being open - how do i?

[ballaholic]

I sometimes can't express how i feel. And it's because I've been like this for a long time. But my girlfriend of 4 months has complained to me about not being open enough. am I afraid to confide in her? I don't know. I just know that I'm a quiet guy, and everyone knows that I'm quiet. But I want to be more open, and the transition to being more talkative has been a challenge to me. I'm headed 2 hours west for my post secondary education and she's staying in town. And I'm afraid that communication - on my end - may be the result of a breakup. So what do I do?

[xuan]

Hey! Everyone has skeleton in the closet.

Being open, doesnt mean you have to be talkative. I guess your gf means she hope she could share your gd & bad times, wanna know whats in your heart.
I am quiet when i am with my bf, that makes him think that i am secretive.
Take it easy, you have to feel comfortable before you could share more of yourself. Try different ways to say your thoughts out, don't be afraid that she will judge you or turn away.
If by opening up, may cause break up. I guess this relationship might not be the one for you.

Hope it helps

[charlottecharade]

If you have problems opening up to your girlfriend, could it be because you have trust issues? Or perhaps it isn't because you DON'T trust your girlfriend, it's just because you don't know HOW to express yourself?

I find that I have the opposite problem; I open up way to easily with people, even if I hardly know them. The danger of that is that they can use all the personal information you give them and backstab you in the future. However, that doesn't seem to be the case with you.

My advice would be to just relax and realize that whatever you say will most likely be kept confidential. If you honestly trust her you can believe that she won't spill your secrets to the world once you open up. Just take it one step at a time.

And also, just because you don't share all your secrets or insights does not mean that you don't trust her. It's good to have a bit of mystery in your life!

[Mark Lapierre]

You sound a lot like I used to be. I still sometimes have trouble identifying my feelings, but I don't have much trouble talking about them any more. Expressing them fully through anything other than words is still difficult.

However, I suspect that if you're having trouble talking about how you feel, it's possibly because you have trouble identifying how you feel. Do you think that's true?

Have you tried journaling? I found it very helpful in figuring out what was going on in my head, intellectually and emotionally. It also helped me to start talking with friends who I wasn't romantically involved in. Even without issues of trust, if your girlfriend has complained then you'll probably feel pressured to share, and that will make sharing harder. There won't be that pressure with a considerate friend.

So my advice is to start off with identifying your feelings for yourself, then work on communicating them, starting with people other than your girlfriend if it's hard with her (but I'd also suggest you tell her what you're doing, and more importantly why, otherwise she may think you're fine with talking to anyone other than her, and that will upset her for sure)

[ballaholic]

Originally Posted by xuan

If by opening up, may cause break up. I guess this relationship might not be the one for you.

Hope it helps

sorry, i meant lack of communication

[ballaholic]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

However, I suspect that if you're having trouble talking about how you feel, it's possibly because you have trouble identifying how you feel. Do you think that's true?

Yes. This is exactly it!

So my advice is to start off with identifying your feelings for yourself, then work on communicating them, starting with people other than your girlfriend if it's hard with her (but I'd also suggest you tell her what you're doing, and more importantly why, otherwise she may think you're fine with talking to anyone other than her, and that will upset her for sure)

I've inadvertently done this to her a couple of times by telling other people how I feel... and let's just say she didn't like it. hehe. It looks like you've been in my position before Mark.

Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone. And I'll definitely try writing a journal. I don't know where to start, but I'll try.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

The danger of that is that they can use all the personal information you give them and backstab you in the future.

In the past, I've always found it hard to divulge personal information, precisely because of this fear of getting stabbed in the back with it. However, the truth is that you can't really be stabbed in the back with personal information, because it's just that information about you - it is fact, truth. People cannot attack you with the truth.

They can try and use the truth to provoke actions from you that have undesirable consequences for you. But they can only do that if YOU let yourself be provoked into such actions. The solution then - and this is the hard part - is to not be provoked when you are confronted with one of the skeletons in your closet.

Just be proud that you have a closet, battered and bruised as it may be, and that there are skeletons to be found in it - that just means your life so far has been at least somewhat interesting! I'll show you mine, if you show me yours! :P