What do you find appealing in a romantic interest?

[Mark Lapierre]

What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest? Why do those qualities appeal to you?

A recent conversation started me pondering on what it was that really attracts us to someone else. Aside from lust. And even with lust, what is it about one attractive person which inspires more lust than another attractive person?

If you believe that love at first sight is possible, what qualities does that love have that other strong attraction doesn't?

[NotesMaeve]

Artistic, witty, in great shape, great kisser, affectionate, good hair, tall, kind, the norm.

Sort of fell into the ol' taking on a trick bit. Drives me insane with his aggressiveness and compassion. Very hot to feel desired.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest?

First and foremost... that person has to seem to be unattainable... I don't want what I can get... I want what I cannot get... The more I pursue a goal... the harder I have to work for it... the more I will appreciate it... same for the object of a romantic quest...

Now, that does not mean that I would be attracted to someone that I could not get because she is already attached to someone else... but to someone whose physical and intellectual qualities are such that she most likely could "get" someone who is way better than I...

The sweetest victories... the most loved and prized possessions are the ones who were most difficult and arduous to attain... and that goes for wars, trophies, possessions, achievements and love...

.

[cela]

Great question, Mark!

I can't really give any objective views, as I married my first love! *awwwww* So, I haven't noticed any common traits in people I've been attracted to 'romantically', because there's only the one! Lust, on the other hand...

Gee, that really added a lot to the discussion, didn't it?

I'll be interested to see what others have to say.

In the very beginning, I guess I found the musician/filmmaker/artist thing appealing, and the sweetness and shyness, and the not giving a flying fig about trying to fit in with whatever's cool at the time.

[cbreeze]

I agree with Shamou. There's nothing/NOTHING like the initial dance, the chase - imperative there be an on-going aura of mystery and wander/wonderlust. Chemicals, resonance, good voice, articulate, communicative, honest, good sense of humor, both quiet and talkative. Enjoys nature, open minded, good kisser, etc., nice face/bod/hair. Positive sense of self. Likes and respects all women. Committal. WHERE DO YOU MEET THIS KINDA GUY??? That's what I was hoping for throughout the years but, my vibes didn't s resonate w/his at the time. Both gotta be ready. Good luck!!!!!

[JimOfferman]

For me it's character, beauty (not magazine-cover-beauty, but the real stuff), committed to living a good life, possitive attitude, someone who respects of my feelings and accepts me as I am. Also, I find I'm only attracted to people who complement and contrast me in some way.

As Shamou already mentioned, there should be a sense of conquest. Someone who is handed to you on a silver platter is just not attractive - no matter how much you crave for love.

[Mark Lapierre]

Good answers so far. I bolded part of the initial post to show what I'd like you to focus on in your answers.

Shamou: Do you still feel that way about your wife now, even after all these years? If you do, what is it that keeps that feeling strong even as you come to learn more and more about her?

Claire: Congratulations on such a wonderful partnership What was it about all those qualities that attracted you to him?

Annah: You probably walk past that guy on the street every day. And he's probably the one you least expect to fit your criteria. So what is it about those qualities that appeal to you? Is there any thread of similarity that ties all those qualities together?

Jim: I just watched Cashback. I think it's a great depiction of real beauty.

To all those who mentioned having to work for the one you desire, if you didn't have to work for their love, but they did challenge you in other ways, would you still be attracted to them? i.e., is it any challenge that increases your attraction, or does it have to be the challenge of winning their affection?

[Lallymac]

I tend to go for unusual types that take time to get to know. Get a bored easily with the normal hum drum sort of muggle. They must have a positive outlook and be strong minded enough to stand a good debate but flexible enough to explore new thinking. The physical part is more difficult because I don't have a favourite body type, look or age. Passionate in the bedroom is a must. Compassionate towards others. Willing to venture into other areas of mind.

