What do you find appealing in a romantic interest?

[Stu]

You might be interested in this TED video. (I swear TED has a video for every situation) It's great; a really interesting, informative talk on the science of love.

[Ilya]

I'd like to summarize the qualities that evoke the romantic interest in me, but I'll do it later.
Now, I want to share the revelation I've had recently. I've met a girl, and immediately I felt an romantic attraction. I tried to convince myself that nothing is on, until my dear wife pointed out that I'm in love and immediately identified the object of my interest. For the curious ones, no there was no ugly displays of jealousy or scandals. In our relationship it is fine to fell attracted to other people for both of us.
But this time I was curious. I knew nothing of the girl, i didn't know about her intellect, she was not special in any particular way. Still, I completely lost my head.
It lead me to analyze all similar cases in my life and to look for similarities.
To make story short, I found some common facial features that were shared by the targets of my affection. At first I thought that this is my "ideal of beauty", but something was nagging me inside my mind. Some vague thought. I suffered from this for several days, until one of my father's phrases came to my mind and it all became crystal clear, although completely unexpected and somewhat shocking.
When me and my then future wife came to my fathers home for the first time, and me and dad were briefly alone he looked at me with a curious look and said: "She sure looks like you mom at her age". Of course at the time, I brushed it off like stupid Freudian BS. But here I am, few years later and I can't deny that it is true. When I get attracted to someone because of their looks, invariably the body, the haircut, the complection, the facial expressions , all reminds of my mom in her early twenties - the time I was a child.

I'm a little bit shocked. I don't have Oedipus complex, or any sexual attraction to my mother, mind you. I just feel uncomfortable about the role of childhood imprints that they may play in my life. Imprints are the closest thing to programs hardwired into our mind. And since I don't like to be a robot, I had the idea, that I was free from any significant input from imprints. Apparently, I was mistaken. Considering, that my own wife also fits the pattern, imprints do affect the major decisions of my life.
I did not marry her because of her looks, but I did "notice" her because of her looks and it later developed into our relationship.

Does anybody else think that our choices of partners are affected by our childhood imprints?

[carenkh]

Originally Posted by Ilya

Does anybody else think that our choices of partners are affected by our childhood imprints?

The work of Harville Hendrix delved into this, though not from a physical standpoint. He developed Imago Relationship Theory, which basically says our intimate relationships are vehicles for healing our childhood wounds.

His book, Getting the Love You Want, while written for couples, was indispensable to me for clarifying what I want in a partner.

[deathwing9]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

What common appealing qualities have you noticed in those you choose as your beau or belle at the start of exploring a romantic interest? Why do those qualities appeal to you?


If you believe that love at first sight is possible, what qualities does that love have that other strong attraction doesn't?

I love a women thats independent and intelligent that drives me wild because that shows that shes strong and smart and is not emotionally effected by what others say.
I believe in lust at a first sight but not love, Love takes time. Love has complete dedication.

[openeyes]

Charismatic, athletic, and naughty

[Peter S C]

Unlike some of the other replies, I'm not a big fan of the chase. My best relationships have started fairly quickly from an instant mutual connection.

I have always looked for:

Physical attraction - not a particular "type" though... more of a "I know what I like when I see it".
Inner beauty - someone with a kind heart. A good indication is how they treat animals.
Shared interests - my tastes (eg movies and music) are fairly non-mainstream. All my romantic interests have had similar tastes.

[ellie]

For me it's about them being kind, polite, can talk about things and having a sense of humour. Also having some intelligence helps.

If I see that "kind, caring" quality in a guy I'm hooked

[Amandaaa]

If you believe that love at first sight is possible, what qualities does that love have that other strong attraction doesn't?

it's all in the eyes.

and i think it was the combination of his charisma, mysteriousness, kindness, charm, intelligence, confidence, humility, fearlessness, and extremely attractive physique.

i don't know... he was just the perfect blend of everything. he was extroverted yet introverted... shy yet outgoing... eloquent yet quiet... arrogant yet humble... independent yet needy...

he was like one big contradiction, and i think that's what got me.


also- more so than any other guy i've ever met, he has this whole virile "Greek god" thing going on. hahah.
i don't know what it is. he just has a very masculine presence... you can tell that he's a natural leader. people are drawn to him. he's magnetic. and i think that's a really sexy quality.

