Sweet Conflict

[A.K.Light]

My girlfriend and I are both givers, which is great! However, sometimes this causes sweet little conflicts that I think can somehow be avoided.

Earlier tonight, I did something for her and she did something for me at the exact same time (without telling each other.) We both tried to give, but as a result, we cancelled each other out and neither one of us got what we wanted. It reminds me of this story I once read about a poor couple. The man had a watch from his father that he really loved and the woman had very nice hair that she was very fond of. The woman cut off her hair and sold it to buy her husband a wrist band for his watch, but the husband sold his watch to buy his wife a nice set of combs and hair products. They both tried to give, but since they did it in secret, neither one of them got what they wanted (for themselves, or for each other!)

How does one stop this from happening? If the two givers are open and honest and discuss their intentions to avoid the cancelling out, then it seems like they will argue about which one will be the reciever. "I want you to have the combs! I can deal without the watch." "No, I want you to keep your watch, it means a lot to you. I want you to have a nice wrist band for it. My hair will grow back!" If a couple is to have an arguement, what a sweet one! Both are more concerned with the happiness of the other instead of their own happiness.

Problem is, how can the giver feel good if the other person refuses to take? Conflict..!? How can the taker feel good about receiving something if it pains him to know that what he is getting was caused by a sacrafice he would not have approved of? When you cancel each other out, you both lose. (Accept for the fact the love is still there.)

We see each as both being strong and loving equals, but we've never had anything like that before. We're both used to being the strong ones and the ones who give more than we take.

So it's not like I think this is a bad problem or anything. I'm grateful that this is the only conflict we have - fighting (harmless and playful) for who gets to give. But cancelling each other out doesn't seem very beneficial and I'm hoping there is something that can help me make sense of this. I don't know exactly what to expect here. Maybe you can surpise me. Just please don't say something like "You're lucky. Stop complaining." -- because I know I'm lucky and I'm not complaining. Is there a name for this type of relationship? Or this specific problem? And I don't mean to make this sound more complicated than it is. I'm sure everything is fine and things naturally progress anyway, I'm just really curious about this.

[ZHereford]

That's very interesting A.K.Light. There is an esoteric principle that states you should be able to receive as much as to give. If not, you will lack balance and feel drained when your input does not equal what you put put.

Perhaps you and your girlfriend have been put in each other's path to learn how to receive as well as to be true to yourselves. By not being true to yourselves you're both not getting what you want in the end. It looks like it's time to re-think some of your 'giving' behaviors.

[Jill]

This may be dumb and not work in practice, but what if you had a pact that you'd switch each week who was the giver and who was the receiver?

During the week while you were the giver, she would get to learn to graciously accept whatever you gave her without any feelings of having to give back. She could of course be thinking about what she might do next week when it was her turn!

Again, no idea how it would work in real life, but it sounds good on virtual paper!

[Angela]

Sometimes the most generous thing you can do is to be gratefully accepting.

[A.K.Light]

ZH - Thanks for the link. I read that article and it seems like a good website. I'll bookmark it. I think that overall, we both do give as much as we recieve, because most of the time we're not doing something that "cancels out". If we went back to the story about the watch and the beautiful hair, if they would have gotten each other anything else, their gifts wouldn't have cancelled out their own intentions. I think we are both true to ourselves, at least.

Jill - Yes, that may sound a bit strange to actually try, but it does give me some ideas about practicing certain things and trying things out. The point behind the theory does it's job, I think.

Angela - That makes a lot of sense. Because that makes me think, what would I do if someone did something for me even though I told not them not to inconvenience themselves?? I would most likely have a hard time being grateful and appreciative because I'd be too focused on how they shouldn't have done it. Interesting.

Thanks everybody.

[Tristan]

Hi there,

This reminds me of the story of a man and his wife who were adamant at being equal. They split everything in half. Then one evening during their anniversary dinner at a restaurant, the waiter brought them the check and the wife did not have enough change with her to cover her half of the bill and the man would not pay her half because they promised to be equal, so she had to run 2 blocks over to the ATM to get more money so that she could pay her half of the bill and at that time she realized that this dinner was not very romantic at all.

The morale of this story is that both of you are committed to give to each other, so forget the scoreboard on who has the one-up on the other and just bathe in the love that both of you share for each other because really that's what it comes down to, right? Sometimes it takes the braver of the two to step down and just receive and make the other person happy to give.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by A.K.Light

ZH - Thanks for the link. I read that article and it seems like a good website. I'll bookmark it. Thanks everybody.

Thanks A.K. ! That's actually my website. I hope you enjoy it. I'm working to add more and more useful PD information.