The important people in my life have always lit up or glowed, even across a crowed room. When I rewind the visual memories, significant people have been spot lighted and I can remember where they were, who they spoke to and what they did even though at the time I might have been preoccupied and unaware of them. This discovery was made several years ago in hindsight. Now I can rewind recent memories now and spot people who I know will enter my life. I guess I just trust that I'll meet the right people at the right time in the same way that I've know when relationships have reached their 'use by' date. I've parted with my significant exes on good terms and remain friends with them.
Lallymac

[JimOfferman]

Hey Mark!

Thanks for the movie tip. I'll be sure to watch it some time!

As for your more general question: I think it could be any challenge, but I also think that the "make this person want to be in a romantic relationship"-challenge can ever be fully completed.

I don't believe that, once you've "conquered" someone's heart, you can then take that persons's relationship with you for granted. All relationships have an upkeep of some sort. Fail to live up to the upkeep and the relationship falls apart. So, in a way, I guess you'd have to "conquer" that person time and again. Prove to him/her that you're still worthy of being in that relationship. Same goes for friendships, family, colleagues... or at least, that's how I see things.

Btw. I also think that "loving someone" (as a spouse, friend, brother, etc.) is different from "being in a relationship" with someone. I.e. the love I have for my friends is unconditional, but my relationship with them requires effort from both sides. If a friend fails to live up to his/her part of the upkeep, I wil not love that friend any less, but I will probably choose to lower or even abandon my upkeep on that relationship...

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Shamou: Do you still feel that way about your wife now, even after all these years? If you do, what is it that keeps that feeling strong even as you come to learn more and more about her?

She was a beautiful young panther when I met her... she is now a fully mature, classy, intelligent and exciting fully mature feline...

I feel extremely secure about my relationship... however this Dude is not about to take any chance with his treasure... not a day goes by that I don't give my all to that relationship...

I have found that if you work extremely hard at something... you get to be very "lucky" with it...

Danielle

.

[NotesMaeve]

Shamou, she is just stunning! Beautiful eyes.

Personally, these days, nothing turns me on as much as a big sexy brain.

[cela]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Good answers so far. I bolded part of the initial post to show what I'd like you to focus on in your answers.

Claire: Congratulations on such a wonderful partnership What was it about all those qualities that attracted you to him?

That's the $64,000 question, isn't it? That's what you are going to tell me once you've completed your studies! I'd like to know, too.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Shamou, she is just stunning! Beautiful eyes.

Thank you very much for saying that...

Personally, these days, nothing turns me on as much as a big sexy brain.

I completely agree with you... without inner beauty... even a diamond will not sparkle... and what could be sexier then a strong, intelligent and successful women...

.

[elainevdw]

I'm still with my first love, too, but I have a few crushes to go off of.

I'd have to say that an aura of confidence is big for me. Obviously, it's nice thinking that he's not going to crumble at the first sign of adversity -- but also, it's hard to be yourself in a relationship with someone who's not confident, because you spend so much time trying to protect them or bolster them. They're a lot of work.

Humor is great, too... especially if it's the same cheesy sense of humor I have. It's light, fun, easy, and -- if you both have the same, odd sense of humor -- it's something you two can share. Also, if someone understands your humor, they really understand a lot about you and your outlook on life, too.

Can't forget brains, either. I have no interest in hanging around guys who aren't up to, or above, my level. It's fine if they're proficient in a completely different subject than me. For example, I'm an English major working as a web editor and my boyfriend is a business major looking for HR management jobs. But we can still carry on a great discussion, and in fact, I'm constantly learning cool stuff from him because of our different perspectives, and he challenges me to keep thinking in different ways.

And I have to admit that just about every guy I've had a crush on has curly hair. Why? Probably because as a kid, every time my mom saw a curly-haired little boy, she'd coo about how handsome he was going to be. lolprogramming.

[charlottecharade]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

Artistic, witty, in great shape, great kisser, affectionate, good hair, tall, kind, the norm.

