How to deal with people forwarding you e-mails that upset you without upsetting them

[elainevdw]

Okay, guys. I just made a BIG mistake.

My boyfriend's mom forwards me lots of stuff. Most of it is inane -- jokes, make a wish and forward this to 10 people, weird pictures, etc. Some of it is really fun, which is why I actually bother to read her forwards. Today she forwarded me something with a subject line that didn't appropriately describe its contents. After I opened it and read it, it turns out that it was a political e-mail that really got on my nerves.

I could have ignored it after the first paragraph, but I didn't want to because:

1. I don't want my nonresponse to be taken as a sign that I actually agree with the e-mail, which I very much do not. Yes, the e-mail got me a little bit riled up.

2. I don't want to be subjected to those kinds of forwards in the future.

(2b. To be TOTALLY honest, I'm listing one last reason: I'm tired of jumping through hoops to appease my mother-in-law. I know I should, in the interests of family peace, but I'm a selfish, ego-centric 24-year-old with apparently no refined social skills.)

If I was replying, I figured I had two choices: Get into why I disagree with the e-mail, or ask her not to send me political e-mails. Since I really don't want to open that discussion with her, I sent her an e-mail saying, "Thanks for sharing, but let's keep politics out of our correspondence" (paraphrasing). I BCC'd my bf just in case there was a problem...

...which there was, because he called me about an hour later to ream me for being such a ♥♥♥♥♥, and apparently she's pissed.

He tried to explain to me what the problem was. Apparently, according to him, I've always come off as "scathing" in my e-mail correspondence, and apparently I always take things personally, as well. In other words, I was so "personally scathing" that reading the response I sent his mother actually upset him as well. So what I meant to be a polite "please keep e-mailing me, just don't e-mail me politics" response apparently read as "I am offended by you, have taken this e-mail personally and our relationship is now in jeopardy."

As far as resolution, I've already left her a voicemail and an e-mail apologizing and suggesting we talk about it in person, since I honest-to-god didn't mean to upset her.

Ultimately, I think my fatal flaw was that I didn't think it through enough. Even though my family would probably take an attack against their ideals as a personal affront, his mom has it straight: We're all entitled to our own opinions, and arguing an opinion is less personal than attacking a person's actions, such as the decision to forward an e-mail.

Now, I want to hear from you guys:

First of all, feel free to criticize how I handled this particular situation.

But more importantly, for future reference, how on earth do you guys think we should approach situations like this, anyway?? Is it really too much to ask to be taken off of someone's personal e-mail list when you're uncomfortable with or otherwise opposed to the content of the e-mails you receive? Or is this yet another situation we have to ignore in the interests of social equanimity, and the right to call ourselves "civilized"?

[agnostic]

It's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. It would have been better to discuss this in person, because it's hard to convey difficult feelings if all you have is text. They don't say that communication is 10% content and 90% other stuff just for fun. So that was a mistake, but don't worry too much about it. You have a right to your opinion and it was good to stand by it even though you could have done it with a bit more tact.
But hey, she'd probably still be pissed if you had asked her person to person.
So don't worry too much. If she's as reasonable as you say she is, I'd advise to try and talk to her and apologize in person and I guess it will work out again.
Best of luck and don't worry.

[Shamou]

elainevdw!

If a political e-mail makes you uncomfortable... you are in for a long a bumpy road on the route of life...

You don't like that type of email... flush it and forget it... Don't take it as a personal insult to your intelligence... it is certainly not...

Now, as far as this particular incident is concerned... let it be... let the dust settle... everyone will forget it and you can resume business as usual... that is, unless someone involved is highly neurotic...

The very best of luck to you...

.

[Matthew Shea]

It's VERY easy for most people to come across harshly in written correspondence when they're upset. The #1 rule I'd suggest going forward is that, when something you've received upsets you, wait at least a day before clicking that "reply" button. That way you'll have time to simmer down and your emotional state won't overwhelm your brain.

