
this applies to all women all the time.
the most help you will ever get is a flash of the eye or a bit of body language.
the rest is up to you.


Love n hugs

FAQ

[toasterwater]

okay... i havent posted on this in a while, so i figure ill update you guys. First of all, thank you all for your advice and insight, it is all appreciated.

now... this is my current situation. I met a nice japanese girl less than a week ago. I have gone out with her a couple of times, and we talk on the phone and text eachother. I havent made a "move" yet, but i think i will sometime soon.

Heres the part that you will all want to stone me for: ... I am still seeing my ex every once in a while... you know, the "poisonous snake". Yeah, i dont see her often, but more often than usual, and we text/talk on the phone more often than usual.

BUT... I dont believe that i am emotionally attached to her anymore. I enjoy being with her... and i enjoy the physical pleasures that i can have with her, but i wouldnt say i love her anymore. Actually, I would really say that deep down inside i hate her.

I know that she has been cheating on me the entire time she has been with me because i have read correspondence between her and her other lovers/boyfriends, or whatever you wanna call them.

I am quite confident that she is currently with another woman. She wont admit it, but I have read correspondence between the two, and im pretty sure that good friends dont go on about how much they love and miss eachother as these two do (when they have only been apart for days at the most). And... good friends dont usually talk about being in a "serious relationship" with eachother...

regardless... this is my situation now: I am at the very beginning of what may be a relationship with a japanese girl. She is nice, and she actually acknowledges my existance (maybe this is something girls do only when they first meet a guy.. i dont know). BUT, i also still see my "ex". Now... technically, we have never actually broken up, but i know she has referred to me as her ex, and i would definitely not consider us to be in any kind of healthy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We do talk more often than before, and she does seem to at least make an effort to see me... but once again, that is irrelevant... I AM JUST USING HER FOR SEX!

Okay... so i said it... Maybe you all think i should be stoned for this, but what can i say, i miss having sex with her, and so if i can get it... i will. Now, at a max, this can only last another couple of months, because she will leave in a couple of months, and i will likely never see her again.

So thats my update... oh, and emotionally, im not nearly as depressed as i was when i started this thread. Im still a little ****ed up, but i can manage in this state.