Advice...

[xuan]

I am in a dileman of loving this guy. I met him few months back, he is an amazing person. 1st we thought its gonna be just a fling, but it turns out to be more than that. I am so emotionally attached to him, it brings me misery at times.
He intro me to David Deida's work. This is why i am so caught up.

I think he is with me due to material luxury. Most of the time, when we are out, he seldom pay the bills. I wanted to end this many times, but david said open & love a person even he is a jerk.
Now that i found out that he shares his heart with many other woman. Making them fall for him, without telling the truth. I demand his honesty & he did, without full details. Is this what upset me, i am already to accept the facts that we are not commited as BGR. Why can't he open up?
He can be with other woman & text me at the same time, I LOVE YOU. Deep in my heart, i know its a lie. When he intro me as a gf, i felt uneasy. coz another lie.

I tried not to reply his email, but in david's work that is closing. So i open up, yet i felt e'rything btw me & him seems like an act!

What should i do? We are going to attend david's workshop as partners? How? a guy that never do what he preach, not trustworthy.

How can i help him to see the pictures, before ending e'rything with him?

Pls help.

[Erki]

DTMFA

I hope I got it right.

[Red Willow]

I've never read David's work, but if anyone suggested with putting up with that stuff, I'd toss it in the trash.

Dump him.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Red Willow

I've never read David's work, but if anyone suggested with putting up with that stuff, I'd toss it in the trash.

Dump him.

I don't know anything about Deida's work... but he has a pretty good resume... from Wikipedia...

"David Deida (born David Greenberg) is an American author. Deida focuses on his theories about the different ways that men and women grow emotionally and sexually.

Deida has designed and developed a program of practices that addresses his concepts.

He is a founding associate of the Integral Institute and has taught and conducted research at the University of California Medical School in San Diego, University of California, Santa Cruz, San Jose State University, the Lexington Institute in Boston and the École Polytechnique in Paris"

.

[xuan]

I don't know, i wanna stop this relationship. Somehow its seems so hard to let go. Too emotionally attached.
I tried to love him unconditionally, all the people ard me said that i am silly.
How?
Any gd advice? If i end it, i wanna let him know he can be a better person. Stop manipulate a person's mind...I know what he is doing, i am acceptin & loving him as him. But somehow he is treating me like a fool, i guess...

I hope to end things in a beautiful ways...

[Michael Chui]

Write him a farewell poem saying it's over, sprinkle it with thyme, and snail mail it to him.

If that's not beautiful, I don't know what is.

[LianaG]

Hi,

I wanted to reply to this post.

Dear Xuan,

I have spent the last 10 years training in Deida's work and practising what his work entails.

What you are practising currently is not 'it', so many people read his words but in truth do not know how to put it into practice. I takes too long to go into all the detail - but I do suggest you read all of his books.

I remember several years ago meeting a man who travelled around the USA with a copy of one of David's books under his arm, but his interactions with many women only left them all suffering.

Some men just like to open women and aren't capable of going all the way, perhaps he is one of them. (Women do their own inappropriate things with this work too)

I suspect unfortunately at this point, your boyfriend is creating a lot of suffering.

To play in the realm of Deida's work you must know what is trustable about the partner you are with. At present this man does not seem very trustable or integrious.

It might also be worthwhile to look at the work of Harville Hendrix - the IMAGO, where the shadow of ourselves and our partners come into the light of day.

I would love to say 'leave him' but I know in my heart of hearts that is a very hard thing for a woman to do. He is now your him-shaped void, you've taken him into your heart and into your body and you are now stuck with his shape, and that wont change until another man or you allow god to enter more deeply.

The great thing about doing a Deida workshop is that you dont work with your partner, I dont know if you are doing a weekend or an intensive - a weekend workshop is very basic, if you are doing the intensive you will definitely receive more clarity on the issues at hand. At least in the weekend you will experience what good men are like.

I dont believe you can help him see, it's just your way of bargaining to stay in the relationship.

I hope you find peace and courage.
Liana

[JimOfferman]

Such men are a disgrace to my gender! Bow out while you still can and find someone who does have respect for your feelings.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Erki

DTMFA

I hope I got it right.

Yep, you did... I recognized the reference. I also agree with the advice!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by xuan

How can i help him to see the pictures

The best thing you can do to help him is to leave. As long as he is allowed to act this way toward you he will.

I know how hard it is, but I can almost guarantee your life will be the better for it. I wish you love and peace in whatever you decide to do.

[xuan]

To Liana,

I am reading David's Blue Truth. I read your blog on david's exceprts.

Yes, by interactin with other women is his way to helping them to open to God. Unknowing that his act is a selfish one, and some of those woman stop talking to him. Some are in dileman, whether they should break off with their boyfriend for him.
Y is he causing such pain to people? For me, i see the pictures very clearly. He is not the man i can trust. I got hurt by him, but now i am recovering.

David's work said give everything now...You are either withholding your love in fear or giving your deepest gifts. I choose to open, how?
Each time, when i ignore his emails & calls. He said that i am my mascualine side. That makes me wanna tel him that hey no, i love you but can't see that its you who makes me walk away to my slience mode.
When he knows that i m slipping away, he tried all his might to get me back to his presence. Frankly, i don't know what purpose i am serving in his life, am i an inspiration to him.
To me, in a relationship, we are there to help each other to become a better person, showing them their faults. I did show him, but i think a leopard will never changes it spots.
Yes, i think i am always finding a reason to stay in his presence. I really hope that my love will help him, but i doubt it.

Liana, can you explain David's work for me? Sometimes, i am confused. unknowing how to apply it correctly. This is why i wanna be in david deida's workshop weekend. I hope thru that i could understand his work better...