[oberlee]

Love is a weird thing. I've been in love many times, though never as surely and as concretely as I am with my current partner.

NOrmally, I would say love at first sight is ridiculous because love, ultimately, is a choice. You might not choose to fall, but you choose to stay there. However, we met each other one week before I was leaving for two months, and had NO DOUBT about each other after our first date. The "L" word was mentioned int he second, and expressed wholeheartedly on the 4th. We were strong those two months, and have been these two years. I have no doubt he's the one for me. That doesn't mean it's always easy, but I have such confidence in us that I've never experienced before.

I think we read people's characters when we first meet people, if not psychically (as I do believe) then at the very least we do intuitively, from knowing people's psychology. All I know is that meeting my partner was like meeting someone I knew intimately a long time ago; like how Dorothy must have felt when she woke up and said, "And you were there, and YOU!" It was like I finally met someone who understood my language, for the first time, ever. That's not a concrete definition for you, but it's the best I can do.

Lust was definitely a part of it, but if we're pretty balanced, wouldn't we lust after that which we would need? I think so. I think when you're honest with what you want, and you've hopefully worked out your own demons, that which you need the most will be congruent to what you lust after.

[MmeIntentional]

Honesty , Charismatic, athletic, cheeky, kinky, sexy, dark hair, olive skin, nice accent, openness, shyness, tall (181 cm min makes me go totally crazy) has some sort of passion or drive in life. conversational, quirky, humour, mysteriousness, kindness, great kisser, confidence borderline arrogance, friendship, someone able to make decisions, shows consideration, some who takes pride in his appearance and mental connection.

Yes I do believe that love at first sight is possible as it's happened to me before Weird, I must say as I hated to admit it. but I did say L word.

2 nights ago a new male friend of mine told me that he fell in love with me the first few seconds that I spoke to him. I was very flattering and thanked him but I did not feel the same about him. Even if I'm looking for a new relationship at the mo it's not going to be with him as I have a strong gut feeling that I don't trust him in a dark alleyway. I'm following my gut feeling and will keep well away.


Ilya re:childhood imprints I had an old boss who was in a loving realtionship with her bf at the time but she told me that this that she was with was 100% but she wanted to marry someone like her father and was dead proud of it too. She really looked up to him and saw him as an idol. He passed away years before and knowone could meet his standards.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

2 nights ago a new male friend of mine told me that he fell in love with me the first few seconds that I spoke to him. I was very flattering and thanked him but I did not feel the same about him. Even if I'm looking for a new relationship at the mo it's not going to be with him as I have a strong gut feeling that I don't trust him in a dark alleyway. I'm following my gut feeling and will keep well away.

It seems it's often a bad idea for guys to express their feelings about a woman too early on. Many people are apt to not really see it as genuine, or not take it in a good way. As a result sensitive guys who really want to share their feelings have more trouble than those with little interest in an emotional connection. I tend to handle this by showing my feelings more through action than words now, and only give voice to my feelings about the person after we've really gotten to know each other (if then), even if I feel in love with them after only a couple weeks

[MmeIntentional]

Openeyes
The thing about it is that has a girlfriend and also told me he likes men too. Wanted me to stay the night and just talk (yeah right) wanted to marry me and take me hols etc. tried to kiss me. This man is totally crazy this is the 2nd time that I saw him. Nothing ever happpened. The alarm bells started ring in my head and I went home. We were both drunk and he knows that he won't see me again. .......heavy or what!

The thing is I did IM but for sure NOT with him. The one that I do really want. Well we was at in within an hour of meeting because it felt right

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by MmeIntentional

Openeyes
The thing about it is that has a girlfriend and also told me he likes men too. Wanted me to stay the night and just talk (yeah right) wanted to marry me and take me hols etc. tried to kiss me. This man is totally crazy this is the 2nd time that I saw him. Nothing ever happpened. The alarm bells started ring in my head and I went home. We were both drunk and he knows that he won't see me again. .......heavy or what!

He was definitely a little too needy and uncentered.

[MmeIntentional]

I forgot to mention I find it the biggest attraction apart from looks is when someone is themselve. I'm just like putty in their hands.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Ilya

Does anybody else think that our choices of partners are affected by our childhood imprints?

Not really.

My dad - 5' 4", standard-looking Mexican. (He's biracial, but you wouldn't guess it.) Big sharp nose, decent chin, small dark eyes and dark skin. Sharp cheekbones. Straight, short hair. Angry man who does not like the arts. Not very social. Short legs, long torso.