Sort of fell into the ol' taking on a trick bit. Drives me insane with his aggressiveness and compassion. Very hot to feel desired.

A question for anyone:

Just curious, what makes a person a great kisser?

[munish]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

beauty (not magazine-cover-beauty, but the real stuff),

What is beauty?

Is being well fed = Beauty?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

A question for anyone:

Just curious, what makes a person a great kisser?

That's an easy one... kissing is subjective... it's quality is determine by the receiver and not by the giver... if you have a high degree of affinity (make it love or passion) toward the kisser... the "kissee" will be overwhelmed... if not... it is simply the meeting of wet lips...

.

[cela]

Well said, Shamou!

[Mark Lapierre]

munish: Aside from Jim's personal opinion, here's a discussion about beauty.

I wonder, would you all say that what attracts you to someone else are qualities that make you feel more "alive"? The qualities may differ from person to person, and the feeling itself may differ, but could that feeling be described as a feeling of invoking passion, zest for life, energy, joy, etc?

Hmm, but I don't know how that would fit in with Elaine's attraction to guys with curly hair. So maybe not. Incidentally, Elaine, don't look at any picture of me, I wouldn't want you drooling and upsetting boyfriend

[cela]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

I wonder, would you all say that what attracts you to someone else are qualities that make you feel more "alive"? The qualities may differ from person to person, and the feeling itself may differ, but could that feeling be described as a feeling of invoking passion, zest for life, energy, joy, etc?

Sure, I'd agree with that. You can't beat the first flush of romance for giving you that 'joie de vivre'. Lust doesn't give you that, I don't think.

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest? Why do those qualities appeal to you?

For me, it's confidence, level-headedness, occasional boyishness and a bit of attitude. Passion for what they do in life. Sense of humour. Ability to tell a good story. Respect elicited from and given to others. And eyes - intelligent and shameless

Why? To me, these qualities are the essence of masculinity, so being a woman I just can't help myself

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

And even with lust, what is it about one attractive person which inspires more lust than another attractive person?

It can be as much about a situation you're as is about a person. For example, when I'm travelling, feeling adventurous and free, somehow more attractive people cross my path. Or is it that I see them and the world differently?

And, the person can't be flirting with me, it kills the attraction. It's the same unattainability thing.

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

If you believe that love at first sight is possible, what qualities does that love have that other strong attraction doesn't?

I've fallen in love at first sight, although I wouldn't be able to explain what it is about that person that made me fall in love with them. It's just the instant you lay your eyes on that person you feel the world around you change. And you know it's never going to be the same.

When I'm in lust, I feel that I want to make out with the cute guy with art-director glasses, but none of this groundshaking world-changing stuff.

[Erki]

What does that confidence thingy mean? I don't even know if I'm confident or not... I guess it eliminates me right here, right now?

[wolfgang]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre
What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest? Why do those qualities appeal to you?

It's about connecting with one another and feeling comfortable around her.

And the more levels I connect with the more the chemistry and electricity comes along for romantic things. For instatnce if we connect with physical attraction and also emotional openness and some layer or spiritual affinity, I find this appealing. That appeals to me because my body likes it, it likes feeling comfort.

It's appealing if my romantic interest shows acceptance and is a good listener and is curious who I am. As for type of woman, they are tom boyish, or practical and earthy, active physically, interested in healing or spiritual ideas. I don't know why some of those are appealing to me, except there was a confidence in them or a not worried about who there are, they enjoy themselves and are cheerful, accepting of themselves and what they want. And that I like being around, I enjoy that they enjoy themselves and are comfortable with theirselves.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

I wonder, would you all say that what attracts you to someone else are qualities that make you feel more "alive"? The qualities may differ from person to person, and the feeling itself may differ, but could that feeling be described as a feeling of invoking passion, zest for life, energy, joy, etc?

Hmm, but I don't know how that would fit in with Elaine's attraction to guys with curly hair. So maybe not. Incidentally, Elaine, don't look at any picture of me, I wouldn't want you drooling and upsetting boyfriend

LOL! Well, I wouldn't say that straight hair is a deal-breaker for me... it's just a trend that I've noticed.