The #2 rule is that, whenever you're requesting someone not to do something, you should kill them with kindness. If your note seems over-the-top in it's mushy-gushyness, that's just about right. You have to be abundantly clear that you love and value the person and your relationship with them, but you just want a little bit of a change.

As for this incident, I think you're right in requesting a face-to-face discussion. That way, there won't be any missed emotional cues and you have a much better chance of achieving complete understanding. I'd suggest taking her to lunch or dinner and offering to pay up front. That way she knows you're serious. If she refuses or procrastinates on the face-to-face, at least write her a mushy-gushy apology so it's clear you want to apologize and put this incident behind the both of you.

[Alchemiss]

Originally Posted by elainevdw

(2b. To be TOTALLY honest, I'm listing one last reason: I'm tired of jumping through hoops to appease my mother-in-law. I know I should, in the interests of family peace, but I'm a selfish, ego-centric 24-year-old with apparently no refined social skills.)

If I was replying, I figured I had two choices: Get into why I disagree with the e-mail, or ask her not to send me political e-mails. Since I really don't want to open that discussion with her, I sent her an e-mail saying, "Thanks for sharing, but let's keep politics out of our correspondence" (paraphrasing). I BCC'd my bf just in case there was a problem...

...which there was, because he called me about an hour later to ream me for being such a ♥♥♥♥♥, and apparently she's pissed.

This doesn't seem to be about politics so much as you feeling angry at your MIL, yourself, and your bf for your adapting to her. And you sort of knew where you were headed because you BCC'd your bf "just in case". If you weren't already angry, I doubt the e-mail would have set you off like it did. I'd explore ways to either not adapt so much or work out your anger through journaling an unsent letter or something so you don't end up compelled to act in ways you may regret. MILs can be impossibly hard; having a strategy can really help.

Best of luck,
Alchemiss

[elainevdw]

Holy cats, you guys are fast! And accurate, too.

Originally Posted by Shamou

everyone will forget it and you can resume business as usual... that is, unless someone involved is highly neurotic...

Yes, this worries me greatly.

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

you should kill them with kindness. If your note seems over-the-top in it's mushy-gushyness, that's just about right.

Good way of putting that. I re-edited the e-mail at least twice to put in more "gushyness," but apparently it was still too business-like. This explains why, when my boyfriend mentioned that my e-mails are "scathing," he used e-mails that I send back and forth to my boss as an example...

[JimOfferman]

Hey Elaine,

Perhaps next time someone starts forwarding unwanted e-mails, you can reply with something down the lines of:

"Hey! Thanks for sending me this, but I get so many e-mails every day that I really don't have time to read everything that's forwarded to me. If you have something really funny or interesting to share, please ping me on my IM when I'm not busy."

Worked wonders for me I guess it's down to a bit of social engineering... you offer to use an alternative channel that has a different etiquette as to what kind of communication is allowed when. My experience has been that people stop forwarding me stuff I don't want to get (without them feeling insulted), but also that they hardly ever bring up this kind of stuff on my IM... and if they do, they only do it on moments when it suits me (i.e. when I am not buried in work).

Jim.

[Epiphany]

It seems like you care too much. I think your boyfriend should stand up for you and stop being such a mommas boy!
Just report her as spam - yah I know you can't but wouldn't it feel so good?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Epiphany

I think your boyfriend should stand up for you and stop being such a mommas boy!

Sorry... but if "boyfriend" is a regular type of guy... she'll have to wait 'till "mommy" is long gone to do that... and even then, it's not a sure thing...

There are two things that you never criticize in front of a man... one is the size of his dick... and the second one is momma...

.

[elainevdw]

For the record, my bf's a great guy. He's got this awesome ability to both defend me when needed and keep me in check when I'm outta control... Which, as the day goes on, I'm more and more likely to concede regarding this situation.

Seriously, I feel like such the biyatch.

And she hasn't called me back yet...

