Social drag - how to communicate with a significant other

[justin]

In this post, Steve talks about social drag, or "what happens when you undergo a significant personal shift, yet everyone around you still treats you the same."

I've gone through a few shifts in my own reality over the past few years, which has caused me to look at things in a very different way. I know that many of you can relate. Because of this, social drag became a very real thing for me. I felt that, while I had this new perspective on things, many of my loved ones viewed it as a negative thing--namely my girlfriend of 4 years.

When I would undergo major "leaps" in my outlook, she would immediately notice and react in a negative way. Many times these shifts left me quite literally speechless. She would inquire as to "what was wrong with me," and I could really find no way to respond in a way that communicated what I was feeling. I would often respond very minimally, as I feared the way in which she would react to my change. I found that my fears were justified when I finally opened up and attempted to explain what I was going through. She took the changes as something that was going to change our relationship. A valid concern, I guess, but not the type of response that is going to make me more comfortable in opening up to her in the future.

I'm not looking to change her. I love her the way she is, but I can't help but feel like our relationship is inhibiting my ability to grow as an individual. She seems resistant to change--both in herself (if that's what she wanted), in me, and in our relationship.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you handle it?

[Lotus]

Originally Posted by justin

Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you handle it?

One of the most difficult things for my family to grasp is that I am not an "ill person" anymore. I was very sick, with multiple autoimmune problems -- ulcerative colitis, type 1 diabetes, lung disease, liver disease, hemolytic anemia, loss of hearing at 20 -- but I'm not anymore. They still treat me like I'm made of glass, which (naturally) pisses me off.

One of the things I have to do, consistantly, is say (loudly), "I'm not weak and sick" when my family tries to do things for me, i.e. carrying my luggage or whatnot. Then I follow through by taking over the things they've tried to hijack.

Keep in mind, they do this because they love me and want to protect me. The trouble is getting them to see that I cannot grow stronger if I am denied the opportunity to exercise my new strength.

I can't hold it against them, their intentions are very pure. And the things they do are born out of habit; I'm trying to help them break a habit that has become non-useful for all of us.

---
Speculation:

With your gf, she sees you behaving differently than you have in the past, and because she loves you (I hope) and wishes to protect you and the relationship, she is interpreting or percieving the change in behavior as "bad."

You cannot do much to change her behavior, other than to communicate with her so that she can change her own behavior (if she sees fit), so let's concentrate on you for right now.

My questions to you are:

*Are you putting out "something's wrong" vibes before, after, or during the times you make big changes?

*Are you openly discussing what's going in your head with your gf before, during, and after these changes occur? Do you have generally open disscussion about everything, or do you avoid some topics with her (for any reason at all: she wouldn't be interested in that; that would start a fight; I already know her opinion of x, etc...)

*What kind of changes are you talking about? Did you suddenly become a vegetarian? Did you change or dump a formal religion? Did you go from "someday I want to get married" to "I'm never getting married"? Sorry to be nosy, but knowing the topic might help myself and others to comment better on the situation.

[justin]

Originally Posted by Lotus

*Are you putting out "something's wrong" vibes before, after, or during the times you make big changes?

Perhaps. I typically get quiet when I'm working things out in my head (which can last for weeks), and it is sometimes perceived as "something is wrong," when maybe nothing is actually wrong, I'm just lost in my own thought. I never knowingly put out any sort of vibes before or during, only perhaps after when she reacts in a way that makes me question the strength of our relationship.

Originally Posted by Lotus

*Are you openly discussing what's going in your head with your gf before, during, and after these changes occur? Do you have generally open disscussion about everything, or do you avoid some topics with her (for any reason at all: she wouldn't be interested in that; that would start a fight; I already know her opinion of x, etc...)

No, there are definitely topics I tend to avoid. Not just with her, but with most people. I am most definitely an introvert when it comes to things I consider personal. I'm generally outgoing otherwise. But short answer to this is no, I do not openly discuss what's going on during this time mostly because I've been afraid of her reaction (which, when I have opened up, was justified.) I feel that if I were to just ignore this fear, it could cost our relationship. More importantly, I wonder if this is something that is important enough to give up a relationship for?

Originally Posted by Lotus

*What kind of changes are you talking about? Did you suddenly become a vegetarian? Did you change or dump a formal religion? Did you go from "someday I want to get married" to "I'm never getting married"? Sorry to be nosy, but knowing the topic might help myself and others to comment better on the situation.

I wouldn't consider the changes as major as what you've mentioned. It's mostly me just reading on a new topic (I'm studying Philosophy in university, so it happens pretty regularly) that causes me to perceive the world in a different way. The change is usually temporary, but with the occasional lasting effect. In the midst of the "change" I am typically more quiet and reserved than usual, which leads her to think, "something is wrong." I reassure her that nothing is wrong, that I'm just thinking about whatever--speculating on the rabbit hole that was just opened up for me. I deeply want her to be involved with changes like this; I would love to have conversations with her about these things, but I've tried, and something is keeping us from communicating about it.

