Still single at 40: Is this my responsibility?

[C33]

A friend told me, after I mentioned yet another episode of unrequited love in my life ( ages ago ) that maybe I stayed in love with people because I couldn t "have" them.

In the case we were discussing, which happened 5 years ago,I fell in love with someone who was in a relationship( which I didn t know at first), and, kept my love to myself, knowing this person was happy in the relationship. My friend said I should have disclosed my feelings, and questioned the depth of my love.

Is this one's responsibility when they fall for someone who is not returning their love?

Is this my fault if I fall in love once every 2 years?

The last person I fell in love with was 40, with no kids and no prior marriage, decent job, no addictions...same upbringing... a matchmaker's dream, yet after the initial mutual attraction, he just disappeared into thin air, leaving me heartbroken...I agree that my reaction:heartbroken-ness was my responsibility, but my choice could not have been more level headed...For one thing, I was not physically attracted to that person, at first, but intellectually and emotionally drawn to him.

My friend implied that I was shooting myself in the foot, "choosing to fall in love" with partners that were not returning my feelings...

Does one choose to fall in love with a particular person? If one stays in love with someone that cannot give love to them, is it unhealthy attachment, or depth of feeling?

Is working hard on yourself to be deserving of the sort of person you want to be with, having unreasonably high standards?

For example, I want a partner who is healthy in mind and body, free of addictions. In order to deserve such a person, I have worked very hard this past year to get rid, successfully, of a mild food addiction and have lost a large amount of weight... A few years ago, I improved my emotional health through therapy...It seems that I am actively putting myself in the position of attracting healthy, fulfilling love...

I must add that I am the sort of person who is very comfortable being alone. My desire for a partner is not linked in any way to a biological clock ticking or a desperate need for companionship.

I know that there may be a possibility that I will never find romantic love, yet I refuse to settle for less and just be with someone for the sake of it. I value love and want to find something that is real. I would think this is a good point...but it is interpreted, by people like my friend, as being scared of commitment...or being romantically flawed.

I realize that being midly upset by what my friend said shows some insecurity, but I am also opened to the possibility that I am doing something wrong, and that there may be a way to set myself up for success in the love department...

Any thoughts or suggestion of goal setting in this particular field?

[Jill]

Does one choose to fall in love with a particular person? If one stays in love with someone that cannot give love to them, is it unhealthy attachment, or depth of feeling?

Yes, and yes (it's unhealthy attachment) imo.

know that there may be a possibility that I will never find romantic love, yet I refuse to settle for less and just be with someone for the sake of it.

And you never should. This is a GOOD thing!

[Brutha]

Their are 3 levels of responsibilty:

1) Feeling responsible for nothing.
2) Feeling responsible for your results.
3) Feeling responsible for everything.

You should at least be at level 2).

Does one choose to fall in love with a particular person? If one stays in love with someone that cannot give love to them, is it unhealthy attachment, or depth of feeling?

For a lot of people falling in love is an unconscious process.
It is your right to fall in love with people how don't return your feelings. It will produce some misery.
Generally misery isn't healty, but it can motivate you to do certain things.

Their are a lot of people addicted to a lot more unhealty things like smoking.
A smoker can also blaim the cigaretts for doing cetain neurological things to his brain with result in him staying a smoker.
To change something it is important for the smoker do feel that it is his responsibilty that he smokes.

[openeyes]

eHarmony.com can be useful for people beyond their mid twenties looking for a serious commitment. It should make it easier to only be dealing with people who are available and want a similar level of commitment. Also, you'll have a much larger selection of people to deal with if you don't mind them being divorced. A lot of guys who make it to 40 without ever marrying may enjoy their bachelorhood too much to give it up. It seems that a man's interest in marriage decreases with age, while many college women are often set on waiting until they're at least 30 (yes, this may be a gross generalization).