Edit: Take cover! **** is hitting the fan! Repeat: **** is hitting the fan!

orz

[Shamou]

Calm down Elaine... things are never as bad as they seem at first... don't get bent all out of shape... the world is not about to stop revolving around the sun...

A few strong words... a few tears... some kissing... and it will be all over... shat... if stuff like that killed... I would have been dead eons ago...

Just stay cool... and everything will be OK...

.

[elainevdw]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Calm down Elaine... things are never as bad as they seem at first... don't get bent all out of shape... the world is not about to stop revolving around the sun...

A few strong words... a few tears... some kissing... and it will be all over... shat... if stuff like that killed... I would have been dead eons ago...

Just stay cool... and everything will be OK...

.

LOL, thanks Shamou. I'll try to keep that in mind. However, the situation has now been blown completely out of proportion... turns out she was already mad at me for some stuff that I didn't even do. This happens about once a year, so I'll just have to weather the storm.

Aren't relationships fun?

Everybody, thanks for the tips regarding the situation that set this off.

Epiphany, I'm seriously thinking about adding her e-mail to my blacklist just so that we have to talk in person from now on. It really might not be a bad idea. And she has my cell number, so it's not like I'm cutting off all communications... just dangerous ones.

Jim, Though I don't use chat clients, I'll have to figure out a way to make that work. Ingenious!

Alchemiss, Your journalling idea is a good one. I've been meaning to do that anyway. I know these situations will never go away for good, but at least I'd have a coping strategy.

Agnostic, Yup, I think she would have been mad anyway. It just sucks that I actually did something wrong this time. I don't deal very well with not being forgiven. But I'll try not to worry too much.

And Matthew, Thanks again for the good tips -- will definitely add them to my arsenal!

[Angela]

Hi, Elaine! I always enjoy your posts and am glad to see you here.

It sounds like, aside from this whole email issue, you've got lots of resistance, resentment and irritation around your Mom-in-Law and also her son to the extent that he's similar to her and protects her (maybe to your detriment?) Kind of like you're walking on eggshells all the time? That can't be fun.

What I'm saying is: are you looking at the underlying stuff? Can you see some actions you might take to strengthen your family so that you are free to fully express yourself, feeling trust and safety? And to also be able to listen to what they have to say (in whatever medium) so that they feel safe, too?

Lots o' love,
Angela

[Mark Lapierre]

Ahh the trials and tribulations of non-verbal communication. I agree that Jim's advice is good in general, however in this case I think it would be unwise. IM has all the same issues of miscommunication that email has, as well as potentially causing people to feel ignored if they don't get a response immediately.

I had a similar issue with my mum, where she'd frequently forward me those annoying chain emails full of urban myths. After one of the ones suggesting I look out for needles poking out of cinema seats, I replied with a link to snopes and a short message saying, "Most, if not all, of these types of emails are hoaxes. Try checking www.snopes.com first before you forward them on."

She could have easily interpreted that as scathing, dismissive, or insulting. But she didn't. She called me to ask what snopes was. After I explained she took my advice and started passing on the advice to the people forwarding those things to her.

Elaine, I think your decision to close the email channel is a fantastic one. But I think just blacklisting her would backfire. A face-to-face discussion may work better, and a request that she not send anything contentious because of these issues of miscommunication. The issues inherent in effective email communication escape some people, the main one being understanding that text lacks tone, and so you never really know how someone feels when you read their words. It seems you understood that but didn't go far enough (as Matthew suggested) to counter your MIL's lack of understanding.

However I don't think you did anything wrong. You didn't know you came off as "scathing" so you didn't know the effect your response would have. And you intended to not cause any strife.

And finally, I don't believe it's your responsibility to adapt to anyone else's quirks, as long as your intentions are clearly and consistently good. But it is your responsibility to do whatever you need to do to improve the quality of life of everyone you care about, including yourself. And where that's concerned, as always, Angela sees where it's at.