Slamhot - 5' 10", whiiiiiite boy. You can tell this kid has Dutch roots a mile away. In proportion, cute nose. Curly blonde hair and big blue eyes. Less of a chin on him and light skin. Drummer and pianist who sees the best in everything. Makes many people dissolve in the heat of his charm just by being himself. Short torso, long legs.

My mother and SIL are very different too in appearance, despite both being awesome ladies. Future BIL is nothing like Dad or Mom.

[Chet]

Seems to me a lot of people are falling love on the Internet these days .. that kinda puts looks out of the picture doesn't it?

For me its love when being with someone winds up making me better ..

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."
--Roy Croft

[MmeIntentional]

Originally Posted by Chet

Seems to me a lot of people are falling love on the Internet these days .. that kinda puts looks out of the picture doesn't it?

Tell me about it ! I keep hearing stories of friends of friends geting married and having kids.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Chet

Seems to me a lot of people are falling love on the Internet these days .. that kinda puts looks out of the picture doesn't it?

Not at all. Not at all. Pictures are important, although I don't know if I'd seen a new one of Slamhot before we met? We chatted via email and IM before we hung out, thanks to a mutual friend in another state.

Physical spark is very important. Slamhot didn't sit in my lap on our second date because of personality, and it wasn't his personality that kept me from pushing him off.

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by Chet

Seems to me a lot of people are falling love on the Internet these days .. that kinda puts looks out of the picture doesn't it?

I don't think so. All the dating sites have pictures (as do most of the social networking sites), and studies have shown that people with pictures are far more likely to get responses or contacts than those without.

That said, I think pictures on the Internet can be misleading. I don't know of anyone for whom a few pictures, even if they're varied, is a good representation of what they look like in person. It's not a true depiction of their level of animation, or of how often they smile, or frown, or anything else dynamic.

[Zukin]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

That said, I think pictures on the Internet can be misleading. I don't know of anyone for whom a few pictures, even if they're varied, is a good representation of what they look like in person. It's not a true depiction of their level of animation, or of how often they smile, or frown, or anything else dynamic.

That makes me think of the MySpace Angles.

[Mark Lapierre]

Ed Zachary! And it applies even when people aren't intentionally uploading flattering pictures.

[ellie]

Originally Posted by Zukin

That makes me think of the MySpace Angles.

OMG that is hilarious!

So glad I haven't sucummed to a myspace page.

[MmeIntentional]

Yes I would agree that photo's are very important but I would never meet anyone unless I saw them on webcam first as it's far too easy for people to pretend to be something that they are not (well looks wise at least) You know you get the profile with old photos or men chopping of the top bit of there head so you canld see if the have any hair.

I've got a date tonight from a friendship/dating site. Saw him on webcam and he looks better than the photo's but his voice put me of a little.
For me I think I look good in photo's and even better in person. However saying that my web cam makes me look very very bad and I do have a top of the rage cam

I still think webcams are very good because you can pick up vibes of that person from there body language.

myspace angles, that's a new one for me but funny.

[Strangemagik]

I don't know exactly. I usually fall fast and out of nowhere.

I think a lot of it is in the eyes and the sense of humor. I think voice factors in there too. I can clearly bring back the voice of all my past loves or crushes. Smell too usually.

[Chet]

hmm, so somebody you only talked to on the net .. say met in a forum or chat room that was focused on another subject (not a dating site) - you don't think you could fall in love? And would it matter then what they looked like when you met? And of course the 'chemistry' idea, thats its somehow based on phermones ...

[Mark Lapierre]

Chet: I have fallen in love before meeting someone in the past, but I don't think I could any more, mainly because having solely online communication would mean there's a reason we couldn't meet, e.g., we live in different countries. Having had a couple of long distance relationships I'd prefer not to go that route again.

And yes, face-to-face dynamics, including physical attraction, are important. Both can be built and improved upon over time, but well, sometimes it doesn't go well from the start and that reduces both people's interest enough that it's not worth trying any more. Sad, but it happens. It's far too easy to fall in love with an image that doesn't match the reality, if your communication is solely through text.

[songwriter]

As I think that happens to many people...

I look for someone similar to me. Someone that sees life the way I do. But maybe I'm doing wrong with that.