Similarly, things I thought would be important -- such as religion -- ended up utterly insignificant.

I wouldn't say that any of the qualities I find appealing make me feel more "alive." I'd say that they make me feel happy and secure.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Erki

What does that confidence thingy mean? I don't even know if I'm confident or not... I guess it eliminates me right here, right now?

Erki, that's a tough question you might want to search in the Emotional Mastery board!

If I were to take a stab at it, I'd say a confident person...

- Doesn't worry too much about what others think, because they know they can make good decisions on their own
- Isn't so defensive that they won't listen to other people's opinions, however
- Is at ease in most situations because they know they have nothing to fear (especially true of social situations)
- Has a purpose
- Likes theirself (though not to a narcissistic degree)

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

Erki, that's a tough question you might want to search in the Emotional Mastery board!

If I were to take a stab at it, I'd say a confident person...

- Doesn't worry too much about what others think, because they know they can make good decisions on their own
- Isn't so defensive that they won't listen to other people's opinions, however
- Is at ease in most situations because they know they have nothing to fear (especially true of social situations)
- Has a purpose
- Likes theirself (though not to a narcissistic degree)

I will speak as one that is attracted to confidence because I endevour to be more like a confident person.

So I'd ask how many people answered something they feel apealling is also something that they are looking to be better at? Like, attraction to teachers, or to the life situation another offers, which can exist with peers too?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by munish

What is beauty?

Is being well fed = Beauty?

I suppose that, in part, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... so if you consider well fed beautiful, then yes.

To my mind, (true) beauty amounts to a person radiating a certain amount of self-love. You can see that this person is not ashamed of her reflection, but rather proud of how she looks and the way she presents herself to the world is very deliberate. Someone who sees herself as sexy is far sexier than someone who may have better 'equipment', but doesn't see herself as being beautiful.

I guess that's what it boils down too: ugly people see themselves as being ugly, beautiful people see themselves as being beautiful.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest? Why do those qualities appeal to you?

Common qualities I've noticed:

Tom-boyish, either when they were younger or currently. I'm more into (long distance) hikers because their attitudes have shifted from having themselves perceived in a perfect environment to one where they accept themselves however they are... It's ok to be dirty, to sweat, to smell, not showered in days... The ones I choose can also go girlie on me in an instant... the makeup, the shoes, clothes and I like that they're so versatile.

The ability to come from a deep level within themselves; not hide anything. That takes a lot of courage. If they don't come with this they learn to quickly since I see their stuff anyway. (lol... cuz it's my stuff)
This helps me be me. I like to feel I can share anything in my awareness, and go from there.

Typically there is a creative spark active in them: they make things with their hands, they are good with words or writing, or they are artists. This isn't something I look for, but it always seems to be there.

lol... just thought of this... typically my girl is a Leo or Aries too. I'm not familiar with the attributes of those signs but that is a commonality I see.

They're all beautiful ... and why not?
I always choose thin, athletic, or slightly curvey girls. Why does that appeal to me? No reason.... that's what I like. lol.. They cannot crush me when they are on top of my skinny body .

I like long hair too, lets just say anything past the shoulders fits in that category.

On edit: just reading through other's responses... yeah you gotta have brains and be able to laugh. I think this is a hang-out-with-Dharma rule in general, not just related to women.

[carenkh]

Dharma...

They sound like you!

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

To my mind, (true) beauty amounts to a person radiating a certain amount of self-love. You can see that this person is not ashamed of her reflection, but rather proud of how she looks and the way she presents herself to the world is very deliberate. Someone who sees herself as sexy is far sexier than someone who may have better 'equipment', but doesn't see herself as being beautiful.

I agree and feel the same way about the men I'm attracted to. Understanding one's own worth is absolutely essential to being both a good lover and good friend.