What to do when she's blocked by something in her past

[JimOfferman]

I've been dating someone on and off for the past couple of months. At first, it felt like one of those destined-for-a-relationship kind of deals, but then she backed out at the last moment. Not because she doesn't like me, but because she has an overwhelming sense to stay independent. Her desire for independence is rooted (she says) in the fact that a previous boyfriend cheated on her. Since that happened, she's backed out of every situation with relationship potential. Of course I was devastated when she broke of our (romantic) relationship before it had started proper...

Still, after a little break, we picked up dating again under the pretext of 'just friends' hanging out. While I am perfectly fine hanging out with her as 'just friends', I can't help but notice that her body language still says there is some desire for a little more than that. I didn't really dare to trust my own perception (as, quite frankly, I'm a little biased), but then some friends who've seen us at a festival we attended together started asking about who my lovely new girlfriend was (and she is lovely), so I guess other people have noticed too.

Now I sort of find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place... on the one hand, I want to respect her decision not to move forward with a romantic relationship and just be a good friend to her, but on the other hand I desperately want to find a way to make the romantic thing work. Or at least help her overcome the things that are blocking us now.

I know that she has to make peace with her past experience before she can engage in any kind of romantic relationship - be it with me or with someone else - and I also know that I can't really do anything to force her to do that... but surely there must be something I can do to gently nudge her in the right direction?

[MM19]

I seem to keep getting directed to your posts! So funny! I actually emailed you at this site the other day about your former post. Regardless, I must say this, having been cheated on, it is a natural desire to "self protect." You are probably right, some part of her does not want to hold back. Take it into yourself to see her resistance is most likely a reflection back to you of your own resistance on some level. While right now you may be "pushing" for a relationship, and she is "pulling," within you there must be some resistance as well. What is it you are afraid of? Why might you be resisting going forward too? I know, I hate it when people say that to me. I think "I AM NOT RESISTING! HE IS!" But, the truth, somewhere deep down is I am. Is it bc/ I am not totally ready for the seriousness this relationship might bring? Is it that I am not totally over the sting of a former relationship? Is it that I don't REALLY know this person well enough to know if I want to be with them? What is the root cause? Once I have healed that, they often come back around. Wanna know why? Because I have been so focused on working on my issues, I stopped pushing, so they did not have to pull back! Best of luck to you, and if you get the chance, read the email and let me know what happened! All love and luck!

[Matthew Shea]

I basically agree with MM19. You have to stop pushing. I can't imagine a situation where resentment doesn't follow after you do something to push her into a relationship with you, no matter how good your intentions. Give her plenty of space to get over this bad relationship. Stick around if you will, but let there be no delusions that she's bound to see the light one day and all of a sudden will want to take it further. I think the best thing you can do is set an example of how men are supposed to treat a partner.

[Shamou]

I concur with MM19 and Matthew Shea... the more you push... the greater resistance that you will find...

And, I would go even farther than that... if it is in your power to stop seeing her... I would do it... if she comes to you... she's yours... if not, she never was...

The very best of luck to you... I know how hard these things are... been there.... done that....

.

[JimOfferman]

Thanks all for your responses!

Just to clarify, I am not pushing - or at least, I don't think I am. After the initial break, I let her go and it was she who re-initiated contact. All I want for her is to get over the bad relationship and find happiness in a new relationship.

As for the resistance within myself, I'm quite sure it is my fear of losing independence. I have been single all my life (a few grade school crushes aside) and so, out of necessity, I've built a pretty strong foundation for me, myself and I. Even though I want nothing more than to share my life with someone, I also know there is a part of me that is terrified of losing independence. Of giving someone else control over my happiness. Yikes!

But it's just fear, nothing I can't overcome.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Even though I want nothing more than to share my life with someone, I also know there is a part of me that is terrified of losing independence. Of giving someone else control over my happiness. Yikes!

Sharing your life with someone doesn't have to include loss of independence or forfeiting control over your own happiness.

Those things can only be taken from you if you give them away.

I think it's wise to be careful in this situation and realize that the only person who can overcome these past issues is her. I know how much you wish you could make it all better (I truly do). But until/unless she deals with these things head-on, it will be a thorn in the side of the relationship.

I wish you all the best.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

As for the resistance within myself, I'm quite sure it is my fear of losing independence.

Ding Ding Ding!

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Even though I want nothing more than to share my life with someone, I also know there is a part of me that is terrified of losing independence. Of giving someone else control over my happiness.

Ever say that to her?

The illusion is that someone else can control your happiness. Only you do that. And it does seem like you have less choice when you enter a relationship, but you make the choice to be with someone everyday, every moment.

"Sharing my life with someone" implies a lot of future... no wonder you're scared. Maybe tell her, "today, I'd like to be your boyfriend and at the end of today, I won't be". It will remove some of that long-term-relationship fear and remind you that your choice to be in relationship is your choice in the moment... not for years in the future. Remember you can change your choice whenever you wish.

[Dan.Linehan]

Originally Posted by Dharma

Maybe tell her, "today, I'd like to be your boyfriend and at the end of today, I won't be".

I like that.

[JimOfferman]

@Dharma: No, I did not say that to her. Not with so many words anyway... we did talk about the pros and cons of being in a relationship at one point. But I'll be sure to bring it up when we get to talking about relationships again (my sense is that it's currently a bit of a no-go topic for her).

I like the 'take it one day at the time' stance, btw.

@aspiring (and Dharma as well): 'losing independence' was maybe a bit of an overstatement... point is that things change once you enter in a relationship. A welcome change, but still a change... change can be scary sometimes.

Anyway, I'll work on resolving those fears. Rationally I know they don't make any real sense, just have to wait for that idea to settle in... something like that anyway

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hi, Jim. I see what you mean. Yes, relationships do bring changes. Even if you maintain your independence and are responsible for your own happiness, you will still be living a different life than you would were you alone...at least I think so. So, I completely understand you being nervous. I really wish you the best. I know it's tough. Taking things as they come is a good policy.