Thanks for the thoughts, Lotus.

[Lotus]

Originally Posted by justin

I reassure her that nothing is wrong, that I'm just thinking about whatever--speculating on the rabbit hole that was just opened up for me. I deeply want her to be involved with changes like this; I would love to have conversations with her about these things, but I've tried, and something is keeping us from communicating about it.

Well, as a female, I'm just going to add that quiet boyfriends can be a bit disconcerting. If it were me... I'd want to pick your brain when you got quiet and thoughtful. It's in those midnight conversations on the porch that go on until dawn that you really get a know a person.

But think you caught the jist of where I was going with the communication thing.

Originally Posted by justin

Thanks for the thoughts, Lotus.

My pleasure.


p.s. The answer to "what's wrong with you" is not "nothing is wrong".
The answer is "what do you think about (insert rabbit hole)?"
::smooches:: Good luck to you both.

[Lonewolf]

Maybe the harsh truth is that you are outgrowing your girlfriend - you are becoming dynamic, she is static and therefore no longer on the same wavelength.

[Adam]

What I've found, and I don't know if it is social conditioning or just too much testosterone, is that as a man, I don't deal with my emotions vocally. Women, on the other hand, deal with their emotions almost entirely vocally. (at least, from a male perspective. )

What this means for relationships is that when a man goes off to think, the woman thinks that something is seriously wrong with her, and that is why you aren't talking. What is the natural reaction for any human when they're accused of doing something wrong? The safest answer is "get defensive."

So here you come, back from thinking, with new ideas swimming through your head, and all of the sudden, she's defensive, and you can't figure out why. She honestly believes that you've been holding something against her, while you were just off working through a problem that most likely has nothing to do with her, right?

So, how do we fix this? Well, if you believe all of the relationship books written by women for men, the answer is to share your feelings and be sensitive... Tell me, women... How many of you are actually attracted to a 'sensitive' man? Sure, it's nice at first... but then he seems too clingy... and he's just not 'rugged' enough for you anymore, right? Also, aren't you tired of having to listen to all of your girlfriends' problems, so why should you have to listen to your man's problems?

Here's the answer to all of this, short and sweet...

Keep being a man. Keep going off and brooding, but let your girl friend know that you just need time to think about a problem, and let her know that you're not brooding about her. While you're mulling over things in your head, be available to listen... Women want nothing more than someone to listen to them without having to share equal time listening to someone else's problems. She will notice and appreciate this one small change... simply take the time to let her talk.

Also, for those women out there... when a man says that nothing is wrong, yes, it is a lie... but unlike you, it does not mean that he wants you to fish it out. If he wanted your help, he would have asked for it before you noticed that something was wrong... Guys are bull-headed like that, (I'm certainly no exception) but if you want to make him happy, give him his space so that he can work the problems out... If you leave him alone, he will come back invigorated and ready to tackle any problems that comes his way.

[Ati]

[quote=Adam;9830]
So, how do we fix this? Well, if you believe all of the relationship books written by women for men, the answer is to share your feelings and be sensitive... Tell me, women... How many of you are actually attracted to a 'sensitive' man? Sure, it's nice at first... but then he seems too clingy... and he's just not 'rugged' enough for you anymore, right? Also, aren't you tired of having to listen to all of your girlfriends' problems, so why should you have to listen to your man's problems?
Here's the answer to all of this, short and sweet...
Keep being a man.
/QUOTE]

Great discussion here,

Adam, how about if I add another sort of perspective from the female side of the world? ALL women are not like you describe here. I know that I'm not. I'm happy to listen to my man and I'd rather he feel free (not forced ) to talk about whatever's on his mind. And, yes I like it when I can talk to him.

So I think it's important to find out just what sort of a person I'm with. The common stereotypes, if you will, about men and women can certainly be a starting point, since they do come from a lot of people, no doubt about that. But in each case, I think that finding a good time to just ask "what are you like when it comes to this?", "what do you like/want/need when it comes to things like this?" can go a long way.

It may well be that it is fear of the unknown getting in the way, and finding out just where the best common ground that suits both people is the most important thing...

just my thoughts..

all best,

ati

[Wulfen]

Hey, I have a little experience with this thing

When I was in my twenties I was a real chump. More of a freak than a geek, but with a lot of geeky tones. I was proud of myself but was actually not very manly, insecure in many aspects and totally unable to get a girlfriend. Now in my thirties I am a man, confident of myself, and I can enter a club and approach the hotties and walk away with at least a couple numbers in a slow night, and a smoochie every now and then.

Of course, my old friends hate my guts.

They say they don't (obviously) but their actions tell other story. They try to sabotage me, they really envy me and they always are trying to put me back in my place.

Well, not of them, I've brought some of them to my new reality, and these are now cool with me, but the ones that were left behind, though on the surface seem ok with it, deep down they are bitter because I'm better and they are not. And in the moments of truth, it shows.