Thank you all....for the posting & replys

[LianaG]

Dear Xuan,

To go into all the details is too much here, I offer coaching on this type of thing outside of forums etc. I dont know if you can contact me offlist.

What I will say

Words are so cheap, unless someone is prepared to stand by them and your man isn't.

You open to a trustable man, a man that has the ability to be deep, trustable, present and integrious. He isn't. You open to God.

You dont open to a smuck who pretends to be a deep, present man.

You must have both 1st and 2nd stage needs met before playing in 3rd stage - they are like concentric circles rather than steps above each other.

You feel find more about this work at BlueTruth - The Work of David Deida :: Main Page

Liana

[LianaG]

Dear Xuan,

I am just waking up this morning.

I reread your post.

If you were to give him everything now, I suspect you would want to yell at him (in love), cry in front of him, beat his chest trying to wake him up (in love).

Some men cant committ, some men just like to open women and aren't able to go all the way, some men use techniques like Deida's work to just get laid.

Some men use the work to deepen their expression of the divine ie heaven on earth.

Some men and women use this work for very unevolved reasons but masquerade it.

Liana

[xuan]

Thank you, liana.

Yes, many times i wanna breakdown & cry in front of him, slap him. But i choose to be cool & don't wanna be a drama queen.

When i read his emails lately, i will always said he is trying too hard. I see thru him, yet still holding on to this relationship. Silly, right? I tried other ways to let him open up, to see his own faults. I guess confront him, doesnt mean a thing.
He said that i skirt around the issues about him being with other women. he then use the same way to bite me back. Saying i am always secretive and i am also sharing my heart with others.
That makes me wonder

Yeah, he is a pretender. But truly he is a nice person, i just don't know why he is doing this to people.
He said we are both on 2nd stages, to be in the 3rd stages are hard to achive.
I have decide to let go this relationship after a trip with him. I still love him, but i cant be in his presence. I can't be a pretender. Sometime, it disgusted me with his selfish actions.

Yes, i would love to contact u offline. Thru your website?

[LianaG]

You can contact offlist through the website.

Liana

[xuan]

Dear Liana

How to?

I can't find a way to contact you offline on your blog...

[cbreeze]

My relationship started as confusing as yours, then we wed, then yes, it does NOT get better. He's not closed. He's a sociopath! After being begged (literally) to move in with J, his questionable behaviors had me walking on pins and needles and always fishing for approval or whatever he's thinking as he'd close up. Apphrensively I didn't leave my apt as I had doubts - after a beautiful sunday, he fixed a wonderful breakfast in bed, then later on out of the blue, told me he didn't think this is going to work out and said he'd take care of divorce. today was our first year anniversary. he made me believe he adored me, yet, i found out he was online too much, body language gave him away, his trips with the guys became more frequent, i knew he was seeing someone else and i loved him so much i put up with the humiliation till i found a journal of his and his conquests and that he used/abused/lied to as if they were trophies. He's sick and incredibly narcissistic and couldn't keep his lies straight, yet, didn't want to lose me = wanted to still see each other when i moved out - or so he said. i did move out after taking back all the gifts i gave him and throwing away the others. It won't get better. I'm glad i got out now, it caused losses of different kinds and getting over all this was a titanic feat, but today, upon filing for the divorce myself, so long! He's finally out of my system and how could he not be? I've been couped up crying and in shock for the last four days. I'm done. He's not worth it, and now I know what he is, he does too - others don't the conviving jerk. What ever goes around... I now know what I truly want in a relationship and learned it all begins within you and what you resonate/project. He will keep treating you the way he has if you let him - I did because of my love, but, he's a loser and all-ways will be. Good luck to you, I know what you're going through but there are a lot of dogs out there that are cute, cuddly, faithful and... won't bite nor have fleas on the side! You deserve the best. Go for it by letting him GO!

[xuan]

My relationship with him has become more & more confused. I really admired my tolerance level towards him
I love him, but i know i have to let him go...Its kind of sad when i read thru all the emails...
Knowing that he send the same things to other ladies, so it doesnt make me any special like what he describe. Asking him, if he slept with another woman. I am willingly to accept the truth, even he lied right in front of my face.
Love becomes Hate? I don't hate him, not sure why i wanna flood him with all my love... I am giving all and i will let go. I never let myself down, coz my heart is open to love & truth.
Looking back, I am proud of myself....At least, i am not a drama queen...

cbreeze, thank you... I wish u well....

[Erki]

You're not a drama queen... ...but it has been this way more than three weeks, and it doesn't seem like anything has changed. Would you be willing to be unhappy for more three weeks?

[alexinspire]

Dear Xuan,

I got your problem and I understand in your world how it looks like. To get off the emotion attachment is very hard. I seen my friend trying to do that for a year. She still react towards her ex and can't detach.

My advice is: Choose first.

If you want to be with him...

He will be the same for the next few years. You must be sure do you want to be with him or not. Even if he is a jerk, you can still love him. But loving him doesn't mean you allow him to take advantage of you. When you love him but draw clearly what you will not do and what you do, you can be strong.

When you are strong and you still love him, you will probably free from emotion attachment. He might probably feel bored with other woman and attracted by you.

If you don't want to be with him...

Tell him that you don't want to be with him first. When you tell him clearly about that, you will have freedom to reply and be friend with him. You will also not be emotion attached with him.

As a conclusion, It might be your needy character that allows him to have lots of girlfriend and he thinks you are ok with it. Whatever you need to do, do this first: Tell him clearly what you want and be strong on your decision!