Why is this? Because they want the social status quo of having everyone in their place. They want to see the old Wulfen that was shy and insecure, and it flips their switches to see the new me. Their model of the world is shattered now. They saw me as an equal before and now I'm way beyond them, and that threatens their own self-image. It's a fear based attitude, and it has given me a world of pain and disappointment.

What's the best course of action? Sometimes I've tried to change them, to make them see things as I see them now, and some have managed to do it, but many haven't. Whenever I've tried to keep contact with the ones that haven't tried changing, I've ended up regretting it. They have hurted me in many ways, from silly ones like sabotaging a pickup, to very serious ones like backstabbing me in a serious matter and then saying it's my fault because "nowadays Wulfen is so and so and thus deserves what I've done to him".

There might be a perfect solution where I access their minds and I can empathically communicate with them and make them understand the new me, but I don't want to bother. I need the energy for myself, I want to do big things and I don't need the drag. I'm dumping them. Last one has been very recent and painful, but it has to be done.

They are welcome to my reality whenever they want to, but they have to take the first step. I'm not pulling them anymore.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Lotus

Well, as a female, I'm just going to add that quiet boyfriends can be a bit disconcerting. If it were me... I'd want to pick your brain when you got quiet and thoughtful. It's in those midnight conversations on the porch that go on until dawn that you really get a know a person.

Me too Lotus! When our men go too quiet, we know they are thinking of some stuff.

Justin, I guess your gf's probably feeling scared and insecured because of the way you are acting. It may not be due to those changes, but how you treated her in the process of changing.

Keeping silent for days and telling her it's not about her is scary for a girl. And not talking about what you were thinking of and what you got out of those thinking makes her even more defensive that she must be the problem. Or she may start equating to your few days of deep thought as another change which means another possibility of bringing you further from her.

Like you said, she's not involved in all the during and after process.

I think Adam really summarises it very nicely here

Keep being a man. Keep going off and brooding, but let your girl friend know that you just need time to think about a problem, and let her know that you're not brooding about her. While you're mulling over things in your head, be available to listen... Women want nothing more than someone to listen to them without having to share equal time listening to someone else's problems. She will notice and appreciate this one small change... simply take the time to let her talk.

Tell her you love her, and you need to think of some stuff and you are definitely not upset with her. Then share your findings and discoveries on any new perspectives or philosophies with her. You'd be surprised that she may actually have some interesting comments to give if she's brought into this loop.

[TheColonel]

Originally Posted by Wulfen

Hey, I have a little experience with this thing

When I was in my twenties I was a real chump. More of a freak than a geek, but with a lot of geeky tones. I was proud of myself but was actually not very manly, insecure in many aspects and totally unable to get a girlfriend. Now in my thirties I am a man, confident of myself, and I can enter a club and approach the hotties and walk away with at least a couple numbers in a slow night, and a smoochie every now and then.

Of course, my old friends hate my guts.

They say they don't (obviously) but their actions tell other story. They try to sabotage me, they really envy me and they always are trying to put me back in my place.

Well, not of them, I've brought some of them to my new reality, and these are now cool with me, but the ones that were left behind, though on the surface seem ok with it, deep down they are bitter because I'm better and they are not. And in the moments of truth, it shows.

Why is this? Because they want the social status quo of having everyone in their place. They want to see the old Wulfen that was shy and insecure, and it flips their switches to see the new me. Their model of the world is shattered now. They saw me as an equal before and now I'm way beyond them, and that threatens their own self-image. It's a fear based attitude, and it has given me a world of pain and disappointment.

What's the best course of action? Sometimes I've tried to change them, to make them see things as I see them now, and some have managed to do it, but many haven't. Whenever I've tried to keep contact with the ones that haven't tried changing, I've ended up regretting it. They have hurted me in many ways, from silly ones like sabotaging a pickup, to very serious ones like backstabbing me in a serious matter and then saying it's my fault because "nowadays Wulfen is so and so and thus deserves what I've done to him".

There might be a perfect solution where I access their minds and I can empathically communicate with them and make them understand the new me, but I don't want to bother. I need the energy for myself, I want to do big things and I don't need the drag. I'm dumping them. Last one has been very recent and painful, but it has to be done.

They are welcome to my reality whenever they want to, but they have to take the first step. I'm not pulling them anymore.

Based on your story, Wulfen, I don't think it social drag that you're suffering from.

[Wulfen]

Originally Posted by TheColonel

Based on your story, Wulfen, I don't think it social drag that you're suffering from.

Care to elaborate, or was this nothing more that a snide remark?

[The David]

I didn't experience social drag until recently, when I realized that I was surrounded by fundamentalist-evangelical Christians, and that I wasn't one anymore.

[Kaman]

I think this is a common problem with couples. One of them shifted levels but the other lagged behind creating a drag. I believe couples with big difference in levels of consciousness will encounter problems.

Try getting your girlfriend into the boat. If she refuses or shows no interest then too bad, you'll have to leave her unless you want to come down to her level.